Pressure Of Marriage on Men

[krish44]

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Have you ever wondered why pressure of marriage on men is never discussed ?

The root cause of this pressure is the expectation that a man has to earn more than a woman to be accepted and be also better qualified academically.

This limits seriously the career choices of men

They need to choose engineering ,IT or finance sector with a good management degree from a top instiute in india or abroad.to fulfill the needs of women aspiring

for a high quality of life with the most comfortable house with all the consumer durables with best dresses and jewellery to display.

most men faced with limited career choices and need for higher incomes are often forced to postpone marriage until thirtees sometimes to meet

the aspirations of womenfolk

most men are now pushed to the wall and have started fearing to get committed to any woman or get tied to permanent relationship.

they are also examining the alternatives of temporary live ins or one night stands to compensate for late marriage

women aspiring for both safety and protection from menfolk need to consider if it is worthwhile stressing men to such an extent that they are driven into a

corner and forced to stay alone as they cannot afford to get married.

Am I imagining or is this really happening to all our men?

 

[sangom]

Have you ever wondered why pressure of marriage on men is never discussed ?

< Clipped >

Am I imagining or is this really happening to all our men?

Shri krish ji,


You are not merely imagining. There was an article in yesterday's Deccan chronicle saying that in UK, marriage has become the prerogative of the very rich only and that men belonging to the ordinary workforce classes are moving away from marriage, with the result that the number of single parent children has considerably increased since 2000 or so.

A similar situation might come in India also, but as of now, at least among tabra parents, I see a great urge to get their son/s married at any cost, even if the son is a real buddhoo with no decent job, reasonable looks or education etc. And, the parents do get some girl, even NB then conduct the marriage and be very exulted about that achievement!

 

[SANDHYAV]

I know of a friend who fought and won out of this type of marriage. So what is the BIG idea of this topic? The smartest ones will stay clear of any drama. Most parents have some short term goals around this marriage. But the FEAR is ultra-short-term goals from which they have most to learn from.

When i mean Ultra-sort-term, i mean, getting the cost of marriage back by some means. Torturing directly or indirectly by getting involved in the husband-wife relationship, as though they have a big share in it, coz they spent on their marriage. 5 or 10 years down the line, it will be totally obvious as to what will win.

Will it be the posh and splendor of the marriage or its traditionalism or the true values of the couple to live with family values.

To me it appears that marriage as such creates some unwarranted fear (short term) among the young and confuses responsibilities towards elders at large. The elders are just throwing a big party for their friends thats all.

 

[indianassault]

Absolutlely. Girl s parents spend a fortune on the marriage, so its obvious they want to have a say in the matters involving their daughter and her husband.

 

[SANDHYAV]

No-body is questioning the sanctity of the ceremony. Although i personally would not want to know, i am sure there are meanings in the procedures followed in the ceremony. Philosophers in this field will quote books and scriptures to their debate. But...

indianassault boss! u spend 1 crore on a thomas and cook travel. u go with the planner. once you come home, u have all the photos in your smartphone. The marriage is not a simplistic representation of the same. Sometimes, they are cheap as business.

The other day i was in a so called TAMBRAM wedding. the bride's side proclaimed themselves as conducting (we will call them 'the chief spender') a TAMBRAM wedding. But those fat thugs were more like madagascarian cartoons than representing a cultured wedding representatives.

the dark side is money is poured in. No-body ( i mean the main parties involved ) really values the formalities of the ceremony. Neither they have time to care. the function ends and all packed and gone.

But my point is, months after the ceremony, 'the chief spender' asking for the couple to do this, to come and visit this and do that--- is a NO NO. Only dumb ones will bend for all this nonsense. Every young couple knows this stupid ceremony will end in 2-3 days and the life will start as usual as it should be.

I have a suggestion, why don't 'the chief spender', deposit the amount and plan a future like this...

5 years after the marriage 10 % will go to this ceremony in this mandapam
15 years after the marriage 25 % will go to this ceremony only if there is a child in the family
25 years after the marriage 50 % will go to this ceremony for this function in that temple

that way the business is not compromised, also the money does not look as though it has gone in a lottery!

 

[KRN]

This is very true. My question is - why marry at all? With marriage most men stop developing their talents unless it gives some money. Most men end up as highly selfish fellows who simply could not look beyond the immediate circle of wife and kids and/or other family members. And such plodders are praised by society whereas they have actually ruined their talents.

Have you ever wondered why pressure of marriage on men is never discussed

Am I imagining or is this really happening to all our men?

 

[sravna]

Marriage is such a pressure these days because the expectations of girls are very high and one has to cope up with the pressure on a day to day basis. And this pressure continues forever with the education, marriage and well being of children to be taken care of.

So I would say if one copes up well with the pressures of marriage he can be deemed to be a successful person. It has become a challenge to be successful in marriage but I think one should take up this challenge and learn to handle the consequences if things go wrong and not shy away from it because the secret of success is in solving problems and not in shying away from them.

 

[renuka]

Marriage is such a pressure these days because the expectations of girls are very high and one has to cope up with the pressure on a day to day basis. And this pressure continues forever with the education, marriage and well being of children to be taken care of.

So I would say if one copes up well with the pressures of marriage he can be deemed to be a successful person. It has become a challenge to be successful in marriage but I think one should take up this challenge and learn to handle the consequences if things go wrong and not shy away from it because the secret of success is in solving problems and not in shying away from them.

Frankly speaking I feel Indians in India are becoming too materialistic and lazy and ruin their chances of even experiencing life in that process.

Everyone wants a ready made tailor made life and not willing to even accept that life is how we make it and live it and not just walk into life an expect life to fit into our expectations.

Partly I feel Indians are to blame for this becos life of Hindus is all about planning too much and believing too much in horoscope..everyone has become stuck with the mindset that perfection can be planned.

Indians seem to be losing the Art of Living.

In other countries no one faces this much problems when it comes to marriage.

This is the price one has to pay when perfection is sought


I read once a wise man said...'Life is perfect in only one sense..it is perfectly imperfect"

 

[sravna]

Dear Renuka,

You are saying the ulta. By nature of people, planning for anything is a lot more in other countries than in India. Since we have copied them, we are also planning in excess and hence losing out on the joy.

 

[krish44]

No-body is questioning the sanctity of the ceremony. Although i personally would not want to know, i am sure there are meanings in the procedures followed in the ceremony. Philosophers in this field will quote books and scriptures to their debate. But...

indianassault boss! u spend 1 crore on a thomas and cook travel. u go with the planner. once you come home, u have all the photos in your smartphone. The marriage is not a simplistic representation of the same. Sometimes, they are cheap as business.

The other day i was in a so called TAMBRAM wedding. the bride's side proclaimed themselves as conducting (we will call them 'the chief spender') a TAMBRAM wedding. But those fat thugs were more like madagascarian cartoons than representing a cultured wedding representatives.

the dark side is money is poured in. No-body ( i mean the main parties involved ) really values the formalities of the ceremony. Neither they have time to care. the function ends and all packed and gone.

But my point is, months after the ceremony, 'the chief spender' asking for the couple to do this, to come and visit this and do that--- is a NO NO. Only dumb ones will bend for all this nonsense. Every young couple knows this stupid ceremony will end in 2-3 days and the life will start as usual as it should be.

I have a suggestion, why don't 'the chief spender', deposit the amount and plan a future like this...

5 years after the marriage 10 % will go to this ceremony in this mandapam
15 years after the marriage 25 % will go to this ceremony only if there is a child in the family
25 years after the marriage 50 % will go to this ceremony for this function in that temple

that way the business is not compromised, also the money does not look as though it has gone in a lottery!

LOl sandyav talking like a true finance manager. you can be given finance portfolio in bjp cabinet.

limiting expenses on pujas and ceremonies and not splurging on pomp and show in marriages is desirable but not easily achievable in TB society.

it is because of sudden opening out of indian economy in nineties and many parents are spending lavishly on marriages and not thinking of needs of couples after

wedding . Most think they have a right over their childrens life as they have bank rolled the wedding.they keep interfering and also emotionally blackmail them to get

part of what they have spent on them recklessly back.children also feel guilty as they are not able to live upto parents expectations as they have their own

commitments to wife and they have to think of their own future alsp .All because of stupidity of some parents to blow up on items which give no happiness to anyone in

the long run

 

[krish44]

Dear Renuka,

You are saying the ulta. By nature of people, planning for anything is a lot more in other countries than in India. Since we have copied them, we are also planning in excess and hence losing out on the joy.

There is a perverted view that lack of planning is good living

There two classes of people , Those who plan and end up over planning planning for multiple scenarios and contingencies which is disastrous.

The other class which takes life as it comes and gives knee jerk reactions if anything untoward happens .

The real need is something in between which some learn thru experience and many who do not care to learn all life

All meet the same end in life . They die and are reduced to dust. But some have a miserable death and others have a peaceful end depending on the path traversed in

life

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

You are saying the ulta. By nature of people, planning for anything is a lot more in other countries than in India. Since we have copied them, we are also planning in excess and hence losing out on the joy.

Nope...you dont want to admit what I am telling.

You see in other countries..people marry ..they make it work out..they save money together after marriage...they do not walk into the planned lives..they make it work out..if it works..it works..if it fails..it fails.

I never even asked my husband how much he earned when I married him(arranged marriage)..becos I knew he is an engineer and I am a doc..so we both can build our lives.
The life I have today is what my husband and I build together.

Its not hard even for those who are not professionals..just try to live within reasonable means.

But I have noted that the lesser the education level of females these days the more their demands.

But what to do men too prefer lesser educated females and marry below their education level thinking less intelligent females feed their ego and end up facing pressure..so too bad if men suffer!LOL

 

[krish44]

Nope...you dont want to admit what I am telling.

You see in other countries..people marry ..they make it work out..they save money together after marriage...they do not walk into the planned lives..they make it work out..if it works..it works..if it fails..it fails.

I never even asked my husband how much he earned when I married him(arranged marriage)..becos I knew he is an engineer and I am a doc..so we both can build our lives.
The life I have today is what my husband and I build together.

Its not hard even for those who are not professionals..just try to live within reasonable means.

But I have noted that the lesser the education level of females these days the more their demands.

But what to do men too prefer lesser educated females and marry below their education level thinking less intelligent females feed their ego and end up facing pressure..so too bad if men suffer!LOL

You are wrong renukaji

All men only suffer .only double income men suffer less.lol

 

[renuka]

You are wrong renukaji

All men only suffer .only double income men suffer less.lol

Let me add..double patni men suffer the most!LOL

 

[krish44]

Jokes apart, Irrespective of country One party in marriage needs to have sense of finance.[ Whether one or both earn is not much relevant. It means more money as

disposable income for double income families]. Inter personal equations undergo a radical change with a working wife and men also feel the pressures of educated

intelligent wives who may not accept male superiority or feed mens ego.Males position as sole provider is compromised and threatened. this is far damaging and stress

creating than a non working wife where superiority is not in doubt.In this case also there is stress of different kind -to fulfill the needs of luxury of a foolish housewife.

The issue is then -which is the lesser evil and less stress creating? Difficult to decide.

 

[SANDHYAV]

Everyone throws in ketchup here as there is no set guidelines. Let me expand this bit on EXPECTATIONS across generation. What i mean is the parents expect something from their sibs. They should expect ZERO. 20 year gap between them and what do they know of what will come.

Firstly, the grannies are a special IDIOT BOXES. No job, lots of money and lots of empty mind with devil doing its sharp tools in workshop.

Lets have an example here....

Last year a girl's parent visits the boys parent 2 years after marriage and tells them, the girl is always in sobs, and their son needs to GIVE SOMETHING.. The girl and boy are living 2000 miles apart in the name of both of them studying!!

The Ego of the parent to not let the boy and girl meet until after the studies even after marriage? GIVE something- this confused our boy very much. so to so he GAVE-UP his studies and finally they landed in PURE DIVORCE. how cool is that?

Again this entire ASIAN wedding thing is some mixture of bangra, money and presumed social status, only amounting to DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR.

 

[krish44]

It can be taxing on both boy and girl if they have to live apart after marriage.This often happens if they marry very young or after being married for a few years , one of

them wants to improve academic qualification.If the separation stretches more than a year , the marriage is under a strain.

It is better youngsters postpone marriage until completion of studies,

I have both types of cases in my family . Where boy and girl waited for 4-5 years for marriage since both wanted PG qualification from different places .

in another , the girl wanted PG qualification and boy had to manage without the girl

In both cases youngsters suffer due to separation.

this is one reason , falling in love young can be a disaster for both boy and girl and can create problems for parents

parents end up as villains becoming the cause for separation of two people in love .

they have their own insecurities and doubts regarding ability of boy and girl to survive without getting fully educated and getting a few degrees more.

divorce can happen even if people are together all the time. familiarity as some member has written in her post sometimes breeds contempt and hatred for the mate

why blame it on the asian wedding and all that which goes with it? youngsters should be thankful, no one played spoil sport and parents blessed the youngsters in love

and getting married

 

[renuka]

Que Sera Sera...whatever will be will be...the future's not ours to see..Que Sera Sera..what will be will be.

 

[SANDHYAV]

Blessings should not cause much pressure. coz the surface area of a flower or rice is not that much.

If you imagine head to be a sphere, the surface area being the least for any weight assuming a spherical shape, then the amount of force such as mentioned (anxiety, insecurity, paranoia etc ) above is bound to cause significant pressure if you remember your physics of pressure being force by surface area (newton/sq m ).

All the insecurities and anxieties are displaced at best. Misplaced is bad term. Most elders have their own insecurities in their own married life. One of my friend says how immediately after marriage, the mother-in-law, started vomiting how she struggled with abortion, and moving places and how the father-in-law forced her to do lot of things!!!!

The weight of vomit was so much that my surgeon friend changed his profession to be a psychiatrist with special interest in marital affairs. If it had not been for an evolved mind the vomit would have had an equal and opposite reaction in the in-laws.

 

[krish44]

sandyav,what do you imagine, youngsters only to be the smartest guys/gals, parents should only close their eyes and act dumb when the children who are supposed to be getting

academic education in universities fritter away their time in pursuing other activities such as bird watching [boys] and hand holding . There is a price [not necessary

monetory ] for everything.. If parents feel insecure and anxious regarding their children , the cause is activities of children which have repurcussions on the family. .

To say that the parents have insecurities regarding their own marriage, you might be correct but they share their experiences with you so that you are aware such things could happen . of course

, this might bias the next generation about inter personal relationships. The best approach of next generation is to listen to all , use own judgement and do what

appears the best course of action. One can choose ones friends , not own parents . thats is one fact in life all have to face.

 

[renuka]

It can be taxing on both boy and girl if they have to live apart after marriage.This often happens if they marry very young or after being married for a few years , one of

them wants to improve academic qualification.If the separation stretches more than a year , the marriage is under a strain.

Dear Krish ji,

I have noted this strain is only felt if both boy and girl never had a boyfriend or girlfriend before marriage.

Becos the types that never knew anything about Lovvu usually get carried away by lust after marriage and feel that they cant even stay a minute without their spouses.

Those who know about Lovvu usually do not get that desperate to be 24/7 with spouse.

 

[krish44]

Quite True Renukaji

These youngsters have a lot to learn from wise old people of this forum.

what is stability and maturity requires experience of a kind many of them lack.

first love culminating in marriage can be a disaster,

failed love with arranged marriage later by efforts by parents is the solution to all the problems faced by youngsters.

these lead to a mature approach to love and marriage and in such arranged marriages both boy and girl realise actual separation from spouse is a blessing in disguise to be celebrated.lol

 

[SANDHYAV]

death death!!!

Let me disagree with all regarding THE wise old COMBO.

every rule said above can cause pressure on wise-youngsters. No youngster should be made to believe in any of the above doctrines especially when it comes to arranged marriage. This is more than a mere gossip in public. It appears to me to be creating a propulsion only matched by nitro-cotton exploding to cause a revolution.

So what is the BIG IDEA?

Wisdom does not have direct relationship with age. Why shouldn't first lovee result in marriage? dismay when anyone say that! Looks like someone wants to delete the first step in a chain of chemical reaction!!

What made you frame these guidelines? some lip service is being done in the name of olden, golden, molten lava. MOVE enough is emitted in this thread already..

99% of couple in arranged marriage keep fighting behind walls on silly belly telys. ( now i know what you are going to say--this is not failed lovee, but helps you mature in your marriage, i can see that when you cough up bad emotions with your LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ), but when will you mature?? Substances mature when burried deep under earth.

Hope this unusually long explanation concludes old age and wisdom is a no no, but a kind of geriatric-junky aka GERIATRUNKY.

 

[renuka]

Why shouldnt first lovee result in marriage? dismay when anyone say that!

Firstly even the existence of Lovvu is debatable!LOL

Really...its the nature of humans to bond with one another to feed the personal egos.

Who feeds our ego the best we love him/her the most!

Then comes children..we love children becos they belong to us...in a way we treat children as if they are our emotional slaves.

When a child grows up and spreads his/her wings even then parents do not want to let go.

They might let you go far physically but mentally they want you to 'belong' to them.

The whole human society is based on the concept of emotional slavery.

Now coming back to 1st Lovvu...there is no such thing as 1st Lovvu...it is so happen everything in this world started from the Number 1 that is why we call it First Lovvu.

Just say if Numbers did not exists? Then we will only call it Love and not number it.

Further more when we use the word First Love we call it First becos we know there is bound to be a Second and Third and so on!

That is the 2nd is implied when we use the word 1st.

That is why in Advaita we say Non Dualism..ADVAITA..it means Non Dual...there is no second.

When we use the word Non Dual..a 2nd is NOT implied..it means Only One.

Like wise when we use the word First Love..its means thats not true Love cos a 2nd,3rd, 4th and 5th is bound to exists.

So the correct word is Non Dual Love!

And as we know anything that is Non Dual comes with Maya..so for all practical purpose even Non Dual Love will have its fair share of Maya to confuse the situation..hence people choose Qualified Non Dual Love and have a nice time with the 1 2 3 4 Get on the Dance Floor!LOL

 

[SANDHYAV]

Perfect pitch for another disagreement!

My conclusion is going to be my opening now. The entire thread converts the emotion LOVEE to something of a disease and is looking for another polish greek name. Disgusting, disappointing, discourse doctor dr.DINOSAURS; dotal disagreement.

Another thing i have noticed off-late is the so called LOST IN TRANSLATION. No-body has got a certificate to prove that they actually translated ADVAITA from its original meaning. when i mean original meaning it should include the politico economic aka social climate of the time the word was used and expanded.

So if you translate the arranged marriage thingi ( that is a disease for sure or else i wont call it thingi ) to present climate then it sits top on the head of a dinosaur that as you know is still alive, i mean as fossils with methane perfusing through intense earth.