Supporting our children

[Raghy]

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Greetings.

Recently there was a discussion about parenting. Don't know which thread though.

Was reading an entry in Jeyamohan's pages. It is old entry. Thought it is pretty good. Thought about sharing here.

" நான் புரிந்துகொண்ட சில விஷயங்கள் உண்டு. அதில் முதலாவது குழந்தைகளை நாம் ‘வளர்க்க’ முடியாது. அவை வளர்கின்றன. அவற்றுக்கு சூழல் அளிக்கும் பலநூறு பாதிப்புகளில் ஒன்று மட்டுமே நாம். கொஞ்சம் பெரிய, கொஞ்சம் தீவிரமான பாதிப்பு என்று வேண்டுமானால் சொல்லலாம். அந்தப்பாதிப்புகளை வாங்கி வளரும் அவன் ஆளுமையின் விதை அவனுக்குள் பிறவியிலேயே உள்ளது.

ஆகவே குழந்தைகளை நாம் நம் விருப்பப்படி வளர்க்க முடியும் என்பது பெரிய மடமை. அவர்கள் நன்றாக வந்தாலும் சரி, வரவில்லை என்றாலும் சரி அதில் நம் பங்களிப்பு ஒரு சிறு பகுதிதான். அதற்கான பொறுப்பையோ பாராட்டையோ நாம் ஏற்றுக்கொள்வது அபத்தமானது."

More at the link below.

???? ???..

Cheers!

 

[C RAVI]

Yes, Children are influenced in many ways through out their growing process. The learning process starts from home, through parents. The home environment and the relationship between family members makes major impact on the children and helps shaping their attitude, perception and behavior. The other external factors gets added to these influences.

Ultimately, what the children could turn out to be and what they achieve in life can be anything other than what the family and the society expected/predicted of them. The grown up children form their own personality, having influenced by various factors and turn out to be an "Individual"


To say that Parental influence on children is zilch, senseless (as stated by JM) etc. is ridiculous, IMHO.

 

[Raji Ram]

ammaa endraal anbu

appaa endraal aRivu

aasaan endraal kalvi

avarE ulagil deivam !

Without 'anbu' and 'aRivu', a child can not achieve high ranks!

 

[kunjuppu]

Yes, Children are influenced in many ways through out their growing process. The learning process starts from home, through parents. The home environment and the relationship between family members makes major impact on the children and helps shaping their attitude, perception and behavior. The other external factors gets added to these influences.

Ultimately, what the children could turn out to be and what they achieve in life can be anything other than what the family and the society expected/predicted of them. The grown up children form their own personality, having influenced by various factors and turn out to be an "Individual"


To say that Parental influence on children is zilch, senseless (as stated by JM) etc. is ridiculous, IMHO.

dear ravi,

i dont think that is what JMo is trying to say.

many of us subscribe to the theory, of cause and effect. if we do 'such and such', the child will turn out to be 'so and so'. JMo says, and i agree with him, that there is no guarantee to such a formula.

much as we can try, it only 'try'. there is no guarantee.

children of geniuses turn out to be dumbos; and vice versa. all from the same genes. why? no one knows.

honest parents beget thieves. don't they? there is no guarantee in life. that is all.

as parents we have influence. but it increasingly becomes less and that too exponentially, once they start schooling. till at 14, the influence is said to be zero, and after that, on the reverse. it is only when the children reach late twenties or early thirties, that they start looking to their parents again. again, this generalization, like all generalization, is prone to error

 

[vgane]

Children are elastic till the age of 10 years...They are ductile...They can be moulded in different characters...

There used to be moral classes for students when I studied...But it is no more there...

We used to do Upanayanam by 7-9 years for boys..They used to do Sandhyavandanam regularly & recite Gayatri Mantra..Nowadays we do Upanayanam more for completing our duty..We do not think that reciting Sandhyavandanam is a must..And father is unable to be a role model to his son for this as he comes late from office & he himself is unable to walk the talk..There is no community push for this either

While external variables such as cinema, internet, video games and television are playing a role

Another factor is that both parents are employed fully and are unable to spend time with their kids

It is recommended that in the initial formative years there should be some one in the home to guide a child in the right path

Most important for the child to know what is wrong

 

[kunjuppu]

It is recommended that in the initial formative years there should be some one in the home to guide a child in the right path

Most important for the child to know what is wrong

vagane, i think today the fathers dont do sandhi. how can they force the kid to do so regularly?

the parents can set rules by example. even then there is no guarantee. but that might help. just putting poonal at 7 is not going to make the boy do sandhi. what is the use of doing sandhi looking at the TV by the way? i really dont have the right answers, but all the solutions suggested here, appear to me, very superficial and only for the sake of appearance.

there is another english word for it.. ofcourse

 

[C RAVI]

Children are elastic till the age of 10 years...They are ductile...They can be moulded in different characters...

There used to be moral classes for students when I studied...But it is no more there...

We used to do Upanayanam by 7-9 years for boys..They used to do Sandhyavandanam regularly & recite Gayatri Mantra..Nowadays we do Upanayanam more for completing our duty..We do not think that reciting Sandhyavandanam is a must..And father is unable to be a role model to his son for this as he comes late from office & he himself is unable to walk the talk..There is no community push for this either

While external variables such as cinema, internet, video games and television are playing a role

Another factor is that both parents are employed fully and are unable to spend time with their kids

It is recommended that in the initial formative years there should be some one in the home to guide a child in the right path

Most important for the child to know what is wrong

Very true...

As basic human tendencies, parents tend to feel proud about their parenting when they find their children grown up as good, descent & successful humans. When their good parenting fails to develop fine qualities in their children, parents tend to find faults with the surroundings of their children OR take the blame on themselves. This is what is happening in general.

To get oneself relieved from feeling guilty of one's parenting, in case it didn't work out reasonably OR when parents themselves could realize their mistakes, some buy the idea that "Parenting has No valuable impact on children", thus, neither to take pride nor to feel guilty.

But, sensible & responsible parents would not get themselves caught with such ideas and stay relaxed. They would do all that is needed from time to time and leave rest in the hands of God, keeping their fingers crossed.

 

[Raghy]

Greetings.

Whatever is discussed..... I don't know anything coherently. All I know is... support my children at all times.... I and Amirtha don't really expect anything concrete from our children...

We gave them an identity. Our children took off like comets. True. Our daughter is still with us. But, she will take off like a comet like her brother.

What did we do? just gave them 'elbow room' and freedom.

'Social identity' is the most important. I did not have it. I know the value. Our children have it. I know, I madesure.

I and my wife are proud of our children.

Cheers!

 

[vgane]

vagane, i think today the fathers dont do sandhi. how can they force the kid to do so regularly?

the parents can set rules by example. even then there is no guarantee. but that might help. just putting poonal at 7 is not going to make the boy do sandhi. what is the use of doing sandhi looking at the TV by the way? i really dont have the right answers, but all the solutions suggested here, appear to me, very superficial and only for the sake of appearance.

there is another english word for it.. ofcourse

What are the traits that we are talking about....Being honest...Respect for elders....Getting up timely...Going to bed on time...Respect for tradition, culture and family values....To study well...Not doing things prohibited by law

If the child learns all these either by himself or with prompting by parents, all these will help the child as he faces the world as an adult

But what factors will drive or facilitate the above?

Can anyone say with conviction that none of above traits can be acquired without parental intervention?

Let us help our children to be good citizens of the country, society and community....Rest will follow!

 

[kunjuppu]

What are the traits that we are talking about....Being honest...Respect for elders....Getting up timely...Going to bed on time...Respect for tradition, culture and family values....To study well...Not doing things prohibited by law

If the child learns all these either by himself or with prompting by parents, all these will help the child as he faces the world as an adult

But what factors will drive or facilitate the above?

Can anyone say with conviction that none of above traits can be acquired without parental intervention?

Let us help our children to be good citizens of the country, society and community....Rest will follow!

i agree with all of your letter. but what has sandhi got to do with it? parents, i think, atleast many of them, teach the traits in your post. but have not seen many do sandhi. and i dont if doing sandhi alone will do any good in character building.

doing sandhi is a religious ritual. there are many complex reason of why tambrams have abandoned it in large numbers. i do not wish to get into that.

 

[prasad1]

i agree with all of your letter. but what has sandhi got to do with it? parents, i think, atleast many of them, teach the traits in your post. but have not seen many do sandhi. and i dont if doing sandhi alone will do any good in character building.

doing sandhi is a religious ritual. there are many complex reason of why tambrams have abandoned it in large numbers. i do not wish to get into that.

I support Mr. K's pov.

We used to do Upanayanam by 7-9 years for boys..They used to do Sandhyavandanam regularly & recite Gayatri Mantra..Nowadays we do Upanayanam more for completing our duty..We do not think that reciting Sandhyavandanam is a must..And father is unable to be a role model to his son for this as he comes late from office & he himself is unable to walk the talk..There is no community push for this either

If that doing Sandhi 3 times a day alone is "supporting our children" then 99% of the parents have failed. That is an absurd criteria for supporting our children.

 

[vgane]

i agree with all of your letter. but what has sandhi got to do with it? parents, i think, atleast many of them, teach the traits in your post. but have not seen many do sandhi. and i dont if doing sandhi alone will do any good in character building.

doing sandhi is a religious ritual. there are many complex reason of why tambrams have abandoned it in large numbers. i do not wish to get into that.

I gave the example of Sandhi to buttress the argument that it can be imbibed by the push of parents...However if the father himself is not doing it then asking the son to do it becomes ineffective...I am not going to argue on why Sandhi and there are separate threads in the archives