Emotional Affairs

[renuka]

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I am pasting 2 links here which is a recent phenomenon which does have impact in lifes of many these days.

Its a phenomenon which some dont really take serioulsy cos it doesnt involve physical intimacy most of the time but some view it seriously cos its involves emotional and mental connection with a person either than the spouse.


read on and feed back please..its a rather unconventional topic but a phenomenon which some of us might already be in without realizing it cos even online emotional relationships come under this category.

Just view it as a recent phenomenon and in no way I am endorsing it or condemning it.

Emotional affair - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/emotionalaffairs/f/emotianlaffair.htm

 

[kunjuppu]

dear renu,

all of us who work outside the home, have indulged in emotional affairs, knowingly or otherwise. i think so.

there is a term coined 'work spouse' - the person of opposite sex with whom we are closely involved due to our work assignment.

till recently, a common example would be a female secretary to a male boss. right from collecting the boss' laundry to remind him to send flowers on mother's day, the said lady participated indirectly in all activities of the boss at home, and directly did so at work. such close was the relationship, that in many instances when the boss changed jobs, he took his secretary with him.

nowadays, it is most likely one's colleague as females have changed their work roles, for the better. in my opinion.

the work spouse has the best of us in many instances. we are always well groomed in front of each other, our behaviour is at best (most times), often we are intimate enough to exchange what is happening at home, for informative or feedback purposes and above all enjoy the company to the hilt.

there is always a danger of the work spouse slipping into an emotional affair, particularly if there is crisis and one tends to lean on the work spouse for support or succour. the person is readily available, and more often than not, willing to help.

having said this all, i am now asking you, why you have brought this up to our notice. what is the story behind this?

thank you.

 

[renuka]

dear renu,

all of us who work outside the home, have indulged in emotional affairs, knowingly or otherwise. i think so.

there is a term coined 'work spouse' - the person of opposite sex with whom we are closely involved due to our work assignment.

till recently, a common example would be a female secretary to a male boss. right from collecting the boss' laundry to remind him to send flowers on mother's day, the said lady participated indirectly in all activities of the boss at home, and directly did so at work. such close was the relationship, that in many instances when the boss changed jobs, he took his secretary with him.

nowadays, it is most likely one's colleague as females have changed their work roles, for the better. in my opinion.

the work spouse has the best of us in many instances. we are always well groomed in front of each other, our behaviour is at best (most times), often we are intimate enough to exchange what is happening at home, for informative or feedback purposes and above all enjoy the company to the hilt.

there is always a danger of the work spouse slipping into an emotional affair, particularly if there is crisis and one tends to lean on the work spouse for support or succour. the person is readily available, and more often than not, willing to help.

having said this all, i am now asking you, why you have brought this up to our notice. what is the story behind this?

thank you.

Dear Kunjs,

I see this many times even in my job where people tell me they can emotionally connect better with someone else either than their spouse and I was just wondering if this is still considered cheating.

Cos many of us these days spend more time on internet and actually spend less time in the real world.

See even in this forum, even though most of us havent met but still there is some unseen bond cos we are all sharing thoughts here.

So i was just wondering if its just some form of escapism for individuals who havent faced reality or does it really improve marriage cos each one of us have some inadequacies so what the spouse "lacks" can be made up by the emotionally connecting with the other individual and in that process marriage does not break up and divorces might not be necessary.

See like Idli is considered a complete protein food cos the rice and urad dhal on its own both lack certain amino acids but in combination they complement each other and its becomes a complete protein packed food.


See I am not talking about any physical relationship here its purely on sharing thoughts and interest which spouse might not like and share.
It might just even be a exchanging of thoughts on common topics like religion etc.

 

[kunjuppu]

renu,

for someone who is a very confused convoluted thinker that i am, i have surprisingly not given much thought to consider this internet 'cheating'.

my wife knows about my involvement here, and on occassions i show her the posts. also i have some friends made through the forum, whom i communicate separately via email. my spouse knows about that too.

her attitude is that i am 'addicted' to it, and pick up 'bad ideas'. ie by this she means, that my outlandish thinking on brahmins is reinforced by thoughts from here . even though she is an agnostic, she will abide by the community rules, as being part of the community for friendship is more important to her than mouthing some principles.

since everyone's kids here do their own thing, what they do and marry, is not an issue and no loss of face involved.

even though we speak anonymously, i think most of us, can carry on a facade only so much. sooner or later, our real self comes out, and either we click or don't.

to me personally, i enjoy expressing myself and enjoy the process of putting together sentences almost as rapidly as they come out of the brain. unless it is some serious topic, i seldom give it a second edit. so all in all, it is very much like thinnai paechu to me.

i am not here to learn, but i have learned. i am not here to preach, but people have accused me of preaching. i am not here to fight but i have fought - tooth and nail. but i am so pleased to say, i consider those that i fought, the best of my friends - some who have left the forum, i still am in touch just on account of that.

so, dear renu, i don't think there is any cheating. here if we are able to discuss stuff that we cannot discuss with our spouses, so what? you are a doctor and practise medicine. your spouse (let us say) does not. is it cheating?

 

[pannvalan]

Many extra-marital relationships begin as emotional bonding, with a view to fill up the vacuum/void that could not be otherwise filled up by the other life partner (spouse). But, in most of the cases, it ends in physical relationship (sex). Even though one of the two (male or female) initially hesitates or even protests, ultimately he/she is forced to yield to the overtures and advancements of the other person. That is very pathetic indeed, making mockery of the emotional friendship (why call it an affair?)

But, for satisfying one's emotional needs and wants, why a woman should look up to a male (other than her husband)? Why a man should look up to a female, other than his wife?

They can share their feelings, emotions and certain personal experiences with another person of the same gender, which is what friendship is all about.

 

[kunjuppu]

pann,

i think if there is a desire to have an affair outside of marriage, one does need to go through the level of emotional or any other bonding. one just has to pursue the desire till one strikes a goal.

having said that, i can understand your caution, as it appears, any friendship with the other gender, looks like 'playing with fire'.

unless one separates the genders completely like what is done in saudi arabia, i cannot foresee interaction between genders in the course of day to day life - especially if one seeks to have a career. part of your interaction involves expressing yourself and in a way, 'exposing' yourself.

i have found some of my best friends have been women, for the simple reason, they give a perspective of things, that men are unable or unwilling to.

your spouse should be your best friend. but is there anything wrong in making friends with folks from the other gender?

'intimacy' is a powerful word that can mean so much or as little as you desire. if to you intimacy is equivalent to 'sex', or 'leading to sex', maybe emotional intimacy is not for you. for you are unable to draw the line at the point where it transcends to the physical nature.

in these days, there are phonesex, cybersex and what not. are all of these violation of the marriage vows? because one should only practise such naughtiness only with one's spouse? pann would say 'yes'.

i don't know pann. i have no answers to many such things. people do it within marriage, and appear as happy together as ever. in other cases, even a look, let alone a smile to the opposite gender, is enough to cause a fight.

within the four walls of a marriage, it is tough for the outsider to decipher rights and wrongs. maybe we should leave it to the couple to draw their own boundaries, instead of extending ourselves with stern advice. that is my take on this.

thank you.

 

[pannvalan]

I just brooded on the phrase 'emotional intimacy' used in the Wikipedia.

I also checked the meaning of the term 'intimacy' as given in the Chamber's Dictionary.

'Intimacy' is the abstract noun form of the adjective 'intimate'. 'Intimate' means "innermost; internal; close; deep-seated; private; personal; closely acquainted; familiar; in a sexual relationship; engaging in sex; encouraging informality and closer personal relations through smallness, exclusiveness".

Usually, the term is used to describe 'too close' or 'too personal and exclusive' relationship between two or more persons.

In this kind of relationship, often a person is tempted to believe that all his/her emotional needs will be fulfilled by only one person,usually of the other gender. I have not so far come across a person getting his/her emotional needs and wants fulfilled through several persons. It is unworkable or even unthinkable. Because, no one wishes to share his/her private thoughts and experiences with more than one or two, at a time. May be, I repeat may be, in course of time, one may substitute/replace the existing confidant(e) with another person.

Let us argue from real life situations. Let us not take an idealistic stance here.

As far as I am concerned, I can only argue from an Indian point of view, because I do not know much about people living in other countries.

Sharing one's momentary feelings and simple thoughts with another person of the opposite sex does not amount to 'intimate affair/relationship'. Therefore, I never said that one must keep away from other men or women as the case may be. We can have casual relationship/friendship (not affair or sexual relationship) with as many as one can manage or is capable of.

 

[kunjuppu]

pann,

i like your answer. thank you.

just to reiterate, underneath their countenance, folks are pretty much the same everywhere - similar problem, joys and issues dealing with family or children or inlaws.

i think renu here meant more than a casual friend. i would say a confidant. someone to whom you can talk honestly and trust that your secrets are respected. in fact a best friend.

can we have a best friend of the opposite sex, when we are married? i think that comes closer to renu's query.

if it is of the same sex, there is no issue of sex involved (except if one of the partner is a closet gay, in which the relationship is altogether in a different perspective).

infact can we have more than one best friend of the opposite sex? would a partnernship be sufficiently secure to accommodate such a friendship.

the answer, i think, 'it all depends'. n'est pas?

 

[sravna]

Emotional affairs are a lot bigger threat to marriage than physical affairs. In my view as you form a emotional relationship outside of your marriage , the emotional attachment to your wife begins to be compromised. And it also says that your relationship with your spouse was not that strong or fulfilling. On the other hand you may have physical relationships with others but still be strongly emotionally bonded to your wife. Just as you have one father, one mother etc you have one person whom you get emotionally and physically attracted to. That is the sign of a strong and healthy mind.

 

[renuka]

Emotional affairs are a lot bigger threat to marriage than physical affairs. In my view as you form a emotional relationship outside of your marriage , the emotional attachment to your wife begins to be compromised. And it also says that your relationship with your spouse was not that strong or fulfilling. On the other hand you may have physical relationships with others but still be strongly emotionally bonded to your wife. Just as you have one father, one mother etc you have one person whom you get emotionally and physically attracted to. That is the sign of a strong and healthy mind.

See lots of man will prefer the second category you mentioned where there is physical attachment sans emotional attachment and woman might prefer the first category emotional attachment sans physical attachment.

Many argue that on technical grounds emotional attachment cannot be called adultery cos there is no real physical attachment even though risk of it is high.
So the debate can go on..

I will paste another link here on the religous point of view of sexuality.


An Esoteric Understanding of Sexuality! - Brahmacharya - tribe.net

 

[pannvalan]

I like the post of Sravna. When I share something with someone else outside the family, then naturally, I will be doing injustice to my wife. What I am supposed to give her and receive from her (my wife), I begin to give to and receive from somebody who will definitely be considered a sure threat to the existence of my wife, who as my life partner wants to satisfy most of aspirations and needs through me. Then, does it not amount to betrayal?

The same logic applies to a woman who tries to seek an emotional companion outside her family circle.

I did not like the story line of 'Sindhu Bhairavi', even though I liked the way the film was made. I am dead set against a person seeking an emotional companion, especially of the opposite gender, outside one's family, whatever be the rationale and justification.

In this matter, I am very firm, very clear and very honest, because I am embedded in Indian ethos and culture.

 

[renuka]

Just want to post another question here.
Are humans really meant to be Monogamous?If its possible for us to love our siblings,parents, kids etc why cant we love more than 1 spouse?
Is it becos we only view a spouse sexually and hence cant think of another?
Loving another doesnt mean neglecting the other cos doesnt a mother love all her kids?

 

[sravna]

Just want to post another question here.
Are humans really meant to be Monogamous?If its possible for us to love our siblings,parents, kids etc why cant we love more than 1 spouse?
Is it becos we only view a spouse sexually and hence cant think of another?
Loving another doesnt mean neglecting the other cos doesnt a mother love all her kids?

Dear Renuka,

A spouse is like your one half. You are supposed to complement each other. If you are seeking another relationship it is because of lack of fulfilment in the original relationship. So your grounds of seeking another relationship is not a sound one. The case of a mother loving her kids equally, you see, is on solid grounds.

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

A spouse is like your one half. You are supposed to complement each other. If you are seeking another relationship it is because of lack of fulfilment in the original relationship. So your grounds of seeking another relationship is not a sound one. The case of a mother loving her kids equally, you see, is on solid grounds.

Dear Sravna,

Thanks for response.

 

[kunjuppu]

srvana,

you emphasized on the correct word 'should'. it is among the most deadly words in the english language, i think.

the word 'should' implies that the expectations and standards are fulfilled and each element rises up to meet the resolution demanded of it.

unfortunately real life does not quite work that way, does it?

are not there occassions, when someone feels that the spouse does not understand their viewpoint or wonders why there is no support? would it not make sense to pose the same situation to a friend of the opposite gender to get a feedback?

would you consider this emotonal involvement? if it so, just let it be. if it is not so, where would you draw the line. if you need to follow up, would you stop, for fear of emotional involvement?

i find it difficult to put strict rules. siutations occur constantly in life where we might need the help of a third party. these need not be permanent relationship leading to the destruction of marriage and family.

i think a bigger damage is potented, just by keeping quiet and avoiding involvement with someone of the opposite gender, for fear of infidelity. it all depends on you.

i think so, anyway.

 

[nachi naga]

women and men are both on and the same in every aspect.the functionality varies from time to time amongst them.one can have emotional as well as physical intimacy within marriage or outside marriage.its human nature to confide and be selective in confiding.this cheat,fraud..etc are moral turpitudes in humanity invented so that an orderly structure of behaviour exists.humans are NO different from any species in this world.But we arrogate ourselves,as if we Know everything in this world and world after we die in our physical body.Humans are the craiest of all species of god.Or at least i think i am borderline case of craziness & genius

 

[Raghy]

Sowbagyavathy Renuka said -

Its a phenomenon which some dont really take serioulsy cos it doesnt involve physical intimacy most of the time but some view it seriously cos its involves emotional and mental connection with a person either than the spouse.

Some take this phenomenon quite seriously too. Althogh the link doesn't say (which can be googled), the husband did not have any physical affair; only e-mail correspondences. Not that I am supporting such intimate correspondences; I don't. He was stepping outside the bounds... the following was the result...

Jealous Indian woman burns husband's genitals, kills him - World - DNA

(She received a suspended sentence).

Cheers!

 

[sravna]

srvana,

you emphasized on the correct word 'should'. it is among the most deadly words in the english language, i think.

the word 'should' implies that the expectations and standards are fulfilled and each element rises up to meet the resolution demanded of it.

unfortunately real life does not quite work that way, does it?

are not there occassions, when someone feels that the spouse does not understand their viewpoint or wonders why there is no support? would it not make sense to pose the same situation to a friend of the opposite gender to get a feedback?

would you consider this emotonal involvement? if it so, just let it be. if it is not so, where would you draw the line. if you need to follow up, would you stop, for fear of emotional involvement?

i find it difficult to put strict rules. siutations occur constantly in life where we might need the help of a third party. these need not be permanent relationship leading to the destruction of marriage and family.

i think a bigger damage is potented, just by keeping quiet and avoiding involvement with someone of the opposite gender, for fear of infidelity. it all depends on you.

i think so, anyway.

Dear Shri Kunjuppu,

I do not think it is difficult to draw the line in a relationship with a third person. One keeps having the sense of where a relationship is heading and unless one really wants to get deeply involved in that relationship, one can always be within the line. It all depends on how strong your marriage bond is. A strong one in my view doesn't entertain thoughts of a third person coming into one's life.

 

[biswa]

What is love?

Just want to post another question here.
Are humans really meant to be Monogamous?If its possible for us to love our siblings,parents, kids etc why cant we love more than 1 spouse?
Is it becos we only view a spouse sexually and hence cant think of another?
Loving another doesnt mean neglecting the other cos doesnt a mother love all her kids?

 

[renuka]

What is love?

Honestly...I dont know!!!

I feel its one of the most used word but the meaning is hardly pondered upon.
I feel its one of those feelings where we are often addicted to the "feel good hormones and responses" that are released when we like someone blood relative or non blood relative or even something for any specific reason.
Once we hit plateau..boredom starts to set in and this might even leads to misunderstandings and loss of friendship or even relationship.
Most of us got used to love becos of dictates of society and seldom question it.
I dont really feel humans differ that much when it comes to love..like a believe that an Indian woman outshines any other woman when it comes to love for spouse.
We all are Homo Sapien only..feelings are the same..

Anyway this is just my opinion and I still say I dont really know!!

 

[renuka]

just for fun..listen to this song, real funny...

Now you can do it like this
Take it to the level
You can do it like that
Shake it to the right

All my ladies and my men
All my men and my ladies
All my ladies and my men
All my men and my ladies

You can do it like this
Shake it to the left
You can do it like that
Shake it to the right

All my ladies and my men
All my men and my ladies
All my ladies and my men
All my men and my ladies

Zor ka jhatka haaye zoron se laga
Haan laga
Shaadi ban gayi umarqaid ki saza
Haan saza

The great shock hit with greater force
Marriage has turned into life imprisonment

Piye hai udaasi jaan ki pyaasi
Shaadi se achcha tum le lo faansi
Laakhon dukhon ki hoti hai ye wajah
Haan wajah

You have to drink grief,it is thirsty for life
It's better to hang yourself than get married
It is a reason for many misfortunes

Zor ka jhatka haaye zoron se laga
Haan laga
Shaadi ban gayi umarqaid ki saza
Haan saza

Jiski shaadi par jaana usko itna samjhana
Na kar shaadi yeh barbadi phir na pachhtaana
Haan mauka hai pagle shaadi se bachle
Samjha le dil ko yeh shaadi ko machle

Whomsoever's marriage you attend,reason with him,
Ant tell him not to marry,it is a destruction
You have a chance,save yourself from marriage
Explain your heart which is very hasty to get married

Shaadi ke mandap se tu khud ko bhaga
Haan bhaga
Zor ka jhatka haaye zoron se laga
Haan laga

Run yourself out of the sacred tent of marriage

Sabse pehle shaadi thi yaaron jahan mein jisne ki
Usko dhoondho pakdo peeto galti usne ki
Woh tha saudai ban ke kasai
Usne to sabki lutiya dubaayi

Find the person who first got married in the world
And beat him up for his sin
He was a melancholic who turned into a butcher
And brought misfortune on all of us

Paani mile na maaro aisi jagah
Haan jagah

Take him to such a place and beat
Where he can not even find water to drink

Zor ka jhatka haaye zoron se laga
Haan laga
Shaadi ban gayi umarqaid ki saza
Haan saza

Zor ka jhatka haaye zoron se laga
Haan laga


YouTube - Zor Ka Jhatka Full Song - Action Replay

 

[sravna]

Love is the feeling that comes when you are above all the negative feelings. In that way it is towards all and unconditional or in other words, universal and eternal. I would say it is so rarely found, as rarely as coming across an enlightened person, but it does indeed exist. It is the sublimest of all and forms the substance of everlasting peace and bliss.

 

[gopaindu]

The friendly relatiionship with a person of opposite sex and known to the spouse will not cause any problems in marriage. However, if the spouse feels that his/her partner is of weak mind and the friendship may lead to physical intimacy then, it is better to terminatethe relationship rather than continuing discreetly. This amounts to cheating even if there is no physical contact between the friends. Normally, weak persons feel insecure and are apprehensive that his/her partner may leave him/her anytime. Further, especially ladies can not tolerate their husbands hobnobing with a member of opposite sex even if it were a friendship. Such nature is prevalent among men also, may be due to hypocrac or insecurity. Normally insecurity arises out of inferiority complex for so many reasons and also over possessiveness. The best course in such a situation would be to console oneself that he/she is bound to suffer like this due to misdeeds of previous births. N.Rajagopalan, [email protected]

 

[biswa]

Doc, you are right on the money

Honestly...I dont know!!!

I feel its one of the most used word but the meaning is hardly pondered upon.
I feel its one of those feelings where we are often addicted to the "feel good hormones and responses" that are released when we like someone blood relative or non blood relative or even something for any specific reason.
Once we hit plateau..boredom starts to set in and this might even leads to misunderstandings and loss of friendship or even relationship.

I agree, love is probably the same as the proverbial endorphin rush. This may be triggered by babies, cute kittens, a bout of yoga or a stimulating conversation.

Marriage, spouse, duty, honor, Indian culture are probably not biological phenomena as they differ from country to country, continent to continent.

Regarding the plateauing you mention, one thing I have seen is that people always enjoy pleasure without responsibilities. If the stimulating conversation with a friend of the opposite sex has to include issues like household chores, money shortages, health problems, diaper changes etc., it will probably seem unexciting, all of a sudden. Most of us are happier to just discuss saree designs, Kamal Haasan films, Apple gadgets, and Pongal recipes.

 

[sravna]

Anything that is changeable or that causes a change belongs to the physical world and anything that doesn't change or stops the change in the physical world, belongs to the spiritual world. Thus change is the essence of the physical world. So it is possible to define everything as a physical phenomenon as long as we experience them physically.

So the million dollar question is: Are the sublime experiences say, love, actually just the effect of physical activities in the body or are the sublime phenomena the cause of such physical activities?

The answer to the question is which one is dependent on the other? For example
if one is able to induce negative feelings or experiences in a person by acting on the physical body, permanently where he really has none then one would conclude that feelings such as love are the effects of physical activities in the body. Otherwise the converse would be true.