Parent Trap

[krish44]

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As parents , our sense of self worth depends heavily on the success and happiness of our children says Robert J Samuelson

most parents are getting worried how economic downturn has affected the job market ,some young have edu loans they are unable to service.

some young are forced to live with their parents due to jobs paying poorly that they are unable to afford separate housing

many young are postponing marriage , having children, buyng a house

I feel I am blessed that my children are well educated , married and have their flats before they are thirty

they I feel can go now go into adult world and would not crash

that itself is a great achievement for parents

what do members feel about this?

 

[rishikesan]

DEAR Krishna, I too was lucky.
I got married in 1964 and this October we complete 50 years of marriage. We have eldest daughter , second is son and Third was born in 1973.It was difficult to bring up First in North, where I serred. ,but not sob difficult to bring up Son and the Third , our Lordly, just grew following her sister, Brother. Beach of them have 2 and in all 6 wonderful grand children. By Gods Grace all are well settled, nothing untoward , we spend time usefully, our attitude from the beginning iS to help all who come to us Besides my wife is the Ine woman an Astrologer of repute. For all their problems people approach, including Hindi speaking and others. I help her. Our time is spent usefully. No free toIme . No idle mind All well. This iS not for Boasting. These are facts of lifen. We ENJOY
Rishikesan

 

[tks]

As parents , our sense of self worth depends heavily on the success and happiness of our children says Robert J Samuelson

most parents are getting worried how economic downturn has affected the job market ,some young have edu loans they are unable to service.

some young are forced to live with their parents due to jobs paying poorly that they are unable to afford separate housing

many young are postponing marriage , having children, buyng a house

I feel I am blessed that my children are well educated , married and have their flats before they are thirty

they I feel can go now go into adult world and would not crash

that itself is a great achievement for parents

what do members feel about this?

Our sense of self worth is not dependent on anyone except ourselves. Any other thinking is flawed.

The accomplishment of our children is not our accomplishment. We are supposed to do our duties, that is all.

How a child turns out is influenced by us as parents by our actions but the overall result is not something we can feel proud of or feel sorry for. They are their own being, and it is really our duty to play only a caretaker and stewardship role.

Any other thinking is foundation for sorrow!

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear TKS Sir,

What a blow from the U S of A!!

Most of tambram parents, especially the mothers, like to brag about the success of their children.

They take the credit even if their children join a prestigious institution like IIT / IIM in India or

MIT / Stanford or any other one in a similar ranking!

As far as I have seen, our good karmA gives good children and they do well in life.

And......... blessed are those parents who are not financially dependent on their children and
blessed or those who do not seek financial help from their parents after securing a job! eace:

 

[sravna]

It is my view that parents can be proud of the achievements of the children if they are significantly responsible for their achievements like inculcating the right attitude, providing them the right environment and rightly grooming them in all ways possible. Parents are an important part of environment which plays a large part in the success of an individual. So let us give the parents the credit and allow them to brag about the achievements of their children.

 

[Raji Ram]

........... So let us give the parents the credit and allow them to brag about the achievements of their children.

:clap2: Thank you Sravna Sir!

 

[krish44]

Our sense of self worth is not dependent on anyone except ourselves. Any other thinking is flawed.

The accomplishment of our children is not our accomplishment. We are supposed to do our duties, that is all.

How a child turns out is influenced by us as parents by our actions but the overall result is not something we can feel proud of or feel sorry for. They are their own being, and it is really our duty to play only a caretaker and stewardship role.

Any other thinking is foundation for sorrow!

I fully agree that we are enablers and nothing more. It is our duty to play this role. in case they turn out to be performers, there is no particular

reason why we parents should not be proud of it. Agreed it is primarily their achievement but as enablers we did play our role

to say that we are only caretakers/stewards would be under playing the influence of parents on children

of course , it will be a cause of sorrow in case the children do not turn out to be what parents expect them to be

rather face the sorrow instead of happiness in this case. this is living ones life and you are bound to have joys and sorrows.we are human and not

machines

 

[krish44]

Dear TKS Sir,

What a blow from the U S of A!!

Most of tambram parents, especially the mothers, like to brag about the success of their children.

They take the credit even if their children join a prestigious institution like IIT / IIM in India or

MIT / Stanford or any other one in a similar ranking!

As far as I have seen, our good karmA gives good children and they do well in life.

And......... blessed are those parents who are not financially dependent on their children and
blessed or those who do not seek financial help from their parents after securing a job! eace:

probably some cannot realise under what trying circumstances parents bring up children and make them big achievers

parents have every right to brag about their children

of course, it is not wise for parents to become financially or otherwise dependant on their children

there are many children though well educated and with good jobs and income who live beyond their means and expect parental support

Dependance and hanging on parents is an attitude. there are many who think they have a right to their parents wealth and justify to themselves

their dependance

some sons even move into parents home with their wives to save their salaries for their future.

only in india this culture persists.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Krish Sir,

I agree that some parents strive hard to educate their children and have every right to brag about them.

But neither all gold medalists become rich nor all average students fail to become rich. I strongly believe

that it is the good karmA of the ancestors which makes the following generations affluent and win in life!

 

[Raji Ram]

One of my cousins who was so well settled in life has a daughter about to finish her studies and his son still in school.

He had great ambition to find a good match for his daughter and conduct a grand galA wedding. He gave the advance

invitation to all of us to come to the U S of A for the wedding! Alas! He had a massive heart attack when he was heading

to his office and died very soon! What will happen to his aspirations? The relatives can only condole his death and console

his wife. Now, she has to struggle to bring up her son and get her daughter married.

This is nothing but fate and bad karmA! :sad:

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish Sir,

I agree that some parents strive hard to educate their children and have every right to brag about them.

But neither all gold medalists become rich nor all average students fail to become rich. I strongly believe

that it is the good karmA of the ancestors which makes the following generations affluent and win in life!

RRji
I do not believe in karma theories

generation of wealth requires a different skill set not part of academic curriculam

there is nice book ''rich dad poor dad'' on this subject

It is fairly easy to become affluent and perhaps train children to develop right attitude to generation of wealth

in fact with your talents and IT background you can easily be a.

millionaire if you apply your skills a bit.lol

 

[krish44]

One of my cousins who was so well settled in life has a daughter about to finish her studies and his son still in school.

He had great ambition to find a good match for his daughter and conduct a grand galA wedding. He gave the advance

invitation to all of us to come to the U S of A for the wedding! Alas! He had a massive heart attack when he was heading

to his office and died very soon! What will happen to his aspirations? The relatives can only condole his death and console

his wife. Now, she has to struggle to bring up her son and get her daughter married.

This is nothing but fate and bad karmA! :sad:

madam
it may only be a temporary set back

perhaps wedding and sons education will take some time and they should cope to get over it

I suppose his extended family should help them face the future .

 

[Haridasa Siva]

There is a saying in Telugu:

"Poojagu koddu mogudu; dhaanaanigu koddu biddalu"

My translation:
The husband (read spouse) one gets depends upon the effect of one's prayers and the children on one's charity.

But there is nothing wrong to feel happy about success of children.

 

[krish44]

Times have changed.the challenges that the young face are manifold

Academic education is very expensive and there is so much competition that most find it difficut to cope. reservation policies are also adding to

difficulties. Post graduation from a foreign univ or top IIM is way out . these add to financial burden

Jobs are scarce.most jobs call for 10 to 12 of work with erratic working hours.

Girls who are also equally well educated and employed are putting unreasonable terms for marriage

boys are feeling the heat

relationships are going on the rocks

most parents along with children are finding it difficult to cope with all this

add to it the transportation hassles, safety concerns in metros in india

the country is no longer a place where children can hope for a decent life

unless parents bond with children there is no easy way out

parents should consider themselves lucky if they have come thru it without much damage to themselves and children

where is the thought of feeling good about all this?

only feeling is we have somehow endured this and our children have come out of ths muddle with minimum scars and bruises

 

[tbs]

One of my cousins who was so well settled in life has a daughter about to finish her studies and his son still in school.

He had great ambition to find a good match for his daughter and conduct a grand galA wedding. He gave the advance

invitation to all of us to come to the U S of A for the wedding! Alas! He had a massive heart attack when he was heading

to his office and died very soon! What will happen to his aspirations? The relatives can only condole his death and console

his wife. Now, she has to struggle to bring up her son and get her daughter married.

This is nothing but fate and bad karmA! :sad:

hi madam,

i believe in fate/karma...i had my own story....i joined indian army...i have to serve till 58 yrs...i never had dream abt USA....i got

early retirement and moved to USA.....i can stay back in india.....i have all facilities from army..but i never used....my daughter

is doing MD in USA...its impossible in india....as a brahmin..i never get a medical seat...other wise i have to pay/spend

millions of rupees...i never spend single penny/paise for her MD in a prestigious medical school....believe it or not...

This is nothing but fate and bad karmA....its her fate /karma to be in USA....

 

[tks]

I fully agree that we are enablers and nothing more. It is our duty to play this role. in case they turn out to be performers, there is no particular

reason why we parents should not be proud of it. Agreed it is primarily their achievement but as enablers we did play our role

to say that we are only caretakers/stewards would be under playing the influence of parents on children

of course , it will be a cause of sorrow in case the children do not turn out to be what parents expect them to be

rather face the sorrow instead of happiness in this case. this is living ones life and you are bound to have joys and sorrows.we are human and not

machines

Sri Krish

I am not suggesting to be a robot - feeling happy or sad about results of anyone closer to us is being human.

However there is no reason to feel ownership to those results which is determined by large number of factors and hidden variables outside our control. The emphasis is purely one of cognitive understanding which is an aspect of emotional maturity

 

[tks]

Dear TKS Sir,

What a blow from the U S of A!!

Most of tambram parents, especially the mothers, like to brag about the success of their children.

They take the credit even if their children join a prestigious institution like IIT / IIM in India or

MIT / Stanford or any other one in a similar ranking!

As far as I have seen, our good karmA gives good children and they do well in life.

And......... blessed are those parents who are not financially dependent on their children and
blessed or those who do not seek financial help from their parents after securing a job! eace:

Dear Mrs RR

Yes, mothers and fathers like to brag.

In my understanding - and I am not expecting people to readily agree with me- bragging and pride elements are a form of emotional weakness.

If we decide to have a rose plant at our home hopefully we sign up to our duty to water it and take care of the growth of the plant. If the rose that blooms smells very nice there is no reason to feel proud that the rose is smelling so nice. Or if the plant does not yield anything nice except thorns there is no reason to feel a sense of shame. The plant follows its nature. Your duty once you undertook the role to install a plant in your home is to water and take care of it. There is no failure or success in discharging our duties with right attitude.

I know many will object equating the success of a child with the growth of a plant. If one were to think about it one will find there is not a big difference.

Having said all this I do agree that almost all people will do what you have stated in your post.

 

[Raji Ram]

RRji
1. I do not believe in karma theories.
........
2. in fact with your talents and IT background you can easily be a millionaire if you apply your skills a bit.lol

Dear Krish Sir,

1. I strongly believe! By this, I don't mean to say that we should not put in any efforts for betterment and believe only in luck!
2. Not so easily, unless luck favors you!! :angel: Some of us refer to this luck as 'chuzhi'!

P.S: There are many not so affluent talents and skills in this world! :sad:

 

[Raji Ram]

Thank you TKS Sir for your reply.

 

[Raji Ram]

There is a famous village in Kerala which I have visited a few times. Many mAmis in that village are affluent and once any new lady
enters the village, they will measure the amount of gold and diamond worn by her and decide whether to talk to her or not! :decision:

P.S: They will display all their grand silk sarees - the iron wallah will press them and keep on the bench in the varandha for others to see (and envy??)!!

 

[sarang]

True vanaprasta, in modern times!

And......... blessed are those parents who are not financially dependent on their children and
blessed or those who do not seek financial help from their parents after securing a job! eace:

 

[Vaagmi]

Dear TKS Sir,

What a blow from the U S of A!!

Most of tambram parents, especially the mothers, like to brag about the success of their children.

They take the credit even if their children join a prestigious institution like IIT / IIM in India or

MIT / Stanford or any other one in a similar ranking!

As far as I have seen, our good karmA gives good children and they do well in life.

And......... blessed are those parents who are not financially dependent on their children and
blessed or those who do not seek financial help from their parents after securing a job! eace:



Dear Mrs RR

Yes, mothers and fathers like to brag.

In my understanding - and I am not expecting people to readily agree with me- bragging and pride elements are a form of emotional weakness.

If we decide to have a rose plant at our home hopefully we sign up to our duty to water it and take care of the growth of the plant. If the rose that blooms smells very nice there is no reason to feel proud that the rose is smelling so nice. Or if the plant does not yield anything nice except thorns there is no reason to feel a sense of shame. The plant follows its nature. Your duty once you undertook the role to install a plant in your home is to water and take care of it. There is no failure or success in discharging our duties with right attitude.

I know many will object equating the success of a child with the growth of a plant. If one were to think about it one will find there is not a big difference.

Having said all this I do agree that almost all people will do what you have stated in your post.

My ten rupees:

1. Pride and bragging are not indicative of emotional weakness. They are rather the manifestation of a desire to express happiness derived on achievement. This desire is of primordial origin. It was chest thumping then and it is in a different form now. More the effort put in more is the happiness at the fruition. More happiness is expressed by a more vigorous "chest thumping". When the woman brags "my son/daughter" has cleared Ivy League Degree she may be satisfied to see the envious flash in the eyes of her neighbour. The Dad when he says "my son/daughter" he may say that "my" with a special stress which only he knows. For a Gujarati Dad and Mom the pride and bragging may be for a completely different achievement. Go to Gujarat and you will find banners screaming in Bus and Railway station with the words"Naukri Chodo". The stress there is to start a business and make it big. A dad or a mom there would be proud and will be bragging if the son/daughter starts a business and shines there or has made a million in share market in a short period after starting with a small corpus of a lakh of rupees borrowed from dad.

2. The rose plant, if wilts, we will certainly be sad and will be wondering where we went wrong.

3. To me it appears parental upbringing, swamEdhaya of the boy/girl, the environment in which they live (an under nourished Somali child and a Gujarati baby do not have the same start line), the opportunities that present themselves and a little bit of fate all play a role in the path taken by an individual. In this the parents' role becomes crucial because the child picks up its early rudiments of a value system (the basic building blocks) from them which stays till end getting only modified a little bit here and there like a car tinkered and repainted.

 

[vgane]

We (Parents) have a role to mold our children by guiding them till the age of 12 years..After that we can only tell them what is right and what is wrong..It is up to the kids to get self realization and take up the appropriate path..Adolescents are guided by friends (peer pressure), surrounding environment and media (Internet/TV/Paper)

We can provide strong roots (foundation)..But children can go berserk despite that..I know how hostel life spoils the adolescents

As far as opportunities are concerned we can give the children the tools but it is up to them to snatch the opportunities..Children have to experience self actualization to develop one's full potential..They need to develop a strong will and take initiatives to achieve their goal..Without all this they cannot flower..Despite parents best efforts we have seen children turning a cropper