a few to make u smile

[raghav81]

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Mr. Bean: I lost my cheque book
Bank Manager: Be careful, anyone can put your signature!
Mr. Bean: I am not a fool, I have already signed all the cheques!!
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A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not ?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so so, Head Priest of the so so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?!'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT;

but when he drove his Auto, people really PRAYED'

It's PERFORMANCE, and not POSITION,

that ultimately counts.

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Please ignore if it is already posted.

 

[drsundaram]

very good. nice. please keep adding on.

 

[Nandini S. Iyer]

hey

hi this is nandini and ur jokes were good keep on goin with these jokes..

Mr. Bean: I lost my cheque book
Bank Manager: Be careful, anyone can put your signature!
Mr. Bean: I am not a fool, I have already signed all the cheques!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not ?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so so, Head Priest of the so so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?!'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT;

but when he drove his Auto, people really PRAYED'

It's PERFORMANCE, and not POSITION,

that ultimately counts.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please ignore if it is already posted.

 

[raghav81]

Thanks Dr.Sundaram and Ms.Nandhini for your appreciation.

More jokes will follow

 

[kunjuppu]

 

[hariharan1972]

Do you speak English....?

Read this comparison of a GRE Student vs Normal Person


A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glasshouses should not throw stones.
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

 

[kunjuppu]

hari,

i am glad i don't speak indlich.

your post is a true example of reality besting humour.

one of my relatives recently applied for admission to some u.s. university. as part of the process, she had to write an essay about herself.

her essay was about 10 pages, all flowery with adjectives, adverbs and pronouns, that no one in north america, has ever heard, i am sure.

even to me, they sounded quaint and dated.

i editted the essay to 3 pages (thanks to mr. perry my high school english teacher and his emphasis on precis writing) to simple 3 and 4 syllable english words of today's usage.

one example in my own life: in 1973, when i came to canada, in one of the first conversation with my landlord, i told him that i needed to buy utensils. he raised his eybrows a tad, then smiled. 'son', he said, 'we call them pots and pans here, but i understand what you mean'.

i think, with current access to internet, globalization of communication and even more universalization of the english language, we all are gradually moving towards a simpler and easier spoken english.

i think so.

good stuff hari