[FONT="]Types and Definitions of an Accountant [/FONT]
[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What is an accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand at a price you can't afford. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What is the definition of an introverted accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
Someone who stares at their shoes when talking to you. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What is the definition of an extroverted accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
Someone who stares at YOUR shoes when talking to you. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]There are 3 types of accountant[/FONT][FONT="]
Those who can count and those who can't. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What's a shy and retiring accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
One that's half-a-million shy and that's why he's retiring. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Did you hear about the constipated CFO?[/FONT][FONT="]
He couldn't budget with his calculator so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?[/FONT][FONT="]
Lost. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What do you call an accountant without a calculator?[/FONT][FONT="]
Lonely. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
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[FONT="]Accountant Behaviour [/FONT]
[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What do accountants do to liven up their office party ?[/FONT][FONT="]
Invite a Funeral Director. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]How was copper wire invented?[/FONT][FONT="]
2 accountants were arguing over a penny (normally it is made with copper). [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]How does an accountant trash his/her hotel room?[/FONT][FONT="]
By refusing to fill in the Guest Comment Card. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Why do accountants get excited at the weekends?[/FONT][FONT="]
Because they can wear causal clothes to work. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]How do accountants make a bold fashion statement?[/FONT][FONT="]
Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What does an accountant's husband ask his wife when he can't get to sleep?[/FONT][FONT="]
"Tell me about your day, dear." [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.[/FONT][FONT="]
"Oh my God!" said the woman. "What shall I do?"
"Marry an accountant," suggested the doctor.
"Why?" asked the woman. "Will that make me live longer?"
"No," replied the doctor. "But it will SEEM longer."[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]An accountant was having difficulty trying to sleep and went to the doctor.[/FONT][FONT="]
"Have you tried counting sheep?" asked the doctor.
"That's the problem," replied the accountant. "I make a mistake and then spend 6 hours trying to find it".[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Why are accountants always so calm, composed and methodical? [/FONT][FONT="]
They have strong Internal Controls. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What's the closest accountants gets to having an orgy? [/FONT][FONT="]
Group Accounting. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Which clients do short accountants like best? [/FONT][FONT="]
Small businessmen. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What disease kills more accountants than any other?[/FONT][FONT="]
TB. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What do you call an accountant who can't account?[/FONT][FONT="]
An ant. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What do you call an accountant who can't count?[/FONT][FONT="]
An acant. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What do cannibal accountants do at their Office Christmas Dinner?
[/FONT][FONT="]Toast their clients.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT]
[FONT="]Receptionist:[/FONT][FONT="] "There's an invisible client in reception".
Accountant: "Tell them I'm sorry but I can't see them today."[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT]
[FONT="]Patient:[/FONT][FONT="] "Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye."
30 seconds later... "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me."[/FONT][FONT="]
Doctor: "Mmm. Sounds like double entry." [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]There are just 2 rules for creating a successful accountancy business:[/FONT][FONT="]
1. Don't tell them everything you know. 2. Tell everything what you don’t know[/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What does an accountant do to liven up an office party?[/FONT][FONT="]
Not show up. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]"Doctor, doctor, I've taken the medicine you prescribed but it's not working. What should I do?"[/FONT][FONT="]
"Try using your calculator."
"How will that help?"
"I'm not sure, but it's something you can count on". [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What do you call a Financial Controller who always works through lunch, takes 2 days holiday every 2 years, is in the office every weekend and leaves every night after 10pm?[/FONT][FONT="]
Work shy and a skiver. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]How do you know when an accountant's having a mid-life crisis?[/FONT][FONT="]
He gets a faster calculator. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What happens when you lock a wild hyena and an accountant in a room?[/FONT][FONT="]
The hyena stops laughing. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Accountants and Other Professions [/FONT]
[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What's an actuary?[/FONT][FONT="]
An accountant without the sense of humour. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]How do actuaries spice up their office parties?[/FONT][FONT="]
They invite an accountant. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Insolvency [/FONT]
[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What is the definition of an insolvency practitioner?[/FONT][FONT="]
Someone who arrives after the battle, bayonets all the wounded, pawns their possessions and charges their time to the relatives. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What's grey and not there?[/FONT][FONT="]
An accountant on vacation. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Did you hear about the deviant Forensic Accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
He got his client's charges reduced from gross indecency to net indecency. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Did you hear about the cannibal CPA?[/FONT][FONT="]
She charges an arm and a leg. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Did you hear about the blonde Management Accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
She went to see her fitness trainer to talk about stretch targets. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke [/FONT][FONT="]How did the blonde CFO die?[/FONT][FONT="]
She electrocuted herself using Powerpoint (in actual sense it is a computer program for business presentations in a company). [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Why did the Irish bookkeeper go bust? [/FONT][FONT="]
A library opened next door. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Did you hear about the fraudulent Irish Finance Director?[/FONT][FONT="]
He burnt his office down trying to cook the books.[/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke : [/FONT][FONT="]What do you call a Group Financial Controller who's lost his job?[/FONT][FONT="]
Bob. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke : [/FONT][FONT="]Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
No. Me neither. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke : [/FONT][FONT="]What do you call an accountant who says he's posted a one-sided journal?[/FONT][FONT="]
A liar!! Under Sarbox rules it just can't happen! Can it??!! [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke : [/FONT][FONT="]What do you call an accountant with an opinion? [/FONT][FONT="]
An auditor.[/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What is the 1 Golden Rule for passing Accounting exams?[/FONT][FONT="]
Don't make any silly mistrakes! [/FONT]
[FONT="]Tax Jokes[/FONT]
[FONT="]Tax Accountant [/FONT]
[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What is Father Christmas's tax status?[/FONT][FONT="]
Elf-employed. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Did you hear about the cannibal Tax Accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
She charges an arm and a leg. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What do cannibal tax advisors do after their office Christmas Dinner?[/FONT][FONT="]
Toast their clients. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, that medicine you gave me isn't working. Is there anything else I could try?".[/FONT][FONT="]
"Fill out this tax form," suggests the doctor.
"How's that going to help me?", asks the man.
"I'm not sure," replies the doctor, "but some of my patients say it gives them relief." [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What's the difference between a dead rat and a dead tax inspector found on the road?[/FONT][FONT="]
There are skid marks by the rat. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
The tax accountant - she make's more deductions. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]If a tax man and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?[/FONT]
[FONT="]I will run away from that place since I will be hanged by people for saving any one of them[/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]"Having a good tax accountant sort out my taxes saves me time - about 10 years in fact!!"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]How do you know you've got a good tax accountant?[/FONT][FONT="]
He's had a loophole named after him. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Why is Santa always so jolly when he comes to the UK?[/FONT][FONT="]
He can claim Gift Relief. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Why does Santa have an accountant in the USA?[/FONT][FONT="]
So he can avoid Gift Taxes. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]What does a Tax Accountant do to liven up the office party[/FONT][FONT="]
Not show up. [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]Two junior doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital. A senior consultant had to pull them apart.[/FONT][FONT="]
"What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.
"It's the Tax Inspector in C ward," said one.
"He's only got 2 days to live."
"He had to be told." said the second doctor.
"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!" [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]A woman opens her front door to find a solemn, grey-suited man standing there.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]"Are you Mrs Taylor?", asks the man.[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Why, yes? what's wrong?", replies the lady, becoming concerned.[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?", offers the man.[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Oh my God...the bad news. Tell me the bad news!"[/FONT]
[FONT="]"I'm very sorry madam," he says in a calm voice," but there's been a terrible accident. Your husband...he's been killed by a lorry....there are bits of him all over the street - it's terrible!"[/FONT]
[FONT="]"No, NO NO!!!!!", screams the wife in despair. After a few minutes she regains her composure and asks quietly. "And what's the good news?"[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Well, the GOOD NEWS is....you're now entitled to the Widow's Bereavement Allowance!" replies the man, her face lighting up. Tehn he says that "I'm from the Tax Office, and have brought the forms you need to fill in. May I come in?" [/FONT]
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[FONT="]Joke: [/FONT][FONT="]A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.[/FONT][FONT="]
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.
"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?!" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.
Prof.D.V.R.Rajakumar
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