Personality development programs for children and adolescents in India

[JR]

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With more and more job opportunities in diverse fields these days, those with excellent communication skills really prosper. Even in conventional fields, those who rise up to the management levels would be definitely those that have solid interpersonal skills. In children, shyness and lack of confidence are somethings that can be largely overcome when identified properly and given due exposure to master anxiety and shyness causing situations by professionals trained in the field of psychiatry and psychology.

My friend offers one such program. She is the founder of the company 'Ripples Infinite' in Chennai which offers personality development programs to children and adolescents.

If you are aware of other such programs please add.

Question:

Have you ever been a shy person and did you overcome it?

 

[renuka]

Question:

Have you ever been a shy person and did you overcome it?

Dear JR,

When I was kid I used to have a stutter (stammer) when I spoke...It was not that bad but if I was not comfortable with a person I would start to stutter.

I used to stutter some 10% of the time and many would make fun of me in school but I never let anything get to me.

But my stutter made me a little scared of public speaking but since I was good student I was always chosen for school debates so I had to face my fears.

I developed a way of taking short pauses while speaking and use words like "well I mean..you know etc" to cover up the stutter.

As I went into my 20's my stutter stopped partly cos I was no more conscious of myself.

I did not really care what people thought of how I spoke...and somehow that helped and my stuttering stopped.

Coming to shyness.. I somehow have never felt shy in my life..that is one trait I never had.Even on my marriage day I was not a bit shy and did not walk with my head down.My sister in law kept telling me to walk with my head down and I told her I cant do that cos that I have never walked like that in my life.

In school I had many times danced solo on stage..sang solo on stage...In college I had sung bhajans in a temple in India and never felt even a bit of shyness.I also took part in solo events in sports and did not like group events.

When I was young I somehow disliked meeting guests who came to the house and my parents used to think I was shy but I was not shy..its just that I did not like meeting new people.

I only liked very few people.My mum says that I was one real moody child who never liked people as a kid.

 

[JR]

Interesting experiences, Renuka!

I am a shy (very much) person. My hubby is an outgoing type. My son is after my hubby and he is quite bold and can and has spoken in front of a big audience. He was the school Chairman for a Honors Society and has given many speeches in front of large gatherings.

Whereas my daughter I think is partially after me. She used to be very shy as a 5 - 7 yr old. But she is a big sports enthusiast and has been in various sports activities and doing very well at them. Owing to that teamwork, I guess, she is somewhat 'coming out' these days... I have enrolled her in a drama in her Sunday Indian school and even that teacher told me that she is noticing my daughter to be emerging shyness-free these days... I hope the trend continues as shyness can be very bothersome.

 

[renuka]

Dear JR,

I feel each one of us develops our own personality eventually..and we keep changing.As a kid I was kind of moody and did not like meeting people.

But when I was in college I was a party animal..I never missed college dance parties and I love to dance all night long with my friends.

Then we used to bribe the hostel watchman to get in hostel after midnight!LOL

I was very active in college but as I grew older I started to dislike meeting people cos my job has too much human contact and after work I prefer just to be at home.

On weekends like Sundays I can just sit in my house the whole day and not even take a look outside the window.

I really need the 'alone" time as I am getting older. I even take holidays alone..for the past 4 years I have been traveling to India totally alone cos I want to be myself...that is not play the role of a mother or wife or daughter or sister or doctor.. I just want some 'alone' time.
If I travel with family I cant be myself..I have to play multiple roles. But I am not all the selfish cos I do take holidays with family at different times of the year but everyone understands I need my personal space.

I do not attend social functions these days and totally dislike crowd at weddings.

Even for my 2nd cousins wedding recently I did not turn up cos I totally cant stand crowd these days.

So finally I think we keep changing our likes and dislikes thru out our life.

So a shy person today might be an extrovert tomorrow and an extrovert today might be a total recluse tomorrow.

So the best is do not try to hard to change our kids..let them develop at their own pace cos each one of us is unique.

Being shy is not really a drawback..its just a personal preference which could even be a phase.

I have never been shy in my life but at present I am only active online..in real life I prefer very less interaction. There are days where I just can totally off my telephone and just want to be left alone.

 

[krish44]

all above posts are interesting.

an interesting question.

why men are expected to be communicating through words more?

often men of few words are not considered normal and are such types are shunned by others

dismissed off as serious types or those behaving like shy girls.

I had a colleague in office who used to be shy and withdrawn.many would not go near him and

transact with him though he was an excellent human being

 

[JR]

So a shy person today might be an extrovert tomorrow and an extrovert today might be a total recluse tomorrow.

So the best is do not try to hard to change our kids..let them develop at their own pace cos each one of us is unique.

Being shy is not really a drawback..its just a personal preference which could even be a phase.

Dear Renuka,

You amuse me - Human Potential Development is so hot all over the world these days!! So many psychiatrists, educationalists and psychologists are involved in this!! Humans learn so much during childhood and adolescence that it becomes imperative for the parent to give them selective and quality exposure to situations. Such helpful and thoughtful assistance and intervention from trained people at the right time is like giving the shy child another helpful arm! No one should overlook the positive outcomes from such intervention methods and afterall, nobody is forcing anything on the child - such programs are developed by top-notch psychiatrists of the world!

Shyness can be a debilitating handicap and I can never agree that a shy person can become 'extrovert' overnight or after a phase because it either means i) the person was never shy in the first place ii) The person was given positive and encouraging exposure during childhood and adolescence. I am a shy person and I know, for a fact, that shyness cannot be 'outgrown'. Due to family circumstances when young, I had minimal exposure to outsiders apart from my small circle of immediate family members and was never a participant at school sports or events and such things added and contributed further to my shyness and introvertedness. At employment situations, it is not the shy person who shines and rises quickly up the corporate ladder but the extrovert who can have great rapport with everyone in the company and the team, including his boss. This is the reason I resorted to consulting because it paid me well without me needing to have 'rapport' or 'bonding' with anyone on the job because those are 2 things impossible for me to do.

Nobody is changing anything with the child. Encouraging them to participate in events and plays to enhance their social exposure is not the same as forcing them. To a certain extent, encouraging them towards all possible outlets for social interaction is a must for proper and adequate development of children emotionally and socially.

Atleast these are my views! Maybe I'll talk to my friend to learn more on what she says...

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

You amuse me - Human Potential Development is so hot all over the world these days!! So many psychiatrists, educationalists and psychologists are involved in this!! Humans learn so much during childhood and adolescence that it becomes imperative for the parent to give them selective and quality exposure to situations. Such helpful and thoughtful assistance and intervention from trained people at the right time is like giving the shy child another helpful arm! No one should overlook the positive outcomes from such intervention methods and afterall, nobody is forcing anything on the child - such programs are developed by top-notch psychiatrists of the world!

Dear JR,

I am very "conservative" in approach when it comes to the human mind.

These days we see people going crazy as to start teaching the babies in utero and they buy music CD and put earphone speakers on their abdomen to "teach"kids while they are inside the uterus!

No doubt even according to Mahabharat Abhimanyu partially heard about the Chakra Vyuh but it was not thru speakers placed on the abdomen of his mum.

Nature did not intend us humans to place speakers on the abdomen of a mother to transmit sound waves. We have no idea if the frequency might actually cause micro changes in the thinking of the child.

So I still believe in leaving somethings to nature.

Actively changing anything is not really safe in my opinion.

Yes I do agree with you that many top notch psychiatrists and psychologist do recommend some intervention but again everything is business these days.

When I see that how much the normal levels of cholesterol has changed these days..that is what used to be normal before and no one died from it is considered not normal anymore.

Then it hits you that "do the pharmaceutical companies have vested interest here to even call normal as abnormal to gain more profit?"

Previously we were made to believe that coconut oil is not good for the heart but actually studies have proved that it has medium chain fatty acids which is actually cardio protective

The reason was becos a country that wanted to market soya oil has started a propaganda that coconut oil is bad for the heart.

So I would never 100% believe in scientific finding becos mostly there could be vested economic interest.

So coming to the human mind..if it aint broken..no need to fix it.

 

[renuka]

Many a times we have read true stories about shy village girls that come to town and make it big in the film industry by chance.

Some have even become models and have learnt the tricks of the trade.

People do change when exposure changes.

I do not really feel that one needs to be an extrovert to succeed in life..one just needs to know when to do what.

For those who dislike human contact they can choose jobs that are more technical sans human contacts..such people usually excel in a quiet environment.

 

[renuka]

. This is the reason I resorted to consulting because it paid me well without me needing to have 'rapport' or 'bonding' with anyone on the job because those are 2 things impossible for me to do.

dear JR,

You are wise..you made a right choice cos you know your preferences. One of the reasons I chose to be a GP and run my own practice is becos I am self employed and do not have to build rapport with any boss or co-doctor.
There are many people who do not like that much human contact and work well in a solo environment.

Not all are Lions that live with a pride..some are Lone Rangers like a Tiger.

So JR..it seems that you and I do have something in common..we are both Tigers! Grrrrrr!

 

[renuka]

There was a TV reality show called Fit for Fashion where contestants were made to work out like hell to get fit for the fashion industry.

There was one contestant a from Malaysia an Indian guy... I liked how he used to compete.

He was always a gentleman..competitive in his own way without being overtly aggressive.

He also was balanced in his approach and treated fellow contestants with respect and never found fault with anyone.

He only seemed to focus on the good points of everyone ignoring their bad qualities.

Sadly he did not make it to the finals becos the judges thought that he was not competitive enough.

But even then when he left the show he said that he does not believe in competing in an aggressive manner.He said he preferred the non-violent holistic approach even in a competition.

I somehow feel reality shows portray the wrong image of competitiveness..in fact these shows encourage contestants to eliminate their rivals by placing them in unfair situations.

Being on top does not need to mean getting rid of our rivals....by eliminating a rival we are always only 2nd best like how Arjuna was 2nd best when compared to Ekalavya.

 

[Jaykay767]

First off, we need to understand why some kids are shy & lack in confidence?, this is also a problem more with us Brahmins than the other communities!

My view is –

Kids exposed to the following are very susceptible to develop social phobias which may last for years & for some, it can continue even in adult life!

1. Kids exposed to traumatic events
2. Kids exposed to multiple smaller fearful events during their childhood
3. Kids exposed to parents talking in fearful tones.. for eg, financial crisis, or some work crisis, etc…
4. Kids exposed to school bullying, school fights, roadside brawls, etc…
5. Kids exposed to “scary events” on TV. Some kids love the fights on TV, but some are scared by it.
6. Parenting style – some parents keep inducing fear to control their kids. While this is necessary, there is a fine line between reasonable & overdoing it.
7. Some parents keep putting their kids down, & themselves keep saying – they are no good etc..
8. Kids exposed to constant fighting rows between Parents that goes on for weeks & months, divorce, etc…
9. Kids faced with such issues often keep thinking & replaying this in their mind. Sometime they cry, & indulge in selfpity etc.. All these will only make them mentally weak.. and unable to face life confidently.
10. Lastly & most importantly, Kids observe their parents & learn from them. So if the parents are themselves weak, & fear about everything, then the kids will become just like them…

So how do we overcome this ?

First off – a note of caution –
· As the King of Ithaca tells Achilles – fear is very useful… Some fear is a must & useful – it will keep the kids safe for a life time.
· If kids are fearless, they will get into brawls, fights & get into trouble with the law or worse..

Having said this –

1. Kids must be provided with a stable & calm environment specially during childhood
2. Kids must be encouraged regularly to mingle with people, be comfortable in social environments, etc..
3. When kids face traumatic events, fearful events must be provided a lot of support. They will recover if parents stand next & support them.
4. Call all the kids friends & their parents home, facilitate them mixing with each other.
5. Involve them in social events, slowly the fear will disappear.
6. Send them to boarding schools – kids will quickly learn to overcome fear & become independent.
7. In extreme cases, send them to your relative houses & ask them to stay there for a few months. Change of environment,change of school, etc.. will quickly put the bad events out of the mind, &the kids will become more confident.
8. Take advantage of all these coaching class, psychiatrists, etc. that make the kids more confident etc…
9. In short, parents should hand hold their kids & slowing walk them out of the social phobias, shyness etc..
10. In time, they will start flying on their own without any fear or worry.
11. Do not ever forget to inculcate the quintessential TB conservativeness – Keep them rooted in religion, traditions, culture, God will punish if they do wrong things!!, karma theory, etc…
12. Tell them in a fight, one will always lose –even if you win the fight, you will lose a friend & gain an enemy for life etc…

This is why in ancient times, kids are sent to Gurukkals very early in life, say 5 yrs or less, these kids come up in a very strong, strict environment, ensuring a very strong foundation which otherwise may not be possible in their homes. !!

 

[renuka]

Dear Jaykay,

Even though I do not agree with you that Jesus =Krishna or Sanskrit is Dravidian..but the post you wrote is simply fantastic and would hold good or a TB or Non TB too.

BTW have you found out who was Panini and did he like Linguine?LOL

 

[Jaykay767]

Hi Renuka - wow, finally we agree on something !!. It is going to rain for sure today !!. LOL ! Panini is still under my scanner, so work in progress. will let you all know in time

 

[renuka]

Hi Renuka - wow, finally we agree on something !!. It is going to rain for sure today !!. LOL ! Panini is still under my scanner, so work in progress. will let you all know in time

yes...finally we agree...its time to celebrate!LOL

 

[JR]

Dear JayKay ji,

Wow! What a fantastic listing down of all great points! All good ones indeed.

I especially agree with you on sending children away to relatives' homes (like own sister - Chitthi, grandparent where other grandchildren would come, etc)... this would definitely give them a lot of exposure to wider perspectives without pressure of being in an environment filled with strangers.

Also, as you too reiterated, programs such as the one offered in 'Ripples Infinite' are really good for the growing child and adolescent to gain confidence. I believe they give exposure to children in talking in public, which becomes a key factor in many professions.

Thanks for the pointers.

 

[JR]

Actively changing anything is not really safe in my opinion.

We are not changing anything... the right terms would be 'exposure to positive circumstances'. As I have dealt with psychology in both my Bachelors and Masters Degrees, I have read pointers on the topic. Extroversion and people skills are dormant in every human being - it is a form of intelligence. By selective and qualitative exposure of a shy child to positive events gradually and continuously, we are bringing out what is dormant to the forefront -- without compromising anything else!

 

[JR]

all above posts are interesting.

an interesting question.

why men are expected to be communicating through words more?

often men of few words are not considered normal and are such types are shunned by others

dismissed off as serious types or those behaving like shy girls.

I had a colleague in office who used to be shy and withdrawn.many would not go near him and

transact with him though he was an excellent human being

Ofcourse, this is the main disadvantage I face each and every day of my life... how to find friends being a shy introvert? I can only seem to find friends in fora like this because I do not have to be shy to write down to faceless audience. But coming to real life, all people expect are 'good times' - of jokes, gossip, larger gatherings and sheer fun! A shy introvert can offer none of these things and thus, he/she is always 'out of the group'.

 

[renuka]

Ofcourse, this is the main disadvantage I face each and every day of my life... how to find friends being a shy introvert? I can only seem to find friends in fora like this because I do not have to be shy to write down to faceless audience. But coming to real life, all people expect are 'good times' - of jokes, gossip, larger gatherings and sheer fun! A shy introvert can offer none of these things and thus, he/she is always 'out of the group'.

dear JR,

I wonder why you feel that you being an introvert is a disadvantage.

Do you know that none of my friends from college even know where I live?

All my friends are just on phone contact or online contact..I have never even had a function in my house and never called relatives too cos I like my private space.

When I attend conferences I seldom mix about as much cos its hard to find someone I can truly get along with.

Do you know at times at a conference dinner table some participants do not even talk to you cos they have their own group.

I dont care feeling left out cos I myself do not like to be part of groups and usually I have quick meal and bring a book to read to kill time before the next lecture.

Online I am very active in forum cos I like the topics discussed here.

So each one of us are unique and a introvert does not mean one is unwanted and not part of the group.

I have been to conferences where not even one person spoke to me and yet I did not feel left out.

So dont feel left out..do you really fancy being part of any group?

 

[JR]

So dont feel left out..do you really fancy being part of any group?

Oh yes! I wish I belonged to a group of say 3 or 4 people... then you can have gatherings, potlucks, gossips (just kidding), with kids running around, playing with each other, someone to answer you when you need help, knowledge sharing, etc...

Is it wrong?

 

[Jaykay767]

JR ji - you are most welcome !.

Well, I am over the moon with both Renuka JI & JR JI agreeing with my posts!! LOL !

Coming back to earth!

Friendships outside of marriage are critically important! They are your support group, you can talk to them anything, share your problems, & they are great as stress busters.

Infact by moving from joint families to smaller units, people are more socially isolated,leading to more stress, health issues etc.. Our earlier generations had a huge support group, so many of them lived all the way into the 80s, 90s, etc...

So our longetivity is linked to having strong friends, a very good social network. So being in a strong friend network will help you to weather any crisis in life!!

 

[JR]

Dear JayKay Sir,

I most likely agree with any reasonable post even if it of different view. But the only times I disagree is when very strong words are used against something, for example in the divorce thread, you mentioned Westerners as 'animals' (!!), don't you think it is way too strong a word? Nevertheless, in your other posts on topics such as Hindu and Greek/Western gods, origin of languages, etc, even though I tend to disagree that no clear-cut origin and evolution can be ever arrived at to formulate some thesis and conclusion on them, still you don't use strong words against anything, and I agree with you on them!

Also, JayKay ji, the above mentioned reasoning has got me wondering many times about your academic credentials. Are you by any chance, a research professor in an academic facility?

 

[Jaykay767]

JR Ji – Agree, some of the words used are strong, no doubt. But for the record, I did not use the word animals first. Another member used the word animals to mock the Indians, so I gave it back.

If you see any of my posts, I would never have started using the slang words, it will normally be a response.

Coming to your queries, no I am not a history professor,but it has been my passion outside of work for a very long time starting in my school/college years. So I have extensively studied Indian & world history over decades, have also travelled in the south east/China, US, Europe, Middle east.

So most of my travels are all related to history research!

 

[Jaykay767]

JR JI - Also there have been many legacy Indians vs NRI fights with a lot of ruffled feathers, lot of people on both sides warrring !! LOL !. so you have come in & stepped in to a land mine for no fault of yours !

 

[JR]

JR Ji – Agree, some of the words used are strong, no doubt. But for the record, I did not use the word animals first. Another member used the word animals to mock the Indians, so I gave it back.

If you see any of my posts, I would never have started using the slang words, it will normally be a response.

Coming to your queries, no I am not a history professor,but it has been my passion outside of work for a very long time starting in my school/college years. So I have extensively studied Indian & world history over decades, have also travelled in the south east/China, US, Europe, Middle east.

So most of my travels are all related to history research!

Oh, wow! Good to know, Sir!

 

[renuka]

Oh yes! I wish I belonged to a group of say 3 or 4 people... then you can have gatherings, potlucks, gossips (just kidding), with kids running around, playing with each other, someone to answer you when you need help, knowledge sharing, etc...

Is it wrong?

Dear JR,

There is nothing wrong provided we are comfortable with a group of 3 or 4.

For me its like this...I only keep phone contact with just 3-4 friends..one is my best friend since childhood.I have known him since I was 8 years old....he is a dermatologist and aesthetic surgeon..both of us phone each other on and off to discuss work and to share latest news.

My other friends are also docs and we call each other to discuss cases etc.
On a personal basis we do not really get too personal and dont discuss about our kids unless its pertaining to their health. I have never visited my friend's home and neither they have visited mine.

Coming to pot luck parties etc..I do not attend all these cos it does not interest me..that is if I attend a gathering that means I would have to play host one day!

I do not like the idea of having a gathering in my house..so I do not attend parties too.

Also when too many females get together..all they keep doing is either gossip or some idle talk or talk about kids and their family or something domestic. Very few like to have a varied conversation.

My conversations can swing from religion/philosophy and right up to something outrageous ..so far only one person who was my college mate can converse with me like how I like it.But since he lives in India..we skype with each other from time to time.Also he is the only person I know who can also speak Sanskrit fairly well so we practice speaking Sanskrit on skype.

So thats about it...I value my personal space and do not really like any gathering.

So technically I am an "Introvert" at present..but in the future I dont know..I might turn extrovert again!LOL