கோழைத்தனம்

[kunjuppu]

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this comes out of my watching vijay tv on youtube.

Gopinath is a good VJ in that he ensures that each participant gets a chance to air out his/her views. And he swoops on the most promising one, and drills this one to get the maximum advantage.

One thing I find that is prevalent, among Indians, whether it be in india or Canada, of all castes and religion, re love marriages.

Once the love moves to the marriage stage, why is it that the whole affair is handed over to the parents?

My focus is more from the expense side. Because, usually it is the girl’s parents who end up paying the bill, for what is usually, an initiative started by the boy and encouraged by the girl.

Should not these two pay for the wedding? Don’t have money?

That’s just it. If you don’t have money, reduce your expenses to what you can afford.

Because once the parents take over, then there is no control especially for the girl’s parents. Unfortunately our society is still stuck up with big weddings.

Atleast for love marriages, the youngsters cannot have it both ways. They should step up and pay for their own wedding. Parents may help out but not expected.

Doing otherwise, to me is கோழைத்தனம்

here is an interesting discussion re love marriage and expenses, especially from a rationalist.

http://dondu.blogspot.com/2010/10/blog-post_26.html

btw we can learn from the white people re this. the bride groom take the initiative to arrange the marriage. the parents are side players. they help out only to the extent they can afford. i have seen white couples take loan for weddings. not their parents.

 

[tbs]

hi K sir,
i have good example....i myself a victim of this problem....i said no dowry and no wedding expenditure from girl...everything bear

myself.... the bottom line result...they think that i have some physical/mental problem....so i take the responsibility of wedding expenses....in real

life....the attitude TAMBRAMS are different...we are not white....neither we are progressive community....even we say the boys

are more revolution in expenditure of marriages...the girl side/and others view in different way....its not KOZHAITHANAM....many boys

parents are ready to bear the expenses.....now the girl side think that.....the boy has serious problem...so many ppl dont think

they are not KOZHAIS ....they behave like MAAPILLAI MURUKKU.....its my personal experience......

regards
tbs

 

[Nara]

....Atleast for love marriages, the youngsters cannot have it both ways. They should step up and pay for their own wedding. Parents may help out but not expected..

K, the joining of two lives in marriage with a wedding ceremony is a once-in-a-life-time happy occasion. People want to celebrate it, after all life is about having some fun at least occasionally. Barring extravagance, or unaffordable keeping up with the Jones, what is the harm?

The children are just starting out and parents stepping in to pick up the tab is not uncommon in the West also. It is my understanding that bride's parents pickup the expenses on the wedding day and groom's parents pickup the tab for the previous day party.

Cheers!

 

[Raghy]

Dear Sri.Kunjuppu, Greetings.

Amoung many Non-Brahmin castes, it is the custom for the groom's family to conduct the wedding. The brides family arrives the evening before the wedding, it is the 'Janavasam' for the bride, Bride gets received to the nearest temple. When the Bride approaches the place of wedding, usually this song is played.."வாராய் என் தோழி வாராயோ!".

Before confirming the marriage, sometimes, the groom gets chosen by the 'parisam' offered by the groom too. Some girls receive 'Manja Kani' or a piece of real estate on her name as a wedding gift from the groom's family (or sometimes from the brides family too).

Cheers!

 

[suraju06]

Dear Mr. Kunjuppu,

There is no uniformity in celebrating a marriage among tamils. Each caste has some practices which are unique. The Jamuvasam with band vaadhyam, Homam, Getti melam in response to frenzied demands from all and sundry, Akshathai and the high decibel stupid reception are all exclusive to Brahmin marriages though some of the other forward castes are also now getting converted to this category of celebrations. I have attended marriages in which the celebrations are simple. The Mappillai azhaippu is done by women carrying seer varisai to the residence of mappillai (unlike the brahmin Mappillai sweating in his full three piece suit with children precariously perching on the open car in all imaginable places). The marriage is celebrated in a temple by exchanging garlands and the "purohit" who conducts the marriage is the local barber. After the simple marriage ceremony you have to stand in a queue to write the "Moy". Moy is your gift to the bride or the groom given to a representative of the respective family along with your name and relationship. You can at best only shake hands with the groom. When you record your presence by the moy you will be asked what is your preference-a veg meal or a non-veg meal. You will be given the appropriate ticket and directed to go the restaurent near the temple and have your "kalyana Sappadu". That s all. It is as simple as this. In villages love marriages have to be within the same caste only. If it is within the same caste then the panchayat will decide whether it is okay and give its approval. After that the marriage is celebrated. If it is between two different castes then the couple usually elope and live happily untill caught. Seer, manchakkaani, two wheeler, car, house, gold ornaments etc are given depending on the position and status of the groom and the wherewithals of the bride's parents. In the case of brahmins the story is altogether different. I think we are all aware of the story.

 

[kunjuppu]

tbs,

thank you for your response. i agree with you. in my own case, i had no money, but offered to marry my arranged bride, free of cost in a temple. my parents were ok with it. the bride demurred.

her reason being, that she had saved money for her wedding, and wanted a celebration of it. she had to start working since 17 to support the family and felt she wanted a public function as farewell (to chennai, hello canada )

 

[kunjuppu]

nara,

my issue, is that desi kids everywhere, just simply hand over the responsibility to the parents.

getting help is different from completely abandoning the initiative. starting from wedding troussueau to the hall to the rest, have you ever seen a desi engaged couple, taking the initiative, bargaining, hunting, searching and debating?

it is all the parents.

quite different, from the whites that i know. anyway.

nothing wrong in celebrating. it is just, who does the hard work. and who ends up paying (girls' parents)

 

[kunjuppu]

suraju, raghy,

it is not the different ethnic functions that i am talking about here.

there is more the variety with ic marriages. take the best of both and incorporate them. i have seen it happen countless times in toronto, and anyday they add beauty to the function.

i am talking here about 'ownership' of the function, re love marriages.

in arranged marriages, it is only proper, the parents arrange the whole affair. but in love marriages, i think, the couple involved should take the initiative in arranging right from the mandapams, cooks, and what not. i have yet to see this happen.

both in india. and in canada.

 

[C RAVI]

suraju, raghy,

it is not the different ethnic functions that i am talking about here.

there is more the variety with ic marriages. take the best of both and incorporate them. i have seen it happen countless times in toronto, and anyday they add beauty to the function.

i am talking here about 'ownership' of the function, re love marriages.

in arranged marriages, it is only proper, the parents arrange the whole affair. but in love marriages, i think, the couple involved should take the initiative in arranging right from the mandapams, cooks, and what not. i have yet to see this happen.

both in india. and in canada.

Sri Kunjuppu,

You are right to highlight the point, saying, in love marrieges couple involved should take the initiative in arranging everything..

That would be more charmful for the couples involved to do all sorts of arangments related to the celebration. This would be the most enjoyable and memorable part of their life as a pair. The joy, satisfaction and fulfillment that they would get by discussing among themselves to plan and execute, undergoing many hurdles and issues in making it a success without a single laps would give many meaning to their life to start with as couples.

Parents of both the couples should encourage them to carry on with the assignment, offering any suggestions, ideas , if been solicited. Parents should see, how responsibly the couples are planing and executing and how they are cherishing each of their actions.

 

[Haridasa Siva]

It suits the desi kids to get in love (or to choose their partner themselves) and to leave the expense part to their parents. They think it is the DUTY of the parents.

For parents, they willy nilly spend either for EGO or for keeping the child happy.

Marriage, as it is, should not be extravagant. But who cares? For people with money it is another chance to display their wealth. As a Tamil saying goes, mudiyulla seemaatti alliyum mudiyalaam, seeviyum mudiyalaam.

 

[B.Krishnamurthy]

I want to add one more point in Shri.Suraj's post no.5.
In most of the marriages which I have attended,I found that 'MOY' function is an
important event.The amount given by each invitee is announced over the mike.
Perhaps this method ensures that all invitees keep money beyond their capacity in the cover just to satisfy their inflated EGO(edging God out).
Ps:- My advice to all.If you attend Brahmin marriages,do not volunteer to accept
the covers containing money given by invitees during 'Aseervadams'.
Once I had a bitter experience.One gentleman wrote Rs.501 on the outer cover but forgot to keep the amount(either intentionally or otherwise).Another gentleman wrote Rs.1001/-on the outer cover but kept only one Rs.500 note with a one rupee coin.
Added to my misery the Bride's father(for whom I took this job)frequently took money from me(either one Rs.500/-note or more than one) just to complete the formality of announcing the name of his and wife's relations (who could not attend the Function and did not send any gift)as if they had sent the cover with their gift.
The other person who was writing the amounts in a Note Book duly recorded all those announced figures without actually receiving the money.I had to make good Rs.3000/-from my pocket just to keep up my prestige(false or real).
So do not undertake this unwarranted headache of accepting gift covers and then rendering tallied account with the money.I found it was a nasty job specially in Brahmin marriages.

 

[kunjuppu]

BK,

re post #11

my sympathies.

all the tambram weddings that i attended recently apparently have done away with the public announcement, which i found a relief. i guess some folks still do.

reminds me of a friend of mine: whenever he gifted something, he left the price tag intact - except it was tag of a higher price merchandise than the gift

 

[Iyyarooraan]

Moi in marriages

In this part of the world, the norm is "Blessings only" as both sides have equal self-respect. In the less privileged classes moi might continue for some time. Ultimately, the self-respect will become more pronounced. But I am afraid the institutions of marriage, ego clashes, adherence to customs and traditions will all be consigned to history. Marriages will happen within two shakes of a duck's arse!.

 

[kunjuppu]

In this part of the world, the norm is "Blessings only" as both sides have equal self-respect. In the less privileged classes moi might continue for some time. Ultimately, the self-respect will become more pronounced. But I am afraid the institutions of marriage, ego clashes, adherence to customs and traditions will all be consigned to history. Marriages will happen within two shakes of a duck's arse!.

iyya,

very intriguing post

what is moi? duck's arse?

to put your post in plain tamil. ஒண்ணுமே புரியல்லையே

 

[Iyyarooraan]

Moi is gifts in cash or in kind. In the coming days marriages are not going to be so elaborate or pompous, it will start and end within two shakes of duck's arse. That will be pretty fast and shortest. Please follow duck's movement wherever they are; it does faster than we bat our eyelid.

 

[kunjuppu]

Moi is gifts in cash or in kind. In the coming days marriages are not going to be so elaborate or pompous, it will start and end within two shakes of duck's arse. That will be pretty fast and shortest. Please follow duck's movement wherever they are; it does faster than we bat our eyelid.

iyya,

i like this. but on what basis are you coming to this conclusion? thanks..

 

[Iyyarooraan]

Shri Kunjappu Sir,
Gone were the days when marriages took place with cooperation of all family members and friends. It was 7-day affair. There was no caterer. Relatives made tiffin and cooked food. The neighbouring and street ladies prepared appalams, murukku, etc. And the whole neighbourhood enjoyed the food and the goings on,too. There was paraspara pleasantness till the sending off sambandhi with kattisadakoodai in a mattuvandi. Marriage today is one part affair either with lunch or Reception. Here too people make faces to come and partake the food. Ashirwada akshadai is thrown on vaadhyar. I have heard of marriages taking place on line only to be consummated later. Internet marriages are faster than I had explained. With talk of ecological imbalance, wild life preservation and so on and so forth, the evolution is heading towards merging humanhood and animalhood. The coming days will be happier if some of us are not going to be caged. Shamno astu, sham dwipade , sham chatushpade…

 

[kunjuppu]

Shri Kunjappu Sir,
Gone were the days when marriages took place with cooperation of all family members and friends. It was 7-day affair. There was no caterer. Relatives made tiffin and cooked food. The neighbouring and street ladies prepared appalams, murukku, etc. And the whole neighbourhood enjoyed the food and the goings on,too. There was paraspara pleasantness till the sending off sambandhi with kattisadakoodai in a mattuvandi. Marriage today is one part affair either with lunch or Reception. Here too people make faces to come and partake the food. Ashirwada akshadai is thrown on vaadhyar. I have heard of marriages taking place on line only to be consummated later. Internet marriages are faster than I had explained. With talk of ecological imbalance, wild life preservation and so on and so forth, the evolution is heading towards merging humanhood and animalhood. The coming days will be happier if some of us are not going to be caged. Shamno astu, sham dwipade , sham chatushpade…

iyya,

i agree with most of above.

our society has changed. while there is no harm in reminiscing about the 'good old days', i tend to be quizzical as if those old days were that 'good'. had it been, we would have still clung to it. no?


i have trouble, once again, understanding your statements,

'With talk of ecological imbalance, wild life preservation and so on and so forth, the evolution is heading towards merging humanhood and animalhood. The coming days will be happier if some of us are not going to be caged. '

there are so many possible interpretations, that i do not know what you mean.

thank you.

 

[B.Krishnamurthy]

Dear Shri.Iyyarooraan,
Do not lament about past 7 day marriages.You can always read"washington thirumanam" novel and refresh your memory of the past.

 

[tbs]

I want to add one more point in Shri.Suraj's post no.5.
In most of the marriages which I have attended,I found that 'MOY' function is an
important event.The amount given by each invitee is announced over the mike.
Perhaps this method ensures that all invitees keep money beyond their capacity in the cover just to satisfy their inflated EGO(edging God out).
Ps:- My advice to all.If you attend Brahmin marriages,do not volunteer to accept
the covers containing money given by invitees during 'Aseervadams'.
Once I had a bitter experience.One gentleman wrote Rs.501 on the outer cover but forgot to keep the amount(either intentionally or otherwise).Another gentleman wrote Rs.1001/-on the outer cover but kept only one Rs.500 note with a one rupee coin.
Added to my misery the Bride's father(for whom I took this job)frequently took money from me(either one Rs.500/-note or more than one) just to complete the formality of announcing the name of his and wife's relations (who could not attend the Function and did not send any gift)as if they had sent the cover with their gift.
The other person who was writing the amounts in a Note Book duly recorded all those announced figures without actually receiving the money.I had to make good Rs.3000/-from my pocket just to keep up my prestige(false or real).
So do not undertake this unwarranted headache of accepting gift covers and then rendering tallied account with the money.I found it was a nasty job specially in Brahmin marriages.

hi BK Sir,
i agreed with u....really i hate this MOY function in tambram weddings.....its really a head ache....if we want to give gift /cash ...

do it silently.....its any hypocratic action of our own TAMBRAM community....only prestige issue....no real affection to that.....

i hate this accounting business with writing in note book......who cares? .....in west especially USA/Canada...there is such business

in announcement...in some some cases..boxed gifts/ other gifts not welcome too....sometimes i have seen gift cards....without

announcement.......eppo thirunthumo inthe varattu gauravam.?...எப்போ தீருமோ இந்த வறட்டு கெளரவம்?


regards
tbs

 

[Iyyarooraan]

Chaavi

Dear Shri.Iyyarooraan,
Do not lament about past 7 day marriages.You can always read"washington thirumanam" novel and refresh your memory of the past.

Yes, you are right. But it can only be read only in great (Tambram) Tamizh.