Is our parenting outmoded?

[V.Balasubramani]

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Pranams.

My father was 83 when he breathed his last . Till the date of his death, he was very strict and more disciplined. More carrots and more canes. The love and affection was in abundance and were taught to follow the qualities of upright, honest, loyalty, etc. He was our role model. I lost of my mother when I was 20 years of age. She took care of us till then. She was more responsive and we have no high demands. Our desires which within my fathers limits were fulfilled. Some immediately and few belatedly. Our requirements, wants,schooling, other activities, etc were taken care of well. We lived a simple life.

In our case, we brought up our children very obediently and I don’t remember to have used cane at all. I am loveable and very kind towards both . There were no much demands by my children and I never disappointed them except once I was unable to pay Picnic Fees for my son to Kashmir while he was doing post graduation. This I feel guilty even now.

Recently I had been to my daughter ‘s place at Bangaluru. It is a gated community where parents meet everyday at children’s ‘ Play Area’ where I found more use of don’ts by parents towards their children. Don’t do that, don’t do this. The strategy of parenting seems to be quite different nowadays. If you finish the home work, I will offer this. If you score top mark, I will provide you this. Every demand is either offer based or a discount attached, besides incentive.

Binging up children with more ‘don’t s’ and promising great offers, etc etc … is okay?

 

[sangom]

Pranams.

My father was 83 when he breathed his last . Till the date of his death, he was very strict and more disciplined. More carrots and more canes. The love and affection was in abundance and were taught to follow the qualities of upright, honest, loyalty, etc. He was our role model. I lost of my mother when I was 20 years of age. She took care of us till then. She was more responsive and we have no high demands. Our desires which within my fathers limits were fulfilled. Some immediately and few belatedly. Our requirements, wants,schooling, other activities, etc were taken care of well. We lived a simple life.

In our case, we brought up our children very obediently and I don’t remember to have used cane at all. I am loveable and very kind towards both . There were no much demands by my children and I never disappointed them except once I was unable to pay Picnic Fees for my son to Kashmir while he was doing post graduation. This I feel guilty even now.

Recently I had been to my daughter ‘s place at Bangaluru. It is a gated community where parents meet everyday at children’s ‘ Play Area’ where I found more use of don’ts by parents towards their children. Don’t do that, don’t do this. The strategy of parenting seems to be quite different nowadays. If you finish the home work, I will offer this. If you score top mark, I will provide you this. Every demand is either offer based or a discount attached, besides incentive.

Binging up children with more ‘don’t s’ and promising great offers, etc etc … is okay?

gated community where parents meet everyday at children’s ‘ Play Area’

— obviously, your daughter is in the higher echelons. Hence whatever they do must be right.

You grew up as a "country mouse" and whatever you or your father did ought to have been unsatisfactory. You see, in this world even orphans who are care of the road or Rly. Station Platform do grow up and may be a few of them end up as very rich people. So, parenting is really not necessary and is an extra burden to the individual, in the ultimate analysis of individual freedom. The present day upper class society is the trend setter for such things as parenting, because such people invariably follow the west. Since your daughter seems to be in that category, whatever she or her husband do is to be presumed as correct.

 

[V.Balasubramani]

gated community where parents meet everyday at children’s ‘ Play Area’

— obviously, your daughter is in the higher echelons. Hence whatever they do must be right.

You grew up as a "country mouse" and whatever you or your father did ought to have been unsatisfactory. You see, in this world even orphans who are care of the road or Rly. Station Platform do grow up and may be a few of them end up as very rich people. So, parenting is really not necessary and is an extra burden to the individual, in the ultimate analysis of individual freedom. The present day upper class society is the trend setter for such things as parenting, because such people invariably follow the west. Since your daughter seems to be in that category, whatever she or her husband do is to be presumed as correct.

Sri Sangom Ji,

I was not referring my daughter. It was my observation on few of other parents in general, who are all my daughters age.

 

[sangom]

Sri Sangom Ji,

I was not referring my daughter. It was my observation on few of other parents in general, who are all my daughters age.

Shri Balasubramani,

Sorry, it looked to me that you are including your own daughter also. If your observation was on few of other parents in general, then too, what those people living in "gated communities" sets the trend in society and that is the rule as far as I have observed. Older people should either join that league or just keep quiet.

 

[Raji Ram]

My Tamil master used to make fun saying that children when grown up take loans because even from

the primary school, they are taught 'kadan vAngi kazhiththal'!! 'kadan vAngi vaazhvaik kazhippaargaL'!

Hence, the corollary is:

The kids who get 'gifts' for any jobs they do will become great politicians when they grow up as adults! :thumb:

 

[Brahmanyan]

Pranams.

My father was 83 when he breathed his last . Till the date of his death, he was very strict and more disciplined. More carrots and more canes. The love and affection was in abundance and were taught to follow the qualities of upright, honest, loyalty, etc. He was our role model. I lost of my mother when I was 20 years of age. She took care of us till then. She was more responsive and we have no high demands. Our desires which within my fathers limits were fulfilled. Some immediately and few belatedly. Our requirements, wants,schooling, other activities, etc were taken care of well. We lived a simple life.

In our case, we brought up our children very obediently and I don’t remember to have used cane at all. I am loveable and very kind towards both . There were no much demands by my children and I never disappointed them except once I was unable to pay Picnic Fees for my son to Kashmir while he was doing post graduation. This I feel guilty even now.

Recently I had been to my daughter ‘s place at Bangaluru. It is a gated community where parents meet everyday at children’s ‘ Play Area’ where I found more use of don’ts by parents towards their children. Don’t do that, don’t do this. The strategy of parenting seems to be quite different nowadays. If you finish the home work, I will offer this. If you score top mark, I will provide you this. Every demand is either offer based or a discount attached, besides incentive.

Binging up children with more ‘don’t s’ and promising great offers, etc etc … is okay?

Dear Sri Balasubramani,

You have summed up the present day parenting nicely. Now I am 82, and I can tell you ours was a middle class Brahmin family and I was brought up under certain moral values prevalent at that time. My father was a strict person and we had to obey the rules set by him. My father and mother were full time parents. My father was the only earning member and my mother was a "house wife" who took care of us fully. I continued the same system after my parents demise.

However, the things have changed very much now. The liberty my grand daughters enjoy today is unbelievable. Since both parents are employed, they have little time to attend on their children on daily basis. They compensate this on week ends by accepting the demand of the kids. Though my wife and I take care to fulfill the emotional attachment of the children to the family, we do understand that we cannot replace the parental love that they expect from their natural father and mother.

The whole change reminds me the old adage " nothing is cheap, we have to pay the price for every thing". Our families earn a lot now but they have also lost a lot in the process !

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Sri Balasubramani,

You have summed up the present day parenting nicely. Now I am 82, and I can tell you ours was a middle class Brahmin family and I was brought up under certain moral values prevalent at that time. My father was a strict person and we had to obey the rules set by him. My father and mother were full time parents. My father was the only earning member and my mother was a "house wife" who took care of us fully. I continued the same system after my parents demise.

However, the things have changed very much now. The liberty my grand daughters enjoy today is unbelievable. Since both parents are employed, they have little time to attend on their children on daily basis. They compensate this on week ends by accepting the demand of the kids. Though my wife and I take care to fulfill the emotional attachment of the children to the family, we do understand that we cannot replace the parental love that they expect from their natural father and mother.

The whole change reminds me the old adage " nothing is cheap, we have to pay the price for every thing". Our families earn a lot now but they have also lost a lot in the process !

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

dear Brahmanyan,

well put as always. to what was what it was.

in today's world, is it fair to let the woman stay at home to be a fulltime housewife. we are all now one or two child family, and many are girl children only families. we do not discriminate our girl child, like the way our grandfather and ancestors did - ie rear them up for the sole purpose of marriage, motherhood, care giving, house hold management, and above all, make her financially dependent on the man.

today's sense of values, i think do not permit it. add to it, the high cost of living in the cities, has forced a two income family, to be the norm - not just for luxuries, but in many instances, basic necessities.

in the west, it is not unheard of, for the man to be a house husband, when the spouse is a high income earner.

folks like me, work out of home 4 days a week, and the obligatory one day, is more to show my face to my boss, as all my work gets done through an internet connected laptop and conference line on the phone. maybe this model can apply to some selected jobs, as is currently done in my organization, where the mother or father, is attending to work, and also a caregiver at the same time.

but for the vast majority, the old paradigm, of a stay at home mom, however beneficial it was, is now only a dream. in the context of that, one should understand, that today's parents realize this shortcoming, and go out of their ways to get involved with their children. to a level, which my parents never did.

our dads most often were distant. strict but not familiar. barring a few rules, even mothers left us alone. we had time to play after school. studies was important but not all consuming like today. there was an element of fun in childhood, no longer seen in india, afaik.

rather than look upon these changes as 'losses', maybe it would be better, to figure out, how to manage our life needs and loves, under the ever evolving environment. after all, the only constant that we have nowadays in life, is change. n'est pas?

 

[prasad1]

dear Brahmanyan,

well put as always. to what was what it was.

in today's world, is it fair to let the woman stay at home to be a fulltime housewife. we are all now one or two child family, and many are girl children only families. we do not discriminate our girl child, like the way our grandfather and ancestors did - ie rear them up for the sole purpose of marriage, motherhood, care giving, house hold management, and above all, make her financially dependent on the man.

today's sense of values, i think do not permit it. add to it, the high cost of living in the cities, has forced a two income family, to be the norm - not just for luxuries, but in many instances, basic necessities.

in the west, it is not unheard of, for the man to be a house husband, when the spouse is a high income earner.

folks like me, work out of home 4 days a week, and the obligatory one day, is more to show my face to my boss, as all my work gets done through an internet connected laptop and conference line on the phone. maybe this model can apply to some selected jobs, as is currently done in my organization, where the mother or father, is attending to work, and also a caregiver at the same time.

but for the vast majority, the old paradigm, of a stay at home mom, however beneficial it was, is now only a dream. in the context of that, one should understand, that today's parents realize this shortcoming, and go out of their ways to get involved with their children. to a level, which my parents never did.

our dads most often were distant. strict but not familiar. barring a few rules, even mothers left us alone. we had time to play after school. studies was important but not all consuming like today. there was an element of fun in childhood, no longer seen in india, afaik.

rather than look upon these changes as 'losses', maybe it would be better, to figure out, how to manage our life needs and loves, under the ever evolving environment. after all, the only constant that we have nowadays in life, is change. n'est pas?

In the last threads I see old people lamenting the passage of time, and changes in general. It is not going to revert back. I accept your view, why not live and adapt to the new reality or become irrelevant.

 

[palindrome]

K sir, very nice post (# 7).

Am reminded of my parents and grandparents. Mom's father hardly spoke to her. But if she did not do well in school, she wud get a trashing. Mom did not even sit in front of her father. She wud stand and speak respectfully (meaning, only inquiries, no personal talk, no asking how one feels). Standing and talking was considered 'respect'. Parents were not confidants. But mom says she loved and respected her parents a lot. Am not sure if love was obligatory only bcoz they were parents and had nurtured the offspring (so in effect the offspring 'felt' she loved her parents). The respect, i sometimes feel, was more of fear than respect.

I can never imagine having parents like that. Thankfully, my parents are not like that. My mother, slogged and worked all the time, attended untimely emergency calls almost every other day, but always made sure there was food on the table (no matter how simple); and made her ears and heart available to me as a friend anyday anytime. She went way much, out of the way, to be there for me.

Dad had a strict father (similar to mom's father). Dad turned out strict with us (i got slapped every now and then). But thankfully he too is a friend and did not deny us our share of parental love and affection. Am glad for the love and nurturing. Am also thankful my parents did not follow the parenting style of their parents.

 

[Iyyarooraan]

Catch them young to corrupt. It is time to appreciate that parents have responsibility in bringing up children. But kids grow on their own as it suits them probably picking up the right or the wrong genes. Claim credits if you can or keep quiet about the upbringing.

 

[tbs]

hi
see the latest trend in tamil nadu....


தந்தை படிக்கச் சொல்லி வற்புறுத்தியதால் இளைஞர் தூக்கிட்டு தற்கொலை

 

[kunjuppu]

hi
see the latest trend in tamil nadu....


தந்தை படிக்கச் சொல்லி வற்புறுத்தியதால் இளைஞர் தூக்கிட்டு தற்கொலை

so sad.

not everyone can handle the stress of today's india's education system. i see children there have forgotten what it is to have fun and play. evenings when we used to play, is now used, for tuition or dance or music or sports coaching - everything organized and rigid - across all strata of society.

it is a great social awareness and change - that education is a sure way to prosperity and good life. and millions are jumpin g on this bandwagon, especially traditionally downtrodden communities.

but once in a while, such cases as reported here happen. i have also read of suicides due to failure to get high marks. too bad, there is not awareness, that there are many many jobs which pay handsomely, and without formal university education.

i know an iyer guy from calicut, who works as a cook in a ship from hong based company. 8 month he works, pays 15% income tax as per hong kong, and lives 4 months in konzhikode in a grand house. did pass +2 and hustled for this job.

i read an article, that it is more prosperous, to set up a tea shop in chennai, and run it efficiently. than to go for menial labour in the middle east. or even clerical jobs in mid east, or even in india.

sometimes, we need, to think out of the box, and look for opportunities.

many a times, ஏட்டு சுரக்காய் கறிக்கு உதவாது ..becomes true.

 

[prasad1]

K sir, very nice post (# 7).

Am reminded of my parents and grandparents. Mom's father hardly spoke to her. But if she did not do well in school, she wud get a trashing. Mom did not even sit in front of her father. She wud stand and speak respectfully (meaning, only inquiries, no personal talk, no asking how one feels). Standing and talking was considered 'respect'. Parents were not confidants. But mom says she loved and respected her parents a lot. Am not sure if love was obligatory only bcoz they were parents and had nurtured the offspring (so in effect the offspring 'felt' she loved her parents). The respect, i sometimes feel, was more of fear than respect.

I can never imagine having parents like that. Thankfully, my parents are not like that. My mother, slogged and worked all the time, attended untimely emergency calls almost every other day, but always made sure there was food on the table (no matter how simple); and made her ears and heart available to me as a friend anyday anytime. She went way much, out of the way, to be there for me.

Dad had a strict father (similar to mom's father). Dad turned out strict with us (i got slapped every now and then). But thankfully he too is a friend and did not deny us our share of parental love and affection. Am glad for the love and nurturing. Am also thankful my parents did not follow the parenting style of their parents.

I think being scared of parents is not respect.
I too come from a family where we were nurtured with love not scared out of our mind. All of us turned out to be successful and good parents.
On the other hand Some of us have nothing to give to our children, and act like a tyrant, and claim that to be love. Unfortunately these people claiming to be loving parents, are nothing but bullies. I can equate these parents and their parenting style to dictators, who claimed to be leaders, but proved to be despised by their subjects.

 

[prasad1]

If we have full faith in Karma's, we are what we are due to our karma.
As parents we play our part as per the script. It is arrogance and ignorance on our part to claim that we are responsible for the achievements or failings of our children. We have to do the best we can in all acts of our life without the ego.

Prakrteh kriyamanani gunaih karmani sarvashah
Ahankar-vimurdhatma kartaham iti manyate
Bhagvad Gita 3:27


(Under the influence of false ego one thinks himself to be the doer of activities, while in reality all the activities are carried out by nature as natural process)

 

[kunjuppu]

If we have full faith in Karma's, we are what we are due to our karma.
As parents we play our part as per the script. It is arrogance and ignorance on our part to claim that we are responsible for the achievements or failings of our children. We have to do the best we can in all acts of our life without the ego.

Prakrteh kriyamanani gunaih karmani sarvashah
Ahankar-vimurdhatma kartaham iti manyate
Bhagvad Gita 3:27


(Under the influence of false ego one thinks himself to be the doer of activities, while in reality all the activities are carried out by nature as natural process)

Absolutely 100% right.

I am pretty nonchalant when someone 'congratulates' me on any of my children's 'achievements'.

I insist on taking no credit for it. Just for this reason,

if the progeny, had become a crook or gangster, would I not be the first person to disown him, and shake myself off any responsibility?

So, why should I just bask on borrowed good fortune only. The right attitude should be to give the full credit to the children, whether it be success or failure, for to us as parents, both should make no difference. And definitely not brag material.

 

[C RAVI]

K sir, very nice post (# 7).

Am reminded of my parents and grandparents. Mom's father hardly spoke to her. But if she did not do well in school, she wud get a trashing. Mom did not even sit in front of her father. She wud stand and speak respectfully (meaning, only inquiries, no personal talk, no asking how one feels). Standing and talking was considered 'respect'. Parents were not confidants. But mom says she loved and respected her parents a lot. Am not sure if love was obligatory only bcoz they were parents and had nurtured the offspring (so in effect the offspring 'felt' she loved her parents). The respect, i sometimes feel, was more of fear than respect.

I can never imagine having parents like that. Thankfully, my parents are not like that. My mother, slogged and worked all the time, attended untimely emergency calls almost every other day, but always made sure there was food on the table (no matter how simple); and made her ears and heart available to me as a friend anyday anytime. She went way much, out of the way, to be there for me.

Dad had a strict father (similar to mom's father). Dad turned out strict with us (i got slapped every now and then). But thankfully he too is a friend and did not deny us our share of parental love and affection. Am glad for the love and nurturing. Am also thankful my parents did not follow the parenting style of their parents.

Every parents were once children and found the faults in strict dealings of their parents. They could understand where they were lacking and and how they end up being harsh and imposing restrictions without any real reason though were having true love and concern towards their children in their own level of understanding about what parenting is.

Thus the present day parents attempt to avoid the style of their parents and adopt the right approach as much as possible to their understanding in dealing with their children now, considering the present environment and the need of the hour.

These things naturally happens, in most of the cases, though exceptional cases continues to exists where parents adopt the same approach as what's been adopted by their parents in a previous generation and get the jolt of their life, sooner or later.

The important thing is, parents should spare the time to understand their children and have the capacity to understand what their children are up to. Where, when and how they need stern and assertive control and when not. Because, each children are different, in their in born attitude, behavior and tendencies. The right parenting demands right dealing with the children that can help the children to grow as a good, responsible & sensible human and help the parents and society to a greater extent.

My parents didn't ever apply the rigidity that they went through in the hands of their parents,back in time. They even let us know how the style of parenting was and also what sort of issues it created among the siblings as well. Because, as per natural human instinct, humans in general tend to give the best to their children as parents which they didn't get from their parents. We are blessed with very fair minded, loving, caring and supporting parents through out . As we were growing up and understanding what is what in life (by own experiences and getting to know about others life time events) we could also justify some of the stern actions of our parents which we found as utterly wrong, suppressing etc (having understood later) with out which we could possibly have had faced many issues.

The whole point is, parents should be smart enough to deal with each of their kids and properly guide them with a suitable approach, knowing how right or how wrong the kid is progressing on his/her own. Many parents had to put up adopting different approach to deal with different kids of their own. And that's worth the efforts.

 

[biswa]

The people in the gated-community may be ex-NRIs. The recommended American style of parenting is that you should treat your child as a reasonable adult. If you offer them the right enticements, they will do the right thing.

 

[kunjuppu]

The people in the gated-community may be ex-NRIs. The recommended American style of parenting is that you should treat your child as a reasonable adult. If you offer them the right enticements, they will do the right thing.

biswa,

there is no guarantee. of anything. including child rearing. especially child rearing.

we would like to believe that newton's laws of cause and effect holds good. i think the reality is closer to random theory. most of us cannot handle that. including self.

hence we set ourselves up for disappointment. this may be a bleak look on parenthood. so be it.

 

[Raji Ram]

Most of the high income group persons buy apartments in a gated community, on EMI. Security is the

main reason for choosing them. Some women go for workonly to pay the EMI of that apartment. That is

different story!

Recently I visited Ram's nephew at Bangalore living in one of these apartments. Within the compound,

there is a play area for children, a library, a gym and indoor games like table tennis, carom board, chess

and as the like. I found good interaction between the kids but some were bullying the smaller ones! In the

evenings, ladies with young kids assemble near the play area to interact with each other. :grouphug:

 

[renuka]

Dad had a strict father (similar to mom's father). Dad turned out strict with us (i got slapped every now and then).

Dear Palindrome,

I thought I was the only one who got slapped every now and then!

I use to get it from my dad cos most of the while I will be saving my elder and younger brother!

My father would be very strict with my 2 brothers cos they hated studying and would not get very good grades in school..so sometimes he used to slap them for getting less marks..so I would usually 'save' my brothers by catching hold of my dad before he slaps them and tell my brothers to run but those 2 idiots will still stand there...so obviously the slap would land on my face for trying to save my brothers.


Later my father would proudly proclaim that his sons are better behaved than his daughter cos they stand there to get the reprimanding and never try to escape or obstruct him.

 

[renuka]

biswa,

there is no guarantee. of anything. including child rearing. especially child rearing.

we would like to believe that newton's laws of cause and effect holds good. i think the reality is closer to random theory. most of us cannot handle that. including self.

hence we set ourselves up for disappointment. this may be a bleak look on parenthood. so be it.

Dear Kunjs,


You are right..there is no guarentee in anything.

We humans always prepare for our future and old age by allocating some amount of money for old age use etc..but we never prepare ourselves for disappointment.

The best is we prepare for all possible worst case scenarios so that if we face disappointment it wont really be a shocker.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,

We siblings are four sisters and one brother. Mom used to be strict and Dad used to be more lenient.

Our paternal grandfather was with us and taught us Carnatic music and helped with our homework.

Mom never had a nap in the afternoon and was a very busy home maker. Stitching, gardening, making

snacks regularly etc. kept her busy. She used to even help my dad when he to attend some complicated

deliveries. So, being active was mandatory for us. And so we are till now!!

 

[V.Balasubramani]

Sir, IMHO it is the anxiety, wish, desire, etc etc of parents that their offspring come up in their life better and lead a prosperous, healthy, wealthy, long life with more joy and happiness in abundant measure. And it is duty of the children to raise up to the expectations of the parents and prove their mettle. As pointed by most veterans, times have changed and we need to adopt the system more suitable to the existing scenario or reality. I agree. It is my belief that we accomplish in proportion to the attempts we make. Therefore, we are, or the children are responsible for the outcome whatever they are.

It is said:

Prakrteh kriyamanani gunaih karmani sarvashah
Ahankar-vimurdhatma kartaham iti manyate
Bhagvad Gita 3:27

(Under the influence of false ego one thinks himself to be the doer of activities, while in reality all the activities are carried out by nature as natural process)

Every horoscope starts with this sloka.
" Janani Janma Sowkiyanam Vardhani Kulasambatham
Padavi Poorva Punyanaam Likyathe Janma Pathrika "

The words poorva punyanaam refer to the karma left over in the earlier birth which is carried over to the present. It does mean to my knowledge that we are governed to some extent by the left over Karma of previous birth, irrespective of our attempts, efforts, system, strategy, etc in the life of our offspring in bringing up them. This has any relevant to the earlier sokha Please enlighten me on this.

May be excused for the derailment from the caption.

 

[tbs]

hi

Every horoscope starts with this sloka.
" Janani Janma Sowkiyanam Vardhani Kulasambatham
Padavi Poorva Punyanaam Likyathe Janma Pathrika "


there are 5 things in the world come with our poorva karma..............1 birth 2 education/job 3 wife 4 kids 5 death....

these are not in our hands....believe it or not....it happens...some call it poorva karma...some call it pre destined....

some call it bhagyam......or destiny......

 

[V.Balasubramani]

hi

Every horoscope starts with this sloka.
" Janani Janma Sowkiyanam Vardhani Kulasambatham
Padavi Poorva Punyanaam Likyathe Janma Pathrika "


there are 5 things in the world come with our poorva karma..............1 birth 2 education/job 3 wife 4 kids 5 death....

these are not in our hands....believe it or not....it happens...some call it poorva karma...some call it pre destined....

some call it bhagyam......or destiny......

Sri tbs Sir,

I staunchly believe. Thanx