Dear ravi,
Thank you for your post. Actually there are so many posts to ponder, that I do not even know where to begin. I think I will start with yours being the oldest, and maybe touch upon it, some of the points raised by others.
I have to start with my own marriage – an arranged one. Mom pointed this girl and told me that she would be good for me. I had no one else in mind, and agreed to it, as I wanted to settle down. My wife bloomed in Canada. Most of my tambram friends have had arranged marriages in the 70s and 80s, and I would say 90 percent ; of them are happily paired. All the women enjoy the freedom of opportunity that Canada offers.
Girls come to the west with certain expectations and what I have found, is that almost all men of my generation, had no problems in accommodating the expectations of their spouses once they landed here. In the early stages of the marriages, there was only thani kudithanam, which I feel, probably went a long way to adjusting and resolving relationships and disputes. It is much easier for two to tango than three or four or a whole family.
Which comes to my view on comments raised that ‘are always available for counselling at later stage if some differences crops up.’ Many members will disagree when I say this, but it is my experience, including mine own, that the biggest cause for quarrel between spouses is the in laws. Not only in India, but the world over.
For example, Revathi brought the example of vratham being enforced on a relative. Who will this girl appeal? To her fil? What happens if she appeals to her own parents? What if the girl’s father comes to the in laws to express his daughter’s desire not to practice vratham? How well will it go down? I think, the ‘elders’ are biased in favour of their own child and this being a ‘family’ affair, not much of outside interference will be tolerated.
Today’s marriages, I think, is much more complex than a newly wedded wife’s desire for a movie or sari, which with an egging from the parents, the son may be wont to comply. How can parents relate to issues like privacy? Privacy is an intimate process of learning each other – I do not wish to use the word, ‘getting to know’, but the ‘learning’ – both of the element, basically, even in ‘love marriage’ comes ignorant of the other.
it is difficult to mediate, when even the affected couple might have trouble expressing what they feel let alone articulate it. maybe they can spill out some syptoms, but i do not think, they any elder in either family can understand issues which dwell deep of the mind, hopes, longing, disappointments and above all love. those are meant to be for the couple alone, and till the gears mesh together, these be left for themselves to sort it out. or not.
The learning process, which is a life long one, starts the minute the thali is tied, and the foundations are laid the first few weeks, when the power balance sorted out for a life time. I do not think Pannvalan’s points, good & bad, ever take into consideration the laboratory that is the relationships and how to sort out the results of the first few experiments.
Marriage, atleast today, is not a public display of life a man and a woman. A young couple simply cannot afford to live in a household with parents whose priorities and interests, though well meaning, are referenced on protocols which may be valid about 50 years ago.
If my father could have been coherent, he would have listed Pannvalan’s list to me. But in my household things like marriages or problems in marriages were simply not spoken. Any such query would be silenced. There is no discussion of what post marriage lifestyle and values would be together as a couple. We can have a recipe for a tasty dish. I do not know if we can prescribe a set of rules for a marriage.
Humans are far too complex, far too devious and above all far too indulging in power play, to expect them to follow a set of rules, and if it breaks down, go to the ‘elder’ in the family to mediate. Most often, what they narrate to the ‘elder’ would be a symptom, which probably the old guy cannot even fathom, let alone go to the root cause. He is simply not qualified for it. Age, I think does not necessarily equate to wisdom.
At 60, when I see so many youngsters with a better handle on life than I do, my fear is that I will grow more into a fool, and everyone knows that there is no fool like an old fool. So I am amazed at the so many ‘I know best’ attitude and prescriptions to people who are in their twenties, from those of us, atleast two or more generations removed chronologically, and probably eons removed in thought process. We old fogies simply do not have it.
The instance of that girl coming to the U.S. and disappointed with the husband’s ‘traditional’ values – to me, did the groom did not talk to the girl before the marriage? Did he not tell her his values? Did she not have an occasion to express her desires? There is a disconnect here. Why is nobody talking about the failure to communicate, prior to marriage, either by the couple, or the families. Assuming that the groom is all in the right, does he not owe to himself and the girl, to express exactly what he is. What happened to everyone’s mouth.
Maybe it is time, that when we list each instance of a marriage failure due to a spoilt woman or ‘western’ values, to dig deeper and arrive at the root cause. I do not believe that any one is 100 percent ; wicked, and the other 100 percent good. I have always said that I consider everyone of us, lives with shades of grey, and when couples bound, if the shades blend, they are lucky, marriage, I believe, is a lottery. and there is two sides to every story.
I also believe, that if there is discord in the first 100 days, the marriage is doomed. For this is the period of honeymoon and excitement. Not a time for disappointments and bickerings. This is not rocket science, but common sense. No amount of ‘counselling’ from ‘elder’ will mend together a broken met and make it water tight again. Time to cut losses, and move on. Such is the reality of life in the 21st century.
I agree that folks feel strongly about above sentiments. I too started with firm belief that there was only one road to marriage and that is through horoscopes and community. Somewhere along the way, I found that there is no single rule for all. No matter whether marriage is arranged or ‘loved’, the young couple in their honeymoon period also walk on egg shells, and skirt by minefields of faux pas.
It is best that during this period they are left alone to sort out their own troubles. We should give the youth that much credit for their maturity. For after all, if we had been good parents, we would have brought them up to be sensible young men and women? Wouldn’t we?
had we been dictators to our children, they would not be able to think for themselves. had we taught them to think, we should be confident that our children can think for themselves and handling their own life. they have got to learn it. sooner or later. in my opinion, it better be sooner.
Thank you.
ps. sangom, one does not lose virility through exercise. just the opposite. unless you take certain steroids and such. a good healthy fit body provides more stamina for all sorts of activities including the ones in the bedroom
