(our attitude towards) old age homes

[kunjuppu]

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ravi quoted in another thread..

I have come accros many such families so far who were been left alone, suffering in old age homes.

After my Dad's experiy myself and my elder brother decided to resign our job here in Duabi and settle with mother in chennai to take care of her well. But due other circumstance, finally my elder brother alone decided to stay back (resigning his very good job in Dubai over the phone/email) and stayed back with mother. And I flown back to Dubai. I am Planning to get settled with my mother by next year begining, so that I can also take care of my mother and be a helping hand to my brother.

I have stated the above case of ours to let you know that, though my self and my brother were NRI's, we value human values more than money.

dear ravi,

please i wish to firmly reiterate, that the purpose of this thread is to understand some of the attitudes around oah and may be the stigma surrounding it. i am not for or against oah. they exist. they are increasingly part of our existence. period.

when discussing the living arrangements of retired folks, the statement தனியாத்தான் இருக்கா is full of meaning and innuendos. there is a built in disappointment, contempt, one upmanship, lip sympathy and gossip value .. all nestled somewhere in there.

ravi, my query to you is: at what stage do parents have to come and live with their children?

in your case, your mother became widowed. i presume she is fairly young and healthy and self confident. pardon my question, but is she not capable of living alone? does she felt insecure? or did you feel, that amma should not live alone (i had that feeling when dad died)

i have seen folks' had hardly dried the retirement certificate, than they are busy dismantling their household and rushing off to live with their son (if there are multiple, it depends on which dil is the most docile).

i know of a few, who came in such circumstances to canada, only to find the expectations of their son or dil too much - housekeeping, child care, so on. they had planned on kushi stay here and found it wanting.

i can understand someone in the mid 70s onwards, requiring help in household stuff, but a healthy 60 year old, i would imagine, would love to have a life of their own and their own activities in their own neighbourhoods.

illness is a different matter altogether. nursing the ill takes priority over everything else.

over to you ravi.

thanks.

 

[C RAVI]

Sri Kunjuppu,

My statements in blue..

ravi quoted in another thread..

I have come accros many such families so far who were been left alone, suffering in old age homes.

After my Dad's experiy myself and my elder brother decided to resign our job here in Duabi and settle with mother in chennai to take care of her well. But due other circumstance, finally my elder brother alone decided to stay back (resigning his very good job in Dubai over the phone/email) and stayed back with mother. And I flown back to Dubai. I am Planning to get settled with my mother by next year begining, so that I can also take care of my mother and be a helping hand to my brother.

I have stated the above case of ours to let you know that, though my self and my brother were NRI's, we value human values more than money.

dear ravi,

please i wish to firmly reiterate, that the purpose of this thread is to understand some of the attitudes around oah and may be the stigma surrounding it. i am not for or against oah. they exist. they are increasingly part of our existence. period.

when discussing the living arrangements of retired folks, the statement தனியாத்தான் இருக்கா is full of meaning and innuendos. there is a built in disappointment, contempt, one upmanship, lip sympathy and gossip value .. all nestled somewhere in there.

ravi, my query to you is: at what stage do parents have to come and live with their children?

- Depends on circumstances and when parents would feel to live with any of their children's family with a confidence that they can manage and be happy, living with them

in your case, your mother became widowed. i presume she is fairly young and healthy and self confident. pardon my question, but is she not capable of living alone? does she felt insecure? or did you feel, that amma should not live alone (i had that feeling when dad died)

- She is 60 years old, unhealthy and had/having her life in her nest, taking care of each and everything and every one.
Yes, Amma should not be alone. She is a very good friend of us and have protected us, supported us, encouraged us, etc as any mother would do. We believe that the sense of family values starts from our life with our parents through out from the begining and in that we cant just ignore to make the other feel neglected.


Being away from parents, outside India, there can't be any other way to keep her safe and happy other than, atlest either one of us being with her.

The decision to stay back with her was totally against her will and advices. We can well know what mother/father is all pondering about, from her/his eyes that speaks a different language, dosen't matter how convincingly she/he advices, neglecting her/his problems

i have seen folks' had hardly dried the retirement certificate, than they are busy dismantling their household and rushing off to live with their son (if there are multiple, it depends on which dil is the most docile).

- Yes, they wish to stay with their son with a confident, whom they cared well for many years and have sacrificed a lot of their choices just for them.

i know of a few, who came in such circumstances to canada, only to find the expectations of their son or dil too much - housekeeping, child care, so on. they had planned on kushi stay here and found it wanting.

- True, whether within India or outside, many parents have ended up with heartbreaking disappointments. And decided to better be alone/with spouse in old age homes in their place (if they can’t feel comfortable/safe managing themselves alone). At the end of the day, the old couples in question would chose the one in which they don’t find their life miserable, comparing the one with their son and that of old age homes. They are the better judge to decide. And they would know whether their son is wrong in dealing with them in his house or some one else.

The great thing is, whatever and whoever be the reason, parents would never curse their children. And the most reality thing is that, the rule of the nature/God would do the best to teach the required lessons to those who deserves.


i can understand someone in the mid 70s onwards, requiring help in household stuff, but a healthy 60 year old, i would imagine, would love to have a life of their own and their own activities in their own neighbourhoods.

- True, that’s how old people want to live happily depending on their age/health/circumstances/environment and the best of their available choices.

illness is a different matter altogether. nursing the ill takes priority over everything else.

- Exactly...

over to you ravi.

thanks.

There are lots and lots of circumstances and reasons for children to ideally deal with their old parents and for old parents to deal with their children and their state of life. Only the children and their parents would know the realities from their conscious and the other outsiders can just play their part, either with their lip sympathy and or with a sense of gossiping to pass time.

 

[renuka]

I cant understand why would anyone really want to ever think of putting their parents in a home.

You see our parents had all the chance to abandon us if they wanted to..but they didnt!!!

1) a mum can chose to abort in some countries but she didnt..she gave birth to us.
2) a dad could have abandoned his family..but he didnt..he worked to fed us.
3) a mum could have chosen not to change our diapers or feed us but she still chose to feed and clean us.
4) a mum and dad could have chosen to not take us to a doctor when we were sick..but they took us

the list can go on forever..and when they are old, sick and lonely..We shouldnt care?

May be we should take down the addresses of all these types of Homes for the Aged for our future use when our children decide to kick us out.

Just my thought..

An old man and old lady who are healthy can surely live alone but we humans are social animals..its better if we still maintain some family ties..

 

[kunjuppu]

renu,

please. the children did not ask to come to this world. did they?

they are the by product or wilful product of some actions and decisions taken by a man and a woman.

i tend to think otherwise. i think, since the parents brought the child into this world, they owe the child everything. right from the moment, when it is helpless, to the day when it is self sustaining. and in some cases, maybe even after that.

it so happens, of all living creatures, the period from birth to self sustenance, is the longest for the human being. we are talking about 22 years on the average here. so there is indeed 22 years of giving from the parents, and it is but natural, not only deep bonds are formed, but there is also a tendency to 'expect' something in return.

but is it fair? is it realistic? is it feasible?

there are no right answers, but i do have problems when someone point blank, makes a statement condemning oah or the very existence of it. even more so, when they try to give their own children a biased view of oah, to the extent, i would suspect that these are 'insuring' themselves against a future life in oah, and if forced to, atleast would leave a tonload of guilt with the child

in today's world, where global mobility is increasingly becoming the norm, in most cases, the migration of a parent along with their children becomes an impossibility. the children may feel a sense of obligation to restrict the flow of their career or maybe the parent would induce such behaviour in the children.

i think both can be avoided, if the expectation of both the parent and the child are tempered not only by reality, but also looking at alternatives to living together and above all lean towards self reliance. i agree both may be at fault here.

in my own case, my mother who single handedly took care of my father and was a very capable independent woman - the minute dad passed away, in my and my sibling's eye, became a helpless individual. who had to be transplanted from her area of comfort and familiarity to far away lands.

it is not an easy subject ie oah and parents - to discuss. but i do have a sense of discomfort when folks outright condemn the existence of oah, or when there is what i think, a self indignant tone, that it is one's duty to give up a foreign career and come back to india to take care of parents. life is a little more complicated than that.

on the same tone, personally i think, a parent would be better taken care of, by the daughter. a daughter can nurse her parents (mother included) and involve in the tending of private and intimate rituals, which i think, a dil, in no way would be inclined or suited to perform. again, this is my personal opinion, and does not reflect the society's expectation of a dutiful dil or what our scriptures say.

for my own parents' shraddham in kasi gaya, my sister opted to come with me, because she had the intense emotional attachment to my parents that i did. i cannot, and did not expect my wife to have such feelings and inspite of the vathiyar's admonitions, went together brother & sister. the wife, i told her to stay home in canada.

 

[C RAVI]

When a man or a woman cannot expect a supportive and cooperative spouse for one self, for his/her own family life, there is absolutely a bleak chance to guarantee a safe, happy and comfortable life for the old parents, in their family/home, that can give parents a peaceful and contented ending.

There are valid reasons for the existence of old age homes -

1) Many old age homes are into existence because of the reason that some of the old parents were been neglected by their own children and or due to their DIL / SIL

2) Because of the reason that their children and their spouse had to settle in foreign country for their career and livelihood and parents don't want to be away in a foreign country, without having their social circle / own ethnic people much around.

3) Because of many other odd circumstances where their children and their spouse could not take care of old people in their home, unintentionally.

Off course, it’s a business module too. There exist a demand and so the supply. It's ironical to find some old age homes mistreating the inmates and cheating them to suffer without proper offering, as its been promised. And there exist many such old age homes that are affordable only by the poor families.

Its really gruesome to even think of a final phase of life in such a atmosphere, away from own children, whom they meant, their life is.

Whatever the reason may be, down in their heart, old parents end up just compromising with their life. They are making up their mind to manage themselves, considering the circumstances. And as parents, they are more than a God (whom we have experienced physically, felt them in real and have gained in real), who still wish for the well being of their children.

A lucky is a person who could keep his/her parents with him/her, at least when they are in a dependable state of their life and give parents a chance to live with them and die in their home.

 

[C RAVI]

renu,


it is not an easy subject ie oah and parents - to discuss. but i do have a sense of discomfort when folks outright condemn the existence of oah, or when there is what i think, a self indignant tone, that it is one's duty to give up a foreign career and come back to india to take care of parents. life is a little more complicated than that.

I neither have suggested/advised or demonstrated with indignation, what the duties of a person towards his dependable parents should be nor I lack a knowledge of sensible/practical/complicated life.

There necessarily need not be a logical/practical/sensible proof allways to be duty bound and considerate to our parents who are dependable in many ways, atleast when one is still single.

In the other thread, I end up stating our case only to express that, Life is not all about Money for all the NRI's.

I came to know a old story of one of my flight co-passengers, while casually communicating with him during my recent trip back to Dubai. He moved with his wife back to Chennai from Trinidad, after his dad's death to take care of his mother. He took such a decision as a final resort, having no other possibilities.



People have different circumstances and they take the decisions that is most needed.

 

[kunjuppu]

sorry ravi,

re your post #6: didn't mean to rile you. sorry.

i know a few such cases. except, things have not gone right on return to india.

the very reason for leaving india to go abroad, was for economic purposes and also ease of living and (maybe) clean living.

the frustrations, on occassions, have turned against the parents, who were held 'responsible' for the resettlement to india. it made matters only worse, for both sides.

when one comes back to india, if it is out of a sense of duty, it is fraught with dangers. minefields, that has to be so skillfully skirted.

in the intensity of emotions, or guilt, or whatever, many a times, the original reasons to leave, are put aside or forgotten. it does not take long, for all those to re-haunt.

mine is just a cautionary note. not judgemental on anyone. i wish to be clear on that.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

Some of the comments in this discussion makes me sad/angry.

Myself and my wife live in our own house in a city of our choice. We are not dependent on our sons. They live in India in other cities with their family. We have no intention of going and staying with my sons. When we get older we may shift to an old age home where our needs are taken care of.

Please do understand. Just because one is old he/she does not lose her individuality. He/She does not like to lose his/her independence. You think you are doing your duty by getting them to stay with you.

But do they want want it?

Are you putting them in a cage? No one likes to be caged even if the cage is golden.

Do you really have the time/inclination to care for them? In these days when you have your career and family to look after, do you have the time? I did not have the time. My parents stayed independently in the village. When they got older (past 77) my brother forced them to move with him. They did not like it. It took them quite some time to get used to the new place. In this case Chennai.

We need old age homes ( may be like the ones in Florida) where old people can settle down voluntarily. Some good ones have come up.

Until and unless it becomes absolutely necessary do not force your parents to stay with you.

May be you will face peer group pressure and criticisms from the society that you do not care for your parents. Remember the needs and welfare of your parents come first not conformation to the rules of the society. Allow your parents to retain their individuality and independence.

 

[kunjuppu]

thank you nacchi, for giving another viewpoint here.

i would also like to add: that in most of the cases of the boys, they expect their newly married young wives to be the parents' caretaker, nurse, maid, cook and handyperson.

nothing, i have seen, is so unfair. which is why, recently, there was a case, where the sambandham looked great. except i happen to know the boy side in-laws who would be staying with the couple. when the girls' parents asked me about them, i frankly gave them my opinion as to what i thought the situation is.

it is no wonder that today's girls dont want to marry boys who live with their parents. it is not just one or two cases, but many ones that i have come across.

it is best if parents take their mindset off from that they have to live with their sons. if it is that important, please, let them rent/buy a flat near their son. that way, both families have their independence, and the parents' need to be near their grandchildren, and equally important, vice versa, will be satisfied.

there are many ways to skin this cat, than just plonking oneself into one's children's homes.

i have to confess, i did the same to my mother, immediately after dad died. i dragged her to canada, where she was miserable. now that i am on the cusp of retirement, i realize how much cruelty i imposed on her. she is long gone now, but the hurt in me, only gets stronger.

the missus and self, have to be tied and dragged, to go live with any of our children. right now, we cannot wait for them to graduate, find job and leave home. too much work!!

thanks nachhi. you are a gem.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

I saw a comment in one of the forums that "the best way to enjoy old age is to spend it in the company of children and grand children." Now with most people living upto the age of 80 and beyond, this idea is Utopian. I do agree that it gives us great pleasure in spending time with our children and grand children.

But staying permanently takes the charm out of this. You start noticing the shortcomings of your children and are appalled by the mode of living of the younger generation. They also feel that your thinking and style of life is out date. Conflicts arise.

How nice it would be if you visit them once a year bearing gifts and spend a week or two with them. The grandchildren look forward to your visit. They will start telling their friends about the nutty grand father and the sweet grand mother who are visiting them.

Reading Kunjuppu's post I remember the time when one of my sons got a job in Chennai and stayed with us. He got on our nerves. Fortunately he got married. We searched all over Chennai and got a nice flat for the new couple to move in.

People called us crazy because we did have a big spacious house. But then our action ensured that our relationship stayed cordial.

I would like to hear the comments of our senior members on this.

I remember a comment made by a eight year old girl on one of Oprah Winfrey shows "Parents are also people." She was being serious.

 

[kunjuppu]

Nacchi,

‘why two sets of expenses with two households?’. That is the typical question that I have seen being asked, whenever thanikudithanam is even mentioned.

In the interest of ‘why vambu for me’, I keep quiet on such conversations. In most cases, I do not even have to wait for even 3 months before complaints start filtering in. the sad fact is, that a front has to be put up, and it is usually the girl who has to put up with the hassles.

Nowadays, I have noticed, that the girls increasingly put their foot down. The fil/mil really, in my opinion, if they have some chornai, will stick even to a shed, than live with the dil son.

Which is why, when folks are passionate about taking care of parents, I tend to give an opposite, if unpopular and unsentimental view.

I have a gut feeling, that it is difficult for boys with parents living with them, to find wives in such situations, which probably can attested by many people. Those generation of demur girls coming and ‘serving’ the inlaws are long gone. There may be a few existing but not much.

Re part time grandparenting – that is the greatest pleasure. bring them gifts, konjufy them and when it comes time to change, feed and put to bed, hand them cheerfully to those who are responsible for giving birth

Nowadays, in the usa, with the couple working, it has become fashionable to expect parents from india to come to babysit. The two parents take 6 month turns.

I have seen my relatives in india, at this invitation to babysit– all the joy of having grandchildren immediately evaporates, at the thought of living enclosed in the cold winters, isolated neighbourhoods with no people in sight and above all, the deafening silence within the house (which was my mother’s pet grief).

Re your starting comment, 'the best way to enjoy old age is to spend it in the company of children and grand children', yes, it is a good age, if you are a tyrant, and you have willing sons, dils, wife etc to listen to you, obey and dance to your tunes. i don’t know how many such exists now. Maybe, as they say, in the good old days …

 

[C RAVI]

The attitude towards the existance and acceptance of old age homes would come into picture only when old parents and or their children are not capable to find a next door flat, keep parents with them in a foreign land due many valid reasons, the old parents are unable to live alone and in the cases where old parents don't have their own house and or dont want to live with the family of their children permanently.

Keeping parents with oneself can only to keep them happy (if at all possible) as the wish of the parents (if at all they wish) and not to be forced upon them to extract domestic work as live in servents with some kind of black mailing (like kolli by son) or to conclude on our own that our old parents are unfit to live their life independently as they want.

I dont think that any one in this thread, so far have emphasied on forcing one's parents to stay with their son or daughter.

 

[C RAVI]

Nacchi,

Which is why, when folks like ravi is passionate about taking care of parents, I tend to give an opposite, if unpopular and unsentimental view.

Folks like Ravi are passionate and considerate about taking care of parents for sure. But neither they have a gut feeling of expecting their wives to respect and treat their MIL/FIL well, nor they would accept their parents expectations of making their DIL's dancing on their tunes and making her clash with her husband. As well folks like Ravi are neither willing to turn their parents into live in servents for their home/family nor they want their parents to be dumped into old age homes (due circumstances) and forget them once for all without giving them a feel/sense that their son is still taking care of them/close to them and loving them truely.

 

[srinikarthik]

I also share same feelings as some of the people above about children should give the respect to the parents.

Right after my studies I started living in a different city. My dad was proud that I had finally taken a big step in life to go and live alone. Eventually I got married and had a child.

As soon as the child was born my parents started to push me to come back so that we could live as one happy family. Obviously being the only child I also felt it as a duty to return back to my family.

However ever since I have come back to the live with my parents things have been different and not so hunky dory as we thought. As I was away from home for 5 years I got used to living alone and my parents also adjusted living alone.

The situation has gone to a such an exent where my father has suggested me to live in the same city but in a seperate house or to look at moving to another city. We have also realised that meeting once in a month for a week gave us more happiness than living together.

Although I have opposed to the ideas but my parents have bought a plot in Coimbtore and are planning to settle down south after retirement stating if you dont move city we will.

I was reading the posts and most of the posts were about the DIL/MIL conflicts. However the conflicts in my family came between my thinking and my dads thinking as both have different viewpoints about any given situations.

 

[kunjuppu]

srini,

your post #14 probably reflects reality at its best.

one does not need to have constant fights to cause the need to move out. there is this concept of 'space' which we all become used to. and it goes both ways. just not the kids. but the parents as well.

eons ago, when i came home after 5 years in the university, i used to get the itch to move out again. which fortunately i did. the habits, the ways of thinking and so many little things, i had changed.

it is also a growing up period. if one is under the same roof as one's parents, the tendency is to consult, seek advice and obey. so that, one does not really get the chance to evaluate and make decisions in life. assured there will be wrong decisions. but it is those processes that build the foundations for us to grow.

i know of two sons, who lived with their parents. when the fathers died, the sons, both in their 50s, were unable to handle life. and it was too late to make mistakes. i don't want to go further into this.

i have found, if there is a need to be near, which i perfectly understand. i probably will have that need at a later point in life. or may not. at that time, i hope to set up myself close enough. being close at an old age, can also give the children a sense of comfort, in that, they need not have the guilt feelings of having neglected their parents.

but at the same time, each family has enough space to live life on their own terms.

all this, i speak only from experience, some of which is mine own. others from viewing the world through 61 years. definitely my views have changed over time. and it is in the direction of living in dignity and independently. there is something intangible but very valuable in that.

it has not always been like that. but today's world is different from the world, even of my father. if we can move in with the times, and adjust our attitudes, our life will be that less messy, and that more peaceful.

maybe you can move to a house nearby, and save your parents the trouble of moving away to another city.

win win situation. what?

 

[kunjuppu]

dear ravi,

please do not read any more posts of mine, in this thread. to me, it looks like, i am upsetting you. that is not my intention.

i think you are a fine young man, who cares a lot for his mother, and someday will make a great husband.

God Bless.

 

[Brahmanyan]

I saw a comment in one of the forums that "the best way to enjoy old age is to spend it in the company of children and grand children." Now with most people living upto the age of 80 and beyond, this idea is Utopian. I do agree that it gives us great pleasure in spending time with our children and grand children.

But staying permanently takes the charm out of this. You start noticing the shortcomings of your children and are appalled by the mode of living of the younger generation. They also feel that your thinking and style of life is out date. Conflicts arise.

How nice it would be if you visit them once a year bearing gifts and spend a week or two with them. The grandchildren look forward to your visit. They will start telling their friends about the nutty grand father and the sweet grand mother who are visiting them.

Reading Kunjuppu's post I remember the time when one of my sons got a job in Chennai and stayed with us. He got on our nerves. Fortunately he got married. We searched all over Chennai and got a nice flat for the new couple to move in.

People called us crazy because we did have a big spacious house. But then our action ensured that our relationship stayed cordial.

I would like to hear the comments of our senior members on this.

I remember a comment made by a eight year old girl on one of Oprah Winfrey shows "Parents are also people." She was being serious.

Dear Sri Nacchinarkiniyan,

I am a senior citizen living with my son and family. I fully support the view "the best way to enjoy old age is to spend it in the company of children and grand children". For this purpose it is imperative that we have to make a lot of adjustments in our attitude and mode of living without affecting our functional independence. We have to loosen up our control over others and give responsibility to the younger generation to run the house. Very difficult indeed, but not impossible.

If we are ready to adjust ourselves with strangers in Office, Community and even in old age homes, I do not find it difficult for us to adjust with our own children and the changing times.

Oh, yes, the present generation of kids are well informed on wide range of subjects. They judge us easily. I enjoy every minute of spending time with my young grand daughters, hearing their school stories and clearing their doubts.


Warm Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[Brahmanyan]

The attitude towards the existance and acceptance of old age homes would come into picture only when old parents and or their children are not capable to find a next door flat, keep parents with them in a foreign land due many valid reasons, the old parents are unable to live alone and in the cases where old parents don't have their own house and or dont want to live with the family of their children permanently.

Keeping parents with oneself can only to keep them happy (if at all possible) as the wish of the parents (if at all they wish) and not to be forced upon them to extract domestic work as live in servents with some kind of black mailing (like kolli by son) or to conclude on our own that our old parents are unfit to live their life independently as they want.

I dont think that any one in this thread, so far have emphasied on forcing one's parents to stay with their son or daughter.

Dear Sri Ravi,

I favour on parents and children living together, where ever possible. I appreciate your views on this. I live with my son and his family in our house, separately with common kitchen. I do agree that belonging to two generations, we have to make a lot of adjustments to lead a happy life. We enjoy the love and affection of our Son, DIL and the grand children, also mutual benefits of living together. This is made possible mainly due to my DIL and my wife who treat each other with respect and love. Here I wish to emphasize the importance of older generation giving up their hold on the youngsters slowly and transfer the responsibility of running the house to Son and DIL. I do not understand why we should see the negative side of life always.

By the way, My wife and I were in Dubai last month with our grand daughters to spend their vacation with my sister's family there. We had been to Abu Dhabi and Al Ain also.
The Emirates are wonderful place, very well developed.

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

Sri. Brahmanyan,

Your solution is ideal. But the basis of that is as you said

For this purpose it is imperative that we have to make a lot of adjustments in our attitude and mode of living without affecting our functional independence. We have to loosen up our control over others and give responsibility to the younger generation to run the house. Very difficult indeed, but not impossible.

If we are ready to adjust ourselves with strangers in Office, Community and even in old age homes, I do not find it difficult for us to adjust with our own children and the changing times.

Adjustments are also required on the part of the wife, son, daughter in law and grand children. Most of the problems arise out of this.

I will be posting more about this in my thread

http://www.tamilbrahmins.com/sociology/6593-fathers-sons-post-retirement-strategies.html

 

[Brahmanyan]

Folks like Ravi are passionate and considerate about taking care of parents for sure. But neither they have a gut feeling of expecting their wives to respect and treat their MIL/FIL well, nor they would accept their parents expectations of making their DIL's dancing on their tunes and making her clash with her husband. As well folks like Ravi are neither willing to turn their parents into live in servents for their home/family nor they want their parents to be dumped into old age homes (due circumstances) and forget them once for all without giving them a feel/sense that their son is still taking care of them/close to them and loving them truely.

Dear Sri Ravi,

Strong words. I am with you in your observations. But, as an elderly person, shall I take the liberty of requesting you to be considerate towards other's views. English is a wonderful language, We can always express our strong views in polite language also.


Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Sri Ravi,

I favour on parents and children living together, where ever possible. I appreciate your views on this. I live with my son and his family in our house, separately with common kitchen. I do agree that belonging to two generations, we have to make a lot of adjustments to lead a happy life. We enjoy the love and affection of our Son, DIL and the grand children, also mutual benefits of living together. This is made possible mainly due to my DIL and my wife who treat each other with respect and love. Here I wish to emphasize the importance of older generation giving up their hold on the youngsters slowly and transfer the responsibility of running the house to Son and DIL. I do not understand why we should see the negative side of life always.

By the way, My wife and I were in Dubai last month with our grand daughters to spend their vacation with my sister's family there. We had been to Abu Dhabi and Al Ain also.
The Emirates are wonderful place, very well developed.

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

Sri Brahmanyam,

Thank you for understanding my posts...

Yes sir, UAE got lots or developments and looking great through out. A wonderful and safe place to live in. Hope the impact of recession soon fades away and the cournty again turns into stable phase, if not booming and bring back the charm of life for many

 

[C RAVI]

dear ravi,

please do not read any more posts of mine, in this thread. to me, it looks like, i am upsetting you. that is not my intention.

i think you are a fine young man, who cares a lot for his mother, and someday will make a great husband.

God Bless.

Sir,

I am sorry to state that, I would read your post and pass on my comments, if I find you picking up my NAME (RAVI) in any of your posts in this thread..

 

[renuka]

In my practise I have seen many patients complaining that they are being pressurized by MIL and FIL to conceive as soon as possible and even preferences for a grandson over a grandaughter.

See I also feel we should not have expectations for a grandchild cos some couples do have infertility problems and living with inlaws can be hell for such couples.

I can never understand why when we Hindus say we believe in Karma and Will of God(Takdir) but still many decide to pressurize their DILs when they fail to conceive.

I remember once I had to refer a patient to a Obs Gyn for infertility and her MIL was nagging away in my room saying that her Parampara has no issue yet and I told her off "Are you some Royal with some kingdom that you will lose it to the enemy if you have no grandchild? Have some compassion for a fellow human being and just a reminder..Birth and Death is not in your hands"

 

[kiruku]

I realise this is a very sensitve topic. It is best not to judge - each person have their own circumstances and rationale.

The issue, as I see it, is the culture --> People are brainwashed into thinking there is only one way of doing things (see all the old moves wth the family dramas - our dharma?). In western culture, it is a different way of thinking (They love their children no less).

In times, when both the couple are working (full time & long hours), it is difficult to find time for additional responsibilties and can be avoided, if possible (my view).

Sickness is a different thing alltogether - maybe a nursing home will be better with the children visiting them as often as possible?

Looking around (overseas), the successful integrated families are the ones where the elders pitch in with helping their children in the chores than the ones, who expect to be looked after in their happy retirement (which could be 30+ years).

My hats off to those who can successfully manage this stage of their lives!

Regards

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

We have to realize that in spite of all the propaganda carried by the press and TV, taking care of the parents by asking them to live with you is not the only solution. Hinduism does not prescribe that the parents should stay with the sons. In fact in the old days when we were an agricultural nation the sons stayed with the parents in a Joint Family. The joint family is dead because it is not suited to an industrial society.

Please read Alvin Toffler's Furure shock and the Third Wave.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Third_Wave_(book)

I had read in an article about senior citizens in the U.S, that a majority of them stay near the place of residence of their children or at least one of them. In the same city or within an hours drive. These people are some of the most satisfied of all the parents.

The basic idea is to know and learn about all the alternatives and choose one which suits your parents and you.

Old age homes is one of the alternatives.

There are pros and Cons in each of the alternatives. Weigh them, discuss it with your parents, and decide.