Nice, Clean Humour

[saidevo]

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Art

Visiting the Modern Art Museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. "This", she said, "I suppose is a hideous representation of what you call modern art?"
"No madam", replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
==========

Visitor to art exhibit: "Why did they hang this picture?"
"Must be because they couldn't find the artist!"
==========

"What did your father say when you told him you wanted to be an artist?"
"Oh," he said, "All right, but don't start drawing on me."
==========

Beggar: Actually, I am an author. I once wrote a book titled "One hundred ways to earn a fortune".
Businessman: Then why are you begging?
Beggar: This is one of the ways.
==========

Business

"How come, these sausages are meat at one end and sawdust at the other?", asked the old lady.
"That's right, madam", replied the salesman without a change of expression. "It is nowadays hard to make both ends meat."
==========

A businessman engaged a boy who worked well but persisted in whistling jazz tunes.

Unable to bear this any longer, the employer said: "For goodness sake, if you must whistle all the time, whistle something decent."

"Well, sir", replied the boy, "you can't expect a grand opera for ten shillings a week."
==========

"Do you make life-size enlargements of snapshots?"
"That's our speciality."
"Fine. Here's a picture I took of Mount Everest."
==========

A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"
==========

 

[Raghy]

Sri.Saidevo,

All the jokes are good. The vacuum cleaner sales person....that joke is just a master piece! Thank you.

Cheers!

 

[saidevo]

Politicians: George Bush
Leadership philosophy

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr.President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims,

"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Manmohan Singh!"

 

[saidevo]

Classroom

Teacher was trying to give her pupils some idea of the relative size of countries.

"Cambodia is just about as large as Siam", she informed the class.
In a written quiz a few days later, one of the questions was: "How large is Cambodia?"

Three of the papers came back with the answer: "As large as you are, Teacher."
==========

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want - God is watching the apples!!"
==========

"You can take it as an elementary conception that, when an article is sold, it goes to the buyer," said Mr. Winter in the Economics class.

"With the exception of coal", chirped the bright third-former.

"And why coal?", asked Mr. Winter.

"When that's bought, it goes to the cellar."
==========

First-aid instructor: How would you rescue a man from drowning?

A bored student: That's easy: first you take the man out of the water and then take the water out of the man.
==========

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology.

After one week, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No body, no feet, but just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk.

"This is the worst test I have ever given."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your name?"

The student pulled up his trousers up to knee-level & showing his legs to the professor said: "You tell me..."
==========

Proper Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
==========

Word Play

'The lecturer attended the classes today', wrote the English lecturer, explaining that the word 'attended' meant 'took charge' whereas in the case of the students it would mean 'to be present'. He then went out to answer a phone call.

When he came back, he read 'The lecturer attended the lasses today', somebody having rubbed out the 'c' in the word 'classes'.

He asked, "Who did this?" There was no reply, except for some mild giggle from the girls' side.

Not to be outsmarted, he rubbed the 'l' in the world 'lasses', saying "Now this would be a better way of putting it."
==========

 

[saidevo]

Courtroom

"You know the difference between a priest and a donkey?" asked the lawyer.
"What's that?", said the priest.
"The priest prays, the donkey brays."
"Well", said the priest calmly, "you know the difference between a lawyer and a donkey?"
"No", said the lawyer.
"There's no difference."
==========

Counsel: "What's your age, madam?"
Witness: (hesistatingly) "I've seen twenty-three summers."
Counsel: "How many summers were you blind?"
==========

Smith was a young lawyer, clever in many respects, but very forgetful. He had been sent to interview an important client, when the head of the firm received this telegram: "Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once."

The reply was a masterpiece of sarcasm. It ran: "Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith."
==========

Convict no.600: "It took me nearly two years to complete this book."
Convict no.610: "Oh, that's nothing. It took me five years to complete a sentence."
==========

"How did the explosion occur?", exclaimed an expert witness in court.
"The reason's clear. The engineer was full and the boiler was empty."
==========

Did you hear about the lawyer who named his daughter Sue?
==========

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear in court?
Lawsuits.
==========

 

[subra1970]

As seen in the lipton tea bags

Q. NAME FIVE DAYSOF THE WEEK WITHOUT SAYING MONDAY,
TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY & FRIDAY?

A. THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY, YESTERDAY, TODAY,
TOMORROW & DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

Q. WHY DID THE LITTLE BOY THROW BUTTER FROM OUT OF THE
WINDOW?

A. HE WANTED TO SEE THE BUTTERFLY

Q. WHAT DOES EVERYONE HAVE THAT THEY CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON?

A. FINGERS.

Courteosy: Lipton Tea

 

[saidevo]

Culture

Indian Boy: I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. How many do you have?

American Boy: I do not have brothers and sisters. However, from my first mom, I have 3 dads and from my first dad, I have 4 moms.
==========

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.

"We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages?... "I'll tell you my story...

"I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

"My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

"More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. My brother is my grandson.

"Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

"And you say you have family problems?!"
==========

Gujarati Funeral

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed

To her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese,

10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her. The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

PS: If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days.

Your lovingly,
Daughter of dead mother
==========

 

[kunjuppu]

sai,

this reminds me of the enterprise of the gujju community wherever they go. many a times i wish we had some of that type of initiative and savvy.

in the early 1970s, we were a bunch of students at an university in canada. we lived, studied together, ate together etc. except the gujju guy, who used to work every weekend and some nights illegally, at an indian restaurant, make minimum wage, and send the dollars home. in two years, he had a10 acre farmland near ahmedabad and also a graduate degree.

a relative of mine used to work in baroda. he had many gujju friends, who had a soft spot for TBs and would always ask him for young graduates. why? because, they felt the TB would work honestly and hard, accept the pay gladly, and would not cross the street anyday and start a competing business out of what he learned from the current boss. that is why these guys would never hire a fellow gujju, but would prefer a TB.

not sure if how much validity could be given to the above story. but i think there is an element of truth in it. i think the future prosperity of our community lies in entrepreneurship and not in wage earning.

btw, good jokes. both of them.

 

[saidevo]

Drunkards

Doctor: "What on earth have you been doing, Jack! Why, your tongue is absolutely black, man!"
Jack: "I dropped a bottle of whisky on the newly-tarred road."
==========

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job. He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".
==========

Family

Mistress: "And, above all, I want obedience and truthfulness."

New maid: "Yes, madam. But, if anybody calls when you are in and you want me to say you are out, which comes first: obedience or truthfulness?"
==========

The maid picked up the phone and muttered something before slamming it down.
"Who was that, Marie? I'm expecting a trunk-call."
"Only some mad idiot, Mr. Wilson. He said it was a long distance from California. I told him we knew that."
==========

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
==========

One day Jaganbhai meets Kantibhai while shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box.

"It’s my wife Rupaben birthday tomorrow." Kantibhai said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."

"And???" Jaganbhai asked.

"Well, she said ‘Oh, I don't know - just give me something with diamonds in it".

"So, what did you get her?" asked Jaganbhai.

Kantibhai replies, "I bought her a deck of cards!"
==========

 

[saidevo]

Politicians
Arjun Singh

What is an Arjun Singh Sale?
Ans: 49.5% off.

Which is Arjun Singh'S Favourite City?
Ans: Kota

Why doesn't Arjun Singh have yoo many friends?
Ans: Because he's 'reserved' by nature.

Why did Arjun Singh learn Arabic?
Ans: So that he could read 'backwards'.

Arjun Singh was made the Law Minister. He zapped everyone by creating another Supreme Court. He called it the Supreme Tribunal. What was his logic?

Ans: For every SC, there should be an ST.

If Arjun Singh were to make a career in films, which job would he opt for?

Ans: Choosing the caste.

If Arjun Singh owned a movie theater, what would the balcony be called?

Ans: Backward Class

if Arjun Singh were a historian, how would he divide time?
Ans: AD, BC & OB C
==========

Disraeli, Benjamin

At a fashionable London dinner party, Disraeli was once asked to distinguish between a misfortune and a calamity.

"Well", he is reported to have answered, "if Gladstone fell into Thames, that would be a misfortune. If anybody pulled him out, that would be a calamity."
==========

Bush, George

Why Arabs Are Not in Star Trek...

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi Ambassador says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do.

The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in 'Star Trek.'"

President Bush laughs and leAns: toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."
==========

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself that the traffic seemed worse than usual.

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy, or that his tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
==========

 

[saidevo]

Clinton, Bill

What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

Karunanidhi, M.

Laloo, Jayalalitha, and karunanidhi are on a long flight in an Air Force plane. Laloo pulls out a 100 Rupee note and says, "I'm going to throw this Rs.100 note out and make someone down below happy."

Jayalalitha not wanting to be outdone says,

"If that was my 100 Rupee note, I would split it into two Rs.50 notes throw them down and make two people down below happy."

Of course karunanidhi doesn't want these two candidates to out do him so he pipes in,

"I would instead take one hundred Rs.1 notes and throw them out to
make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore comes out and says,

"If I throw all three of you out of this plane and I'll make 100 crore people happy!"
==========

Laloo Prasad Yadav

What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo

Laloos family planning policy:
"Don't have more than two children in one year."

Laloo returns from a US tour. As he completes his press conference and is about to leave, he goes, "I would like to thank the president of the United States from the bottom of my heart and my wife's bottom too."

==========

Laloo poses for a picture

After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture. To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo.

Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"!
==========

Laloo in New York bar

At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."

The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
==========

Laloo and the Japanese delegation

Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."

Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inefficient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
==========

 

[saidevo]

NASA interviews Laloo

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.

Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth. The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my family, he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a Indian politician (Lallu Yadav). When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I'll keep $1 million,
and we'll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars."
==========

Laloo as PM

Laloo becomes PM and goes to Pakistan for a one-on-one with Nawaz Sharif.They decide to meet without aides and are closeted for about 5 minutes. Laloo then emerges from the room.

Reporters clamour for a statement. "Nawaz bhai will make the announcement" is all Laloo will say. Nawaz Sharif comes out and drops a bombshell: Pakistan has decided to give up all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached!

The world is stunned. Laloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years! "How did you do it, what did you promise!", the press clamours.

"All because of the Akai company people", says Laloo. "They give fridge free if you buy TV, cellphone free if you buy VCR... So, I said to Nawaz bhai--'You want Kashmir, right? Take it. But you will get Bihar free with it!'"
==========

Laloo in the old monkey story

A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.

The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same.

An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.

Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Laloo threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said "You think only you have a grandfather?"
==========

Laloo seeks God

Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: "God, When shall I see the defeat of Bush?" God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.

Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: "God, when shall I see the Capture of Kashmir by Pakistan." God replies: "Son, you will not see it in lifetime". Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.

Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see Bihar Becoming a prosperous and happy state?"

Hearing this, God starts crying. Laaloo is astounded and asks: "God, why are you crying?" God replies: "Son, I will not see it in my lifetime."

Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box...

His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?"

To which his son replies,
"Because there's no Baghdad!"

Authors

George Bernard Shaw, famous dramatist, was in his study, wrestling with his thoughts on the latest drama he was writing, when he overheard the conversation of the two servants outside his door.

"Is he busy?", asked one.
"No", was the reply, "only writing."
==========

 

[saidevo]

Business
Marketing Tactics

There were two rival stores in the main street located across each other in a small town in the U.S.One day one of the stores put up a sign:

'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.

'The Cheapest Store in This Town', countered the other.

'... in This Part of the Country'.

'... in This State'.

'... in the USA'.

'... in the Western Hemisphere'.

'... in the World'.

'... in the Universe'.

After a short pause the first store owner simply replaced his sign: 'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.

Smart Car Parking

An Indian walks into a New York City bank and asks to see the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are little puzzled." While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Indian replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks just for 15 bucks?"

**********

 

[ambes]

SARDAR JOKES

1. INTERVIEWER: What is ur Birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Oye ullu ke pathe----Every year

2. Interviewer: Can u spell a word that has more than 50 letters in it?
Sardar: POSTBOX

3. After a foriegn trip Sardar to his wife
Do I look like a foriegner?
Wife: No!!!! Why?
Sardar: In london a lady asked me R U A foreigner?

4. One tourist from USA asked sardar
Any Great man born in this Village?
Sardar: No sir, Only small Babies.

5. Lecturer: Write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
Sardar: "Gandhi was agreat man and Father of the Nation but i don't know who is jayanthi

6.Sardar: My mobile bill How much?
Call centre Girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know the current bill status
Sardar: Stupid , Not CURRENT BILL my Mobile Bill

7. Friend: I got a brand new Ford Ikon for my wife.
Srdar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer

8. Sardar attending an interview in a software Co.
Interviewer: Do U Know MS office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there Sir
9. Teacher: What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA,RAM,GANDHI & Buddha ?
Sardar: All were born on Govt. Holidays

10. Teacher: What is the Diff. between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is Orange but color of apple is not apple

 

[kunjuppu]

ambes,

i think, there was a discussion, and we all agreed, that it is not in good taste to post jokes making fun of other communities.

i think nobody here enjoys jokes made on us, as has been brought out several times.

also, in terms of communities, the sardars are someone whom we can emulate in terms of hardwork and industriousness. let us not make fun of other communities anymore.

thank you.

 

[saidevo]

Medical
Michael DeBakey

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
==========

Washington Brain

A very rich old man was on his deathbed in a hospital. His doctor told him that there was only one thing that could save him: a brain transplant, which was still highly experimental and very expensive.

The old man said that cost was no object and asked the doctor if there were any brains available. The doctor replied that three brains were currently available. The first brain was from a college professor and it cost $10,000.

The patient said that was no problem, but asked about the others. The doctor told him the second one was from a rocket scientist and the cost for it would be $100,000.

The old man said that still it wasn't a problem and figured that he'd just be that much smarter. He then asked the doctor about the last available brain.

The doctor told him it was from a Washington bureaucrat and that the cost for that brain was a half a million dollars. The patient was shocked. He asked the doctor why that brain was so much more expensive.

The medical professional explained, "It's never been used."

 

[g.swaminathan]

after effects

After reading the above jokes & replies it reminds me some of the jokes heard in our Besant Nagar Humour Club

:heh: In a class room a boy was biting the fingers of a girl sitting next to him.. The teacher asked him what was he doing.. The reply came from the boy, No Miss...my mother only told me if you eat lady's fingers your brain power will improve..that is why I am doing like this Miss....

:tsk: A boy was asked to write imposition in English 50 times... but he wrote only 40 times...when the teacher asked why he has written only 40 times instead of 50....The boy replied... I am weak in Maths also Ma'm...

:tsk: In all the days.. the sunday is the strongest day... do u know why....All other days are weak days

 

[saidevo]

Classy insults!

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

*****

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."

*****

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

*****

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

*****

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow

*****

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

*****

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;
I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

*****

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." - Mark Twain

*****

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar
Wilde

*****

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

*****

II feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

*****

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

*****

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -
Irvin S. Cobb

*****

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

*****

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

*****

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

*****

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

*****

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

*****

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

*****

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde

*****

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

*****

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

*****

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.." - Groucho
Marx

*****

 

[sugaz007]

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Galaxy Kholi . May I have your..."


Customer: "Hello, can I order.."


Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"


Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ ..on..... .889861356102049 998-45-54610"


Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 43rd Floor, Akask
View Apt, Cantt Road, ........

Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is

0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"


Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?


Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"


Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."


Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"


Customer: "How come?"


Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and
even higher cholesterol level Sir"


Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"


Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"


Customer: "How do you know for sure?"


Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the
National Library last week Sir"


Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will
that cost?"


Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs
2249.99"


Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"


Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over
the limit and you owe your bank Rs10,720.55 since October last year.

That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."


Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some
cash before your guy arrives"


Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily
limit on machine withdrawal today"


Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long
is it gonna take anyway?"


Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and
collect it on your scooter.. ."


Customer: " What!"


Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Lambretta 1969
Vintage Scooter,...registra tion number USE 8999..."


Customer: " ????"


Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"


Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of
cola as advertised?"


Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
diabetic.... ... "


Customer: **********

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 11th Nov 1986 you were
convicted for using abusive language on a policeman who stopped you for driving
through a one way, in fact you were driving a 1973 Ambassador bearing
registeration number UTD 4267.......


Customer: [Faints]

 

[sunkan]

crazy not stupid

The difference between being CRAZY and STUPID!



One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital.

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.

He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the
bolts into the drain.

As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver
what happened.

The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he
told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple
problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix
it onto this tyre.

Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as
that"

The driver was very impressed and asked

"You're so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"

Patient replied:

"Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

 

[sunkan]

Stop being a glass become a lake

An experienced & wise master grew tired of his apprentice complaining. One morning he sent the apprentice for some salt.

When the apprentice returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and drink it.

"How does it taste?" the master asked.

"Bitter," spit the apprentice.

The master chuckled and then asked the young man to put a handful of Salt in the lake nearby.

The two walked to the nearby lake. After the apprentice swirled his

Handful of salt into the water, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake.."

As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the master asked, "Now How does this taste?"

"Fresh & Sweet" remarked the apprentice.

"Do you taste the salt?" asked the master.

"No," said the young man.

At this, the master sat beside the young man who so reminded him of Himself at one time and held his hands.

He told the young man, "The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less.

The amount of pain in life remains exactly the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in.

So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things . . .

"Stop being a glass. Become a lake."​