Children Learn What They Live

[Uma Raja Ramakrishnan]

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If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live

 

[renuka]

I sometimes really wonder that if children actually learn anything from their parents.

When I was young I remember my mum telling me all these:

1)A woman should always have a centre parting in her hair so that she can apply sindoor till almost quarter of her head.
She would beautifully wear her sindoor and Pottu and I just watched but grew up not liking wearing both.

2)My mum used to tell me whenever we saw a woman wearing a revealing dress or short skirt.."Renu..never dress like that."
I grew up finally loving to wear Mini skirts!!

3)I used to see her buying beautiful silk sarees and she told me "Renu..one day all these will be yours"

I grew up thinking "No way man...I won't wear silk and kill silk worms"

4)She bought lots of gold and said "Renu one day these will be yours"
I grew up not liking gold at all.

5)We used to have a maid servant in the house and my mum would not let me play with her even though I loved playing with the maid servant.
Mum used to say not to see the maid's face in the morning!!LOL
She said look at a pic of God first thing in the morning.

I grew up befriending anyone ..I have friends from construction workers to professionals.
I see anything when I wake up..I grew up thinking that God is in each and every face and no one is a lesser God.

6)Ok this is really fun...I used to see my mum break traffic rules while driving...I grew up the most law abiding citizen ever on the road.

7)I used to see my mum carefully selecting her spices to cook and I grew up disliking most spices.I like Chinese style cooking.

8)I used to see my mum love eating chocolates.
I grew up not liking chocolates.



So I have formed a conclusion that children actually never learn anything from parents!!
Each one of us have our own behavior built in..just waiting to unfold.

 

[prasad1]

It is parents duty to teach everything they know to their children, and give them room to grow.
It is children's prerogative to choose what they like.
Everyone has to live by the value system they have for themselves at that time and place.
Parents take too much credit or blame for their children's action.
Our lives are shaped by our Karmas and our direction of spiritual evolution.
We as a beings are fellow travelers for part of the ways.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Renuka,

Your post #2 is really nice, contradicting OP. It clearly shows how children can differ in their practices and preferences unlike what their parents do and advocate.


YES!!! The choices, preferences, ways & means etc..etc would differ between the growing children and their parents, in due course of time, sooner or later, just as the individuality of the children.

BUT, broadly speaking, the OP reveals the truth that, children tend to psychologically and emotionally get influenced in their home environment and end up gaining or losing something or other. Children learn many things from their parents and that plays a role in their life some way. What the children have grasped knowingly or unknowingly, would reflect in their life/personality in some way or other.


I believe, the same is the case with you. Your parents are Theists and religiously inclined and are devotees of Sathya Sai Baba. So are you!!! You are Sai devotee and you are religiously/spiritually inclined. May be your attitude, perceptions and style of spirituality may differ from your parents. But, you are into spirituality!!!

Your likes, dislikes, wants and needs may differ. But some way or other, your total personality is influenced by your parents/home environment.


The basic values and attitude towards human life can be well taught in Home only. Home is the first school for the children and that alone can provide the foundation for learning and growing.

 

[renuka]

I believe, the same is the case with you. Your parents are Theists and religiously inclined and are devotees of Sathya Sai Baba. So are you!!! You are Sai devotee and you are religiously/spiritually inclined. May be your attitude, perceptions and style of spirituality may differ from your parents. But, you are into spirituality!!!

Dear Ravi,

You know all of us became Sathya Sai Baba followers becos of my elder brother.
When my elder brother was 12 years old he brought home a pic of Sathya Sai Baba and Shiridi Baba from school.

A Chinese friend who was a Sai Devotee told my brother to pray to Baba.

My parents accepted the photo from my elder brother and the rest is history.

So it was my elder brother who was instrumental in making us Baba followers.

Yes you are right about the spirituality part...I never had a doubt ever in my mind about God even though when I was young I never always joined prayers at home or even in temples.

I was always a bit uncomfortable to pray in front of many people and loved to pray alone when no one was around.

My parents mistook that as me being disinterested in God and in fact they were afraid I would grow up to be an Atheist!!LOL

It was just that I like one to one personal feeling when I pray and do not like crowd.

Even now I prefer praying alone cos I still feel a bit uncomfortable in group prayer.

Thank for you lovely post Ravi.

 

[Raghy]

Greetings.

I was very careful not to follow anything from the home I grew up in. I experienced the art of 'how not treat a child' from there. By carefully avoiding every single thing I went through, we could support and cherish our children meaningfully. Now we are glad our children hopefully would follow our examples or better when supporting their future children. If we are around, we will help for that too.

The OP may be good for few persons. Unfortunately, my own life was the exact opposite. Personally, none of the points matched; but then I won't wish such a life to anybody.

Cheers!

 

[C RAVI]

By finding faults with our parents we learn what not to do and what else to do and how to do...That's also a learning experience through parents.

Some children, in due course of time become smart to find the defects in parents approach and they adopt their own. And having their own right approach, they would be effectively carrying out their same approach in dealing with their own children after their marriage. And by that, could be effective parent to their children, with best possible contribution from their side, that would further add strength to the new generation.

Some or the other way, home environment/parents make a great contribution in children's learning and growing process.

The more the home environment/parents makes contribution in instilling right values, attitudes and interpersonal skills, the children would come out with more refined forms of them, to be useful to themselves and to their own family in future.


Even if we had wrong parental handling by our parents, we still get to know what is what and what life is all about, as we grow.


The point to be accepted with the OP is - "As the King, So are the Subjects".

Again, we can contradict this saying, stating that, it is a broad generalization.

But the basic understanding and revealing truth is - A children tend to deal with things in the way their parents teach them. If, unfortunately children are misguided by their parents, in terms of dealing with others, themselves and in many other practices, many children tend to have their attitude completely molded in the same wrong manner. And end up learning the right things in hard manner, if at all they could identify what is right and what is wrong. As well, how soon and how later.


IMO, the OP should not be mistaken that, the statements are pertaining to inborn individuality of the children and the children's personal likes and dislikes of substances, preferences, needs & wants etc.


We can't deny the fact that, the inborn positive individuality of the children gets into its full strength and acts accordingly ONLY when the children could think and act on their own, "confidently" (that can be probably/mostly after teen age). Such confidence can 1) hardly be prevailing right from the young/teen age, 2) be attained very very late, 3) never be attained and 4) be gained in a very hard way.

 

[prasad1]

We see from the animal world that the young learn from their parents.
So behavior is mostly learned by watching.
At human level we learns instinctively but in addition we also learn by experimentation, and our individualism.
I am reminded of riding the bike.
A parent has obligation to teach the child, support when they stumble, and appreciate when they ride into the sunset, set them free.

 

[Uma Raja Ramakrishnan]

It's very true sir.

 

[tbs]

We see from the animal world that the young learn from their parents.
So behavior is mostly learned by watching.
At human level we learns instinctively but in addition we also learn by experimentation, and our individualism.
I am reminded of riding the bike.
A parent has obligation to teach the child, support when they stumble, and appreciate when they ride into the sunset, set them free.

hi
like' NEMO' AND THE LION KING stories....lol

 

[Raghy]

We see from the animal world that the young learn from their parents.
So behavior is mostly learned by watching.
At human level we learns instinctively but in addition we also learn by experimentation, and our individualism.
I am reminded of riding the bike.
A parent has obligation to teach the child, support when they stumble, and appreciate when they ride into the sunset, set them free.

Sri. Prasad, Greetings.

Not all of our behaviours are learned by watching others. Personally, my behaviours are not learned behaviour. You may say I could be an isolated case; but there may be many such 'isolated cases too'. I know about myself very well; that's why I said if not most, none of the points match my behaviours. Our behaviour pattern is quite fluid. We keep changing our behaviours. Only few basic default qualities don't change. Such default qualities are in our gene.

let me give you two examples -- I lived with ridicule day in and day out; one day decided enough is enough! Shy? Man, I smashed in to everything I wanted. Do I look a person with shy? You may work it out!

Day in day out I was discouraged. If those wrds had any truth in them, I should have been starting my life as the helper boy working in a small shop; in fact there was a talk about sending me to one such a job ( after my getting high marks in school final. My maths marks were in 90s out of 100). Did i lose confidence? No sir! I shipped myself out to learn a trade! Here I am settled in Australia!

Sometimes words like OP are suggestive to youngsters. They kind of justify confused thoughts to already confused minds. Recently one of my nieces completed M.BA. She hasn't got a job offer yet. She was a bit down... came online to talk to me. She knows my attitude.. I just infused confidence. I didn't quote any words of wisdom.. just power pep talk like military with all the slangs.. she said she felt empowered... she won that round of interview on that day, still waiting for the next round.. hope she gets it!

Cheers!

 

[renuka]

Sri. Prasad, Greetings.

Not all of our behaviours are learned by watching others. Personally, my behaviours are not learned behaviour. You may say I could be an isolated case; but there may be many such 'isolated cases too'. I know about myself very well; that's why I said if not most, none of the points match my behaviours. Our behaviour pattern is quite fluid. We keep changing our behaviours. Only few basic default qualities don't change. Such default qualities are in our gene.

let me give you two examples -- I lived with ridicule day in and day out; one day decided enough is enough! Shy? Man, I smashed in to everything I wanted. Do I look a person with shy? You may work it out!

Day in day out I was discouraged. If those wrds had any truth in them, I should have been starting my life as the helper boy working in a small shop; in fact there was a talk about sending me to one such a job ( after my getting high marks in school final. My maths marks were in 90s out of 100). Did i lose confidence? No sir! I shipped myself out to learn a trade! Here I am settled in Australia!

Sometimes words like OP are suggestive to youngsters. They kind of justify confused thoughts to already confused minds. Recently one of my nieces completed M.BA. She hasn't got a job offer yet. She was a bit down... came online to talk to me. She knows my attitude.. I just infused confidence. I didn't quote any words of wisdom.. just power pep talk like military with all the slangs.. she said she felt empowered... she won that round of interview on that day, still waiting for the next round.. hope she gets it!

Cheers!

Dear Raghy,

I somewhat agree with you.
Not all behaviors are learned by watching others.
But we can learn a lot by watching other peoples behavior.

When I was an intern in government hospital this is what I learnt from most of my consultants:

1)Never to be as arrogant as anyone of them.

2)Never to treat junior doctors badly like how senior consultants do.

3)Never to have fear to give suggestions for treatment no matter how junior we are.
I remember I was on call once as a junior intern and a patient who was put on Aspirin started to bleed.
I alerted the medical officer on call who in turn alerted the specialist on call.

And none of them had the guts to stop the aspirin cos it was the senior most consultant who had ordered the Aspirin and everyone was scared to off the Aspirin.

Don't ask me why they had no balls but each did not want to anger this consultant who was a tyrant and would yell at one who tried to change his treatment.

I gave a damn to anyone of them and stopped the Aspirin and ordered a CT scan brain for patient that night and it was an Intracranial bleed induced by Aspirin.

But sadly the patient died the next morning.

The next day the consultant was shocked to see the patient dead and the other doctors were telling me "how dare you stop the Aspirin very well knowing the consultant might not like it"

I was "ya..I know none of you guys have guts and see what happened finally?"

You see what I mean...each one wants to respect seniors to be in their good books..that's fine as long it does not cost anyone's life.

 

[Raghy]

Renuka,

The culture in the hospital is the same here too. Junior doctors seldom change consultants orders. When I was working in the surgical ward. I had a lady who just swooned and fell regularly soon after morning meds. She was on anti-hypertensive 20 mg and beta blockers 50 mg. i protested she was on too much meds in the mane and too little in the evening. After 3 days observation, they moved the anti-hypertensive to nocte; but I was suggesting anti-hypertensive 10 mg BD. At last I got annoyed and refused to administer the meds and paged the doctor to see the effect for himself; then only they changed the medication to twice a day. I know, it would be quite frustrating.

You are right. I learned a lot from other people. From my age of 12 I started hanging out with 'rough kids'. Most of my self confidence came from there. ( Most of these rough kids went to Bombay to work in the mills. When they saved enough money, came back to the village and started business. Sometimes I regret I didn't go with them to Bombay... to my credit, I even had a trade!).

Cheers1

 

[vgane]

My own understanding of this is that the traits of adults both good and bad are established when the person is young

Mahatma Gandhi in his autobiography "Experiments with truth" has talked about the impact of Harishchandra & Shravana dramas that he chanced to view in his young age on his moral character

In this modern age of internet & digital media we need to set moral boundaries for our children & let them experiment well within the boundaries...Moral boundaries helps the child to know what is right or wrong...It helps the child to understand the limits and make it independent as it grows..Ultimately the bird has to fly from its nest one day

It is not without any reason that Willaim Wordsworth said that "Child is the father of man"

Let us cultivate good behavior from a young age...

When a child is raw it has ID which is instinctual as in animals...It cries for attention ...When it needs food it cries or lifts its hand

As it grows it develops ego & superego which is typical of human beings as we grow...This was well explained by Sigmand Freud in his structural model of the Conscious Vs Unconscious mind


Even our Hindu saints have recommended that good habits be learnt at young age...It is not without reason that they recommended the initiation of Sandhyavandhana by the age of 7

 

[C RAVI]

If parents have the tendencies to keep doing mischief with neighbors with the knowledge of their growing kids, many a chance of these kids developing such attitude


If parents have the tendencies to keep shouting and abusing each other in front of their children, many a chance of children doing the same among siblings and towards their parents too.


If parents tend to be hostile towards others at the drop of a hat and misguide the kids, stating that, this is the only way to win yourself, many a chance of children developing the same attitude


If parents tend to criticize every other for every thing and keep exposing their such criticism to their children with their own justifications, many a chance of children doing the same as they grow, to the extent of their level.


If parents themselves are week and meek and keep scaring their kids, thinking they are guiding their kids correctly in order to keep them scratch free, many a chance of children remaining week and meek and develop inferior complexity, deep within themselves.

If parents tend to ridicule others in front of their children and tend to ridicule their own children often, many a chance of children turning introvert, shy, fearful and keeping themselves away from the crowd. By the time kinds take charge of their own in right direction (that mostly happens after or during the late teen age only), the kids might have lost their precious time and chances of easy and timely advancements.



If parents tend to be appreciating and encouraging their kids for every tiniest details, kids tend to develop interest, confidence and expertise.


If parents be paradigm of honestly, discipline, orderliness, love, generosity, friendliness, humanity, sympathy, righteousness etc..etc, children tend to grasp the same and develop themselves into such personality.


East or West, North or South, the above statements in line with OP, is the universal truth. And through out the globe, parents are expected to be the best parents of their kids.


IMO, OP is very appreciable. It gives a good moral message to the parents and would be parents. The statements in OP can be well taken in the right spirit and with clear mind, without any confusions and contradictions.

IMO, OP is also an eye opener for many children who have closed their eyes and mind with their unshakable faith/belief that, just what ever their parents know, feel and share with them are the only and the only Gospel Truth, the reality and the only possibility.


Children are many who are lacking with confidence and over all inter personality skills, Tend to be desperately looking out and finding others parents through Online Chat or emails or phone calls, in order to keep themselves boosted and guided. Because, unfortunately they could not have their parents doing the same to them right from their growing process.


Children who lacks ideal / desirable qualities/personality, end up learning by looking at others, that many a times for many children, is a long process, hard process and seem to be a confused process (depending on how much they learned from parents and how much are they lacking). Because, unfortunately such children could not have their parents capable to mold them in right manner, right from their growing process.


Let us not confuse our self with the moral message in OP and establish wrongly that, the OP is justifying the confused thoughts to already confused minds.