Shraddam vs Daanam.

[IPS]

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Dear Friends,

I am the youngest daughter in law in a family of 3 sons. We have our Father-in-law's first shraddham due very soon. I have no plans to attend it due to family politics. I feel people dont undertand the meaning of been brahimn but just perform rituals as a show of money and power. I need advise from my virtual friends here who will guide me in this matter.

I know doing the sharaddham without dharma patni has got lesser effects...but what is the use of me going half minded.

People are telling me my children( i have got 2 girls) will face consequences if i fail in my duties...
Is duty only been good one day in the year..and not performing any other religious karmas throughout the year.

I feel i can cook for people and give it as a danam- even kesari as a sweet to 50-100 people....will it help me a bit if i dont attend the annual shraddam. Or should i let go all my ego and inhibitons and pay homage to my late father in law.

What should my karma be here? Experts give advise to this novice seeking your suggestions.

IPS.

 

[sravna]

Dear Friends,

I am the youngest daughter in law in a family of 3 sons. We have our Father-in-law's first shraddham due very soon. I have no plans to attend it due to family politics. I feel people dont undertand the meaning of been brahimn but just perform rituals as a show of money and power. I need advise from my virtual friends here who will guide me in this matter.

I know doing the sharaddham without dharma patni has got lesser effects...but what is the use of me going half minded.

People are telling me my children( i have got 2 girls) will face consequences if i fail in my duties...
Is duty only been good one day in the year..and not performing any other religious karmas throughout the year.

I feel i can cook for people and give it as a danam- even kesari as a sweet to 50-100 people....will it help me a bit if i dont attend the annual shraddam. Or should i let go all my ego and inhibitons and pay homage to my late father in law.

What should my karma be here? Experts give advise to this novice seeking your suggestions.

IPS.

IPS Ji,

I am as much a novice as you are in the shastras. But if you can give up your ego as you say, I personally think you are creating the effect of countless good deeds. It is good you are even thinking on those lines.

 

[kunjuppu]

dear IPS,

a very good query. i dont feel wise or smart enough to advice you. but i can narrate to you what i did, for i too was in a similar positon about 11 years ago.

dad passed away 1988, and mom 1999. so in 2000 i decided to go to kasi and gaya to do the obsequies once and for all, as advised by a dear aunt. i live in canada, and only son. i have a sister.

to me, the parental based ceremonies were a personal thing, a statement of all that i felt towards them. i did not expect my wife to feel the same. but my sister, had the same feelings for them. so we went and did the ceremonies. basically i performed the prayers, but she was with me, moral support and crying and helping out. i remember one particular ceremony, where we were in a boat in the ganges, and had mulitple pindams to make fresh (boil water, make rice, the balls, then throw this away, make it again - 3 or 4 times i think) where sis felt useful and also enjoyed the ambience of being with me for our parents. the missus would never have related to all this in the same way. ...

when it comes to death and death related ceremonies, there is an huge issue of faith. my mother did not believe in anything, and did not even want anything beyond a cremation. whereas my aunt, her sister, is just the opposite. i took my aunt's suggestion and did the kiriyais in kasi/gaya.

now in your case, i presume your husband will be there. afaik it is the eldest brother who does the stuff, and the other male siblings in a support role. the female siblings have no role. it might be more (again) of family gauravam, that you stand next to your husband, as without you, he is open to snarks and snides, which considering that this is death related, i am not sure how he will take it. it might come to backfire on you or it might not.

re what srvana says, it moves on to a different plane altogether. if you have strong feelings about the consequences of your actions, on probable ill acts happening to your progeny in the future, and able to connect your direct absence here, to some specific sorrow or illness in the future, then you might as well insure yourself against such a calamitous feeling. grit your teeth, smile and put on a front. though, i would wonder, if just the physical presence, without the accompanying sense of reverence or goodwill, is worth the agony? or whether this would be enough to ward off some future bad things?

and finally the most important question: what does hubby think about all this? ultimately you will have to live with him, and it is nice to keep him happy?

best wishes

 

[sangom]

Smt. IPS,

Since you are the youngest dil, your presence in the ceremony will be mostly ornamental. If the "family politics" has something to do with you and your deceased fil, I will say you should explain it to your husband and refrain from attending the ceremony unless he insists and this one action is likely to create a permanent fissure in the relationship between the two of you. If your rift has nothing to do with the old man, I will say you should try to attend the ceremony; it may be very bitter now to do so but when, in your old age, you look back you will find that all these ego clashes to be silly.

Your not attending this ceremony will not, imo, adversely affect the future of any of you, including your daughters.

 

[IPS]

Dear Sravana,

Ego- Yes, this small word creating big problems in so many peoples' lives.......... I learnt to throw off it after reading Narayaneeyam and getting some glimpses of Gita.

But it does show its bad head somewhere..........and i try to remember what magnificinet form Krishna is and he has been humiliated so many times.............what am I in this world...nothing in fact in front of the Lord...

I have lots to learn and practice...now think whatever i learnt in schools and colleges are mere waste.

Please do address me as IPS and not IPS ji...i dont deserve to be called ji and all. I stands for Iyer, P for my name and S for Husband name.

Thanking you,
IPS.

 

[renuka]

Dear Friends,

I am the youngest daughter in law in a family of 3 sons. We have our Father-in-law's first shraddham due very soon. I have no plans to attend it due to family politics. I feel people dont undertand the meaning of been brahimn but just perform rituals as a show of money and power. I need advise from my virtual friends here who will guide me in this matter.

I know doing the sharaddham without dharma patni has got lesser effects...but what is the use of me going half minded.

People are telling me my children( i have got 2 girls) will face consequences if i fail in my duties...
Is duty only been good one day in the year..and not performing any other religious karmas throughout the year.

I feel i can cook for people and give it as a danam- even kesari as a sweet to 50-100 people....will it help me a bit if i dont attend the annual shraddam. Or should i let go all my ego and inhibitons and pay homage to my late father in law.

What should my karma be here? Experts give advise to this novice seeking your suggestions.

IPS.

Let me share with you my thoughts since I had faced a similar situation..all this politics are seen in many homes.
Just do your duty.Even I was in a divided situation once like you but I thought politics are only for the living.I am the eldest and only Daughter In Law.
Just forget that for that moment and think of the departed person's well being.

I dont think any harm will be fall anyone as a direct consequence but running away from duty in this life we will only face the same situation in another birth.
So just go for it after all father in law is also like a parent to us.

So girl believe me just go for it and be a good girl.
I too did what I had to do and I came back singing "Karmanyevaadhi karaste maa phaleshu kadacana" in my mind.

Think of the departed soul and his happiness and once the Shraddha is over you can 'screw'(get back) those living ones who are giving you trouble!!! LOL

 

[IPS]

Dear Kunjuppu,

Well, i understand that the loss of parents cannot be compared with anything in the world. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Thank you for your assurances.

Yes, i did have a detailed discussion with husband...and he also has agreed to it. People can never speak good things done by anyone ..but are ready to comment upon the mistakes of others.I really want to keep myself out of gossip, family dramas etc and be in the line of doing good and thinking good. I believe only God is the Judge and not relatives .
I feel bad when people who speak bad, gossip, tease others...take pride in donating thousands to temples. Is this what god wants or just some simple prayers and a pure mind?

IPS.

 

[sravna]

Dear Sravana,

Ego- Yes, this small word creating big problems in so many peoples' lives.......... I learnt to throw off it after reading Narayaneeyam and getting some glimpses of Gita.

But it does show its bad head somewhere..........and i try to remember what magnificinet form Krishna is and he has been humiliated so many times.............what am I in this world...nothing in fact in front of the Lord...

I have lots to learn and practice...now think whatever i learnt in schools and colleges are mere waste.

Please do address me as IPS and not IPS ji...i dont deserve to be called ji and all. I stands for Iyer, P for my name and S for Husband name.

Thanking you,
IPS.

Dear IPS,

In my view the awareness that ego is bad is the most critical step. When one of the greatest of souls Viswamitra struggled to give up his ego, it shows we do not have to be disheartened if the effort is not easy. We are destined to succeed eventually.

 

[renuka]

Dear IPS,

You wrote :

I stands for Iyer, P for my name and S for Husband name.

I like your IPS..reminds me of the Movie Iyer IPS!!!

 

[IPS]

Dear Sangom,

That was like talking to an old friend.

Sorry, i may sound very confusing.......i always feel our duty should be given first preference...hence i posted my query here.
I did not know whether i should be attending it since my heart says keep away from more fights going to happen or i should do my duty of an obedient wife by following my husband.By god's grace it will not create rifts between us.

Let me hope that i get the strength to do the right thing.


IPS.

 

[IPS]

Dear Renuka,

Thankyou for been like the CO(Commanding Officer) and guiding me properly. Yes, i also feel duty should not be left behind.But due to ignorance and fear of rejection tried to get an answer here by posting it here.

Actually my elder co-sis has warned us all not to enter the home.....i.e my second co- sis family and our's as we were the whistle blower to some of the mistakes done by elder bro-in law and she during our father in law's treatment.Now it backfired on us and elder bro- in law says he does not want any of us near him. So i had felt very insulted and thought of not attending the function.....as relations are still sour.

Husband says fights are normal....but i think we should expect mistakes rather than denying them.

IPS

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

Thankyou for been like the CO(Commanding Officer) and guiding me properly. Yes, i also feel duty should not be left behind.But due to ignorance and fear of rejection tried to get an answer here by posting it here.

Actually my elder co-sis has warned us all not to enter the home.....i.e my second co- sis family and our's as we were the whistle blower to some of the mistakes done by elder bro-in law and she during our father in law's treatment.Now it backfired on us and elder bro- in law says he does not want any of us near him. So i had felt very insulted and thought of not attending the function.....as relations are still sour.

Husband says fights are normal....but i think we should expect mistakes rather than denying them.

IPS

Dear IPS,

Believe me Blood is thicker than water.Husbands will just say its Ok but deep down inside a man will think differently.
We woman are more open that way..we voice our dissatisfaction openly cos we treat husband as our co partners in life but I have realized that the male brain thinks very differently.

All this fights as I said is common.At least they are fighting and you know who is what inside but sometimes some smile sweetly and stab you in back.

I have come to realize that life is too short to actually bother for all these differences.Now I give two F's to anyone and just be happy with my life

Its not worth retaliating to anyone..its just waste of energy.I rather read a book.
You know we actually cant really correct anyone or even correct ourselves cos most of us get worse as we grow older but we all learn to conceal it well.

You know when we have unresolved things in life and we never solve it in this birth we will be come back to face the same situation again.
So just face what we have been destined to face in an indifferent way thats all..

 

[sadasivam.sridharan]

As per Hindu Dharma sastra,pithtru karyam is to be performed by all the sons of
the departed person if they live in the same place or town.If they live in different
places the sons have to perform the sharadam individually irrespective of whether
one is younger or elder.The shraddam is considered to be complete if the wife also partakes in the rituals by way of cooking or doing her namaskaram to the pinda
Pradhanam provided, of course she is physically,physiologically fit for the same.
Conforming to the dictates of sastra depends on various factors such as individual's belief,conviction,circumstances,convenience etc.

 

[prasad1]

I like renukakarthikayan's and Sangom's advice. IPS just for family peace go for the show. You can have any number of legitimate reasons not to attend, but it is your ego that is stopping you from going. If you swallow your pride you know you should go.

In any family it is women who keeps the relationship, you can make it or break it.

 

[Haridasa Siva]

Dear IPS (I feel like addressing an IPS officer!),

Your first post is a reflection of what happens in many families. I am also the 3rd (and last) son and I also do not have parents and I also live away from my two brothers, who are in India. Some of the situations you have narrated are there in our family too.

We perform annual ceremony here in South Africa to the best of our ability considering practical circumstances. I was earlier calling my eldest brother on ceremony day and I have stopped it now. During one of our visits to India, we performed shraardham on the banks of Ganges and we videotaped it. We play that on ceremony day and I perform the ritual supported by my wife's cooking. My performing ceremony is more like remembering my parents and 'thanksgiving' for having brought me up. I do not think of what I or my children would gain by doing it or lose by not doing it. This is what I picked up from http://www.dinakaran.com/Books_detail_2011.asp?Nid=256:

நீங்கள் நீத்தார் கடன் செய்வதாகவே வைத்துக்கொள்ளுங்கள். நீத்தார் கடன் செய்தால் மகளுக்கும் மகனுக்கும் நல்லது. பேரப் பிள்ளைகளுக்கும் உயர்வு என்று நினைத்துச் செய்கிறீர்களா? அப்படிச் செய்யாது போனால் குற்றம் வந்துவிடுமோ என்று பயந்து அந்த நடவடிக்கைகளில் ஈடுபடுகிறீர்களா? அல்லது உங்கள் சொந்த நலனுக்காக ‘நமக்கு நாளைக்கு எவனாவது செய்ய வேணாமா?’ என்கிற எண்ணத்தோடு செய்கிறீர்களா? இதையெல்லாம் ஒதுக்கி வைத்துவிட்டு ‘நன்றி அறிவித்த’லாக அதை உணர்ந்து செய்ய
ஆரம்பியுங்கள்.

என் அருமையான தகப்பன் கடினமாக உழைத்து, சிக்கனமாக வாழ்ந்து, என்னைப் படிக்க வைத்து, நல்ல வேலையில் கொண்டுபோய் சேர்த்து, நான் உயர்வதைப் பார்த்து மகிழ்ந்து, எனக்குத் திருமணம் செய்து வைத்து, பேரப்பிள்ளைகளைக் கொஞ்சி வாழ்க்கையை முழுவதுமாக அனுபவித்துவிட்டு, என்னையும் என் குடும்பத்தையும் ஆசிர்வதித்துவிட்டுப் போனாரே... அதற்காக நன்றி என்று தெரிவிப்பது
நல்லதல்லவா? அந்தத் தாய் இல்லையெனில் நான் இல்லை. தன் உதரத்தில் சுமந்தவள் என்பதால் மட்டுமல்ல, ஒவ்வொரு கணமும் என் நினைவாகவே வாழ்ந்து, எனக்காகவே தன் வாழ்க்கை வசதிகளை சுருக்கிக்கொண்டு, என்னுடைய வளர்ச்சியையும் கம்பீரத்தையும் பார்த்துப் பூரித்து ‘அது என் பிள்ளை’ என்று பலபேர் முன்னால் கர்வமாகச் சொல்லி, அந்தக் கர்வத்தின் காரணமாகவே இன்னும் அதிக உதவிகள் செய்து, உங்கள் மனைவிக்கு வாழ்வின் மேன்மைகளை உணர்த்தி, உங்கள் பேரப் பிள்ளைகளுக்கு நல்ல விஷயங்கள் சொல்லி, சட்டென்று ஒருநாள் போய் வருகிறேன் என்று சொன்னதுபோல மறைந்து போனாளே... அவளுக்கு மனமார்ந்த நன்றியாக நீர்த்தார் கடன் செய்வதுதான் எத்தனை சுகம்! நெஞ்சார்ந்த நன்றி என்று தாய் தந்தையாரை நினைத்துக் கொண்டுவிட்டால் அந்த நீத்தார் கடனில் எவ்வளவு ஆழமாக, உணர்வுப்பூர்வமாக ஈடுபட முடியும்!


In my opinion, daanam can be supplementary to shraardham and can not be complementary.

 

[Raji Ram]

Madam IPS,

I think this situation arises in almost all the families. Sometimes I think, it is good to have a single child so that later

on in life, he / she can live peacefully!? We call this as 'orppadik kaachchal' in SingArach Chennai. However friendly

the co-sisters in law behave during the first few years, somehow hatred creeps in and ego clashes start. You live in

Middle East. You have not mentioned where the annual ceremonies take place - in India or elsewhere? If you have

to fly to attend the ceremony, better think twice along with your dear h, before taking a decision. These ceremonies

are very expensive and your sis-in-law may arise some point about the money spent too! Better ask your dh to talk

to his brother and cofirm their acceptance of your attendance! Otherwise observe the day in the best way possible

in the city you live in!

Best wishes,
Raji Ram

 

[talwan]

Hello IPS,
If you still(after hearing so many suggestions)think that you cant attend the Karma the other alternate is Dhanam.But should be done in concurrence with your Hubby.
The Dhaanam can be Anna Dhaanam to a poor,needy Brahmin is my suggestion.The satisfaction you attain by 'Pasiattruthal' is immense and Pondichery Annai is a model for AnnaDhaanam.
Alwan

 

[Raji Ram]

............ The Dhaanam can be Anna Dhaanam to a poor,needy Brahmin is my suggestion.The satisfaction you attain by 'Pasiattruthal' is immense and Pondichery Annai is a model for AnnaDhaanam.
Alwan

I do not understand why 'pasi Atruthal' of poor, needy brahmin? Why not ANY poor and needy?
Madam IPS lives in the Middle East, Sir. And hope you have noticed it!! :ranger:

 

[sangom]

I do not understand why 'pasi Atruthal' of poor, needy brahmin? Why not ANY poor and needy?
Madam IPS lives in the Middle East, Sir. And hope you have noticed it!! :ranger:

The brahmana-feeding has been extolled as the most excellent in our Dharma Sastras:

83. Let him feed even one Brahmana in honour of the manes at (the Sraddha), which belongs to the five great sacrifices; but let him not feed on that (occasion) any Brahmana on account of the Vaisvadeva offering.
129. Let him feed even one learned man at (the sacrifice) to the gods, and one at (the sacrifice) to the manes; (thus) he will gain a rich reward, not (if he entertains) many who are unacquainted with the Veda.
131. Though a million of men, unaquainted with the Rikas, were to dine at a (funeral sacrifice), yet a single man, learned in the Veda, who is satisfied (with his entertainment), is worth them all as far as the (production of) spiritual merit (is concerned). (The Laws of Manu, Ch.III)

Possibly Shri Alwan is a devout, orthodox brahmin and feels the hunger of the brahmin's stomach is dearer to God

 

[prasad1]

[h=1]Shraddam or Daanam.[/h]
All these rights are for the living. It gives the people left behind to come together.
The soul of the departed moved on to another birth or onward with its journey. We need to remember the person who departed as we remember them.

If women just for their personal ego boycott family meetings, the future generations are going to have that few family members. Let me state is again WOMEN maintain relationships, men can not maintain if women does not support it. It was valid in Historical times, it is valid now and will be so in future.

Similarly a religion, art and culture will die if women do not support it.

 

[talwan]

I do not understand why 'pasi Atruthal' of poor, needy brahmin? Why not ANY poor and needy?
Madam IPS lives in the Middle East, Sir. And hope you have noticed it!! :ranger:

Hello RR,
AnnaDhaanam to 'any' poor and needy is acceptable to me.But I mentioned to 'Brahmin' as we are discussing in Brahmin's site. so, priority to a brahmin.
I didn't notice that IPS is in Middle East.Thanks for pointing it out.
Alwan

 

[prasad1]

Hello RR,
AnnaDhaanam to 'any' poor and needy is acceptable to me.But I mentioned to 'Brahmin' as we are discussing in Brahmin's site. so, priority to a brahmin.
I didn't notice that IPS is in Middle East.Thanks for pointing it out.
Alwan

So what if she lives in Middle east or any other part of the world, you should find a Brahmin, preferably me. (just a joke in TB). I agree with Talwan's comment

 

[Raji Ram]

So what if she lives in Middle east or any other part of the world, you should find a Brahmin, preferably me. (just a joke in TB). I agree with Talwan's comment

Just kidding...........
The brahmin should be poor and needy! So, you are rejected!! :decision:

 

[IPS]

Thank you SS for providing these inputs. I was aware of some. Since we are not living in the same town, hubby is planning to join his brothers for the same in Chennai this year as it is the first shraddam.

IPS

 

[IPS]

Dear Rajprasad,

Believe me..I dont have ego. I also feel like duty first and I should do what is needed of me there. But it is the fear of rejection, the fear of been humiliated again... which is preventing me from going.Even if i go i wl just like the kollu bommai...as the function will be performed in elder bro- in law's home and am sure that they will not like my presence at all there.

IPS.