ingnoring the parents

[vasumathi]

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I t has become common among most of the yopungsters to leave their parents in old age homes and go away that heir responsibilities are over. It is sickening to see them in pathetic plight with woe begone faces. Will not nature react?

 

[pannvalan]

Even if they are not admitted in old age homes, leaving them high and dry by the children at their own home at their place of permanent settlement, especially by the boys and unmarried daughters who want to go to very far off places to seek greener pastures is an act of unkindness. Agreed?

It is not uncommon these days to see the children who could not in time reach the place where their parents live, even in emergency situations. Alas, even at the time of death of the parent/s, the children are unable to be by their side. After death also, the dead body is kept waiting for the son and daughter to arrive from far off places for a day or two (or even three days in some cases), for the funeral to be performed.

I am utterly perplexed what we are going to earn, achieve and retain, when we cannot hold our family together? What is the real purpose of life then?
Is it just amassing wealth, being insensitive and indifferent to the plight of other persons within the family? In the path to earn money, position, power and glory, we disregard the interests and welfare of other stakeholders in the family (not just old aged parents). In this process, I have a genuine fear, it amounts to one disowning all persons who are left alone, not properly cared for, at a distant place where one cannot go quite often as it demands.

Can money be a true and effective substitute for everything in life? Can money perform the role of a parent, son/daughter or any other relationship for that matter?

This materialistic outlook is slowly eating into the vitals of our Indian culture and we are slowly losing our social and cultural moorings without even realising it. How pathetic!

 

[B.Krishnamurthy]

I suggest that those who have never seen "Visuvin Makkal Arangam"episodes may see the shorter version of the following episode in
Youtube.
Visuvin Makkal Arangam--Emotional Episode uploaded by ka 02 e 8049 on Feb,23,2008.
This serial is one of the BEST any Tamil Viewer will like(not necessarily enjoy as entertainment)This particular serial shows how the relationships
in the family deteriorates in present day society.The lady Tirumathi.Pa.Kalyani who narrates her experience is running an old age home in Coimbatore.I was really moved by seeing this serial.
Ps:-I am unable to upload this serial here without assistance from an experienced person.I will be happy if someone uploads this in this thread.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

unfortunately this is not a new development. It started about 100 to 150 years back when the Brahmins left their villages and migrated to the cities for employment. My village about 60 years back had only old people staying there. Of course some of them had their grand children with them. The grand children were dumped on them for the convenience of the parents. Once they finished schooling they went back to their parents.

The only difference is that the old people did not complain. They were happy that their children were doing well. They jusified the action of their children and argued vehemently that it is the best way.

They never blamed the children for neglecting them.

But the present generation of parents, many of whom are the very people who abandoned their own parents in the village, complain bitterly. They write articles in newspapers.

As I have been posting repeatedly in this and other forums there is no difference between laeving old parents in Kallidaikuricchi and going off to Bombay and leaving the parents in Madras and going off to U.S.

தினை விதைத்தான் தினை அறுப்பான்

வினை விதைத்தான் வினை அறுப்பான்

 

[pannvalan]

I endorse your views. This is what I also conveyed in a different language.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

The other side of the coin is there are many children who think that the parent's life has ended when they retire.

Nowadays most people live upto the gae of 80 and beyond. So a man has about 20 years of fruitful life after retirement. This period is not meant for acting as foster parents of grand children, or unpaid nurses, governesses and handy man for the children.

Retired life is meant for enjoying the fruits of years of labour. Let the parents live their lives.

 

[sravna]

People go after money to`earn a high stature and recognition from others and they derive happiness from that. But why don't people realize that a fail proof way to happiness is not to seek such things. If you put the effort that you put into amassing money and in maintaining your stature, into disciplining your mind you would be far better off in terms of happiness and peace. An undisciplined mind with all the money in the world may not buy you peace but a disciplined mind with even no money can buy you all the peace that you need.

 

[suraju06]

Dear Mr. Iniyan and Panvalan,

Parents never want their children to be tied to their apron strings always. They rather want them to go out into the world to fight their battles and win them all by themselves. When they are healthy and are in a position to take care of themselves they do not want any help from their children. But when the age takes its toll and slows them down, saps their energies and inflation takes away the value of their savings and makes them feel highly insecure, they look up for emotional and sometimes financial support from their children. If it comes forth they are happy and if it does not come still they carry on. They do not demand it as a matter of repayment of debts and do not curse their children for neglecting them. The problem is acute only in the case of those who are not financially comfortable. Financial support comes in the form of admittance in a well appointed old age home but emotional support remains a question because an old age home is emotionally empty. Our community has yet to come to grips with this problem.

 

[renuka]

I suggest that those who have never seen "Visuvin Makkal Arangam"episodes may see the shorter version of the following episode in
Youtube.
Visuvin Makkal Arangam--Emotional Episode uploaded by ka 02 e 8049 on Feb,23,2008.
This serial is one of the BEST any Tamil Viewer will like(not necessarily enjoy as entertainment)This particular serial shows how the relationships
in the family deteriorates in present day society.The lady Tirumathi.Pa.Kalyani who narrates her experience is running an old age home in Coimbatore.I was really moved by seeing this serial.
Ps:-I am unable to upload this serial here without assistance from an experienced person.I will be happy if someone uploads this in this thread.

Ok done..this is the link ...

YouTube - Visuvin Makkal Arangam - emotional episode


Ok..its not too hard to paste the link here..
i will tell u..
step 1)when you are in You tube
step2)below the Video you can see a small box 3rd from the left its says Share
step3) click on that
step4)you will see a box appear showing Link to this video starting with some http:/you tube....
step5)highlight this link by left clicking your mouse..you will note this link will be blue in color.
step6)now keep your mouse arrow(cursor) on this highlighted link.
step7) now Right click your mouse
step8) the word Copy will appear.
step9)left click the word Copy.
step10) now when you are ready to paste this on TB forum all you do is Right click again in Forum and Left Click on Paste and the You Tube link will be paste here.

 

[kunjuppu]

i saw the video.

i do not know if this is a new society standard. from toronto, i have helped out folks who live here, to find old age homes in chennai for their parents.

while my generation too moved away, there was an effort to bring the parents with them where possible (like canada, australia). or there were remnants of relativess still in india, who could take care of the parents.

nowadays, with smaller families, with only one or two children, and both living out of the country, we need to do some rethinking re parent care.

a few years ago, this happened in a canadian family that i know very well. the old father was living alone isolated in northern canada, and it so happened he died, in the midst of some planned celebration at his only daughter's house, for the grand daughter. the comment that came out, was that it was 'an inconvenient time to die'. folks do forget, that times of death are either times of sorrow or inconvenience.

the sad fact, is that this man left a handsome legacy to his only daughter.

the lady kalyani may be right.

i have also seen old people in my neighbourhood, santhome of the 60s, couples sitting in the thinnais, and from deep inside came the booming abuses of the daughter in law.

i think the abuse of old folks has been there in all times. except now, we are coming to hear more of it. previously it was kept well hidden.

...and then,

this we never discuss. bad parents. i have seen folks, who i think should never have had children. these are the abusive parents, from whom, the children cannot wait to leave home. yes folks, these do exist.

is it a wonder that the children will have nothing to do with these in later years?

 

[subbudu1]

i saw the video.

i do not know if this is a new society standard. from toronto, i have helped out folks who live here, to find old age homes in chennai for their parents.

while my generation too moved away, there was an effort to bring the parents with them where possible (like canada, australia). or there were remnants of relativess still in india, who could take care of the parents.

nowadays, with smaller families, with only one or two children, and both living out of the country, we need to do some rethinking re parent care.

a few years ago, this happened in a canadian family that i know very well. the old father was living alone isolated in northern canada, and it so happened he died, in the midst of some planned celebration at his only daughter's house, for the grand daughter. the comment that came out, was that it was 'an inconvenient time to die'. folks do forget, that times of death are either times of sorrow or inconvenience.

the sad fact, is that this man left a handsome legacy to his only daughter.

the lady kalyani may be right.

i have also seen old people in my neighbourhood, santhome of the 60s, couples sitting in the thinnais, and from deep inside came the booming abuses of the daughter in law.

i think the abuse of old folks has been there in all times. except now, we are coming to hear more of it. previously it was kept well hidden.

...and then,

this we never discuss. bad parents. i have seen folks, who i think should never have had children. these are the abusive parents, from whom, the children cannot wait to leave home. yes folks, these do exist.

is it a wonder that the children will have nothing to do with these in later years?

What about good parents? I feel we must all make those compromises to ensure that we keep our parents in our eyesight. They should have free access to our home everyday, play with their grandchildren etc. Age moderates the severest of men. Money may be there, but some touch some affection. Is this not the thing we want in our children, despite our big talks on being independent?

 

[kunjuppu]

subbudu,

as i am approaching my own old age, i cannot but think of these things.

when it comes to parents, i feel chldren always feel guilty for not having done enough. atleast i do.

with regards to my own children, spouse and self have told them, that we would not financially depend on them. also we would like our independence and live by ourselves.

having said that, we would probably follow the examples of many people we know, whites and desis, who transplant themselves, and buy/rent an apartment, close to where their chldren choose to live. that way, they have their own lives, let the children live their own lives, and both are at hand to support each other.

who knows how the future will unfold?

 

[subbudu1]

subbudu,

as i am approaching my own old age, i cannot but think of these things.

when it comes to parents, i feel chldren always feel guilty for not having done enough. atleast i do.

with regards to my own children, spouse and self have told them, that we would not financially depend on them. also we would like our independence and live by ourselves.

having said that, we would probably follow the examples of many people we know, whites and desis, who transplant themselves, and buy/rent an apartment, close to where their chldren choose to live. that way, they have their own lives, let the children live their own lives, and both are at hand to support each other.

who knows how the future will unfold?

Things are not like in the eighties and nineties atleast in India. Children have to move on hop from place to place. Nowadays youngsters have their enough headaches. They have their little arguments with wife. Parents cannot adjust to the new environment or city. If they stay in the same house mother in law and daughter in law both will start crying. Same problem in all castes in India. Staying close by , bringing parents nearby that initiative has to be their in children. Some people may have the money but majority parents dont have such a big balance. They can at best stay where they are , close to their friend circles. It is a very complicated phenomenon affecting all Indians in India, and may be others like yourself also.

 

[kunjuppu]

subbudu,

your last statement is on the spot. having good friends. friends are by choice, and we are indeed blessed with very good friends, whom we look upon closer than most members of my family.

we too hope to stick around our familiar grounds, and the city where i live is a large one. one never knows. sometimes distances makes the hearts go fonder. other times, when children are concerned, it only distances the relationships. i have experienced both.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

These kind of debate is based on certain assumptions. The heading of the thread itelf is based on an assumption.

1. Parents are ignored by children.

2. Parents feel neglected by children.

3. Old age homes are bad.

4. Parents want to live with the children.

None of these apply in all cases.

Every one of these statements is true only in some cases but not all.

So no solution can fit in with all situations.

Myself and my wife have been staying by ourselves for the last 10 years. Earlier one of my sons stayed in the same city. Then we moved far away from Tamil Nadu for our own reasons. The nearest realtive is about 2000 Kilo Meters away. (Railway distance). We are happy and as contented as most people. Our children do visit us. We have get togethers. We visit them. Then we go on holidays together. We value, cherish and enjoy our independence. Of course we were never dependent on the children.

We had a cook in Madras. When we moved to the new place the only problem was that my wife had to cook. But there is a South Indian Brahmin Mess who send us sambar and curry. Rice is prepared by my wife as we eat only food which is first offered to GOD. Cooked rice becomes Maha Naivedyam.

About old age homes I envy the people who stay in the Florida old age homes/retirement viillages. Some promoters had promised similar homes/retirement villages in India. Looking out for that.

My brother and sister also live such lives. The only difference is that all their children are abroad whereas my chidren are in India.

 

[B.Krishnamurthy]

Smt.Renuka Karthikayan,
Thank you for uploading the video and also for guiding me how to upload you tube videos.

 

[Raghy]

I t has become common among most of the yopungsters to leave their parents in old age homes and go away that heir responsibilities are over. It is sickening to see them in pathetic plight with woe begone faces. Will not nature react?

Respectable members, Greetings.

I left India in 1990. My elders were not left in old age home. My brother lives with them (he is employed nearby; he says he enjoys the advantages of living in the family home, pension incomes supplementing his income...), looked after them. I rang them and wrote to them often in the beginning; reduced to ringinging; nowadays, skype or MSN, often. Only mum is still alive; she is really cool; she just rings and asks us to come to 'computer' whenever she wishes to see any of us; she thinks this is very cool.

There is one more side to that same coin. My parents left us. We requested so many times, asked our parents to visit us. They didn't. When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, I asked, then I begged my mother..or someone to come here to help me out.... I ended up learning to look after a lady with post natal depression. The situation was compounded by the fact, my wife was very upset... she physically and financially helped all the time..she did not differentiate between her mother and her MIL... Many years later, my wife talked about those post natal depressed days. After all that, still my wife keeps the purse strings open to help any relative from India; still her MIL do not even have to ask, help flows automatically. Our children are convinced, people from India seldom feels the same passion like they do (in the school, it is drummed in their heads that they should look after their elders and the vice versa).

We did ask our elders for their refusal to visit.... they are afraid to visit a strange place; afraid to become sick in a starnge place; afraid to adjust to a starnge place. I know not all the parents are like this. I am just showing the other side of the coin. One may even say, I am not good enough for my elders to visit me; that is quite possible too.

Cheers!

 

[subbudu1]

One may even say, I am not good enough for my elders to visit me; that is quite possible too.

Fact that you feel that way shows you in great light.