[Information Wanted] Iyer ponnu from Kerala wanting to marry Nair boy

[XLR8R]

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NIB = North Indian Brahmins.

SIB = South Indian Brahmins

Took me a few seconds to figure this out.

I thought this is common place terminology now. My apologies.

 

[XLR8R]

I'm an iyer ponnu (27F) from Kerala and want to marry my long term partner who is a Nair (Malayalee, non brahmin). We are both settled abroad and have great careers in medical field. I am expecting a lot of resistance from my side of the family that I'm still figuring how to navigate. Something that is very important to me is that I want to get married the iyer way. This maybe debatable, but I don't believe that just because I'm marrying someone outside of my community, I have to foresake my identity and culture. I am not sure my own family would support this but I'm hoping to stand my ground.
I know that this is fairly common in the modern world but what I don't know is what rituals will have to be skipped due to boy not being a brahmin and/or ways to bypass this? What rituals and wedding events can be kept as it is? Is there something that the boy needs to do ahead of the wedding to make participation in some rituals more permissible?


Many thanks in advance.

Ps please send my way any tips and personal experiences on how to communicate this with my extremely educated but conservative parents.

Dear friend.

There are many cases where even among Brahmins there is not proper agreement on which rituals should be followed and how the marriage will occur.

For this reason I would suggest to go for Vedic marriage ceremony under Arya Samaj in India which avoids the entire discussion of caste and community specific rituals and conducts the marriage in a dharmic fashion based on Vedas.

You can discuss with the Arya Samaj pandit to incorporate any specific practice and flavour of your community should you so desire.

It is the strongest method to have a Vedic marriage in your circumstances without creating a fuss over caste or community.

Having a Vedic marriage does not hinder your identity in any way and it would likely be acceptable to both sides of the family once they understand the basis of Arya Samaj wedding.

 

[renuka]

I thought this is common place terminology now. My apologies.

Its not your fault.
I might not have been aware

 

[CHANDRU1849]

Last Sunday, one such marriage happened in Palakkad. They followed brahmin rituals till mangalya dharanam. No homam was possible. So, no sapthapadi also. After manglyadharanam, the boy's side took over. They lit a lamp and women from both sides went as a procession in front of the couple enclosed in a decorated enclosure and placed their thambalams (like thalappoli in Kerala goddess temples), and the rest was giving gifts and taking photos. The girl's father told me that by afternoon, they are vacating the hall and there is no further ritual. Is it the way we want our girls to get married?

Is the boy from NB community?

 

[CHANDRU1849]

I would suggest leaving it to her, it is her choice. Community does not support its children and neither does family, it is a fact.
In Delhi, Bhopal, Lucknow etc. I have seen NIB members fiercely support their community. So the youth do not feel a need to search outside except some exceptional cases of true love etc. (10% or less).

Why SIB failed in community support, debate is endless. We have to accept our shortcomings and support the decisions of our children.

If the parents are particular about caste, they should leave it to the children, if it is girl, to take care of herself. In most of the cases, Brahmins customs will vanish if the girl chooses a NB boy. Then, what is the necessity of continuing relationship with the girl. Sentiments kill the community. Stubbornness is the need of the hour.

 

[prasad1]

If the parents are particular about caste, they should leave it to the children, if it is girl, to take care of herself. In most of the cases, Brahmins customs will vanish if the girl chooses a NB boy. Then, what is the necessity of continuing relationship with the girl. Sentiments kill the community. Stubbornness is the need of the hour.

I am sorry for you. It seems you are a very sad person full of resentments.
Please see a professional, venting on this site may not be helpful.
In a normal relationship, you give and take, it is not your way or highway. My child will be my child, and I will support her the best I can,

 

[CHANDRU1849]

I am sorry for you. It seems you are a very sad person full of resentments.
Please see a professional, venting on this site may not be helpful.
In a normal relationship, you give and take, it is not your way or highway. My child will be my child, and I will support her the best I can,

Views may differ. You may also refer a consultant why you are so liberal in your thoughts.

 

[XLR8R]

Last Sunday, one such marriage happened in Palakkad. They followed brahmin rituals till mangalya dharanam. No homam was possible. So, no sapthapadi also. After manglyadharanam, the boy's side took over. They lit a lamp and women from both sides went as a procession in front of the couple enclosed in a decorated enclosure and placed their thambalams (like thalappoli in Kerala goddess temples), and the rest was giving gifts and taking photos. The girl's father told me that by afternoon, they are vacating the hall and there is no further ritual. Is it the way we want our girls to get married?

Reading this I remembered something.

Marriage without saptapadi is not valid under Hindu Marriage Act in India as per the recent SC and HC judgments on the matter. Such marriages are to be registered under Special Marriage Act, failing which they become void in case of dispute.

A Hindu marriage will be considered invalid without this; check details

The Supreme Court stresses the importance of following Hindu marriage customs from the Hindu Marriage Act to ensure validity. Marriage is a sacred institution with equal partnership, as highlighted by the court.

m.economictimes.com

 

[XLR8R]

Last Sunday, one such marriage happened in Palakkad. They followed brahmin rituals till mangalya dharanam. No homam was possible. So, no sapthapadi also. After manglyadharanam, the boy's side took over. They lit a lamp and women from both sides went as a procession in front of the couple enclosed in a decorated enclosure and placed their thambalams (like thalappoli in Kerala goddess temples), and the rest was giving gifts and taking photos. The girl's father told me that by afternoon, they are vacating the hall and there is no further ritual. Is it the way we want our girls to get married?

Reading this I remembered something.

Marriage without saptapadi is not valid under Hindu Marriage Act in India as per the recent SC and HC judgments on the matter. Such marriages are to be registered under Special Marriage Act, failing which they become void in case of dispute.

A Hindu marriage will be considered invalid without this; check details

The Supreme Court stresses the importance of following Hindu marriage customs from the Hindu Marriage Act to ensure validity. Marriage is a sacred institution with equal partnership, as highlighted by the court.

m.economictimes.com