Strikes

[rgurus]

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If there is a bus strike, the roads are safe
If there is a railway strike, rail accidents are less
If there is a doctors' strike, patients are safe for the time being
If there is a bank strike, you spend less on those days
If there is a students' strike, teachers have a hay day
If there is a teachers' strike, students have a jolly good time
If there is a government servants' strike, those days are corruption free
Then why worry about strikes?

 

[rgurus]

Jokes in English

"Is there an easy ​way to avoid becoming old?
Asked the sishya who was rather sharp and bold.
Yes, there is. The one easy way is to die young
Said the Guru with his caustic tongue"

 

[Raji Ram]

..... Then why worry about strikes?

No need as long as the wife does not start a strike at home!! out:

P.S: If font size is bold and black in size 5, it hurts the eyes, Guruji!!

 

[rgurus]

Teacher: We are all here to help others.
Student: Why the hell are others here then for?

 

[rgurus]

I need a longer weekend,
because I need more time to do nothing

 

[rgurus]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

 

[rgurus]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were under training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are shown in the picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a in testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds “… think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The third blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer… wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it… it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

 

[rgurus]

Wife standing in front of a mirror and telling to her husband, “I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?”

Husband replied, “Your eyesight is still excellent.”
C

 

[rgurus]

ANECDOTE

We used to conduct refresher courses to in-service engineers from all over the country and abroad on subjects of topical interest and the usual tenure of the courses will be for a fortnight to a month. One such course was conducted in our centre for which we got deputees from Saudi Arabia, Bangladesh, SriLanka and so on. Those who were deputed were invariably either middle level Engineers or senior engineers. They were generally not permitted to come with their spouses (or their families) and hence they have to necessarily leave their families at home and come to attend the course. On the valedictory day of the course they would be felicitated, given certificates and then a send off.
At the end of one such valedictory function I was talking to the man from Saudi Arabia who seemed to be extremely excited and asked him ' I hope you have been away from your wife and family for the past two weeks and so naturally I believe you are most eagerly looking forward to going home to meet your wife'. Immediately came the reply ' WHO WILL NOT BE HAPPY TO SEE MY WIFE?

 

[rgurus]

Dad writes on son’s facebook wall:
Dear Son, how are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please turn off the computer and come down for dinner.

 

[rgurus]

Women are like fruits. Every woman has her own unique taste and colour.

But
The problem is the men. They seem to love Fruit Salad

 

[rgurus]

One Million copies of a new book got sold in just two days all because of a typing error.
"an idea that can change your Wife", while the real word was "Life"!

 

[rgurus]

What is the difference between stress, tension and panic
Stress is when the wife is pregnant.
Tension is when the girl friend bis pregnant
Panic is when both are pregnant

 

[rgurus]

Judge: Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Man: Your Honour, It is easier to shoot a WOMAN ONCE, than shooting ONE MAN EVERY WEEK.

 

[rgurus]

What is the difference between stress, tension and panic
Stress is when the wife is pregnant.
Tension is when the girl friend bis pregnant
Panic isv when both are pregnant

 

[CHANDRU1849]

Judge: Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Man: Your Honour, It is easier to shoot a WOMAN ONCE, than shooting ONE MAN EVERY WEEK.

It is actually a French joke I heard long time back.

 

[rgurus]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped Centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!“

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Its OK, that's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

 

[yesmohan]

If there is wives' strike,husbands enjoy tasty food in hotels!!

 

[rgurus]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped Centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!“
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Its OK, that's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

 

[vgane]

Dad writes on son’s facebook wall:
Dear Son, how are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please turn off the computer and come down for dinner.

Which son would allow an intruding father..Most likely he would have clicked Unfriend

 

[rgurus]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”


“Why?”, asked the girl.


“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

 

[rgurus]

ANECDOTE
This is no joke! It really happened!
When we sent a proposal to Delhi for sanction of funds for conducting seminars in our department, giving the break up details for the same such as payment to lecturers, cost of their travel and accommodation, cost of refreshments etc, we got the approval from Delhi within a few days, a very rare gesture indeed! But when we saw in the sanction order an approval for an item 'SNAKES' @ Rs 10/- per candidate per day, we were flabbergasted! (snakes for Rs 10/- per candidate. It was not a bad amount at that time. But what can you get now for that paltry Rs10/- ? not even a rat!). It took sometime for us to realise that it must be SNACKS and later on got it confirmed over phone from Delhi that it was only a typographical error! With that our worry over searching for supply of snakes to the participants, which would have been a sneaky task, was over!

 

[rgurus]

Cracking jokes!
'There are altogether a dozen cracks in the building ' Said the engineer who had come to inspect that office room after a complaint was lodged with him about the poor condition of that old building.
"But we are only eleven in our Department including our Professor" said that youngish lecturer who took over the post only a few days before!

 

[rgurus]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomach is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

An old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding Cake!

 

[rgurus]

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?“
“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied.
“It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”