...We are a global community now like it or not and it may be fair to say that for a majority of tambram families, we have someone outside of india. It would also be fair to say, that as of tambram heritage, those of us who participate here, do so out of interest and care. I have participated in this forum for a few years now, and it is the first time I have been told by a fellow participant that certain topics are ‘none of my business’.
There seems to be a wide gap between the view points of members living abroad and those here in India. First and foremost, your assumption that
"for a majority of tambram families, we have someone outside of india" may be technically true; but that someone is not a son or daughter for very many tambram families even now. I don't know whether you will agree. I joined this forum in this May and for quite sometime the active participation was from a few members who had no problems in adopting and adapting to the ways in which most of our overseas members as also those in the metropolises of India, live. It appears to me that roughly, subsequent to the last Naveena Swayamvaram, many members have started taking active interest in the discussions here. I find that they try to project the cares and worries of the less privileged sections of our tambram society. (Honourable members please forgive me, I do not intend any disrespect to any one.) Since I am in a position to know at close quarters how different are the worlds of these two sections, I am able to empathize with the sentiments expressed by them also. To me it appears that this forum which was for the elites, so to say, has now become more broad-based. What passes off as good and enviable guidelines for the former is very much out of the world for the latter.
As an example, let us consider your advice that,
"The tambram girls will continue to chose grooms outside of caste, as long as our boys are brought up as bookish nerds. Nowadays one needs to be more than that, and many many of our boys excel in their grooming and sports. Panache, style, charm all goes into the sport of finding mates – whether it be love or arranged.". Are we aware that there are still very many tambram families in, say, Chennai itself who are not fortunate enough to spend what will be required to groom say two sons to the standards cited above? It is easy to give such advice. But empty purses will not be able to achieve most of the things like excellence in sports, grooming of the standard needed to charm a mate. Since education is essential and a boy with purely charm, grooming, panache and the axe-effect, will also fail to trap his mate (except for one-night stands perhaps) the foolish parents spend what little they can on the son's education. The boys probably become more study-oriented in order to secure admission to professional colleges, at lower costs. The girls get free education and even with minimum expenses for make-up, beauty parlours, etc., they have the natural advantage of being the centres of attraction for the boys.
Advising the very many less fortunate members of our community about solutions which will really be out of their ability to implement, is not correct I think. I request you to introspect and find out whether you
really had such poorer people in mind while writing your posts or whether you thought that all tambrams are like you and your more well-off relatives back in India.
If we consider this forum as a microcosm of our community, what did we do?
- We had a swayamvaram and I suspect while a few marriages were arranged, compared to the number of boy particpants, the success rate for these was below expectations.
We stopped the swayamvaram and suggested that we try other Brahmin communities. Yes there are 5 crore Brahmins in india, but I do not see any of them lining up marry our 30+ years boys.
It is true that other brahmin communities have not lined-up. but why should we presume that the effort is not worth it? It may bring results in due course. In the meanwhile individual cases will find out their own solutions whether it be icm, not seeing horoscopes, or any such methods.
I do not see the trend of any posts advocating ic marriages per se. only that if the girl so prefers, let it be. Not one of NRI posters is pushing ic marriages. I think those who believe that, like to believe it. All is said, is to consider ic marriages as a quick fix to a very grave need. That too, in the absence of any other immediately soluble viable alternatives.
Here I think a mix-up happened in the thread on "Brahmin girls marrying NB boys". All that was said in a general tone went to mean only about girls getting married ic. There should have been another thread specifically to show that this advice and quick fix was being given for the problem of boys not getting girls; it had been discussed in detail earlier in another thread relating to icm, I think, when I had just joined this forum.
I echo KRS’ view that our community in india appears to be in a ‘trisangu sorgam’, unwilling to change with the times, and unable to give up the past and finding succour in neither.
I do not know what makes you conclude that tambram community is in trisanku swargam. Do you really feel that they are unwilling to change with the times? If so what is it that they should do? Pl. take into account that I am talking here of average lower middle class families with about Rs.10,000/= to Rs. 15,000/= per month income, rent of about 3000/= to Rs. 4000/=, two children and parents, staying in Chennai.
In today’s world, the tambram woman is close enough to the tambram male. In many families, thanks to the small size, there is/are only girls. They will and rightfully should not revert to the status of what their mothers were. Even if someone tries to turn back the clock, it will not happen. This is the fundamental truth.
When such truths are openly expressed, I can understand that those that are adversely impacted by it, to put it mildly, disagree. I understand their anguish, but I think these needs to move on, and adapt to the changing community attitudes and profiles.
Sir, there are many families in which the father did not have a job which ensured a pension or some similar retirement benefit. Still, in the desire to give a good future to the son the parents spent their entire earnings in bringing him up and educating. Their only hope for their old age was the son. But after marriage, the treatment meted out to them was so humiliating and the son was voiceless in front of his wife, that ultimately they end up in an orphanage. There is not one case but many. (FYI, one of the grand daughters of cp is also in one such orphanage.) I would request you to kindly come on some two months' leave to India, visit some of the orphanages and low-cost old age homes, meet with the tambram inmates there and then frame your policies.
The account does not end with this. Of course, this is also not individual case. There are many homes, comparatively richer, where the old parents are relegated to either the top floor or ground floor (depending upon which suits the dil) and they have to live separately, separate cooking, fending for themselves as if they have rented out the other floor. You might say it is all because the mil is bad. But then how can so many mils be so bad? Kindly look at what is going on in the tambram community here. That is why I said there is a wide gulf between the tambram whom you imagine and the real tambrams in flesh and blood.
Sorry, if I have hurt the sentiments of anybody. But I did not know any other way to put these across to our esteemed members who are abroad.
The unmarried boys will remain unmarried, and their numbers will increase. The tambram girls will continue to chose grooms outside of caste, as long as our boys are brought up as bookish nerds. Nowadays one needs to be more than that, and many many of our boys excel in their grooming and sports. Panache, style, charm all goes into the sport of finding mates – whether it be love or arranged. Otherwise, these can try to find brides outside – Brahmins from other states, and to date, I have not seen, after so many months any rush to line up for this search.
This looks like a prophesy. Can it not become false? I will hope so.
Even though we live outside of india, we consider ourselves part of the tambram heritage, and I think, it is only proper that we give perspectives. There may not be much audience for that here, but I suspect there is a wider reading public for this forum, who may consider it useful.
Yes, definitely there are people who are adopting the western style and ideas. they will find this quite stimulating. But then it is better to rename this forum as something like "www. affluentbrahmins.com"
If we do not change to fit in with the times, time will force us to change or be annihilated. For our community, how we deal with challenges of changes brought by female education and liberation, at this point, the poll is still open.
Hope this explain.. Thank you.
With all humility at my command let me say that none of us can assert that such and such a thing
will happen. Nature's ways are mysterious and unfathomable. Why not we, as sincere tambrams, hope that a glorious future awaits us despite the many omissions and commissions we may be doing now?
) 
, let me assure you sir, however much I try, I will never be able to stymie anything people want to do. All I can do is give my perspective on the issue. The action of people will depend on many factors and this may figure as one of the factors only to the extent they themselves feel is important.
