Early marriage

[Ramacchandran]

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This day I was chating with one of my friends who is having a daughter of 18 years and said he wish to get her marriage soon. I advised him it is too early for girl of 18 years. But he said, the rate of gold silver are going up for every hour, the price of foods are also going up. The educating the girl also going up up and up. Even if he educate the girl she is going to earn for others. He said he will conduct the marriage in a temple hall and later on arrange for a reception at the expenses of the groom's side. When I said he may not get a boy earning Rs30,000 P.M., at the age of 22 (During which time he will be just out of his collage) and looking for a job he didn't answer.
May I request our members to share their views in this matter.

 

[sangom]

This day I was chating with one of my friends who is having a daughter of 18 years and said he wish to get her marriage soon. I advised him it is too early for girl of 18 years. But he said, the rate of gold silver are going up for every hour, the price of foods are also going up. The educating the girl also going up up and up. Even if he educate the girl she is going to earn for others. He said he will conduct the marriage in a temple hall and later on arrange for a reception at the expenses of the groom's side. When I said he may not get a boy earning Rs30,000 P.M., at the age of 22 (During which time he will be just out of his collage) and looking for a job he didn't answer.
May I request our members to share their views in this matter.

Dear Shri Ramacchandran,

I presume this friend is a tabra. If so, in the present conditions he will be able to get an alliance for his daughter and the husband's side may even be prepared to educate the girl further. One of my NB acquaintances has given his marriage to the son of very well-placed parents. The girl is studying engg and the boy's side has arranged for transfer to a college in TN (from Kerala) and have told that she may study further or go for a job or even assist her husband and fil in their very lucrative business. The only negative point - from the tabra pov - might be that the husband is in business, not salaried. But I understand that even in the IT, the CTC (cost to company) principles are ruling and there is no permanency for jobs.

 

[B Suresh Kumar]

Dear Ramachandran,
I dont think that your friend had read the present situation well. The girls eduaction are the order of the day. An educated girl gets campus placement and earns a very handsome salary which will take of all the fear of cost expressed by your friend. Today the well employed girls are dictating terms for the boy and I will not be surprised if the boys side start giving dowry to the girls side in the near future.
So it is better your friend educates his daughter and think of her marriage after few years.

 

[kunjuppu]

ramacc,,

i think your friend needs to re examine his attitude towards his daughter, her education and also the current marriage situation.

if he looks upon the girl as a 'burden' whose sole purpose in life is to marry, take care of the inlaws and husbands, and procreate, God help her, if she has to live with it.

if he looks upon her as a jewel, to be nourished and tendered with care, love for a fulfilling life, he should invest in her, the same as he would invest in a son.

there is no fear that he has to spend money for weddings. the daughter can earn the money for her own wedding, as my wife did. or to be in tune with today, ask the boy's side to pay for it.

good girls are jewels and sought after by so many boys' families. with this attitude he has, i fear, she will only land in gutter. sorry to say that.

 

[mraghavan]

As a Western-raised member of this forum, I am stunned at the level of crass materialism that fills the mind of what is supposed to be Brahmin-oriented forum. I know several Westerners who married at a young age and have remained happily married even in this culture of rampant divorce. Perhaps marrying younger will give the young people a chance to grow and experience life together, making their bond stronger and less susceptible to failure. The girl can educate herself even after marriage if she and her husband feel it would be helpful. And, with today's salaries in India, I am sure that he can settle into a job quite easily.

 

[Ramacchandran]

Now the one man says the Guru palan has come and his Guru advised the father to arrange for the early marriage of the girl. Now a days we can see more ads seeking for grooms at early stage. Some mail that I received says they are afraid the girl may fall in love with a person not acceptable by parents.So they prefer early marriage. The present days the medias are broadcasting more flesh exposers that attracts youngsters to commit mistakes. So to escape this the fathers of few girls prefers early marriage. At the age of 16 or 18 the girl may fall in love which is identified as calf love. If she comes out of this she will withstand for long.

 

[sangom]

As a Western-raised member of this forum, I am stunned at the level of crass materialism that fills the mind of what is supposed to be Brahmin-oriented forum. I know several Westerners who married at a young age and have remained happily married even in this culture of rampant divorce. Perhaps marrying younger will give the young people a chance to grow and experience life together, making their bond stronger and less susceptible to failure. The girl can educate herself even after marriage if she and her husband feel it would be helpful. And, with today's salaries in India, I am sure that he can settle into a job quite easily.

Shri Raghavan,

I do not think the comments are because of "materialism" but the povs of different members. Having said that, I agree with your idea also. But each case has to be looked at individually. In this case we don't know much about the girl, her parents, their financial position, cultural orientation, and what type of groom they would prefer. If, by chance, the groom and his family tend to be conservative in their outlook and feel, getting a male child is the first agenda item, that will decide the girl's future in one way. In India such conditions still exist.

 

[sangom]

Now a days we can see more ads seeking for grooms at early stage. Some mail that I received says they are afraid the girl may fall in love with a person not acceptable by parents.So they prefer early marriage. The present days the medias are broadcasting more flesh exposers that attracts youngsters to commit mistakes. So to escape this the fathers of few girls prefers early marriage. At the age of 16 or 18 the girl may fall in love which is identified as calf love. If she comes out of this she will withstand for long.

Dear Ramac,

I don't think girls are so much influenced by "flesh exposer" males. On the contrary, tabra girls seem to take to love marriage as more a statement of their individuality. They want to emphasize that they are not just marketable "commodity" to be given to people selected within the parameters of their parents. So, unless we get a clearer picture about the girl and her family - as I have written in my post above to Shri Raghavan - it may not be correct to offer any suggestion.

 

[kunjuppu]

As a Western-raised member of this forum, I am stunned at the level of crass materialism that fills the mind of what is supposed to be Brahmin-oriented forum. I know several Westerners who married at a young age and have remained happily married even in this culture of rampant divorce. Perhaps marrying younger will give the young people a chance to grow and experience life together, making their bond stronger and less susceptible to failure. The girl can educate herself even after marriage if she and her husband feel it would be helpful. And, with today's salaries in India, I am sure that he can settle into a job quite easily.

Dear mrag,

I think our arranged marriages are full of ‘crass materialism’. To the core.

There is no place for the heart or feelings in most such instances. Let us go back 20 years and previously.

The groom side sat on their butts, while the poor girls’ dad literally roamed the country side in search of a groom. Normally he gathered a list and viewed the suitability re finance, status, boys’ job. Only if these were up to par, did he proceed to the next step of jadhaga porutham.

After the poNN paarkkal, came the ‘negotiations’. Yes that was the very word used.

The grooms side dreq up a list: How much dowry, jewellery, saris, paathrams, bed, scooter or car, watch, honey moon trip, set up of a clinic if the groom is a doctor, and so the list went on.

The bride’s side tried to whittle this down and if the final results fell within a bandwidth acceptable to both, ONLY then the marriage process went into the next stage.

Other factors influencing the decisions were: for an unusually good case (same word used ‘case’), the bride’s father even borrowed money to fulfil the groom’s side demands; the grooms side ‘stepped down’ if they were sufficiently wealthy and/or had a ‘sumaarana paiyyan’ qualification or complexion or characterwise, or if the bride was a beauty.

I could go on. Probably you could too.

Compared to this, I think, marriage contracted by western youth, is a little more simple in context. Or maybe not?

 

[kunjuppu]

Sangom,

In instances of my relatives who had fears with their son, especially if he was going abroad, I had suggested that he be married prior to departure to western lands.

100% times this was shot down, for various reasons. the boy just not ‘ready’, marriage will be ‘distraction’, what if the wife wanted to join him, and they cannot financially handle a household and so on, the arguments went.

Where it concerned the girls, I have not seen any parents with fears of their daughters going ‘astray’. In fact, I have approached such girls’ parents while abroad, for prospective grooms. Always I have been shunned off – ‘let her finish her PhD’ ‘let her get settled with her job’ etc..with the implication, that eventually the boy should be from the communting neighbourhood of where the girl has a job.

The situations all appear to be too fluid, to come up with a pattern. As you rightly suggested, each case, needs to be evaluated on its unique characterestics. Whatever it may be, it is a very fast changing period for our community, and as an observer from the margins, I am thoroughly enjoying, in addition to be fascinated at the ever changing greenery.

 

[Raghy]

This day I was chating with one of my friends who is having a daughter of 18 years and said he wish to get her marriage soon. I advised him it is too early for girl of 18 years. But he said, the rate of gold silver are going up for every hour, the price of foods are also going up. The educating the girl also going up up and up. Even if he educate the girl she is going to earn for others. He said he will conduct the marriage in a temple hall and later on arrange for a reception at the expenses of the groom's side. When I said he may not get a boy earning Rs30,000 P.M., at the age of 22 (During which time he will be just out of his collage) and looking for a job he didn't answer.
May I request our members to share their views in this matter.

Sri.Ramacchandran Sir,

Greetings. I liked your posting this thread. (not your friend's attitude though). For a girl 18 years, to get married is a mixed bag; her future purely depends upon her future husband and husband's family. I can't really speak against such a marriage; my own wife was barely 17 when we got married. Now, my daughter is 18; I don't see her marrying anyone in a hurry.

Personally such a marriage can be sensible to happen if and only if ...

The girl is in love with someone and would continue career developments after marriage. It is no big deal, really; I know so many couples hitched together in high school and continue to study together to achieve great careers. Some of the kids have sought my advice now and again too. So, it can happen.

Your friend may be overwhelmed with the responsibility attached to bringing up a daughter. Not all the persons are cut out to do it in Indian society. There are persons who do not trust their daughters. Your friend needs to have more open and quality time and conversations with his daughter. It is quite possible, your friend may not be financially sound; but that should not be a reason for a hasty wedding...there could be expenses in the future; anything can happen.

I wish all the very best for your friend and his daughter.

Cheers!

 

[Ramacchandran]

The western side of my place a family is living. They have two daughters the elder one was 23 and younger one was 18. The Akka and sister fell in love with two boys who are friends. The sisters waited till the younger one completed 18 and the day she completed 18 both of them ran away from home. The well known person of mine gave shelter and when the Sun was rising on her 19th birthday they were in a church and got married! After two days the boy's side informed the parents of the girls that the girls married and sooo sssooooo!

My friend who knows this met the girls father after 6 months who was sick. Since he also has a girl child he doesn't want this to happen in his family and the environments push him to take the decision. The friends of these girls also kept mum all these days even though they know that the girls are making an escape at 9 PM.

 

[sangom]

The western side of my place a family is living. They have two daughters the elder one was 23 and younger one was 18. The Akka and sister fell in love with two boys who are friends. The sisters waited till the younger one completed 18 and the day she completed 18 both of them ran away from home. The well known person of mine gave shelter and when the Sun was rising on her 19th birthday they were in a church and got married! After two days the boy's side informed the parents of the girls that the girls married and sooo sssooooo!

My friend who knows this met the girls father after 6 months who was sick. Since he also has a girl child he doesn't want this to happen in his family and the environments push him to take the decision. The friends of these girls also kept mum all these days even though they know that the girls are making an escape at 9 PM.

Shri Ramacc,

If I have understood the position correctly, your friend who is now thinking of marriage for his 18 year old daughter, helped two sisters to get married to the boys they loved. Perhaps he has double standards. Having helped the sisters he should permit his daughter also to marry a boy of her liking, as long as there is radically unsatisfactory about him (habits, crime record, bad company, waster, jobless, womaniser and so on) and if the boy is capable of looking after the girl faithfully.

If as father of the girl he finds any unsatisfactory characteristic in the boy, he should openly discuss it with her and in case she insists try making her understand that life is not so simple. If still the girl insists he has to yield.

 

[kunjuppu]

ramac,

my sympathies for the father. there is no way to say why girls elope.

sometimes parents are so removed from their children's confidence, for very many reasons, too complex, sensitive or touchy to discuss here, yes, they are the last persons to know what's going on in their children's minds.

had they told the father that they wish to marry the christians, would the father have agreed? same thing happened when i was young, in my own neighbourhood.

it was a tambram family, and the girl eloped with a christian boy who was renting a flat in the next house. here the parents offered to marry her under our traditions, but the boy refused. the sad fact is that the girl moved next door to her mother.

i always wondered how it must have felt, for both the daughter and the mother. the tambram neighbours sympathized, but i think the family impacted felt the loss of 'face. the lady mother never smiled again, sold the house, and soon moved out of the neighbourhood.

i don't know, if it is better to talk these things to the children in detail and step through the consequences of their choices, but at the same time, giving them the confidence of unconditional love. i think the possession of knowledge, is a good tool for the girls or boys to evaluate the suitability of spouses.

the parents cannot simply put rules because they are parents. they need to take extra steps to explain, and get a buy in from their children. at the very least, if it is a ic or ir marriage, our children should be the stronger partner, insisting on our traditions. in most cases, these are abandoned by their parents, and hence seek refuge in the homes of the lovers.

your friend, better start talking love and kindness to his daughter, give her the confidence that comes out of love, and not insecurity that comes out the fear of the father. the biggest gift that a parent can earn from the child, is the sense of opening up and confiding. the parents need to work hard to being their children's best friends. tough. but possible.