Quotable quotes / laughter the best medicine
v Office-- a place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
v To women men are like bank accounts,without a lot of money they don’t generate much interest.
v To err is human,to blame your computer for your mistake is even more human,it is down right natural.
v A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
v Cigarette---a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other end.
v Let the meek inherit the world after we are through with it.
v Doctor – a person who kills your ills by pills, and then kills you with his bills.
v The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,because the average man can see better than he can think.
v Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
v Always borrow money from a pessimist,he does’nt expect to be paid back.
v Take my advice,I don’t use it anyway.
v Where there is a “WILL” I want to be in it.
v War does’nt determine who is right,war determines who is left.
v A bachelor is a guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
v There was a family, Mr.Bigger,Mrs.Bigger,and their baby,who was bigger?
v Answser, the baby - He was a little bigger.
v Learn from the mistakes of others,you can’t live long enough to make them all by yourself.
v Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.Check three of your friends,and if they are ok,you are IT.
v Men are like government bonds, they take so long to mature.
v Success is a relative term,it brings home lot of relatives.
v A dress is like a barbed fence,it protects the premises without restricting the views.
v Hard work never killed anybody,but why take the risk.
v There are more men than women in mental asylums,which just goes to prove who is driving whom crazy.
v If it is zero degrees outside today,and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,how cold it is going to be.
v Everyone should marry.Afterall happiness is not the only thing in life.
v The wiser never marry,and when they do marry,they become otherwise.
v VACATION SPECIAL-Have your home exterminated;get rid of Aunts; Zap does the job in 24 hours.
v I try to take one day at a time.But sometime several days attack me atonce.
v If your father is a poor man,it is your fate.But if your father-in-law is a poor man it is your stupidity.
v Since light travels faster than sound people appear bright until you hear them speak.
v Men who sink into woman’s arms,soon have their arms in woman’s sinks.
v Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
v Work fascinates me,I can look at it for hours!!
v CORPORATION - An ingenious device for obtaining individual profits,without individual responsibility.
v If you try and don’t succeed ,cheat,repeat until caught,and then lie.
v Ever wonder what the speed of lightining would be if it did not ZIGZAG!
v The sound of a KISS is not as loud as that of a cannon,but its echo lasts a great deal longer.
v Love thy neighbour,but don’t get caught.
Here are sum carefully selected jokes.
1.
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good
trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for
nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
2.
Ek Bus main Ladke aur Ladkiyon ki team bani , Antakshari khelne ke
> liye
> Girls : Hum tumko hara ke dikhayenge
> Any Guesses for BOYS response
> socho socho…………
> Are bhai boys are boys…………….. >
> Boys: Hum Haar gaye , Chalo ab dikhao… !
3.
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours ie. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 - 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left.How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I understood Sir ! thank you sir for all the money you have been giving me, I am sorry for trying to steal from the Company !!!
4.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,"
said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well actually I don't," said the student,
"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
5.
What is difference between Watch & Wife?
Ek bigarti hai to bandh ho jati hai, aur Dusri bigarti hai to chalu ho jati hai !
---------------------------------------------
Always listen to your wife.
She gives Sound Advice:
99% Sound and 1% Advice.
---------------------------------
A 50 yr old man asked wife: Do you feel sad when you see me running behind young girls?
Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them !!!
-------------------------------------
Hubby: Darling, years ago you had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
-----------------------------------
Friend: He Bhagwan tu muje Dard de,Dukh de,Sare sansar ka Gum de,Kasht de,Takleef de.
Response by a friend: Baba pe itni saari demand kyun karte ho,BIWI maanglo!
------------------------------------------
A woman is always right.
Sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, irritable and even downright stupid.... but NEVER EVER wrong...!
------------------------------
Why India did not qualify for the World Soccer?
Laloo 2 his P.A - Itne khiladi kyun football ko laat mar rahe hai?
P.A: Goal karne ke liye.
Laloo: Susra, Ball to pahle se hi gol (round) hai aur kitna gol karenge?
v Office-- a place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
v To women men are like bank accounts,without a lot of money they don’t generate much interest.
v To err is human,to blame your computer for your mistake is even more human,it is down right natural.
v A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
v Cigarette---a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other end.
v Let the meek inherit the world after we are through with it.
v Doctor – a person who kills your ills by pills, and then kills you with his bills.
v The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,because the average man can see better than he can think.
v Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
v Always borrow money from a pessimist,he does’nt expect to be paid back.
v Take my advice,I don’t use it anyway.
v Where there is a “WILL” I want to be in it.
v War does’nt determine who is right,war determines who is left.
v A bachelor is a guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
v There was a family, Mr.Bigger,Mrs.Bigger,and their baby,who was bigger?
v Answser, the baby - He was a little bigger.
v Learn from the mistakes of others,you can’t live long enough to make them all by yourself.
v Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.Check three of your friends,and if they are ok,you are IT.
v Men are like government bonds, they take so long to mature.
v Success is a relative term,it brings home lot of relatives.
v A dress is like a barbed fence,it protects the premises without restricting the views.
v Hard work never killed anybody,but why take the risk.
v There are more men than women in mental asylums,which just goes to prove who is driving whom crazy.
v If it is zero degrees outside today,and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,how cold it is going to be.
v Everyone should marry.Afterall happiness is not the only thing in life.
v The wiser never marry,and when they do marry,they become otherwise.
v VACATION SPECIAL-Have your home exterminated;get rid of Aunts; Zap does the job in 24 hours.
v I try to take one day at a time.But sometime several days attack me atonce.
v If your father is a poor man,it is your fate.But if your father-in-law is a poor man it is your stupidity.
v Since light travels faster than sound people appear bright until you hear them speak.
v Men who sink into woman’s arms,soon have their arms in woman’s sinks.
v Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
v Work fascinates me,I can look at it for hours!!
v CORPORATION - An ingenious device for obtaining individual profits,without individual responsibility.
v If you try and don’t succeed ,cheat,repeat until caught,and then lie.
v Ever wonder what the speed of lightining would be if it did not ZIGZAG!
v The sound of a KISS is not as loud as that of a cannon,but its echo lasts a great deal longer.
v Love thy neighbour,but don’t get caught.
Here are sum carefully selected jokes.
1.
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good
trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for
nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
2.
Ek Bus main Ladke aur Ladkiyon ki team bani , Antakshari khelne ke
> liye
> Girls : Hum tumko hara ke dikhayenge
> Any Guesses for BOYS response
> socho socho…………
> Are bhai boys are boys…………….. >
> Boys: Hum Haar gaye , Chalo ab dikhao… !
3.
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours ie. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 - 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left.How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I understood Sir ! thank you sir for all the money you have been giving me, I am sorry for trying to steal from the Company !!!
4.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,"
said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well actually I don't," said the student,
"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
5.
What is difference between Watch & Wife?
Ek bigarti hai to bandh ho jati hai, aur Dusri bigarti hai to chalu ho jati hai !
---------------------------------------------
Always listen to your wife.
She gives Sound Advice:
99% Sound and 1% Advice.
---------------------------------
A 50 yr old man asked wife: Do you feel sad when you see me running behind young girls?
Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them !!!
-------------------------------------
Hubby: Darling, years ago you had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
-----------------------------------
Friend: He Bhagwan tu muje Dard de,Dukh de,Sare sansar ka Gum de,Kasht de,Takleef de.
Response by a friend: Baba pe itni saari demand kyun karte ho,BIWI maanglo!
------------------------------------------
A woman is always right.
Sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, irritable and even downright stupid.... but NEVER EVER wrong...!
------------------------------
Why India did not qualify for the World Soccer?
Laloo 2 his P.A - Itne khiladi kyun football ko laat mar rahe hai?
P.A: Goal karne ke liye.
Laloo: Susra, Ball to pahle se hi gol (round) hai aur kitna gol karenge?
