When did the tradition of sending Bride to Bridegroom’s home started?

[P.J.]

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When did the tradition of sending Bride to Bridegroom’s home started in Hindu Marriages?


Can anyone tell this with proper link? Was there any stories connected in the Scriptures?


Nowadays , Girls demand many things before they get married, the days are not far off when girls are going to demand ( Brahmin girls) that the boy after the marriage is sent to her home or else separate family set up!!

My brother in law is searching for a suitable alliance for two of his sons for the past 6-7 years, still he could not find one; the boys age go up in the meantime.

I learn that this is the case with many of the boys in Brahmin community.

 

[Raghy]

Sri. Padmanabhan Janakiraman, Greetings.

I don't know when they started to say the bride should go to grooms home. It is wrong. The newly married are supposed to start their own family on their own. They do start the seedlings by the way of 'paaligai'. These seedlings after 6 days grow well enough to plant. The newly married were supposed to start their own life and start farming.

Our son recently got married. His wife wanted to stay with us; he didn't. We set up 'thani kudithinam' for them. Now both our son and our daughter-in-law like to build a large house so that all of us can stay undr one roof.. We are not so keen! Eventually it would end up there.... my point is, living seperately is not wrong.. that's what they should be doing. Of course, weekly once we visit each other... if we cook anything fancy, we take it to them.. they come along to spend sometime with us.... I think this is a nice arrangement.

Cheers!

 

[prasad1]

I subscribe to Mr. Raghy's idea:

The newly married are supposed to start their own family on their own.

That is true is all cultures, and in animal and plant world too. The idea is to stop inbreeding and promoting the spreading of genes. Then economic conditions dictate the customs. In a matrilineal society the brides does not go away, but the groom comes to stay with the girl.

 

[P.J.]

Excellent Answer Raghy Sir

Boy's Parents must realize this, and if they don't, it will end up in never ending misunderstanding between the Daughter in law and Mamiyar.

 

[sangom]

When did the tradition of sending Bride to Bridegroom’s home started in Hindu Marriages?


Can anyone tell this with proper link? Was there any stories connected in the Scriptures?


Nowadays , Girls demand many things before they get married, the days are not far off when girls are going to demand ( Brahmin girls) that the boy after the marriage is sent to her home or else separate family set up!!

My brother in law is searching for a suitable alliance for two of his sons for the past 6-7 years, still he could not find one; the boys age go up in the meantime.

I learn that this is the case with many of the boys in Brahmin community.

It is as old as the rigveda and there are mantras for the new bride's safe journey to her in-laws' house and she being the prosperity for that household. Kindly see this url, especially the portion dealing with marriage. If you want you may go through the book Vivaaha Mantraarthangal by Dharmarakshaamani K. Balasubrahmanya Iyer and published by Shree Kamakoti Kosasthaanam, 4-Francis Joseph Street, Chennai-1 1971.

 

[Amirtha]

The newly married youngsters should live seperately and learn life trial and error method. They have more opportunity to know each other very well. They have room to grow psychologically. There will be more respect between the elders and youngsters. They will appreciate each other including the paretns.

Kind Regards

 

[tbs]

Sri. Padmanabhan Janakiraman, Greetings.

I don't know when they started to say the bride should go to grooms home. It is wrong. The newly married are supposed to start their own family on their own. They do start the seedlings by the way of 'paaligai'. These seedlings after 6 days grow well enough to plant. The newly married were supposed to start their own life and start farming.

Our son recently got married. His wife wanted to stay with us; he didn't. We set up 'thani kudithinam' for them. Now both our son and our daughter-in-law like to build a large house so that all of us can stay undr one roof.. We are not so keen! Eventually it would end up there.... my point is, living seperately is not wrong.. that's what they should be doing. Of course, weekly once we visit each other... if we cook anything fancy, we take it to them.. they come along to spend sometime with us.... I think this is a nice arrangement.

Cheers!

hi raghy sir,
i like it.....in old age ...we need some freedom too....youngsters need freedom too...nodoby should live like parasites....in reality...

2 men can live easily together...but 2 women can't live together.....SAAS BHI KABHI BAHU THI.....in USA its called...PERSONAL SPACE....

 

[P.J.]

Amrithaji
What you say"The newly married youngsters should live separately and learn life trial and error method." is not happening , and that's the reason nowadays girls demand before they get into any alliance" separate set up"; this is the reason why girls look for foreign boys.
When i was working in Calcutta, i got married, and that way me and my wife learned to manage alone; only a couple of months my mother in law visited us when my wife was in the family way.
Now my son and daughter are in different countries, my daughter is in UK, my son is in US; we were moving between these two countries whenever they wanted us, when their babies were too small.

There is another concern for elderly parents, a time will come when they will be left alone!!! At that time, one has to choose between going to either old age home or to stay with their son's family; in case there is no son, they have to move to an old age home.
What is your thinking on this Raghy Sir, veteran Prasad Sir,Amrithaji and sangom sir?

 

[prasad1]

Amrithaji
What you say"The newly married youngsters should live separately and learn life trial and error method." is not happening , and that's the reason nowadays girls demand before they get into any alliance" separate set up"; this is the reason why girls look for foreign boys.
When i was working in Calcutta, i got married, and that way me and my wife learned to manage alone; only a couple of months my mother in law visited us when my wife was in the family way.
Now my son and daughter are in different countries, my daughter is in UK, my son is in US; we were moving between these two countries whenever they wanted us, when their babies were too small.

There is another concern for elderly parents, a time will come when they will be left alone!!! At that time, one has to choose between going to either old age home or to stay with their son's family; in case there is no son, they have to move to an old age home.
What is your thinking on this Raghy Sir, veteran Prasad Sir,Amrithaji and sangom sir?

Sir,
There is no one answer will fit, all. It has to be decided by financial consideration, as well as relationship consideration.
I have built an adult living subdivision here in USA. It is for active adults, who are empty nesters, i.e. children have grown and left home. The Americans are ready to downsize from their 4000 sq ft home to 1800 sqft home, with no maintenance.

The PIO's are not ready to accept it yet, but I have approached by a group to build a subdivision for them, we will see. The idea is that the older folks living in close proximity can help each other, as opposed to expecting the children to help.
With the financial independence it is possible to do it. There is a subdivision in Florida developed on this principle.
We have visited a number of retirement communities in India, where you can lead relatively comfortable life at a cost. There are various economic and assistance levels.
There is a realization that children have their own life, we must be there when they need us. Similarly there is an expectation that they will be there when, we need them. But in day to day life we all need room.

Sometimes finance or health condition forces the older folks to move in with their children, or near their children.
We should be able to share living space depending on the level of trust, and respect. It just depends on expectation of the people involved.

 

[Raghy]

Sri. Padmanabhan Janakiraman, Greetings.

There is another concern for elderly parents, a time will come when they will be left alone!!! At that time, one has to choose between going to either old age home or to stay with their son's family; in case there is no son, they have to move to an old age home.
What is your thinking on this Raghy Sir, veteran Prasad Sir,Amrithaji and sangom sir?

It purely depends upon our longivity. Hopefully we like to retire. Initially we like to travel to India and other places as much as possible at the rate of few months home base and the rest of the year in travel. Once that ecomes harder, we will have to settle. When our mobility gets restricted, we will try to get community help ( plenty help is available. Like some support worker would show up for few hours everyday to help with activities of daily living. Unfortunately such facilities are not really available in India yet. I and my wife like to age gracefully. We are not keen on utilising any over the board medical facilities). As a last resort, we may end up in an aged care facility.

In any case, we don't like to burden our children with the responsibility of caring for us. When we are old and down, it is much better for our children to visit us weekly or fortnightly; take us out may be on a monthly basis.... that should make everyone to look forwards for such get together events.

Cheers!

 

[Amirtha]

Shri Padmanabhan Janakiraman

Amrithaji
What you say"The newly married youngsters should live separately and learn life trial and error method." is not happening , and that's the reason nowadays girls demand before they get into any alliance" separate set up"; this is the reason why girls look for foreign boys.
When i was working in Calcutta, i got married, and that way me and my wife learned to manage alone; only a couple of months my mother in law visited us when my wife was in the family way.
Now my son and daughter are in different countries, my daughter is in UK, my son is in US; we were moving between these two countries whenever they wanted us, when their babies were too small.

I am pretty sure you guys ( you and your wife) had lot of fun and grew together.

There is another concern for elderly parents, a time will come when they will be left alone!!! At that time, one has to choose between going to either old age home or to stay with their son's family; in case there is no son, they have to move to an old age home.
What is your thinking on this Raghy Sir, veteran Prasad Sir,Amrithaji and sangom sir?

I agree with Shri Raghy's reply regarding this matter. I definitely do not want to burden our children. I try to do be as healthy as possible. In my opinion, if I look after myself, in an indirect way I look after our children. In the present situations, children may not have facility to look after us. Life itself is very busy, children may not find enough time for themselves. Fortunately for me in Australia, there are facilities available for the community support system to care for the eldrely population. Such facilities may not be available in India. In any case, it is would be very hard for the untrained children to look after the elderly parents.

Kind Regards

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear P J Sir,

You are talking about the older generations when the married girls lived with their parent in laws! If a girl is employed in

a metro city, the first condition is that her husband should relocate! May be because finding jobs for boys is considered to be

easier than finding jobs for girls! After relocation, either her husband stays with his parent in laws of set up a separate home.

Have you not seen matrimonial ads where invariably it is mentioned, 'Boys working abroad with ROOTS in India!'?

The money power has increased and so are the number of old age homes. If the parents are dependent on their son who has

less salary, their plight is really pitiable! :tsk:

 

[renuka]

I remember after my marriage I was posted to a different state(that time I was still in the Government service)..and I was staying alone.

Husband and parents used to visit some 2 x a week.

I was staying alone almost for a year(that time I was pregnant too).

I feel after marriage couples should be on their own.

One thing I feel after marriage couples should try to solve problems themselves instead of always trying to get parents involved cos I feel sometimes parents and inlaws might have conflicting views.

They might have views that are partial to their son/daughter and might actually cause more trouble.

Parents and Inlaws should not interfere with couples after marriage.

Well..I wonder why in old age everyone wants so many people around them.

I feel retirement is the time to pick up new hobbies, learn something new, conducting religious classes and also re igniting passion with spouse.

If one is a widow or a widower..it's time to get a new person in their lives.

There is nothing wrong for an old person to fall in love again.

Love at an advanced age need not always spell sex(but those who still want to be active it's fine)
Companionship is important at an advanced age.

In fact I am always thinking to fix up my widower Father In Law with someone...but my husband gives me the dagger looks and hates the idea!LOL

I feel an old person who is a widow/widower might be lonely and a good companion to share thoughts and emotions will help them sail old age together.

But not many people think this way.

 

[Raji Ram]

குறிப்பு:

(மேலை நாடு வாழ் மகனின் திருமணம் ஆனபின் வந்த மாற்றங்களைச்

சில பெற்றோர் உரைக்க, அவற்றின் எதிரொலி)


கீதையின் சாரத்தை உணர்த்தும் 'அங்கும் - இங்கும்'...

'கடமையைச் செய்! பலனை எதிர்பாராதே!' இது
மடமை நிறை நெஞ்சுக்குக் கீதை சொல்லுவது!

அன்பைப் பொழிந்து, அருமையாகக் காத்தாலும் - அந்த
அன்பை மறந்து அவர்கள் 'அங்கேயே' செல்லுவதேன்?

பேரன்பை நாம் காட்டுவது நம் கடமைதானோ?
பேரன்பை எதிர் நோக்குவது நம் மடமைதானோ?

கொண்டவன் செலவு செய்தால் கொண்டாட்டம் அங்கே;
கொண்டவனை ஈன்றவர் பாடு திண்டாட்டம் இங்கே!

பெட்டி நிறையப் பரிசுப் பொருள் சென்றுவிடும் அங்கே;
குட்டிக் குட்டிப் பரிசு சிலது வந்து சேரும் இங்கே!

'சர்க்கரை' அளவு பார்க்க "மீட்டர்" போகும் அங்கே;
'சர்க்கரை' அளவு பார்க்க அருகில் LAB இருக்கு இங்கே!

சேமிப்பு பற்றிக் கவலை இன்றி "போன்" பேச்சு அங்கே;
சேமிப்பு பற்றிக் கவலைப்பட்டு P C பேச்சு இங்கே!

"கார்டு" தேய்த்துப் பொருட்கள் வாங்குவது அங்கே;
"கார்டு" தேவையில்லை என எடுப்பதில்லை இங்கே!

சமையலில் உதவி செய்த பின்பு 'ஊர் சுற்றல்' அங்கே!
சமையலில் உதவி செய்யாது 'நாவல் படிப்பு' இங்கே!

சாஸ்திரம் தெரிந்தவர்போல் இருந்திடுவார் அங்கே!
'சாஸ்திரம் எதற்குத் தேவை?', என்றிடுவார் இங்கே!

தெய்வம் பல தரிசிக்கக் கோவில் போவார் அங்கே! - குல
தெய்வம் கூட தரிசிக்காமல் "லீவு" போடுவார் இங்கே!

காலம் மாறினாலும், கண்ணன் உபதேசம் மாறவில்லை;
மேலும் மன அமைதிக்கு நமக்கு வேறு மார்க்கமில்லை! :nono:

 

[P.J.]

Dear Prasad Sir
The problem arises when one becomes"SINGLE" left alone; for men it is not easy to manage alone,old ladies manage and adjust to live with either their son's family or daughter's family.Very seldom they opt for old age homes; on the other hand men find it hard to live without their spouse and find it hard to adjust with either son's family or daughter's family.
Life becomes miserable for them, when they do not have the money support to live in old age home.

 

[Raji Ram]

சக்தி இல்லையேல் சிவம் இல்லை! ( Shakthi illaiyEl Sivam illai )

I have seen quite a few widowers who don't have even persons to talk to! My grandfather lived with our family, since

my father was his first son. Grandma died when he was in his early sixties. He never used to grumble about his lose.

He had his routine work of reading Gita, composing carnatic songs, teaching us maths and music and so on. He lived

up to the age of 84 and reached the lotus feet of Lord Rama, his 'Ishta Deyvam'. Only a few persons are fortunate like him!

 

[Raji Ram]

An 'average Indian husband' is somewhat 'nagging types'! May be because the lady is able to adjust to him

for years together, she manages well with any other person, when she looses him! Just a thought...

P.S: A few wives also keep nagging all the time!

 

[prasad1]

Dear Prasad Sir
The problem arises when one becomes"SINGLE" left alone; for men it is not easy to manage alone,old ladies manage and adjust to live with either their son's family or daughter's family.Very seldom they opt for old age homes; on the other hand men find it hard to live without their spouse and find it hard to adjust with either son's family or daughter's family.
Life becomes miserable for them, when they do not have the money support to live in old age home.

I agree with you.
Financial independence can help you lead a life that you are accustomed to. Living with someone else is an adjustment.
My FIL used to live with us, but his personality was such that he was never lonely. He was an astrologer, and even during weekdays when we will come home there will be cars, and people will visit him, make tea for him. My BIL suffered a stroke and now is confined to wheelchair, but people visit him, and he still conducts Gita class on Sundays.
Men need to create a life for themselves, then others can help them.
Money definitely helps.

 

[P.J.]

Dear Raji Ram Madam 'average Indian husband' is somewhat 'nagging types' is not true. After certain age husband keep to himself and very quite and only wife dictates every thing!!

 

[prasad1]

Wife dictates, that part is true.

 

[Amirtha]

Imo opinion nagging has universal law not only just with Indian couples. It doesn’t discriminate race. We human behave the same no matter whether we black, white, yellow etc. etc.. In my home nagging

happens both ways some times. I usually get what I want. My husband loves me too much. He also gets what he wants. I also love him a lot. At times when we have discrepancies, usually we fight to sort

things out. LOL....

 

[renuka]

I feel nagging is a waste of energy.

If you observe carefully..nagging dominant types of wives end up making all the decisions at home.

Ok if the person is a housewife she might be the Home Minister so she might be actually in charge of the whole house.

But for the rest of us who work outside of home we would like shared responsibilities.

Nagging and dictating is not even needed.

Just plan out who is in charge of what task and they have to carry out the task.

Help can be asked if one is not able to finish it on one's own.

Dominating people do not realize that they finally actually end up doing much more work than their spouses.

Nowadays I really wonder why working woman need to even get their way with anything at home.

After all working woman have their own money..so we have the financial freedom to buy what we want for ourselves and even for family.


So why nag and bother husband?

I have noticed that some working woman save all their money but keep nagging husband to spend on them!LOL..that's the worst possible situation where a working wife does not contribute to the home and expect the husband to shoulder all responsibilities!


Fighting is a waste of time..it takes us no where.

Better to have a meeting to sort out any differences of opinions.

That's why I prefer the debate system..one person is allowed to speak till he/she is done.

The other person allowed to speak till he/she is done.

Points noted down and then solution should to be reached.

If somethings can't be changed..just accept is as Karma and we are paying a Karmic Debt!LOL

After a certain age I feel we humans just get used to having someone around us and most of the while we call it Love.

To me I feel Love is conglomerate of emotional and physical dependency.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Raji Ram Madam 'average Indian husband' is somewhat 'nagging types' is not true. After certain age husband keep to himself and very quite and only wife dictates every thing!

Dear Sir,

Please note 'average Indian husband'. There are many above average husbands who give importance to their better halves.

Please go through this write-up which shows that ego clash is the main reason for bitterness in the family!


வாழ்வை இன்பமாக்குவோம்…

இது என்ன? புது விஷயமா? நிச்சயமாக இல்லை, இல்லை;
பொதுவான கருத்துக்களையே மீண்டும் சொல்லும் வேலை!

வினைப்பயனால் அமைவதுவே நமக்குப் பூவுலக வாழ்க்கை;
துணை அமைவதும் விதியால் வந்துவிடும் ஒரு சேர்க்கை!

எப்படி இனிமையாக்குவது விதியால் வரும் அமைப்பை?
அப்படி எண்ணியதன் விளைவே இன்று எழுதும் கவிதை!

வேதாளத்திற்கு வாக்குப்பட்டால் முருங்கை மரம் ஏறணும்!
பாதாளத்திற்கு வழி கேட்டால் பாதையே மாறிப் போகணும்!

பிறரை மாற்ற விழைவதை விட்டு, நாம் மாறினால் என்ன?
துயரைத் துடைக்க இதை விட்டால் வேறு மார்க்கம் என்ன?

விட்டுக் கொடுக்க நம்முடைய துணை அறியாவிடில், நாமே
விட்டுக் கொடுத்துத்தான் பார்ப்போமே! வாழ்வும் மாறிடுமே!

உடனிருப்போருக்குப் பிடிப்பதை நாம் செய்து விடுவோமே;
உடனிருப்போருக்குப் பிடிக்காததைச் செய்யாது விடுவோமே!

நானே பெரியவன், நல்ல அறிவாளி என இருவரும் எண்ண,
தானே வந்து சேரும் விஷயம், தினம் வாக்குவாதம் பண்ண!

அரிது அரிது மானிடராய்ப் பிறத்தல் என அறிந்தும் – இந்த
அரிய பிறவியைக் கசந்து போக வைக்க முயலவேண்டாம்!

குறைவின்றி நம்மைப் படைத்த இறையைத் தலை வணங்கி,
குறைவில்லா இன்பம் பெற இக்கணம் முதல் மாறிடுவோம்!

:decision: . . . :angel:

 

[Raji Ram]

......... Fighting is a waste of time..it takes us no where. .........

That is the point Renu!
I know a few couples who fight for 'time pass', in their daily routine!! ound:

 

[renuka]

That is the point Renu!
I know a few couples who fight for 'time pass', in their daily routine!! ound:

Dear RR ji,

I know some who can't stay without fighting..they are addicted to it!LOL

Actually lots of things can be sorted out..for example TV remote fight is a common fight with couples..one sees TV and misplaces the remote and they might start to fight.

I have foreseen all these possibilities ..that's why me and husband have our own set of TV remotes.
No one touches the others TV remote..so that way we will never misplace it and no fights too.

Another fight that can take place is kitchen fight..somehow having a man in the kitchen can cause fights!LOL

So we have kitchen timings too..morning I use it first cos I go to work 1st.
Then husband uses the kitchen for himself.

At night he reaches home first from work..so he uses it for himself first.

Each person has to clean up the kitchen before the other person arrives.

So no fights.

Kitchen wars are the best to see..today I am sure my mum and dad will have a kitchen war cos my mum will be making some Diwali goodies and my dad too will want to make some goodies too!LOL