Peace of Mind in Family

[sri_ajved]

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Hi Everyone - I see since the past three years, everyone in my family is losing peace and becoming more violent due to which no one is living with peace of mind and losing happiness. Not sure what could be the reason.. Are there any specific mantras or pujas that bring back the peace?

Suggestions will be of great help!

With hope,
Sridharan

 

[drsundaram]

dear Sri Sri_ajved, All said and done with any poojas and prayers there should be basic earnestenss with every one of us to forgive and forget whatever may be the misgivings that prevail amongst us. Even to sit for Poojas and prayers everyone should participate out of a feeling of oneness by which only the effect of poojas and prayers can be realised. What poojas will do unless our mind is not made porous/receptive but is clouded by anger, jealousy,hatred like etc etc. thereby unable to receive the Grace and Blessings. I have full respect in as much as you & any body on Poojs and Prayers and their likely resultant +ve effects but are we not required to make alterations in our attitudes by which almost the work itself is done and Grace to flow. My approach to the problem is this. All the very best.

 

[happyhindu]

Dr Sundaram,

I liked your reply very much.

I also understand from one of your previous posts that you had visited Swami Nityananda.

I too have heard a lot about Swami Nityananda and about the healings he has performed for some individuals i know personally.

The root cause of damage to health and harmony is ofcourse anger. Is there anyway to prevent anger?

Am asking this question in this perspective - lets say someone feels cheated in some matter and his anger is the natural outcome of it. How can he prevent such anger?

Elderly people will tell 'leave it in the hands of god, we cannot change what is already destained', etc, etc - but at the same time there is something called "the self" within us.

Can we cheat that 'self', and be a hypocrite who decries fraud in other religions but turns a blind eye to things within his own religion? And if anger does take root in such an individual, what should he do? Esp if praying brings only very temporary relief.

Thankyou sir.

 

[SuryaKasyapa]

Dear member, Sri_ajved,

The past has gone and a new calandar is opened. Trust firmly that all your uncomfortable past is gone.Now only good things are to come.

Peace of mind is an attitude and reaction. Health,Wealth and immediate family(office,friends) contribute to it in either positive or negative way. Helplessness occurs when we don't have a close person to confide and to alight our burden for a little and relax. This happens inside a family due to communication gap. If the cause is this , at least you can come forward and restore proper communication.Only a little ego may get hurt. But you are getting peace.

If the other two are the reasons, then find remedies for that.

Take things a little less serious( present fears are lesser the horrible imaginations).

Try to confide in a person you trust well. If none like that, mumur to the God you worship. Take a little time to to think and ponder on the problems systematically.If problem is identified, solution is easy.

" Pray to God,Oh Sailor !, But row towards the shore"

Best Wishes and Greetings.

 

[kunjuppu]

i too agree completely with drs' evaluation and suggestions.

just to give a (somewhat distant) analogy: right now where i live, it is miinus 25 degrees (yes minus) outside.

many folks who live here in toronto canada, wish for, and take a brief one or two week vacation to warmer climates in the caribbean.

then, they come back to the bitter cold, and feel the cold doubly bitter.

sri, in your case, as drs suggested, i think, maybe it is best to drive down to the root cause. may be logging on a piece of paper, all the causes of unhappiness and dissensions, is a start.

whichever way you thus introspect, i think, it is a step forward to a solution. if at all, it will atleast relieve you of the denial or 'lost in the woods' mode, and give you better perspective of things.

just a puja, i think, without the benefit of analysis, would be equivalent to those folks here who seek the two week relief in the caribbean. during the puja, you might have hope arising but once it is all over, it may be back to the old grind.

again, i concur with drs' quote, 'I have full respect in as much as you & any body on Poojs and Prayers and their likely resultant +ve effects but are we not required to make alterations in our attitudes by which almost the work itself is done and Grace to flow.' i could not have said it any better.

best wishes.

 

[B.Krishnamurthy]

Sir,
I suggest that you go through good books authored by'SWAMIJI' of PRASANNA TRUST.ORG
bangalore like "O, MIND RELAX!',etc;.It is extremely difficult to control anger and to remain cool all the time.Such books help us to cool down quickly as and when you are provoked
B.Krishnamurthy.

 

[sri_ajved]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the replies.. I agree to all those ones.. but..

Here is what the situation is - I am currently away from the country (living in the US(on temporary visa) with my wife and baby ) and back home, my elder brother (he is the eldest) who is yet to be settled in life with job and marriage is taking care of my mother (my mom and dad dont go well - they are not divorced ) . Now that my elder brother is dejected and frustrated , he has a feeling that his brother has settled in life but he has not .. He is 38 now and is god fearing person with clean habits ..

His horoscope had been casted wrong (the initial horoscope written during his 1 year had wrong position for the lagna ) but we found out in ONLY IN 2006 and corrected.. Since 2006, we have been looking out for a suitable bride but all brides and parents asked only for Professional degree.. he is MBA (Education management), MA(Child care and Education), B Ed .. we even had tried Suyamvaram's but nothing materialised so far.. And to add , no astrologer , we have approached, could find problems with his horoscope..

With the frustration he has, he is blaming his parents (and quarelling - due to which peace is lost ) for his current state.. Regarding his profession, he has been working as a principal in International school in Bangalore but due to some reason, the school asked him to leave last April , since then he is looking out for a similar job in Education but no luck so far..He is also not good at doing any business . and without job, marriage talks cannot happen.

Am really sad to say this.. I could not see the state of my elder brother like this anymore..

I believe the peace will happen when he settles in his life with a job first then marriage.. since he is not happy , its causing ripples in the family ..

I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IF ANYONE COULD HELP HIM OUT FINDING A SUITABLE JOB .. PLS HELP !!

with lots of hope,
Sridharan
[email protected]

 

[amala]

Sri Ajved Sir,

I feel for you sir very much. I can imagine how your brother must feel and the guilt you are feeling that you are having a good life but he is not. Please advise him to be patient and I pray that he gets a good job and settles in his life soon.

Best Wishes

 

[drsundaram]

Dr Sundaram,

I liked your reply very much.

I also understand from one of your previous posts that you had visited Swami Nityananda.

I too have heard a lot about Swami Nityananda and about the healings he has performed for some individuals i know personally.

The root cause of damage to health and harmony is ofcourse anger. Is there anyway to prevent anger?

Am asking this question in this perspective - lets say someone feels cheated in some matter and his anger is the natural outcome of it. How can he prevent such anger?

Elderly people will tell 'leave it in the hands of god, we cannot change what is already destained', etc, etc - but at the same time there is something called "the self" within us.

Can we cheat that 'self', and be a hypocrite who decries fraud in other religions but turns a blind eye to things within his own religion? And if anger does take root in such an individual, what should he do? Esp if praying brings only very temporary relief.

Thankyou sir.

To few who have taken this lead forward kindly: As all know, anger is an emotion and just rushes out unconsciously in the spur of moment like vroooooom. If we pause few seconds and limit ourself from reacting, the outburt is leaving us thus avoiding possible deeper conflicts. Just tell me what is coming out of, reacting in anger, impulsively; only more violent responses.Is there any one who has got a pleasant result out of responding instinctively to an anger situation. By calming down another or silencing is not a solution. That is suppression still more dangerous and not at all desirable. Rather, let us try to stay a cool [very impossible i know, but not impossible] few seconds and and try infusing sense to us/the other politely or postpone reacting. By being aware to the presence we can surely tend to avoid reacting spontaneoulsy to external stimuli. Kind regards and wishes

 

[renuka]

Anger management tips: 10 ways to tame your temper

Controlling your temper isn't always easy. But these effective anger management tips will help give you the upper hand.

By Mayo Clinic staff


Do you find yourself fuming when someone cuts you off in traffic? Does your blood pressure go through the roof when your child won't cooperate? Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion, but learning how to deal with it in a positive way is important.
Uncontrolled anger can make both you and other people feel lousy. If your outbursts, rages or frustrations are negatively affecting relationships with family, friends, co-workers or even complete strangers, it's time to learn some anger management skills. Anger management techniques are a proven way to help change the way you express your anger.
10 tips to help get your anger under control

1. Take a 'timeout.' Although it may seem cliche, counting to 10 before reacting really can defuse your temper.
2. Get some space. Take a break from the person you're angry with until your frustrations subside a bit.
3. Once you're calm, express your anger. It's healthy to express your frustration in a nonconfrontational way. Stewing about it can make the situation worse.
4. Get some exercise. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.
5. Think carefully before you say anything. Otherwise, you're likely to say something you'll regret. It can be helpful to write down what you want to say so that you can stick to the issues. When you're angry, it's easy to get sidetracked.
6. Identify solutions to the situation. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve the issue at hand.
7. Use 'I' statements when describing the problem. This will help you to avoid criticizing or placing blame, which can make the other person angry or resentful — and increase tension. For instance, say, "I'm upset you didn't help with the housework this evening," instead of, "You should have helped with the housework."
8. Don't hold a grudge. If you can forgive the other person, it will help you both. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.
9. Use humor to release tensions. Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don't use sarcasm, though — it's can hurt feelings and make things worse.
10. Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as "Take it easy." Other proven ways to ease anger include listening to music, writing in a journal and doing yoga.

 

[sundaresan.suresh]

A Photo of SOMASKANDAR

Dear friend,

Reasons for disharmony are multi-fold and without going into specifics,one cannot give any valid suggestion.

But one practical step would be to put others interest ahead of your own. Like for example-if the husband plans to visit a temple and the wife wants to go to a movie,compromise and yield to Wife's desires. But this has to be,necessarily,two-way.

Another thing which come to mind is try to obtain a photo/picutre of Lord Somaskandar. Shiva is worshipped in many forms. In the form of Somaskandar,he is worshipped as an ideal house-holder,with his eternal consort Goddess Parvathi, the elder son Ganesha- remover of all obstacles and younger son Karthikeya. It is widely beleived that by keeping a picture of this deity,misunderstanding within the family will be removed.

Regards
Sundaresan Suresh

 

[happyhindu]

To few who have taken this lead forward kindly: As all know, anger is an emotion and just rushes out unconsciously in the spur of moment like vroooooom. If we pause few seconds and limit ourself from reacting, the outburt is leaving us thus avoiding possible deeper conflicts. Just tell me what is coming out of, reacting in anger, impulsively; only more violent responses.Is there any one who has got a pleasant result out of responding instinctively to an anger situation. By calming down another or silencing is not a solution. That is suppression still more dangerous and not at all desirable. Rather, let us try to stay a cool [very impossible i know, but not impossible] few seconds and and try infusing sense to us/the other politely or postpone reacting. By being aware to the presence we can surely tend to avoid reacting spontaneoulsy to external stimuli. Kind regards and wishes

Thankyou very much Dr.Sundaram. However, the anger am talking about is not the impusive one. It comes from a deep conflict of values.

I do understand that supression cannot be the solution. But then neither can anger solve anything.

Thankyou once again for replying.

Regards.

 

[DURGADASAN]

Dear Sundaresan.Suresh

For a clarification, we cannot find ganesha in somaskanda. Only Shiva-Parvathi-Karthikeyan will be there. As you said, the picture of somaskanda is powerful in bringing joyous to the family and also brings unity.

Pranams

 

[kunjuppu]

sridhar,

thank you for sharing your anguish here.

i agree with you that job is the #1 priority here. to the best of my knowledge, the jobs as principal are few and far between in india.

particularly, for a good international or IB or 'public' school. also, there is a lot of politics between the trustees, as my cousin who was a principal for just one year at a top public school found out, and quit, and went back to industry.

the i.t sector appears to have booted again. there are lots of training sections within the large i.t companies, and they would need someone to manage the training agenda, schedules and stuff of that sort. perhaps that is an option worthwhile pursuing, mainly because he has an extensive education background + MBA.

re marriage, he may be better off seeking it himself outside of jadhagam. as you might have noticed, overall there is a dearth of girls vs the number of boys available. he could look at other hindu castes, if he is willing. it is a viable option.

but job comes first, i agree.

best wishes.

 

[sri_ajved]

Dear Sirs,

Thanks much for all the valuable suggestions and ideas.. This brings some hope..

Also regarding my elder brother, how do I register for Matrimony services on Tamilbrahmin. Pls suggest.

Thanks,
Sridharan
[email protected]

 

[sri_ajved]

Dear members,

Well Any suggestions regarding my brother's settling in his life first with job , then marriage - am very much keen and wishing and praying to the Almighty for shedding light -- Any help / suggestions is highly appreciated !

Thanks,
Sridharan

 

[sri_ajved]

Dear members,

Well Any suggestions regarding my brother's settling in his life first with job , then marriage - am very much keen and wishing and praying to the Almighty for shedding light -- Any help / suggestions is highly appreciated !

Thanks,
Sridharan

 

[B.Krishnamurthy]

Sir,
My sister-in law's daughter was working in central school for quite a number of years.When she applied for leave to proceed to USA to be of help during her daughter's pregnancy, the administration refused.her leave.
She was in a dilemma.She was not worried about her retirement benefits. She resigned her job and proceeded to USA.On her return there was an offer from central school. She did not accept the offer as she had to remain away from her family.
There was an advertisement for the post of Principal of an international school in Chennai.She applied and was selected.
But there was one hitch.They were looking for a younger person as she was 50plus..They accommodated her as principal of A Higher Secondary
School in an instituition located in PALLAVARAM.( COULD BE VELS)
She is continuing in the post for the past 4 or 5 years and will be reaching SUPERANNUATION soon.I am writing this as I knew the amount of mental torture undergone by her just before resigning the central school teacher's job after serving for long years till she got another job.
I can only recount what My Boss who was living separately in DELHI and anxious to rejoin his family in CHENNAI did.
HE wrote in BOLD letters in his table" ALL GOOD THINGS TAKE THEIR OWN TIME!.
BELIEVE IN GOD & BE PATIENT"He got his TIME after a year.
In my childhood some elderly member in the family asked me to
recite four stanza sloka just before retiring to bed.The first three stanzas are devoted to LORD SIVA.I am reproducing the fourth one for the benefit of your brother.
ANAITHU UYIR ONRU YENTRU YENNU
ANAIVARUKKUM PASIUI MARTRU
MANATHILULLA BEDA BEDAM,VANJANAI, KALAVU, SOODHU,
SINATHAIUM THAVIRPPAYAGIL SEI THAVAM VERU ONTRUM ILLAI
(SORRY. I am a learner in COMPUTER.So do not know how to write in TAMIL.)
Please ask your brother to recite this as many times as possible.
He will find that either he will not get anger often or even if he gets
he will be able to control it soon.
In my case continuously reciting has increased my tolerance capacity.I will pray for the welfare of your brother.
B.Krishnamurthy

 

[foresight]

Dear Friends,

I am a new comer to this forum and this is the first thread I have seen. I feel really sorry for Sridharan's plight and appreciate Dr.Sunaram's response. Having gone through many trials and travails in my life, I can very much empathize with Sri and many people like him who are going through innumerable troubles over health, family, money, career, property related issues.

In situations like these, well meaning people around would suggest different solutions & remedies such as Pujas, temple visits, vastu and so on. Believe me, most of these things dont work-at best they have placebo effect. Not that I dont believe in Pujas are pilgrimages- I myself go through them often. But if you ask me if they are going to solve any of your problems- clearly they would not. For weak people, they offer psychological support indicating that there could be some external power which would somehow resolve your issues, get your brother married, get jobs, cure illness etc.

The secret, if it could be called that way, is in UNDERSTANDING yourself through self awareness, understand the nature of problems faced by you and other people, develop wisdom to distinguish between the external and internal worlds, strengthen your inner-self over a period of time to view things dispassionately by taking support of scriptures like BG ( esp chapter 2) practice yoga, pranayama and meditation etc. This way the problems per se wont vanish but you will view it with sakshi bhava and an understanding that would make your response much better.

This is easily said than done- it took me many years to achieve some semblance of equanimity. But without trying where can you go? A few years ago I would have laughed if someone suggested these to me and said "sukha dhukke same krutwa labha labhou jaya jahou- thatho yuddaya yuddaisya naivam papa vapyasi". I can now say that I somewhat understand this its context in my day to day life. This awareness makes you realize that there is no one on earth who does not have problems. Your response to it makes it light or heavy. That is all.

To begin with, I will suggest one small thing- what ever you may be doing now, just close your eyes and take deep breaths and observe your breathing-in & out, in & out, in & out.. say for 5 mts. Dont try to meditate, or avoid thoughts, worry about whats happening to you. It is that simple. You will find your mind in a better state. Try this as often as you can. slowly and steadily you will develop an interest towards the inner world which is much bigger than that outside you. Then on we can proceed further in this path in course of time.

Moved by Sri's plight, I started writing this extempore. have to sign off now but hopefully catch up with you shortly. In the meawhile do let me know if you tried the aforesaid breathing technique. Hope this helps.

Wish you good times,

with luv
Raghavan Krishnan

 

[drsundaram]

Dear Friends,

I am a new comer to this forum and this is the first thread I have seen. I feel really sorry for Sridharan's plight and appreciate Dr.Sunaram's response. Having gone through many trials and travails in my life, I can very much empathize with Sri and many people like him who are going through innumerable troubles over health, family, money, career, property related issues.

In situations like these, well meaning people around would suggest different solutions & remedies such as Pujas, temple visits, vastu and so on. Believe me, most of these things dont work-at best they have placebo effect. Not that I dont believe in Pujas are pilgrimages- I myself go through them often. But if you ask me if they are going to solve any of your problems- clearly they would not. For weak people, they offer psychological support indicating that there could be some external power which would somehow resolve your issues, get your brother married, get jobs, cure illness etc.

The secret, if it could be called that way, is in UNDERSTANDING yourself through self awareness, understand the nature of problems faced by you and other people, develop wisdom to distinguish between the external and internal worlds, strengthen your inner-self over a period of time to view things dispassionately by taking support of scriptures like BG ( esp chapter 2) practice yoga, pranayama and meditation etc. This way the problems per se wont vanish but you will view it with sakshi bhava and an understanding that would make your response much better.

This is easily said than done- it took me many years to achieve some semblance of equanimity. But without trying where can you go? A few years ago I would have laughed if someone suggested these to me and said "sukha dhukke same krutwa labha labhou jaya jahou- thatho yuddaya yuddaisya naivam papa vapyasi". I can now say that I somewhat understand this its context in my day to day life. This awareness makes you realize that there is no one on earth who does not have problems. Your response to it makes it light or heavy. That is all.

To begin with, I will suggest one small thing- what ever you may be doing now, just close your eyes and take deep breaths and observe your breathing-in & out, in & out, in & out.. say for 5 mts. Dont try to meditate, or avoid thoughts, worry about whats happening to you. It is that simple. You will find your mind in a better state. Try this as often as you can. slowly and steadily you will develop an interest towards the inner world which is much bigger than that outside you. Then on we can proceed further in this path in course of time.

Moved by Sri's plight, I started writing this extempore. have to sign off now but hopefully catch up with you shortly. In the meawhile do let me know if you tried the aforesaid breathing technique. Hope this helps.

Wish you good times,

with luv
Raghavan Krishnan

Sri Raghavan Krishnan,
it requires tremendous courage & wisdom for a person who is in misery to exactly feel and arrive at the right way you have arrived. I dont know how old are you and what you do. In my opinion that is the first step one should boldly take up. By being open to the existence without any mental conditioning , looking ahead life, breathe in and out only positiveness, readily accepting [without resisiting] to whatever the "presence" offers all this though easily said and than done that is what one can do>>>> all this not out of frustration, desperation but out of deep prayers, endurance with quietitude & a positive outlook .
All the best.

 

[kunjuppu]

foresight,

welcome to the forum. thank you for a very enlightening post. i can apply your suggestions for myself, and will do so.

pray continue to be with us, and much as we would benefit from your appreciation of life, hopefully, there will be something here for you too.

thank you.