House Mate and Soul Mate

[renuka]

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We have had many thread related to marriage between partners of different communities ..we all have read their queries..their fears..their anxiety and everyone else here giving opinions and than the thread gets derailed and rest is history.

I was just thinking..a spouse is a life long House mate in the technical sense.

But does he/she have to be our soul mate?

I dont think so!

I feel all the problems with marriage starts becos everyone expects their spouses to be their Soul Mate.

Now first lets define a spouse as in the context of a House Mate.

A House mate is someone we live with and run the house together.

Since we all do stay with our spouses most of the time and that technically makes a spouse a house mate as I mentioned earlier..well lets make it more Kosher by saying a spouse is a Marital House Mate.


Actually even in regional languages we refer to spouse as House Person...in conventional Tamil its Veedu Karan/Veedu Kari

So its has been a House Mate all the way.

Ok now..a Marital House Mate is someone we can stay with and run the household.

Its like an organization..Director and the Organization.

These two people need not be soul mates as their relationship is like Karma Yoga..action orientated.

Everyone has to agree that marriage and running a household is active on the toes work..at times there is no rest.

If we have this in mind..we wont be having too many expectations when we get married.

The problem is everyone puts in our head that marriage is all about being soul mates..made in heaven..some even make you believe you marry the same person for 7 lives!LOL and when spouses fail to establish Soul Matism they become dejected and problem starts.

Marriage is a Kurukshetra! Not the war..but a field of action.

The Marital House Mate is the best person we can live with to work out in te field of action.

A Marital House Mate might share different interest and have different capability and thats how it should be becos one can make up for what the other lacks to run the house.



So who is the Soul Mate?

The Soul Mate is a person who is almost like you in every way..he/she shares the same interest and likes and dislikes at times you wonder if he/she is your lost identical twin.

A Soul Mate could be anyone...not always the same sex but mostly the opposite sex.

A Soul Mate could be friend or sometimes even a relative.

In cases where the Soul Mate is a friend of the opposite sex..at times romantic feelings might confuse the situation and both decide to get married becos they feel they had fallen in love.

Then after marriage the problem starts becos when two people are totally alike they can seldom handle situations well.

There is no variation in input..they both have same weaknesses and same strength.
So a challenging situation throws them off their feet and it can even lead to a divorce.

Soul Mates are not meant to be working in a Kurukshetra field of action.

Soul Mates are like Jnaana Yoga..its for the finer connections in life..which we call friendship.

 

[sravna]

Dear Renuka,

You get more attracted to a person who has something you lack i.e., complements you than to a person who is similar to you. You get attracted to a soul mate because she complements you. They both fit together well. So I think your concept of soul mate is wrong. What do you think now?

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

You get more attracted to a person who has something you lack i.e., complements you than to a person who is similar to you. You get attracted to a soul mate because she complements you. They both fit together well. So I think your concept of soul mate is wrong. What do you think now?

Dear Sravna,

On my part I get attracted to people who are like me..but they have all remained my friends and anyone of them could actually even be a Soul Mate.

But when it comes to marriage I think we consider a person who complements what we lack..I call it the Idli Phenomenon.

That is Idli is made from rice and lentils..rice lacks certain amino acids..lentils lack certain amino acids but both in combination make up for what each other lack and we have power packed protein dish in an Idli.

We cant make Idli with only rice or with only lentils.

So like wise marriage is all about making Idlis...that combination works!

Now Soul Mate as I said is like Jnaana..to cater for the needs of the mind..seeking a similar mind to share thoughts.

Now this is why many people end up having affairs..cos they are totally attracted to their soul mates and drag in romantic feelings..but when they divorce their spouses and marry their soul mates..the new marriage seldom works out.

The reason..Soul Mates are not meant for Karma .they are not meant to be making Idlis..they are meant to cater for only the mind.

At the end of the day..the mind is the instrument that brings about joy and sorrow.

Actually all of us practice this unknowingly as a child..we run to father to cater for our physical needs but run to mother for emotional needs.

Father is Karma ..Mother is Jnaana.

BTW one is the most stable when both Mind and Body are in the best of form.

So spouse(house mate) is for the body and Karma ..and Soul Mate is for the mind and Jnaana.
.
If one can go beyond sexual feelings in a soul mate that would be indeed bliss cos a Soul Mate is never meant to be our House Mate.

 

[krish44]

there is a lot to reflect upon regarding the content of the thread.

in all of us there is some traits of house mate and soulmate as defined .


only the proportion of traits might vary '

I have been told by better half that I can be an excellent friend but I am a poor husband whatever it might mean. I was afraid of digging further and let the comment

pass . It is sometimes wise not to dig further as instances where one has been guilty of being an inadequate husband could be pointed out.lol

world could be a better place if we could go to various humans for different needs .society ordains that one human cannot monopolise and have all needs satisfied by

multiple partners.lol

 

[renuka]

there is a lot to reflect upon regarding the content of the thread.

in all of us there is some traits of house mate and soulmate as defined .


only the proportion of traits might vary '

I have been told by better half that I can be an excellent friend but I am a poor husband whatever it might mean. I was afraid of digging further and let the comment

pass . It is sometimes wise not to dig further as instances where one has been guilty of being an inadequate husband could be pointed out.lol

world could be a better place if we could go to various humans for different needs .society ordains that one human cannot monopolise and have all needs satisfied by

multiple partners.lol

Yes..we are indeed a multiple partner society...that is humans are social animals who have varied degree of relationships for many reasons.

Let take the family set up of a child..he is in a multiple partner relationship...he has mother..father..siblings..grandparents.

May be thats why the joint family system seemed to work well in the past..everyone was in a multiple partner situation.

Wives had co sisters as friends at home..husband had their brothers..children had their cousins, the oldies had their grandkids and so on.

Society seemed to function fairly well back then..so there is so truth of being comforted by more than one person(I do not mean sex here)..so the House Mate and Soul Mate might just be 2 different people after all.

 

[krish44]

you have quoted precedents for being a multi partner society

though we are separated by space -not living under the same roof , I agree we go to siblings for our needs and are in multipartner situation

how many women can accept their men get into multi partner situation with other women { not siblings and not necessarily sexual]. while it would be great if it could

happen. some may be a little indulgent and tolerate and others may wait for a situation for hitting back.

jealousy thy name is woman.lol

 

[Raji Ram]

Yes..we are indeed a multiple partner society...that is humans are social animals who have varied degree of relationships for many reasons.

Let take the family set up of a child..he is in a multiple partner relationship...he has mother..father..siblings..grandparents.

May be thats why the joint family system seemed to work well in the past..everyone was in a multiple partner situation.

Wives had co sisters as friends at home..husband had their brothers..children had their cousins, the oldies had their grandkids and so on.

Society seemed to function fairly well back then..so there is so truth of being comforted by more than one person(I do not mean sex here)..so the House Mate and Soul Mate might just be 2 different people after all.

Dear Renu,

What!!! ''multiple partner relationship''??

It is only multiple relationship, right?

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,
If I accept YOUR definition of 'Soul mate', it is better to have as 'web soul mate'! :ranger:

You need not even spend money to roam around with that soul mate and

no need to give even a cup of tea to him / her!! :lol:

 

[Raji Ram]

Those in who are in life partner search often mention that they are searing for their 'soul mate'!!
May be it means that the soul mate should NOT interfere in their business and give them 100% freedom! eace:

 

[sravna]

Dear Sravna,

On my part I get attracted to people who are like me..but they have all remained my friends and anyone of them could actually even be a Soul Mate.

......
So spouse(house mate) is for the body and Karma ..and Soul Mate is for the mind and Jnaana.
.
If one can go beyond sexual feelings in a soul mate that would be indeed bliss cos a Soul Mate is never meant to be our House Mate.

Dear Renuka,

From what you say I understand that house mate is to co-ordinate in your worldly affairs and soul mate is to share views on spiritual matters. The latter is more like a friend and may be help one progress on spiritual matters.

Let me say why this does not sound right. When you disconnect something at the physical level i.e., disconnecting the one soul mate and house mate as two different persons you tend to be more focused at the physical level. When something is different at the spiritual level say one is compassionate and the other is not, you tend to see the differences along with the projections of their other attributes which may distract you from focusing on the real issue. you may not see the real reason of what makes for compassion and what does not and so you may not learn the right lessons.

The gist is the more you disconnect and compartmentalize at the physical level the more confusing it can become from the point of view of learning. In a relationship as important as a soul mate, it seems logical that multiple partners should be not encouraged. The one partner should be viewed as a holistic sum of what he is composed. You may learn an important lesson in viewing holistically which may be difficult with two incompatible mates.

 

[tbs]

hi

house mate may be physical...like jeevatma to jeevatma relationship....but soul mate is like....jeevatma to paramatma

relationship.....

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

From what you say I understand that house mate is to co-ordinate in your worldly affairs and soul mate is to share views on spiritual matters. The latter is more like a friend and may be help one progress on spiritual matters.

Let me say why this does not sound right. When you disconnect something at the physical level i.e., disconnecting the one soul mate and house mate as two different persons you tend to be more focused at the physical level. When something is different at the spiritual level say one is compassionate and the other is not, you tend to see the differences along with the projections of their other attributes which may distract you from focusing on the real issue. you may not see the real reason of what makes for compassion and what does not and so you may not learn the right lessons.

The gist is the more you disconnect and compartmentalize at the physical level the more confusing it can become from the point of view of learning. In a relationship as important as a soul mate, it seems logical that multiple partners should be not encouraged. The one partner should be viewed as a holistic sum of what he is composed. You may learn an important lesson in viewing holistically which may be difficult with two incompatible mates.

Dear Sravna,

Actually there is no disconnection in the real sense.That is just a projection of the mind.

The fact is we connect with several people in our lives..multiple partners each for a different reason.

We connect with a House mate (spouse) more at a physical level as I said married life is a field of action.. and we connect with a Soul Matter at a finer level well may be spiritual too.

So its just synapses here..connecting in a relay of networks in the tree of life..each branch connecting with the cosmos in ways unknown to the mind at times.

There is in fact no compartmentalization even though it might outwardly seem that way.

Its in fact externalization of connective networks for sustenance of life.

Many might find this difficult to accept becos when the word Multiple Partners is used the human mind tends to drag sex in.

If we leave sex out of the picture we realize that we unconsciously have established mutiple partners in our own lives for each aspect.

When you view everything together its actually Holistic.

 

[renuka]

hi

house mate may be physical...like jeevatma to jeevatma relationship....but soul mate is like....jeevatma to paramatma

relationship.....

Exactly! and everything is Brahman.

 

[renuka]

Dear Renu,

What!!! ''multiple partner relationship''??

It is only multiple relationship, right?

Dear RR ji,

There is no sexual relationship here..its Holistic.Its pure.

 

[renuka]

Dear Renu,
If I accept YOUR definition of 'Soul mate', it is better to have as 'web soul mate'! :ranger:

You need not even spend money to roam around with that soul mate and

no need to give even a cup of tea to him / her!! :lol:

Dear RR ji,

No need to give a cup of tea to a web soul mate? Really?

I thought Forum had 2 get togethers so far..I am sure everyone drank tea!LOL

 

[renuka]

you have quoted precedents for being a multi partner society

though we are separated by space -not living under the same roof , I agree we go to siblings for our needs and are in multipartner situation

how many women can accept their men get into multi partner situation with other women { not siblings and not necessarily sexual]. while it would be great if it could

happen. some may be a little indulgent and tolerate and others may wait for a situation for hitting back.

jealousy thy name is woman.lol

Jealousy only happens when sex is in the picture.

 

[krish44]

Jealousy only happens when sex is in the picture.

I once ended up with a lady boss in the office.

We were almost of the same age. she was of almost the same age but technically senior as she joined the company before me

she used to bond with all and act professionally . at the same time she could be protective and fight like tigress guarding her cubs in her office

she was not very good looking .she would say I will meet your wife and would do that dropping in at your place without telling

her logic she used to say-if any wife meets her she will stop being jealous of her after they see her as she was not good looking.

I was under her protective umbrella for a few years .interesting experience working with lady boss

 

[kunjuppu]

I once ended up with a lady boss in the office.

We were almost of the same age. she was of almost the same age but technically senior as she joined the company before me

she used to bond with all and act professionally . at the same time she could be protective and fight like tigress guarding her cubs in her office

she was not very good looking .she would say I will meet your wife and would do that dropping in at your place without telling

her logic she used to say-if any wife meets her she will stop being jealous of her after they see her as she was not good looking.

I was under her protective umbrella for a few years .interesting experience working with lady boss

times have changed much krish, all over the world. i am 64 now, and for the greater part of my career, i have had women bosses. right across the board, i have found them just as good as men bosses. their viewpoints sometimes reflects their gender, but their skillset matched any of the males.

to me it is a non issues. a boss is a boss, who has to be obeyed enough to get my work done, and make boss' work easier. we should not be a problem for our bosses, but only help them do THEIR job better. every boss needs a break in period, during which we need to make adjustments to fit the boss' individual quirks. by and large, these are not much, but it is a learning experience, nevertheless.

we had in our department, one iranian, who disliked intensely working under a woman. very soon he was fired.

krish, we might also remember, that we spend the prime time of our day and the prime time of our lives of the day, in our offices. the 9 to 5 pm, we are at our best dressed, best behaviour and bring out the best of the skills. so do our colleagues, whether they be men or women.

sometimes, , i have seen, the 'workhusband/workwife' relation developing between some of them. a vast majority of them is platonic, and their spouses are aware of the special relationships. especially, when the work is very intertwined and interdependent between two people, and if these happen to be opposite sexes, there can be an opportunity to develop a deep friendship and opening up of the mind, which we seldom do with fellow men. though in such cases, two women might become very close too. i dont know.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear RR ji,

No need to give a cup of tea to a web soul mate? Really?

I thought Forum had 2 get togethers so far..I am sure everyone drank tea!LOL

Dear Renu,

Soul mates in our forum get togethers! :nono:

Many of them don't even care to call me on phone and you are talking about soul mates!! :lol:

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Krish Sir,
Cool idea is this! Work for a lady boss IFF she is not good looking! eace:

IFF = If and only if.

 

[krish44]

times have changed much krish, all over the world. i am 64 now, and for the greater part of my career, i have had women bosses. right across the board, i have found them just as good as men bosses. their viewpoints sometimes reflects their gender, but their skillset matched any of the males.

to me it is a non issues. a boss is a boss, who has to be obeyed enough to get my work done, and make boss' work easier. we should not be a problem for our bosses, but only help them do THEIR job better. every boss needs a break in period, during which we need to make adjustments to fit the boss' individual quirks. by and large, these are not much, but it is a learning experience, nevertheless.

we had in our department, one iranian, who disliked intensely working under a woman. very soon he was fired.

krish, we might also remember, that we spend the prime time of our day and the prime time of our lives of the day, in our offices. the 9 to 5 pm, we are at our best dressed, best behaviour and bring out the best of the skills. so do our colleagues, whether they be men or women.

sometimes, , i have seen, the 'workhusband/workwife' relation developing between some of them. a vast majority of them is platonic, and their spouses are aware of the special relationships. especially, when the work is very intertwined and interdependent between two people, and if these happen to be opposite sexes, there can be an opportunity to develop a deep friendship and opening up of the mind, which we seldom do with fellow men. though in such cases, two women might become very close too. i dont know.

kunjuppuji
You were provoked enough to respond to a post . you had gone into hibernation mode for long

Quite true times have changed. Govt organisations in india are not like military service where bosses have to be obeyed .

specially technical organisations though there is a heirarchy, there is a lateral functioning with various departments depending on work content . bosses are there mostly

for administrative functions handing over project assignments , sanctioning leaves etc. they are normally more ignorant than their subordinates

Govt officers are neither well dressed[how can you on govt salaries], nor meet any high standards of behaviour with either sex. skills developed if any is by pure accident or due to

interest . so no need to put up with anything or adjust to anything . worst case you might get sidelined for sometime after which you may get another one as boss who

will put up with you

chances of getting fired from job are non existent. thats the privilege of working for govt .

men and women as boss and bossed over bond out of lack of choice for both. men and women get into this relationship in office it is only an accident as very few of

women are in executive positions, it is a clever cat and the elusive mouse

game . only if it is female cat it could trick you with guile instead of only snarling. what platonic relationship . you are living in some dream world k saheb

spouses are happy that some female is fixing her husband right and proper in office which she has not been able to do home.she might feel jealous too as another female has the

powers to do it.lol

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish Sir,
Cool idea is this! Work for a lady boss IFF she is not good looking! eace:

IFF = If and only if.

RRji
The idea of working with this lady was not mine. one does not choose bosses

I made good my escape after a few years of traumatic relationship and messing up a few jobs together. [ as they say in tamil "serndhu kuppai kottinom"].lol

 

[renuka]

Dear Krish ji,

In life I have learnt never to underestimate a plain Jane.

Most of them come with sky high libidos!LOL

 

[Raji Ram]

RRji
The idea of working with this lady was not mine. one does not choose bosses............l

Oh! Yeah!!

'Boss amaivadhellAm iRaivan koduththa varam'!

 

[tbs]

RRji
The idea of working with this lady was not mine. one does not choose bosses

I made good my escape after a few years of traumatic relationship and messing up a few jobs together. [ as they say in tamil "serndhu kuppai kottinom"].lol

hi

rule no 1....BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT


rule no 2....IF BOSS IS WRONG....SEE RULE NO 1