Thoughts of a 'Stay At Home Mom' (SAHM)

[JR]

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EDIT: This post is from FB. Source in the end.

I was surprised… I had just moved to the US from India and was talking to a parent at my son’s new preschool…. Seeing the question mark on my face, the beautiful Cuban lady with solitaires in her ears explained, “My mother had to work to support all of us… Am lucky that my husband earns enough and I can be a stay at home mom ….”
This was the first time in a really long time that I heard someone genuinely happy being a stay at home mom… She was doing it by her own choice and relishing it…!
Back in India I had usually met SAHM’s who were not being allowed to work by husbands / in laws or were at home for their young children’s sake….. In fact I even met a 50+ professor at a reputed school in Mumbai (India) who said that she regrets being a SAHM for her children …She felt that her kids would have grown up just fine even if she had been a working mom and she could have easily become principal by now…
What the Cuban lady said was like a whiff of fresh air… It then dawned on me that there are mothers who opt to be SAHM for their OWN sake too!! Not for their children, not for their husbands, not for in laws, not for anyone but themselves! They sincerely want to enjoy the childhood of their children… And that is when you start enjoying being a SAHM… otherwise you are always wondering if you should be working or not….
So I thought, let me try this way of life too…. I had been a SAHM for my kid’s first year of life in India post which I became a working mom in India itself for 2 years… Now my son was four and I was in a new country… So in spite of having all the legal documents to work in USA, I decided to be at home and experiment being a SAHM by MY CHOICE…. This is how it went…

1. I became INDEPENDENT! Yes, you read correctly… I was more dependant as a WM…. Dependant on my maid, dependant on my in laws, dependant on my parents , dependant on anyone and everyone I could find who could baby sit my child while I got ‘more important’ work stuff done…. Now I feel “INDEPENDENT” & “FREE”!
2. Mornings became much easier because I was not in any hurry to get anywhere… I usually spent the first few minutes reading a book to my son … He loves books… It’s amazing how spending the fifteen minutes with your kids in the morning in bed can change the way the whole day goes!
3. Mealtimes became relaxed and tasty! I was so used to having bad food cooked by my cook and microwaved in the office in India that I couldn’t believe that a fresh simple self-cooked meal could taste so delightful…
4. I was petrified of cooking in India… But, looking at youtube videos and trying different cuisines for my son has given me a basic confidence in my culinary skills… In fact he joins me in the kitchen when I am cooking something new…
5. The stress of the ever disappearing maid has gone from my life… it feels like a huge albatross that had been hanging around my neck…. Doing all the work myself has its benefits….
6. I can let my children BE… I used to limit my son in India because I was worried he might fall sick and I won’t be able to attend my meeting the other day …… So no playing in puddles, no drinking cold drinks, and many other such bans which I have lifted now…
7. Every day I watch my ten month old do something new and I marvel at god’s creation … I didn’t quite observe my first born for 3 years of his life … I deeply regret it … But I try to make up for it now with my second born…
8. My house has a peaceful aura …. broken stuff gets repaired… House gets cleaned …. There are fresh clothes to wear…There is fresh food… Basically, there is one person to take care of the house which is a HUGE job in itself !
9. Increased mindfulness…. I had a big problem when I was working… I could never disconnect from work even after leaving office… I would be playing with my son but my mind was still trying to plan the event at office …. I was there for my kid but only physically… Now I can enjoy my kids with my 100 % presence…
10. Fewer TEMPER TANTRUMS ! Yes… This is what I have come to realise… All kids need some unadulterated Mommy and Daddy time to feel happy and secure …That means no phones and no tv…. I can give him that time now…. I can appreciate his buildings made out of pillows in real time and not over the phone ….. I can eat a meal with him at peace… I can put on the music and have a spontaneous dance session… I can enjoy his little jokes …. Whereas I see my husband unable to get off the phone even when he is home… So you know what my son does ? He chooses to sleep close to my husband (we co-sleep) …It’s my son’s way of getting some Daddy time …

THE DOWNSIDE OF BEING A SAHM

1. Lack of Appreciation ! yes, no one appreciates a SAHM whether it is India or USA… It will always be a thankless job…. When I was new in the US, I used to invite my hubby’s office colleagues and parents at Arya’s school and cook elaborate meals for them… The appreciation for my cooking and my house kept me going… However now I find that too much work… In fact now I don’t even seek appreciation … It’s like from being an employee I have become an owner… I do feel proud when my son holds the door of the elevator for a janitor in India or when he picks up someone else’s garbage and throws it …
2. Missing Colleagues … I used to enjoy chatting with my colleagues which I do miss now…. But yes, I do have my group of Mommy friends …We have a potluck once a month and get to eat some unbelievable home cooked Indian food ..… Also, yes we do discuss kids, diapers, potty training, schools etc. and not bigger issues like the country’s GDP, sales targets , 5 year projections, power points etc. But who decides that the latter are bigger and more important than the former… to each his own… I find the latter frivolous… I find kids as the real world and the rest as a make believe world created by us to just make ourselves feel more important…
3. No work future in sight … The world is changing at such a fast pace that I used to worry about my future when my kids grow up and get busy…. I will have to start from the beginning…. And that worried me till I realised that who knows what the future brings… who knows I will be even alive tomorrow… I want to enjoy my today completely… and even if I live till then, and I have to start afresh at a job, what’s wrong with that? Isn’t it a small price to pay for spending invaluable hours with your own children…. Read more at my blog https://enjoyingyourkids.wordpress.com/2015/02/01/why-did-you-have-your-child/
4. Low Self Confidence …. Yes, when you see the super confident working mothers wearing crisp formals and high heels you do feel inadequate… however, when you start talking to them and you hear about their troubles you do feel lucky again… Most working mothers I know in the US are straddling work and kids… They travel long hours to office… fall sick often… kids fall sick at daycare… can’t meet me on weekends as they need to complete household chores… I feel lucky that I was one of them but now I am out of it…out of that rigamarole… I have time to pursue my hobbies which keep me balanced… I do yoga.. I study Ayurveda… I take my kids to the park and just relax on the grass while my kids play… once in a while I attend a dance party…. There is a lovely article on self confidence here …https://chopra.infusionsoft.com/app...dde229d91b3cee8a92cc25da3b8abcc497645ca9e7one
5. Lack of Financial Independence…. I have done my postgraduate program in Communications from MICA (one of the reputed Institutes of India) and was running my family business successfully for 7 years… Yes, I do miss my own money… Something I used to liberally spend at high profile malls, no questions asked… I have become more careful now because I always feel it’s my husband’s hard earned money… I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing!

The Truth about Part Time Work
I did part time work too… You know it seems to be the best option…. But this is what I experienced…

1. Part Time work means Full time work at HALF PAY !
2. Part Time work means carrying work home
3. Even if I was not physically working , I was mentally solving work issues or getting over rude co workers in my family time
4. The money was not worth it for losing out on my peace of mind and kid’s childhood
5. It was a charade…. It made me believe that I was this amazing woman who found the balance between work and family… Actually it was more like a ‘dhobi ka kutta… na ghar ka na ghat ka‘…. (a washerman’s dog who doesn’t belong to the house nor the banks of the river – an old Indian saying for someone who is trying to do too many things) Disclaimer : you might be managing part time work very well… this is how I felt…

HOW DO I MAKE THE FINANCIALS WORK AS A SAHM ?
When my friends cry to me, “I am forced to work…I don’t have a choice…” I don’t believe them… We always have a choice… One might be a working mother because they genuinely enjoy it… Nothing wrong in it.. Just accepting that it’s your own choice whether SAHM or WM makes life easier….
I have also made some choices so that I can continue being a SAHM

1. I don’t own a house… Not in the US …not even in India… I find that owning a house puts too much pressure on us to pay the EMI which means that I need to work too…. So I prefer renting one…It gives me a lot more flexibility… and if I do need to change houses, It helps in clearing the clutter!
2. I send my son to a parent participation pre- school… that means that I work there once a week and pay a small fees …
3. I get preowned baby gear, clothes and toys from friends who don’t need it anymore…
4. I stopped buying expensive gold and diamond jewellery long back like I used to in India… It just sits in the locker..

To sum up I realised that being a working mother was like chasing a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow… I was not able to stop to admire and enjoy the beauty of the rainbow itself… You can enjoy being a SAHM only if you decide to do it for your OWN SAKE … That makes all the Difference….

https://enjoyingyourkids.wordpress.com/2015/02/26/i-am-lucky-to-be-a-stay-at-home-mom-sahm/

 

[biswa]

Hmm, for a moment, I thought it was your own experience. What is your own experience?

 

[JR]

Namaste,
If addressing a woman point-blank in a sudden conversation, it is impolite to not use a name or at least a namaste.

Now coming to your question, in the past 2 yrs I've been home, I have thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for asking.

 

[biswa]

Ok forget I asked. I did not know that you had assumed the role of etiquette police as well. I hope you did not already report my post to the moderator.

Now let me tell you that the rules of etiquette should be the same whether for men or women. Women are nothing special. And namaste is not a universal greeting. Hey y'all or vanakkam should suffice as well.

And finally if you are lifting a whole blog post from somewhere else, please make the attribution at the beginning of the post, and not as a foot note in the end. It is a thin line to plagiarism.

 

[JR]

Ok forget I asked. I did not know that you had assumed the role of etiquette police as well. I hope you did not already report my post to the moderator.

Now let me tell you that the rules of etiquette should be the same whether for men or women. Women are nothing special. And namaste is not a universal greeting. Hey y'all or vanakkam should suffice as well.

And finally if you are lifting a whole blog post from somewhere else, please make the attribution at the beginning of the post, and not as a foot note in the end. It is a thin line to plagiarism.

Expected as much! This is how someone 'arrogant' would reply typically to a genuine correction! You proved it!

There is no rule as to where the source is quoted. There is nothing wrong with quoting it in the end, FYI!

EDIT: Since I am polite by nature, I have fixed anyone's possible confusion upon reading the OP (so as not to mistake it for my own writing), by mentioning 'the source is from FB' in an EDIT line on top.

 

[krish44]

Gllorifying SAHM is the sickest thing anyone can do.

How can any one talk that they find sitting at home doing household chores and spending sometime with children as the

ultimate goal and patting oneself on the back for it.


this type of women are fit to be domestics and should be sent to slums.


even women women in slums work out a few hours to earn money.

the SAHMs are just educated parasites of society and are no better than society ladies who spend their time partying and

going to kitty parties

 

[JR]

Gllorifying SAHM is the sickest thing anyone can do.

How can any one talk that they find sitting at home doing household chores and spending sometime with children as the

ultimate goal and patting oneself on the back for it.


this type of women are fit to be domestics and should be sent to slums.


even women women in slums work out a few hours to earn money.

the SAHMs are just educated parasites of society and are no better than society ladies who spend their time partying and

going to kitty parties

No need to use words like slum, etc.

To each his/her own journey. Life cannot be approached in a 'cookie-cutter' manner for all.

There is an old saying which goes, "If you cannot say anything nice, don't say anything".

Sorry!

 

[krish44]

JRji
my post was not aimed at you personally.

You have done a commendable job of balancing home and career.

You have upgraded your IT skills to meet the demands of an exacting market, spent hours commuting to work and working home too.

THis can be exacting and a few months of your stay home in between jobs is richly deserved .

my response was to women who marry only to stay home and do nothing and act victimised by husband ,inlaws,

there are thousands of this type in india

 

[JR]

Krish ji,

I have to agree with you that as opposed to no career, atleast some form of career is a must for everyone.

But have you realized, not everyone has this blessing?

This very same topic is the one of constant debate between me and my husband, my husband thinks exactly like you --

But how can I work when I feel like a 'burnt-out coal?'.

I'm sure there are many who have similar reasons... for some reasons, they are feeling burnt-out.

And then to some unfortunate souls, there is this 'doubting husband syndrome' too... even in today's society...

Some are having much marital discord, difficulties in family front, etc.

I sympathize with those who cannot work.

 

[krish44]

JRji

One must stand up for oneself and ones convictions even if they might not be judged correct by others.

one can agree to disagree and not be a burnt out coal.

Doubting husbands deserve to be ill treated.

A few days of burnt out sambar and spoilt rasam with old cooked rice will make them sue for peace..lol

 

[krish44]

JRji

One must stand up for oneself and ones convictions even if they might not be judged correct by others.

one can agree to disagree and not be a burnt out coal.

Doubting husbands deserve to be ill treated.

A few days of burnt out sambar and spoilt rasam with old cooked rice will make them sue for peace..lol

every woman has some talent which she can monetise. it is not difficult if she has the will.only if they would try

 

[V.Balasubramani]

there are thousands of this type in india

Staying at Home and Attending Office are all one’s personal choice. Such decisions are taken only after serious consideration of various aspects like finance, health, bringing up children and their education, etc.

A neighbor of mine who was in a key post of a reputed establishment, resigned her job for the sake of helping her daughter to get through Ist Group in +2 with top score which was the ambition of her child.

There are priorities that keep changing in one's personal life. Besides there is passion.

Demeaning the act of staying at Home and glorifying those who attend Office is nothing but silly thoughts of perverted mind.

Let those who are against women who stay at Home, can very well go out, identify them and try to convert or transform them into an Office goer which will prove to be an exemplary act and a social cause instead of sitting before a system typing out whatever the mind says.

 

[krish44]

vbji
there is no qualitative difference between a person staying home and an aboriginal staying full time in a cave.lol

 

[V.Balasubramani]

vbji
there is no qualitative difference between a person staying home and an aboriginal staying full time in a cave.lol

Krishi Ji,

It is your opinion.

There are more who believe that staying at home is a bliss rather than running after money in the guise of attending Office and thus encounter lot of problems in everyday life and making life as a miserable one for them and to others around them. May some good hearts do believe that there is no qualitative difference between a person attending Office and an aboriginal full time in a cave depriving all pleasures in life. Poor souls. lol

 

[krish44]

those who are home full time incuding your truly are parasites living off society at large.

of course doing nothing particular is blissful

most retired think they have worked a lifetime and society owes them a living

we live off those around us and a benvolent govt which provides for us by giving doles.lol

there is no need to glorify it,lol

 

[V.Balasubramani]

those who are home full time incuding your truly are parasites living off society at large.

of course doing nothing particular is blissful

most retired think they have worked a lifetime and society owes them a living

we live off those around us and a benvolent govt which provides for us by giving doles.lol

there is no need to glorify it,lol

Krish Ji,

It is a vast subject.

How many of working women who work in private orgnisation get sufficient maternity leave. Do you have any idea about this?

Do you have any idea about the rest required by women before and after giving birth to a baby?

How many of them get such rest? Many of them are denied rest and had to run to Office for obvious reasons.

There is difficulty in finding a more suitable baby sitter. A friend of mines daughter working in a major IT firm gave birth to a baby and had to necessarily join Office as she was denied long leave.

She was desperately looking for a more suitable baby sitter unminding the charges. When I enquired with the locals I was shocked to hear that some of the baby sitter take the baby out and hire them to beggars for begging. Lot of things are happening around and the agonies faced by a working women are inexplicable.

It is really a blessing to be a SAHM. Only few understand the truth others go by mirage.lol

People with ‘frog in a well’ attitude fail to see to the other side of the coin which is more pathetic but come here to blah blah parasite, slum, etc etc which reflects their perverted mind.

 

[krish44]

vbji
this kind of problems are faced by working mothers who do not plan their motherood.

even before having a child one needs to plan how the child will be managed after birth.

in delhi, most working ladies plant themselves near their parents homes immediately after marriage. next door to

my place in delhi there is a creche.I see many kids who love to be there instead of their homes.

I think the issue is over blown.

it is only the incompetent families who see everything in life as a problem and are basic cribbers.

they have this mindset of pitying themselves and fish for sympathy from all. they love to play the victim card.

 

[V.Balasubramani]

Krish Ji,

Just by using words like incompetent, inefficient, overblown, too much is made out of, etc words one cannot brush aside the problems.

You talk about the planning, execution, training, etc which are meant for corporate business establishments.

It is life, human life and there is Murphy ’s Law. Things would not go according to one’s own planning. It always tends to misfire. In such a situation will you suggest Plan ‘B’?

Life is to live and enjoy every moment. Not to go for hectic hour-to-hour plan, 24 X 7 executions and reap profit like commercial organization.

Here exercising one’s personal choice, taste and desire and lead one’s own life
is more important. Have you ever thought of a relaxation technique which decreases the B.P., heart rate and in fact improves the overall wellbeing.

While I go for a walk in the morning, I don’t find much of a women folk why because they don’t have time and may say that they will try it by treadmill. But how many of them do it?

But on the contrary, when I go to temple in the evening, I find a huge gathering of women folk waiting outside a clinic anxiously for the Doctor’s visit. They earn in Office and Pay for the Doctor and Medicine and by engaging Servant maid and by purchasing all electronic gadgets that helps in Kitchen, like Oven, Coffee Making Machine, Grinder, Mixer grinder, Washing Machine, and ultimately land up with a Bill for consumption of power eating lion share of one’s
salary.

This is not blowing out of proportion, in fact this is what happening in every home and the only thing is people say they are busy and none seems to taste the sweetness of every moment of peaceful life and to realise this one requires some degree of maturity.

Just go through this poem by W.H. Davies which I read during my school days:

W. H. Davies

Leisure

WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

Source: Leisure, by W. H. Davies

 

[krish44]

vbji
I never advocate anything that I have not experienced myself.

I have managed two children with a working wife for a lifetime.

I am not worse off because of that

My children have the best of education and jobs

I have best of health and excellent day to day living.

I have servants for domestic works and driver for car.

To aid servants I have all the gadgets they can hope for .

i believe in good living and wish the same for all around me

I and my wife have a laid back style of living and have all the time in the world to reach out to anybody who cares to

approach us.This is more to keep us occupied than any spirit of service. when someone comes to me with an issue

Itry to do it for him without any other motive except it challenges my capability. in the process if someone gains

,then it is plus. I learn a lot by doing what people think is difficult. It is just for kicks . no altruistic motives.lol

 

[V.Balasubramani]

Krish Ji

Your posting sounds like Taylor Swifts Self praising song ‘I am the best person I ve ever met’.

As I told you earlier it is your personal opinion and experience which cannot be generalized.

There are lot of advantages of being a SAHM.

Becoming a SAHM is not a negative life style in fact it is an alternate lifestyle, a decision taken after considering various pros and cons and more prefer and enjoy this.

Attending Office by few to make both the ends meet is different which needs to be encouraged.

But few chose to attend Office just to escape from the drudgery of attending to house hold routine chores.

It is individual’s personal choice. One has no authority to belittle the lifestyle chosen and followed by most.

 

[krish44]

VBji
in your earlier post you ran down career women saying thet remain extra busy, end up as medical cases. they leave housework to servants and utilise gadgets and hence not a good option .visavis housewives.teir children get neglected or they have no time for them and face hardships

I was only making a point you could have all this and have good life and retire with good health having a spouse who is career oriented.

if it felt I was boasting , so be it. you asked for it running down lifestyle of career women.

women do not pursue a career to survive or escape house work drudgery. they do so like men to excel in their

chosen profession and make a mark.

you have the mindset of a MCP and require to be condemned

 

[V.Balasubramani]

Krish Ji,

You have absolutely no iota of business to comment upon me.

I was just narrating the advantages of being a SAHM.

You can differ from my opinion, but cannot expect every one in this Forum to play second fiddle to you. And hence you are of late being treated like a door mat by most. And commenting upon my mind set reflects your prejudiced mind and rude behavior.

I just remember the proverb that one cannot straighten the kink in a dog’s tail.

You behave like a typical incorrigible MCP who is prone to write such postings with rudeness reflecting your filthy mindset which requires to be highly condemned. Try to learn ethics in a Forum like this. Don't stick out like a sore thumb.

 

[JR]

One thing is there which I noticed - almost every woman who is a SAHM feels innately that her true aspirations and potential was never realized -- it could be her own making why she is a SAHM, but inspite of it, she does feel that she must have 'accomplished' earning a lot or rising up in the corporate ladder.

Only very few do not feel it. I bow down to them.

 

[Vaagmi]

those who are home full time incuding your truly are parasites living off society at large.

of course doing nothing particular is blissful

most retired think they have worked a lifetime and society owes them a living

we live off those around us and a benvolent govt which provides for us by giving doles.lol

there is no need to glorify it,lol

Krishji,

Your understanding of the very yourself and the retired people in general are completely wrong and warped. You need to reflect deeply to understand the real value of human life. I am not interested in a very involved argument on this. But I would just give you the following facts so that they help you review your views on your own value:

1. Parasites usually live off a parent organism. They never do anything themselves and they suck their needs from the parental organism(PO). The PO usually can do without this parasite. The parasites die(are coterminous) with the PO.

Now you please compare and conclude whether you are this parasite.

2. Retired people do not live off those around them. There is no free tea party for any one here. And the pension if any earned by a retiree is not dole. The pension is a matter of right and the Govt./or employer does not pay it out of any benevolence. If my understanding is right, throughout the service of an employee he contributes from his earnings to a pension fund and the pension fund which is a corpus is managed separately from which the pension is paid after retirement. So it is money squirreled away by a pensioner for the rainy day by sacrificing a certain part of his buying power during his productive period of employment. I do not understand how you call this a dole. I am myself not a pensioner but I have many friends who are pensioners.

Your understanding is completely wrong.

 

[Vaagmi]

One thing is there which I noticed - almost every woman who is a SAHM feels innately that her true aspirations and potential was never realized -- it could be her own making why she is a SAHM, but inspite of it, she does feel that she must have 'accomplished' earning a lot or rising up in the corporate ladder.

Only very few do not feel it. I bow down to them.

I have some of my friends who are graceful SAHMs. They are very matured and well educated and have absolutely no regret about their choice.

I have worked with colleagues (women) who are again very matured beings who were absolutely at peace with the role they had chosen. They never regretted the choice. They never looked like carrying a burden on their shoulders. They had the maturity to understand the failings of individuals as stand alone one time episodes and move on. They never appeared to be in conflict with any relations in the home.

and these are not exceptional individuals. There are many like this. Of course education and family background do play a role in this. I think education broadens their horizon and the family background gives live examples and role models to cherish and follow.