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Weekend stress buster

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Brahmanyan

Brahmanyan

Active member
Here is a Weekend Stress buster.

Enjoy,
Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
​
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'


'Well,to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
​
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly,the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms per hour ...(Remember, the Pope is German…)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
​
  1. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.


​
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope.


__._,_.___
 
ha ha ha ha. simply super sir.
Sir I have added some more jokes in Misc jokes. Pls go through them.
Also my new thread links.
 
Here is another weekend Stress buster for you.
Enjoy,

Regards,

Brahmanyan
Bangalore.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends had been drinking all evening in a bar. The friend finally
passed out and fell to the floor.

The Mulla called a doctor who rushed him to a hospital.
When he came to, the doctor asked him, "Do you see any pink elephants or little green men?"
"Nope", groaned the patient.
"No snakes or alligators?", the doctor asked.
"Nope",the drunk said.
"Then just sleep it off and you will be all right in the morning" ,said the doctor.

But Mulla Nasrudin was worried." Look Doctor". He said "that boy is in bad shape, He
said he couldn't see any of them Animals, you and I know the room is full of them".
------------------------------------------------------------------
 
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single
line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" he man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?
"The man replied "Join the queue."
 
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

Never underestimate the power of...termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's... pollution.

A penny saved is... not much.
 
Anil Kumble and Sachin Tendulkar, now elderly, 85 and 80 years old are sitting on a park bench outside Lord’s cricket ground feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, past series and tours.


Kumble turns to Tendulkar and asks, ‘Do you think there’s cricket in heaven?’

Tendulkar thinks about it for a minute and replies, ‘I dunno. But let’s make an agreement: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.’ They shake hands on it.

Sadly, a few months later, poor Kumble passes on.

One day soon afterward, Tendulkar is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, ‘Sachin….Sachin’

Tendulkar responds, ‘Anil, is that you?’ Yes it is me, ‘whispers Kumble’s ghost.

Tendulkar still amazed enquires, ‘So, is there cricket in heaven?’

‘Well, ’says Kumble, ‘I’ve got good news and bad news.’

‘Gimme the good news first, ’says Tendulkar.

‘Well… there is cricket in heaven.’

Tendulkar says, ‘That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?’

Kumble sighs and whispers, ‘You are going to open the innings this Friday.
 
Here is another weekend Stress buster from me.
Enjoy.

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mullah Nasruddin was talking to his lawyer about having his will drawn up.

The lawyer asked him: "What's to be different about this will?"

"Oh," said Nasruddin, "I am leaving every thing to my wife on condition that she marries again.
I want some body to be sorry I died"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
This is an old Joke,I don't know you have heard this.
But this is a weekend stress buster to keep you happy.
Enjoy,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was election time, the local Politician visited an Adivasi village and made a fine speech full of promises of better things.

"Voted to power" He said "I shall see a new era of opportunity to you all"
To this the Adivasis gave a raining cry of "Hoya, Hoya"
Encouraged He continued " I promise, better roads and Schools"
"Hoya, Hoya" exclaimed the audience with much enthusiasm.
"I pledge, better hospitals and health care" said the politician.
"Hoya, Hoya" cried the poor and uneducated Adivasis.
With tear running down his cheek, the politician ended "I come to you as equal, as a brother, so trust me".
The air shook with one long mighty "Hoya, Hoya".
Greatly pleased by this reception, he then began to tour the village along with the chief. "I see you have fine breeds of Cows and Bulls here" He said "May I inspect them?"
"Certainly Sir, come this way" said the chief "but be careful not to step on the "Hoya"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Yearend stress buster

Humour is a special asset blessed to humans by nature. Enjoy the same. Here is another one for the year end:

Cheers,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India...

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband,
Tuna Singh

His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi

NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN

 
Here is another one from Mulla Nasruddin for the week end.

Enjoy,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

One Thursday night Mulla Nasruddin came home to supper. His wife served him baked beans. He threw his plate of beans against the wall and shouted "I hate Baked Beans".

"Mulla, I can't figure out" His wife said."Monday night you liked Baked beans, Tuesday night you liked Baked beans, Wednesday night you liked Baked beans, and now, all of a sudden on Thursday night, you say you hate Baked beans"
 
From a mail I received today:
Wife and Girlfriend

Wife is like a TV set,
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE phone .

At home u watch TV,
But when u go out u take ur MOBILE.

No money, u sell the TV,
Got money u change ur MOBILE.

Sometimes u enjoy TV,
But most of the time u play with ur MOBILE.

TV is free for life,
But for the MOBILE , if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable,
But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.

TV has a remote,
MOBILE doesn't.

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),
But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).

Last but not least ..
TVs don't have viruses,
But MOBILEs often do!
 
saidevo said:
From a mail I received today:
Wife and Girlfriend

Wife is like a TV set,
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE phone .

At home u watch TV,
But when u go out u take ur MOBILE.

No money, u sell the TV,
Got money u change ur MOBILE.

Sometimes u enjoy TV,
But most of the time u play with ur MOBILE.

TV is free for life,
But for the MOBILE , if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable,
But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.

TV has a remote,
MOBILE doesn't.

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),
But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).

Last but not least ..
TVs don't have viruses,
But MOBILEs often do!
Click to expand...

Shri Saidevo,

Very nice. Surprising to find this facet of your personality too!
 
"Jews have the best jokes in the world. You will be surprised, but this
is my observation: it is their sense of humor that has saved them;
otherwise they would have been destroyed long ago. They had to create a
great sense of humor; even in the concentration camps of Adolf Hitler
they were joking. That was their way of remaining alive.
And I love jokes, hence I love Jews too" - Osho.
-----------------

 Here is one for weekend stress buster:
Enjoy,
Brahmanyan.

-------------

A Priest and a Rabbi were talking when the Rabbi asked the Priest about confession.
"I have an idea," said the Priest.
Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth
and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.

A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I
have sinned." The Priest asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."

"How many times?"

"Three times."

"Well," said the Priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars
in the offering box."

Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned." The Priest asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."

"How many times?"

"Three times."

Again the Priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5
dollars in the offering box."

Then the priest said to the Rabbi, "would
you like to do the next confession?" The Rabbi started to
object, but the Priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."

So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned." This time the Rabbi asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."

"How many times?"

The woman said, "Twice."

Then the Rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5
dollars today.

---------------
 
sangom said:
Shri Saidevo,

Very nice. Surprising to find this facet of your personality too!
Click to expand...



Dear Sri "Sangom",

You said it. Happy Sri Saidevo has this facet of personality, only a person devoid of falsehood, inhibitions and hypocrisy can tell and enjoy good jokes. I come from Coimbatore where the native brahmin community is known for its high sense of humour known as கோயமுத்தூர் குசும்பு .

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore
 
Last edited:
Here is another stress buster that I got today.
Enjoy.

Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.



Don't mess with Senior Citizens

The Hotel Bill​
​

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." '

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Moral: Don't mess with Senior Citizens.



 
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