Bad news for parents of marriageable boys

[rishikesan]

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Since both side parents had been useful to their respective Sons/ Daughters, for decades & also in their old age gladly visit U.S. & enjoy the Company for a few years.,Do;t they have the privilege to have a peaceful life with the moral support of Sons & daughters? Is it easy for the sons to avoid the responsibilities esp. in the Old age What is needed is internal affection regular TALK over phone Etc can easily please the parents getting older & older. Are we not aware of our Hindu Phylosophy Murpagal saida Vinai Pirpahal Vilayum ? BUT none of us will Curse others. Whatever said & done if the children ignore parents it is never Good for their upcoming generation.
Rishikesan

 

[krish44]

Dear all, You all have explained the factual position prevailing in the last about 10 years. Do we confirm that the Wife rules over her husband,, wherever She may live, in India or U.S. ? In our comments we conveniently forget about the Parents of both Boys & Girls? Can these parents jointly think of coming closer in the larger interest of entire families ? Because the reason that Parents do willingly visit to enjoy with the New- born, by taking turns. ,why not utilize the better relations& come up with their Jt. efforts to form a BRIDGE so that all the 4 & the grand children can enjoy by mutual visits in India.?
I wish that the members of this Forum, living in U.S & those in India, having practical experience for themselves come out with useful/ & workable/ Practical means to ensure unity of old parents on both sides.& have mutual co=operation , it can avoid desertion on one side & other side enjoying at their cost ?
Rishikesan

there are various models of cooperation between parents of boy and girl
example one one set of parents live with boy and girl . the other set of parents live closeby as close as next house or flat . they can share kitchen or looking after the grand children
another model both set of parents live in one floor of the house . son and wife live on another floor with children . common kitchen and servants
both these models are being implemented successfully in my extended family

 

[krish44]

Oh! Krish Sir,

Don't you really know that? It is an apartment in the same building or in the next street for girl's parents and may be

the next city or state for the boy's parents!

Now that many young guys are settled abroad, oldies have no other choice than to stay in their own house / flat or

in a good senior citizen's resort! :lol:

parents of boy should plan to out think the boy and daughter in law

it is my honest view that those who do not plan for worst case scenario and also ensue it does not happen are wise

parents should ensure economic independance for themselves first and should also ensureu

that physical inabilities are compensated by hiring servants and helps and paying them well

parents of girl should be absorbed in boys famlly suitably so that boys family is not affected. it only calls for some thinking to achieve a harmonious large family. it requires some planning and money.

boys parents should use their heads sensibly to become more inclusive and have some feelings for girls family . the need to give them a suitable role should be appreciated and attempt to absorb them into the overall family strucure lock stock and barrel can easily be achieved.

all this is possible only if boys parents plan and become economically strong to set terms to children and inlaws.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Krish Sir,

It is said that P S is the most important part of a lady's letter. Likewise, the last line of your post has the most important point.

all this is possible only if boys parents plan and become economically strong to set terms to children and inlaws

Most of the dependent parents suffer since it is NOT easy to get a d i l who will think her parent in-laws as her own parents!!

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish Sir,

It is said that P S is the most important part of a lady's letter. Likewise, the last line of your post has the most important point.

Most of the dependent parents suffer since it is NOT easy to get a d i l who will think her parent in-laws as her own parents!!

all parents who are old require physical proximity to children. most are dependent on pension which may not be high

the challenge is how to use the marginal money seniors have to create dependence of children on them.

Dil may have needs. in case of working women it can be someone who will be substitute parents. for .children. besides , these ladies need back up from their families. one way is to trade services of boys parents and marginal money for food and stay with children and use girls parents as a further back up

alternately stay separate with doles from children. every retired man has the protective instinct to have a few lakhs of deposit . this he should multiply using it as risk capital. for that the seniors should have appetite for taking risk.frankly I do not think it is very difficult to generate wealth with some seed capital to become financially viable in a few years.
frankly if children do not support , find people even strangers who have a need for services of senior people and trade with them for accomodation and food

I know people who have taken flats/houses on rent and partially sublet to recover the rent. they offer PG accomodation to single ladies. they feed the single ladies and cover their own food expenditure. you can live on minor seed capital pretty well.

there is a lot of oppurtunities for senior people . only one has to look around and have the will to live well independantly.
dependance on children is not wise.

well this has been my philosophy of living . I have never felt that there is shortage of money for anything.

 

[rishikesan]

Dear Krish44 & Mrs Raji Ram, I feel that we have spilled all ideas good side/Bad side etc. I thank Krish 44 has nicely summarised my view points related to Families of both Sons/ Daughters. I Quote "Boys Parents should use their heads sensibly & become more inclusive & have positive feelings for the Girl;s family. & absorb them into their fold. & create an overall Family structure --LOCK/Stock/& Barrel.
What has been said about the extended family of Krish 44 is an Exception. Since the present situations reflect the lack of co=ordination by the Elders to find a practical ideas as per the situation demandind --not to leave any of the core members in the LURCH ?
I wish that the Influential Members like Tks, Raji Ram, Krish44 & few residing in U.S ? Canada Mr.Sangom & others. Make Out a SLOGAN , based on the above Outcome & insist the Administration headed by our LEADER Mr Praveen & get the same Popularized as he would deem fit .

Rishikesan
,

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Rishi Sir,

You always think of doing something good to our society and it is great. But just by writing in forum, I don't think we can achieve

anything! It is a fact and you have to accept it. Generally people are becoming more self centered and sacrifices for family's sake

is decreasing. 'Living life to the fullest' seems to be the slogan of youngsters and hence parents should learn to live within their

means. 'Waste not; want not' is the best way to live a peaceful life!

 

[sarang]

In the days of yore we had our parents and gurus and acharyas to guide us and tell us what is right, dharmic and essential. A person without these links will do as his desires propel him. But they who belong to some satsang, traditional matams, or their modern equivalents art of living, sivananda, ramakrishna or even asaram bapu and participate in their prayer, camp or religious/ social/service activities, get the benefit of advice and support from the guru when facing dilemmas. I have come across instances of sons having a long list of grievances against their parents, but transformed in a second when advised by their guru, to forget, make up and invite parents for extended stays. Many a time the advice is not important, but who gives it transforms. Parents must do their part - instill the right values from childhood; and the young and old adults must search and find a guru to guide them.

We have to learn our culture and learn to live by dharma; giving more importance to dharma than laws. USA is a law abiding country, has 5% of world's population, but 25% of world's prisoners (over 2 million). How to reinvent our dharma based society is the challenge, though christian law based society is propagated by the western mindset social scientists. Good news is there is an awareness and initiative to remove the dust heaped on our culture through the education system.

First step is to encourage adults to participate in any 'hindu mission' activities.

Dear Rishi Sir,

You always think of doing something good to our society and it is great. But just by writing in forum, I don't think we can achieve

anything! It is a fact and you have to accept it. Generally people are becoming more self centered and sacrifices for family's sake

is decreasing. 'Living life to the fullest' seems to be the slogan of youngsters and hence parents should learn to live within their

means. 'Waste not; want not' is the best way to live a peaceful life!

 

[krish44]

Dear Rishi Sir,

You always think of doing something good to our society and it is great. But just by writing in forum, I don't think we can achieve

anything! It is a fact and you have to accept it. Generally people are becoming more self centered and sacrifices for family's sake

is decreasing. 'Living life to the fullest' seems to be the slogan of youngsters and hence parents should learn to live within their

means. 'Waste not; want not' is the best way to live a peaceful life!

madam
as usual your last line appears to be the most critical

senior citizens can also adopt the philosophy of living life to the fullest and there is no sense in any denial of fulfillment of

want.at fag end of life one must live well.we seniors can find with our experience how to raise resources for good living.

On not wasting you might have a point for all. I am a strong supporter of recycling everything from food to all material

items.

frankly I think middle class seniors can easily reach out to next generation and inlaws and hammer out a working living

arrangement acceptable to families of boy and the girl[dil].

most people are reasonable . if their legitimate needs are met

they will cooperate.

most people should learn to give first before expecting returns. always give more than what people expect. also I have

accepted services from people instead of money if they are financially stressed. so far I have only gained with my

philosophy of reaching out to all.if one or two do not come upto expectations one can always write it off as a bad

experience. but it is not wise to lose faith in other human beings.

 

[Raji Ram]

madam
as usual your last line appears to be the most critical........

Yes! My friends in another forum call it 'punch line'!

 

[vgane]

I feel the best way is for the son-daughter to get both their parents & go for a collaborative model..When both are single kids to their parents, it becomes very simple..I have seen one of close friend having parents at home & his inlaws a few houses away..Common food is prepared & shared..And privacy is also taken care of

When parents have more than 1 kid, then they have to decide where to live..Because of this confusion in their minds they stay put in their own homes..With this they have to shuttle between their kids houses & their own which is a big drain on their energies..Here Parents need to take a final call & settle where their heart is (& not go as per the mind)..They need to live life fully and happily during their old age..Procrastination of this decision may turn out to be a mental trauma and affect them psychologically!

 

[tbs]

hi

generally many brahmin problems ONLY IN THE MIDDLE CLASS....higher income brahmin never bothers...lower income try to survive....

ONLY MIDDLE INCOME BRAHMIN FAMILIES HAS ALL THESE KIND OF PROBLEMS....NEITHER TO ACCEPT NOR TO REJECT...

 

[krish44]

I feel the best way is for the son-daughter to get both their parents & go for a collaborative model..When both are single kids to their parents, it becomes very simple..I have seen one of close friend having parents at home & his inlaws a few houses away..Common food is prepared & shared..And privacy is also taken care of

When parents have more than 1 kid, then they have to decide where to live..Because of this confusion in their minds they stay put in their own homes..With this they have to shuttle between their kids houses & their own which is a big drain on their energies..Here Parents need to take a final call & settle where their heart is (& not go as per the mind)..They need to live life fully and happily during their old age..Procrastination of this decision may turn out to be a mental trauma and affect them psychologically!

Vgane sir
It is to be realised that senior citizen after retirement have less money and physically weaker. It is better to be ruled by head than heart. It is best to stay near any sibling if not with them . they can offer their services like baby sitting or looking after school going children for.. their siblings in return for finance and medical care if required. in single girl child families , girls have to take care of parents .It is best that they are placed close to girls house.
If there is a choice, seniors can be independent in their own flats/ homes with servants to support them . alternate go near one of the children ,and trade services for finance.Here they have to be guided by cold economics and not sentiment.

 

[Raji Ram]

Situation song: (since money plays an important role in relationships!!)

​No Money No Honey (Vaanam) (Tamil)

 

[vgane]

Vgane sir
It is to be realised that senior citizen after retirement have less money and physically weaker. It is better to be ruled by head than heart. It is best to stay near any sibling if not with them . they can offer their services like baby sitting or looking after school going children for.. their siblings in return for finance and medical care if required. in single girl child families , girls have to take care of parents .It is best that they are placed close to girls house.
If there is a choice, seniors can be independent in their own flats/ homes with servants to support them . alternate go near one of the children ,and trade services for finance.Here they have to be guided by cold economics and not sentiment.

Dear Krish Sir,

When I meant use the heart to decide where you want to stay, I meant if there are 2 sons go the place where you are wanted and loved..So as per heart you may like to live with the younger one though mind says that you should live with the elder one..Hope I have explained myself!

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish Sir,

When I meant use the heart to decide where you want to stay, I meant if there are 2 sons go the place where you are wanted and loved..So as per heart you may like to live with the younger one though mind says that you should live with the elder one..Hope I have explained myself!

I understand your view point. positioning of seniors depends on cold logic Basically who wants seniors services and marginal finance for their stability and security. normally it is better for seniors not to live with a son who is financially stable and has grown up children . they have no need for seniors as they are not vulnerable .so there is every possibility that seniors will get neglected if they join such a son for living their twilight years

any decision made on sentiment or protocol leads to misery.

 

[tbs]

I understand your view point. positioning of seniors depends on cold logic Basically who wants seniors services and marginal finance for their stability and security. normally it is better for seniors not to live with a son who is financially stable and has grown up children . they have no need for seniors as they are not vulnerable .so there is every possibility that seniors will get neglected if they join such a son for living their twilight years

any decision made on sentiment or protocol leads to misery.

hi sir

i agreed with u....its reality too...