dear sankara,
my response was a reply to what i understood to be the level of info you gave me. if you think i was wrong, so be it. i make mistakes. ok?
now that i have more info that you have shared, i see a dichotomy here.
one one hand, you stated, that you are more than an uncle to your nephews nieces (2Ns). you have been their confidant, buddy, companion, advisor, mentor and a substitute ideal parent, with ideal behavioural and communications skills. you have been able to relate to them. you have also been a benefactor, bestowing gifts to them - you in india while they are in the usa.
based on this, you only feel right, that on their visits to india, they could drop by and spend a day with you.
the 2nd part of the dichotomy, is - that being an elderly relative - you expect - based on the relational hierarchy - for a visit from them. my answer dealt with the second part - ie older relations expecting respect and homage from the youngsters, based on age, relationship and traditions.
i have always disagreed with such expectations. respect, whether it be young or old, has to be earned.
i can understand, many 2Ns avoiding uncles mainly because, the uncles mistake these types of visits for homage, ask throbbing and intrusive questions, many of which, even parents dont ask. apparently they think, that age is a licence to probe other's lives, forgetting that these 2Ns are grown ups and have an adult mind of their own.
any visit, should come of their own voliation. ie love, affection, eagerness, fondness, respect and cheer, all rolled into one. i have one aunt, with whom i have such a relationship and i would make special visits to india just to spend a couple of days with her. on the other hand, i have an uncle, who though late 80, is a pain in the butt, and whom i have deliberately stopped communication, because, in this day and age, i feel, no one has to put up with obtusive behaviour, whether it be from young or old.
maybe while your 2Ns enjoyed your money and companionship, maybe of late, they find your company or your advice unwanted. if they had truly wanted, and if they felt that time spent with you would have been enjoyable, i am sure they would have visited you. i think this is more a time for introspection on your part - how you project yourself to your 2Ns. it may be an interesting journey, worth in itself and provide its own rewards, re self discovery
question yourself: how do others see you...amazing how many negative aspects of yourself jut out prominently
to get the parents involved - the 2Ns are grown ups. adults. it is time parents respected some of the decisions. when it comes to their own interests, parents can be voluble. but when it comes to recommending visits to relatives, it is best they keep quiet. it is going to fall on deaf ears anyway.
back to the first issue - a reward to you, for all the good deeds done. sorry sankara, memory is short. maybe in your 2Ns' eyes what you did, may not have mattered much. atleast it was not enough for them to visit you. maybe you got a phone call? if not even that, best is to keep quiet.
if there was ever any affection, someday they might call you. otherwise there never was.
such is life.
sorry you feel this way, but protect yourself and move on.
the parents have nothing to do with it. atleast i think so. they should have released the kids from the umblical chord long long ago.
last but not least: do we really want 'forced' visits from our 2Ns - ie visits forced on them to visit their uncles and aunts? what type of relationship is that? where there is love and affection, i think, if possible, they will come automatically. if they don't we have to accept the fact, that the 2Ns either do not have that level of regard for us, or they are too busy with other more important stuff to do in their limited time here. if we cannot accept that, then we are condemned to a feeling of anger or neglect or both.
