a family problem may be society`s

[RVR]

Share:

Facebook X (Twitter) LinkedIn WhatsApp Email Share Link

I think, the two daughters can play an effective role in bringing the parents closer. Since they are already married, they may be matured enough to advice both the parents.

Mother may reveal her feelings to the daughter privately and daughter can also tell her father to change his attitude.

I am not a medical or psychology expert but it just came to my mind. It is just my gut feeling that children are the binding force between the two.

Since the lady may have crossed 40 plus and menopause period may create lot of problems for her mentally.

I pray God for the unity of the family.

All the best

 

[kunjuppu]

I think, the two daughters can play an effective role in bringing the parents closer. Since they are already married, they may be matured enough to advice both the parents.

Mother may reveal her feelings to the daughter privately and daughter can also tell her father to change his attitude.

good point venkat.

i feel the father would not go for it, for fear of losing face. the family 'matter' goes from daughters to in-laws and that would be a no-no. unless you have very sympathetic in-laws who might want to step in to help. that is possible.

i am quite sure, one or both of the daughters must be aware something is wrong. it is said that the mother-daughter bond is the strongest bond between any two human beings.

it is a complex situation considering our social mores and how much we prize our பஹுமானம். the key to resolution, i think, ultimately is the husband. whether he can rise up to it is the question.

 

[Nara]

... the key to resolution, i think, ultimately is the husband. whether he can rise up to it is the question.

You are right, K, the key to resolving this is in the husband's hands....

 

[KRS]

This is a very sad case. Sri kr subramanian Ji, I am going to raise a series of questions here for your friend. Please ask him to answer these questions truthfully. He may then find the answer to this issue:

1. Who made the decision to take the out of town job, him or his wife or both? Did he consult with her fully before taking the job, or did he consult only with his parents?

2. Did she then have a job or was she forced to take a job to support the children and his parents locally? If she already had a job, who has decided that she would not quit that job while having the additional new burden of fully looking after his parents and the children? Did she agree with this? When he came back did he request her to quit her job? Or because he does not have a job, he expects her to continue?

3. Did the money she make from her job end up in a common pot or was it used to take care of local expenses while the husband's money is held as savings? Did she have an equal decision making part about both of their monies? Does she now have that right?

4. When he came home for breaks, was he tender with her, knowing that she was without him for all that time? Or did he act as an animal in heat? (would explain partly why she does not want to sleep with him anymore)

5. What did he do for his wife over all these years to show his appreciation? Did he give her breaks from her inordinately duty filled life? Did he notice she did not have any friends? Did he buy her things as tokens of his affection? When he came home did he take her on outings as a couple?

6. Do his parents appreciate her for her selflessness and devotion? Or do they complain to him constantly about her slip ups for which he does not support her? In other words does he respect his parents more than how they treat her to tell them that they are wrong? (I have seen many a strained relations between husbands and wives on this regard of the sons not sticking up for their wives even when the parents are wrong).

7. Why did he suggest a psychiatric evaluation for her, without admitting that he may also need one? Did he suggest marriage counseling? Who put him up to telling his wife to go to a psychiatrist? His parents?

If your friend honestly answers these questions, he will find the cause he is looking for. It seems to me that if it were a more 'selfish' lady, she would have walked out on him long ago. I fully agree with Sri Kunjuppu Ji's and Sri Nara Ji's words here. Seems like he has taken her for granted one too many times.

Just my two cents........

Regards,
KRS

 

[kr subramanian]

Respected KRS
The decision to take out of town job was taken by themall. Even though his wife wasreluctant they were of the opinion that out of town job will be only for three years and then he can be back , But in his case(Rather batch of transfer) it so happened that he was forced to stay away for so many years.
2. She was already having a job. The salary was given to him on the day and he used to look after the expenses. Only after his transfer she has to take of financial matters also. Being parents of two daughters they wanted tosave money. Also their chidlren`s study had a major role in keeping her in the home town.
3. Cannot answer as I do not know,
4.Generally my friend is not so much expressive He will be doing his duties with sincerety and is full of love to her and his children.
5.Outing was out of question due to his parents condition. Also he is coming for a short period of leave sodo not want to go out. His children`s study another factor.
6His parents has not critised that much. But you still can expect something from a motherinlaw of a brahmin girl. Moreover having only son and being possessive to him - well you can imagine the situation. But his wife was caring sincere and had no complaint . Well she had no cokplaint of anything so far. Only in the last couple of years her attitude has changed that also towards her husband. Being close friends even we havenot heard anything told against her inlaws by her
7. My friend had notthought of his going to a psychatric alone. He was preapred even for a joint counselling but she was adamant not to go.

 

[kr subramanian]

Respected KRS
The decision to take out of town job was taken by themall. Even though his wife wasreluctant they were of the opinion that out of town job will be only for three years and then he can be back , But in his case(Rather batch of transfer) it so happened that he was forced to stay away for so many years.
2. She was already having a job. The salary was given to him on the day and he used to look after the expenses. Only after his transfer she has to take of financial matters also. Being parents of two daughters they wanted tosave money. Also their chidlren`s study had a major role in keeping her in the home town.
3. Cannot answer as I do not know,
4.Generally my friend is not so much expressive He will be doing his duties with sincerety and is full of love to her and his children.
5.Outing was out of question due to his parents condition. Also he is coming for a short period of leave sodo not want to go out. His children`s study another factor.
6His parents has not critised that much. But you still can expect something from a motherinlaw of a brahmin girl. Moreover having only son and being possessive to him - well you can imagine the situation. But his wife was caring sincere and had no complaint . Well she had no cokplaint of anything so far. Only in the last couple of years her attitude has changed that also towards her husband. Being close friends even we havenot heard anything told against her inlaws by her
7. My friend had notthought of his going to a psychatric alone. He was preapred even for a joint counselling but she was adamant not to go.

 

[RVR]

Sri Kunjuppu sir, My views are in blue.

good point venkat.

i feel the father would not go for it, for fear of losing face. the family 'matter' goes from daughters to in-laws and that would be a no-no. unless you have very sympathetic in-laws who might want to step in to help. that is possible.

I eanestly feel both the parents will listen to the children. Children will keep the secret from their spouses also. I have seen in many families children pacifying the parents. Parents will also open out with their children with their feelings.

i am quite sure, one or both of the daughters must be aware something is wrong. it is said that the mother-daughter bond is the strongest bond between any two human beings.

Not only mother- daughter but even father-daughter bond is also very close. Nowadays, both parents consult their children for all major decisions.

it is a complex situation considering our social mores and how much we prize our பஹுமானம். the key to resolution, i think, ultimately is the husband. whether he can rise up to it is the question.

You are absolutely correct. Ultimately both husband and wife have to resolve the issues within themselves and there is nothing wrong if the husband gives up all his ego and even offer apologies to his wife for any possible wrong doings.

All the best