Is it preserving culture or being a hinderance to culture.

[prasad1]

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There is another thread discussing preserving culture in GD section.
I have a situation here in USA.
The girl is well educated and well situated with a middle management job in East coast. She is 35 and ready to marry. She would prefer a person of Indian Origin born in USA, a TB would be preferred as her parents are TB.
Another family we met has a boy 38 Physician and settled in Texas.
The girl is ready to meet the boy and start the process, as both boy and the girl want to "know" each other. Which is now common practice.
But boy's parents are the problem, they want to match Jadagam, then they want to discuss the place they will settle, and cost of marriage etc. This has spooked the girl's family.
Girl's family is saying that thy want the boy and the girl to decide. The mama's boy is letting his mommy speak.

So it looks like another TB boy is going to remain a bachelor or marry his nurse.

 

[krish44]

Prasadji

The situation is no different in india.

Parents play the spoiler here also.

Some would still talk of about the glory of brahmins way of living they have inherited with appropriate modifications to suit their interests and damage the prospects of

marriage of sons.Horoscope , place of settling, costs etc are just issues that get raised by the parents of boy to collect thir pound of flesh before marriage as after

marriage, management changes hands and daughter in law rules.

By the way are nurse easily available?. I had a bengali colleague , a doctorate who really married a nurse from AP who nursed his ailing mother. Good economics .

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Prasad Sir,

If a 38 year old man depends on his parents to decide his future, forget about him!

I also wonder why the girl stays single at this age.

 

[krish44]

Dear Rajiramji

Pl do not be so harsh on 38 yr old youngsters.

I have sympathy for such fellows.

You know I got married past 35 yrs to a girl duly selected by parents.

I like a dutiful son followed the instructions of my parent.[ I was ammas boy].

Girls stay unmarried because of economics of large low income families with many daughters than sons.Large families were common fifty years back.Parents were also

selective with caste prefrances , education of girl and other acomplishments. Many girls remained unmarried also in those days.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Krish Sir,

Those days, guys and their parents had the power to reject girls based on their skin color, height, weight, education etc.

after eating stomach full of bajji + sojji. The bajji - sojji days are gone with the wind. Now, it is the chance for girls to reject

boys based on their education, looks, economical freedom (no one wants dependent parents-in-law), place of work. Rarely

girls relocate. For Sing. Chennai girls, the place of work of the guy should be the same city or Bangalore or some country

abroad. The guy should be willing to get her master's degree, if settled abroad. In most of the arranged marriages the mom

of the girl is the decision maker. :thumb:

 

[Raji Ram]

In my extended family, the parents settled in the U S of A have a son and daughter. They could find a Tambrahm family who

speak Tamil at home and get the daughter as the partner for their son. But their daughter wants to decide her partner and stays

single at the age of 38! :sad:

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish Sir,

Those days, guys and their parents had the power to reject girls based on their skin color, height, weight, education etc.

after eating stomach full of bajji + sojji. The bajji - sojji days are gone with the wind. Now, it is the chance for girls to reject

boys based on their education, looks, economical freedom (no one wants dependent parents-in-law), place of work. Rarely

girls relocate. For Sing. Chennai girls, the place of work of the guy should be the same city or Bangalore or some country

abroad. The guy should be willing to get her master's degree, if settled abroad. In most of the arranged marriages the mom

of the girl is the decision maker. :thumb:

Conceding all these to be correct, What should a brahmin boy do to get a tamil brahmin girl?

He cannot become overnight brilliant.Nor can he desert his parents to get married.

He Does not have social soft skills to cultivate any girl to marry her.

He cannot just change his location of job to get married.

What do girls mothers have against brahmin boys ?

Why are they fixing them?

 

[krish44]

In my extended family, the parents settled in the U S of A have a son and daughter. They could find a Tambrahm family who

speak Tamil at home and get the daughter as the partner for their son. But their daughter wants to decide her partner and stays

single at the age of 38! :sad:

Even in north india , the situation is same.

Girls are not ready to marry boys from tamilnadu.

They prefer north or west india or abroad.

Some might reluctantly agree for bangalore provided the only boy is there and is of liberal background knowing hindi also. Many of these girls do not talk tamil

fluently.

But these girls are much sought after and get what they want.

Only the boys are left high and dry.

 

[krish44]

This year , I have not had a success.

I am continuing to throw stones for the forbidden fruit.

Will some brahmin girl/her mother relent and change her mind set ?

I have to change my strategy to enable some girl to marry my cousins children.

It is a catch 22.

Some Girls are ready . But parents try to suddenly wake up , talk about horoscope and damage the alliance.One parent [motherof girl] was saying my girl talks to boy from your family

without my concurrence . So tell the boy not to encourage my girl to talk with him and proceed further . People are strange. How can women not let go of their daughters and let them

decide freely? this is tamil brahmin mindset.Mother of girls are a deadly species. Some mothers become wrecks when the daughter [if it is the only child] transacts

with boy to get married. They refuse to let go.

Fathers of working girls are worse. They normally keep mum when wife and daughter decide. Once both decide on the boy , Father suddenly wakes up and destroy the

alliance if it hurts his purse.

Parents of girls are great damagers. They work to see that their working daughters who are economic entities do not marry and go away .

There is no future for these girls unless they choose someone who is brave enough to over come these barriers and marry them . Only some Macho NB wins the

heart of these girls

 

[Raji Ram]

1. Conceding all these to be correct, What should a brahmin boy do to get a tamil brahmin girl?

2. He cannot become overnight brilliant.Nor can he desert his parents to get married.

3. He Does not have social soft skills to cultivate any girl to marry her.

4. He cannot just change his location of job to get married.

5. What do girls mothers have against brahmin boys ?

Why are they fixing them?

1. They have to shed the nerd look and get well paid jobs. opcorn:

2. No need. He has to get a good job with good take home pay, which means it goes to the girl's purse directly!

3. He has to become a smart looking gentleman and stop being a ammA kOndu!

4. If living in India, he has to find some girl in the vicinity; or relocate according to the girl's (or her mom's) wish.

If living abroad, he should be ready to pay for the master's degree of that girl and allow her to have financial freedom

when she finds a job later on.

5. Most of those mothers want 'adjusting' boy, who will forget his parents and adopt the girl's parents as his own! :thumb:

 

[mkrishna100]

1. They have to shed the nerd look and get well paid jobs. opcorn:

2. No need. He has to get a good job with good take home pay, which means it goes to the girl's purse directly!

3. He has to become a smart looking gentleman and stop being a ammA kOndu!

4. If living in India, he has to find some girl in the vicinity; or relocate according to the girl's (or her mom's) wish.

If living abroad, he should be ready to pay for the master's degree of that girl and allow her to have financial freedom

when she finds a job later on.

5. Most of those mothers want 'adjusting' boy, who will forget his parents and adopt the girl's parents as his own! :thumb:

In short the boy must be be a ATM + slave .

 

[Raji Ram]

In short the boy must be be a ATM + slave .

​ So think the girls and their moms!!

 

[sangom]

In short the boy must be be a ATM + slave .

krishnaji,

There is nothing earth shaking. Ours was a purely male dominated society till very recently. Social, legal, political, etc., changes have since made the TB marriage market a place in which there is complete female domination, primarily that of the bride-to-be, but her mother/the boy's mother etc., are also seen in many cases as "second-line heroines" competing with the true heroine, for various ulterior motives. In all this complicated drama what happens is a "kanyaa daanam" = a daanam or gift to the Kanya (of the boy who is a virtual attractive ATM of unlimited storage capacity! In addition, the boy has also to virtually change his gotra and merge seamlessly with the whole, extended family of the bride and forget about his பொறந்தாம் (family of birth).

This just the mirror image of what prevailed in previous times. But now, the boy's parents think they have been jinxed and are not prepared to let go of their traditional role as maamannaar & maamiyaar of the bride. They start doing some antics and more often than not, the marriage fails, divorce is in the air and the girl gets another boy!

This temporary anomaly will, I think, vanish one way or another, in due course by the time the present generation of "ATM+slave" fathers and their regal wives start looking for a match for their children, say in 25 or 30 years from now.

 

[Raji Ram]

Even today, there exist a few parents of guys who demand dowry in kind from the bride's family. No cash, of course. One such

parents demanded lot of gold jewellery and silver articles and huge mandapam to celebrate the wedding since guests from their

side would be 500. The medicine list of oldies was given to the bride's father in the 'to-be-purchased' list. He suffered silently

because that guy was the only son and had a high income job.

P.S: One of the silver items was a 'kaiyai vittu alambaRa mAdhiri chombu'!

The girl is my music student who sings very well and has a good job in an IT company.

 

[renuka]

. She is 35 and ready to marry. .

35!

What the heck was she doing so long?

Getting married at 35 ..that means risk of infertility..even if she gets pregnant..just say she gets a child in a years time..so she would be 36 years old..that means a 36 year age difference with her child.

When she is 50 her child would only be 14!LOL

Wow at 50 and child is still a teen.

Total bad planning!

 

[krish44]

35!

What the heck was she doing so long?

Getting married at 35 ..that means risk of infertility..even if she gets pregnant..just say she gets a child in a years time..so she would be 36 years old..that means a 36 year age difference with her child.

When she is 50 her child would only be 14!LOL

Wow at 50 and child is still a teen.

Total bad planning!

The next generation will make up for marriage of a parent at 35 yrs.They will marry at 23 -24 years if parents make it possible.

Well I married past 35years and my kids married when thy were 23-24 years. Still by 65 years I had fulfilled my commitments.

Of course my wife was younger by 6 years so no issues for a very late marriage for her.

So if a male parent is past 35 years no problems really.

Think like a male not female.lol