Duty

[indianassault]

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What do parents gain by spending all their life working for their kids? And once we are on our own,by living away from aged parents, are we really failing in our duty to care of them when they are old? I am entering that period now and it constantly saddens me.

 

[Raji Ram]

Yes! This is the topic of discussion wherever I go! :blah:

Many youngsters live in metro cities / abroad and their parents live in another place. The modern facilities enable them

see and chat everyday thro' internet. Physical support can not be given to the parents. Domestic help could be financed

if the parents are not able to afford it. The problem is more when one parent is singled out!

Recently I had a chat with one of my friends. He was feeling sad for leaving his mom in a senior resort since he lives in the

U S of A and is able to visit her only once in a year, for a couple of weeks.

And...... financially dependent parents have a tough time living in India! :sad:

 

[krish44]

there are two basic causes for all the misery of senior citizens

Lure of big money in foreign lands and our youngsters are in get rich quick cycle working often 10-12 hours a day with no time for seniors left behind.They have

become comfortable with lifestyles and western values to feel deeply for anyone beyond themselves.some care for their parents in a detached kind of way. they might

throw some money to them to live in a retirement home to overcome their guilt complex in case their wives permit them

The life expectancy of indians in india has enormously gone up. we often come across seniors who are in late seventies ,eighties and some even in nineties

but most finish their active work life at 58 yrs and sometime 60 years. Most spend bulk of their income in education ,marriage of their children . a lucky few buy

house/flat for their stay. most have a few deposits and pension to live on.bulk of them have no medical insurance or at best eligible to be treated in govt hospitals with

poor facilities.

with this scenario it is a disaster for seniors who are likely to join indias poor in coming years.

there has to be a multi pronged approach to these issues.those who have gone abroad for better pastures should draw the line on returning at appropriate time for a

years to take care of elderly. Oppurtunities are there in india for all after opening out of economy.

Senior citizen could increase their worklife by atleast ten years upto seventy to take care of increased longevity . They should become self sufficient and not act

prematurely old. Most cease to be useful members of society and keep cursing their children for their fate. They do not realise they are themselves responsible for the

financial mess they have created by bad management of personal finance.most are not selfish and do not keep aside money for their old age. they spend

indiscriminately on children . their financial portfolios are skewed with money parked in fixed money instruments giving low/negative returns with absolutely no apetite

for risks,with 10 percent inflation they can become only poorer and beggars in course of time.

I have no sympathy for either children and parents . Both are equally at fault

 

[Raji Ram]

It is not as easy as you think, Krish Sir! Not all the seniors have good jobs or able to mint money in shares! I know a few cook mAmis

who have either lost / have a paralyzed husband, unable to earn a single paisa, striving hard to bring up their children to have a life of

comfort. If these children do not take care of their mother, they will surely be the sinners. This happens in the uneducated circle in our

society, brahm or non-brahm! One old servant maid was left in the streets by her only son who was had a fairly good income, when she

developed cataract in both her eyes and was not useful to him anymore to take care of household chores! Such is life. :tsk:

 

[krish44]

Rajiramji
I talked of middle and lower middle class.

What you say is those below this level. I have done more research on them

You know I am an authority on delhi tamil slum dwellers and their lifestyles.

I will tell you about many who are enterprising and smart.I have one cook from a slum who has brought up four daughters ,educated them upto class 12 thru open

school and got them married of after desertion by husband. when husband came back in old age she most unwillingly supported him for fear of society until his death.

she lives on her own in a rented one room flat 3000 rs per month and cooks in two houses every day eaning 8-9000rs.she is fifty five.

I have another in sixties doing domestic work [washing utensils, cleaning house,clothes] in three houses earning 5-6 k per month , she has built an unauthorised flat in

resettlement colony and getting rent for one floor and staying another floor. she supported an alcoholic husband for a lifetime.

some brahmin cooks also do well. My sons cook in fifties has a husband who is temple archakar and she makes 6k a month cooking and also educated her daughter to

MBA level . She is getting her married to a well placed executive in MNC.she also a flat of her own

It is the incompetent and those who do not have grit and work attitudes who suffer in all the classes.

I find that there are oppurtunities for all . It is the work attitude and approach to living that is missing.

Most want everything free and imagine world owes them a living.

 

[Raji Ram]

You talk about middle aged ladies and I talk about those who are past 70! I repeat... A son / daughter who earns a good amount of

money is a sinner if he / she does not support the lonely parents / parent, when they need support - at least financially!

 

[krish44]

Rajiramji

I understand clearly what you say.

I was talking of middle aged ladies/older who are between 55 to 65 supporting husbands over 70 plus.

If you like I will present even older cases.

One lady rom gandhi ashram , a destitute widow in mid sixties sixties moved out to support a "young" man in late seventies who promised her board and lodging and became his

companion for him[no marriage] and cooked ,sewed and looked after him for 12 years until he died at 90 years leaving her enough money to go back to ashram for her

balance days.she was a brahmin lady. The man a petty insurance agent making small money thru commissions and collecting commissions for paper ads.

I will tell you another couple in late sixties,Man installing PCs in small shops with software for retail and wife giving lectures for learning english language. they live

in a 30 year old tamilnadu housing board flat.both are keeping themselves afloat by shrewd palghat brahmin business acumen and not depending on kid.Both have

all old age ailments BP, diabetic and niggling injuries

 

[indianassault]

Its not about money. My father is a retired govt EB engineer. He has his pension, house etc. He supported her mother, chithi, chitapa till their end and performs their rituals till date.MY FIL also supported her Mother till the end. I wonder these days, we have money, but does it buy happiness and content ?

 

[krish44]

indianassaultji ,

I agree it is not money alone.

One has to have support systems .

close relatives under the same roof can help.

one can plant helps for cooking and household chores so that they are not bothered for requirements of day to day living.

also proper location of their houses near markets, rail heads or airport helps.

they have security concerns . so gated apartments with security ,doors with magic eye ,alarms help.

then they require people who share their interests they can bond with .

this matters a lot.

it is a complex issue - managing senior citizens .

best is live with them if possible.

but I do not know if the next generation living with them is a help or a nuisance .

Only senior citizens can tell

 

[auh]

What do parents gain by spending all their life working for their kids? And once we are on our own,by living away from aged parents, are we really failing in our duty to care of them when they are old? I am entering that period now and it constantly saddens me.

Shri Sangom once quoted Khalil Gibran's poems in another context... and I think it is quite appropriate to reproduce the poem here:

(for those who dont like poems, cast your mind elsewhere... this may not be your cuppa wisdom... lol)

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

As in perfect competition (in economics), for a perfect parent-child relationship, each must understand their roles (not necessarily restricted to Khalil's poems) and play within their limitations, taking care not to misuse or abuse the string that connects each of them. And in this way, the child's (or children's) duty, if any, would be defined by the relative "wisdom" of the parties involved, and the strength of relationship.

For a definition of what is wisdom, pls refer to the wisdom thread !

 

[Raji Ram]

Its not about money. My father is a retired govt EB engineer. He has his pension, house etc. He supported her mother, chithi, chitapa till their end and performs their rituals till date.MY FIL also supported her Mother till the end. I wonder these days, we have money, but does it buy happiness and content ?

Dear Sir,

Providing physical support to elderly parents becomes a dream when the sons / daughters live miles away from them.

The formula should be: 'If you are happy, I am happy too!'. Just see that the parents are kept comfortable and happy.

Keep in touch with them regularly if possible by video chats.

At present I am taking care of my mom and a track in my mind keeps on saying, 'Hey! You can't afford to get sick! OK?'.

 

[JR]

What do parents gain by spending all their life working for their kids? And once we are on our own,by living away from aged parents, are we really failing in our duty to care of them when they are old? I am entering that period now and it constantly saddens me.

Yes, we do fail in our duty by not being close to aged parents and serving them. To this day, a sizeable portion of my earnings has been contributed to the welfare of my maternal family, as I originally hail from lower middle class. If not for this constraint, I wouldn't have taken up the opportunity to move to USA. I truly appreciate all those angels who are from significantly well-off families who have refused the urge to marry and settled own abroad to be with their loved ones in their old age and serve them.

 

[Vaagmi]

Yes, we do fail in our duty by not being close to aged parents and serving them. To this day, a sizeable portion of my earnings has been contributed to the welfare of my maternal family, as I originally hail from lower middle class. If not for this constraint, I wouldn't have taken up the opportunity to move to USA. I truly appreciate all those angels who are from significantly well-off families who have refused the urge to marry and settled own abroad to be with their loved ones in their old age and serve them.

The only son of a friend of me has got his parents admitted in an old age home with facilities for assistance. He is in US with his family. He makes it a point to visit India either alone or with his wife once in 3-4 months just to see his parents. The parents are healthy as of now. The parents as well as the son understand that this is the best possible solution for three important reasons. 1. parents do not like living in US. 2. They do not want their son to suffer for them by working in a place where there is very little scope for the flowering of his potentials. 3. The son feels he misses a lot by not being near his parents in their old age.

The son says it is costly, but does not mind because he earns enough there.

 

[Raji Ram]

A widower in his seventies could not manage all alone in his flat because he had to take care of his nonagenarian mom!

He has booked two single rooms in a posh senior citizen resort (I like to call in this way!) in the outskirts of Sing. Chennai.

Mom spends most of her time resting on her bed and he has made many friends there. Both are happy!

 

[Raji Ram]

One more situation! Fighting parents and the only son mostly supports his mother. He promises to take care of her for ever!

Then comes the 'wedding search'! The son selects a girl from IR and keeps it a secret. Parents run to astrologers to find a

matching horoscope, taking care NOT to change even the sub-sect! After three years of struggle, the lovvu matter comes as

a bolt from the blue! What duty will the son do to his parents when he gets married to a girl whom his parents disapprove?

 

[CHANDRU1849]

Joint family system has almost disappeared and nucleus family is the order of the day.

In the case of economically well off parents, though emotional support may be missing, financially they may not find much difficulty, but expect children to visit regularly. For poor people, both are missing. Govt. must evolve a suitable social security mechanism to help the needy.

In the case of middle/upper class groups, the parents should form societies of similar category, like Self Help Groups, to move on smoothly, as what will be the next family system after nucleus family is not known.

The religious leaders can also create a separate space for such people, by using their influence.