To help or not help? What would you do?

[JR]

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This family is related to me. At some other threads, I have stated how I am from a mediocre family in India that has suffered on several major fronts, before my marriage. Well, at those times, (I am talking about when I was 15), I used to be very shy and awkward person. Speaking in front of 10 people was the hardest thing for me to do. Talking to strangers, making new friends, was totally unimaginable. So naturally my talking and body language used to reflect this nature of mine. This family who used to make fun of my family for every shortcoming also used to make lots of fun of me - the man, now a father of 2 daughters, used to 'act' like me, speaking in a modified tone, pretending to a shy girl afraid of talking in front of others and others used to laugh at him (me).

Now they were in big dreams of getting both their daughters married to Engineers in USA. But their oldest daughter had a secret love affair with a NB boy and had a quick marriage 2 yrs ago. These people were devastated. Now their second daughter is ready for marriage and she is very well educated. Now they are asking my mom if I know someone suitable for their girl.

There are quite some Brahmin boys from my inlaws' side working in USA. I would like to ask more about them and find out should any of them be available for this potential match but there is a dark side inside of me that reminds me of all the wounds of the past and asks me if I should really proceed...? What would you if you were me, will you help or not? Remember, this is not really any family, they really upset me and my family personally many times in the past. :sad:

 

[prasad1]

At some other threads, I have stated how I am from a mediocre family in India that has suffered on several major fronts, before my marriage. This family who used to make fun of my family for every shortcoming also used to make lots of fun of me - the man, now a father of 2 daughters, used to 'act' like me, speaking in a modified tone, pretending to a shy girl afraid of talking in front of others and others used to laugh at him (me).

Now they were in big dreams of getting both their daughters married to Engineers in USA. But their oldest daughter had a secret love affair with a NB boy and had a quick marriage 2 yrs ago. These people were devastated. Now their second daughter is ready for marriage and she is very well educated. Now they are asking my mom if I know someone suitable for their girl.

:sad:

You are from a smart but may be middle income family.

This other family hurt you, you need not help them.
But if you can forget the past and go ahead and find a boy for them, you should do it. You must explain that it is purely introduction, and that is all it is. They have to do the due diligence.

That would be my suggestion.

 

[renuka]

Dear JR,

Its ok to help becos you would be uniting a boy and girl in holy matrimony.

I have seen relatives till ripe old age still "hurting" by wounds caused by their near and loved ones and their feelings even get passed down to their children.

There is something called Karma..If someone has hurt you and you still bear those wounds and let it haunt you at times..this Karmic link is never over.

It will come back to haunt you again in some other form.

I feel its Ok to help but do it in a professional way that you just play "marriage broker" and stay aloof otherwise.

We can help people without getting personal.

Since off late getting a good match seems a problem for the TB community and when there is a chance to help your own community secure a good match..do not miss this chance.

Help but dont get too personal and make it clear at the beginning that you are not going to get too personal or over helpful.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Jayashree,
It would be right to say that this situation is 'dharma sankatam'! :fencing: between the angel and the devil in the mind!

To forgive is divine. So try to forget the hurts you faced in your childhood days. You need not go out of the way to speak

great about those people but you can just forward the list of probable grooms to guide them.

After all, your good deeds add to your good karmA, if you believe in karmA theory!

 

[Raji Ram]

This KuraL is the best guide:

இன்னா செய்தாரை ஒறுத்தல் அவர்நாண
நன்னயம் செய்து விடல்.

(The best way to punish a person who did wrong to you is to do good and make him feel shy!)

P.S: Whether they will feel shy can't be guaranteed, though! :lol:

 

[V.Balasubramani]

Please help them, if you can.

 

[renuka]

This KuraL is the best guide:

இன்னா செய்தாரை ஒறுத்தல் அவர்நாண
நன்னயம் செய்து விடல்.

(The best way to punish a person who did wrong to you is to do good and make him feel shy!)

P.S: Whether they will feel shy can't be guaranteed, though! :lol:

Dear RR ji,

I disagree with this Kural becos its a 'sweet revenge" and the help is not a selfless act.Its fake and motivated to teach the other person a lesson.Its bear a Karmic debt too.

 

[Raji Ram]

....... I disagree with this Kural becos its a 'sweet revenge" and the help is not a selfless act.Its fake and motivated to teach the other person a lesson.Its bear a Karmic debt too.

The kuraL teaches to help even the people who hurt us, Renu! At least we will not harm them in return.

I have seen a few people, whom I helped in a similar situation, take me for granted! World has all sorts of characters.

 

[renuka]

Dear JR,

I will share with you how once I "helped" someone who I was not too fond of.

One person related to me by marriage had a habit of being kind of blunt and rude and well known of making use of people at times and since the person is related to my husband I did not react becos I did not want problems.

Ok ..one day the person called me asking me for my brother's phone number becos this person wanted some legal advice from him(he is a lawyer)

I was actually surprised that the person didnt feel anything to seek my help after being nasty to me before.If I..I would not dare ask help from a person I did not treat nicely before!LOL

Now I know that my brother will surely be over helpful knowing that this person is related to my husband and this person might take undue advantage of his kindness.

So I thought..Ok I will help but not give the person my brother's number but give the person my cousin's number instead..my cousin is also a lawyer..that too a private lawyer so my cousin would be the right person to deal with a private case which my brother does not deal with since he is a government lawyer.

So that way I still helped the person but differently.

 

[sangom]

This family is related to me. At some other threads, I have stated how I am from a mediocre family in India that has suffered on several major fronts, before my marriage. Well, at those times, (I am talking about when I was 15), I used to be very shy and awkward person. Speaking in front of 10 people was the hardest thing for me to do. Talking to strangers, making new friends, was totally unimaginable. So naturally my talking and body language used to reflect this nature of mine. This family who used to make fun of my family for every shortcoming also used to make lots of fun of me - the man, now a father of 2 daughters, used to 'act' like me, speaking in a modified tone, pretending to a shy girl afraid of talking in front of others and others used to laugh at him (me).

Now they were in big dreams of getting both their daughters married to Engineers in USA. But their oldest daughter had a secret love affair with a NB boy and had a quick marriage 2 yrs ago. These people were devastated. Now their second daughter is ready for marriage and she is very well educated. Now they are asking my mom if I know someone suitable for their girl.

There are quite some Brahmin boys from my inlaws' side working in USA. I would like to ask more about them and find out should any of them be available for this potential match but there is a dark side inside of me that reminds me of all the wounds of the past and asks me if I should really proceed...? What would you if you were me, will you help or not? Remember, this is not really any family, they really upset me and my family personally many times in the past. :sad:

Smt. Jayashree,

Among us Tabras, though selfishness is very common, and so only lip-sympathy is given to a neighbour in distress, it is rare that one family openly makes fun of another (that too a young girl) which is going through a rough patch. Hence I feel that this other family you talk about is a really uncultured and low-level one.

Therefore, irrespective of whether the old wounds are still raw and hurting you, or whether they are all completely cured, etc., as an old man my advice to you is that you should never NEVER even give a formal introduction to any particular boy regarding this girl. I say so because, in every marriage, some problems are likely to crop up and knowing this family's traits, any help to them will be like feeding milk to the poisonous snake and they will surely blame you and your family for any & every problem which may arise in their daughter's marriage and try hurting you all, once again. The second best that you can do is to give them the url for any matrimonial site for PIOs/Tabras in US, saying that boys whom you know are not particularly interested in such a case, etc., and be done with it.

In case this girl eventually gets married to a fellow in the US and comes to live in your proximity, you may have friendship with her if you are able to forget the past completely.

 

[JR]

Good morning! I thank each and every one of you - Dr. Renuka ji, Smt. Raji ji, Bala.V sir, and Shri. Sangom ji for your valuable advice. I read each of them carefully and registered what you had to offer in my mind well. So as adviced strongly in this thread, I will pass on the grooms' details to the family but just 'play it safe' by not participating in the ensuing/subsequent transactions too much.

Renuka, very smart choice to have passed on your cousin lawyer's info instead of your bro, I wouldn't have acted so smart.

 

[JR]

Thank you, Raghy!

 

[Raji Ram]

Welcome Raghy Sir! I am surprised to see this advice from you!

 

[P.J.]

Smt JR Ji

Don't you think you are hurting yourself more by your holding on to the [FONT=&quot]negative emotions and memories of the past?
[/FONT] forget the past and forgive the perpetrator to free you from suffering any more.



Coming to recommending some known persons for alliance; yes, without involving yourself too much.

 

[JR]

Smt JR Ji

Don't you think you are hurting yourself more by your holding on to the negative emotions and memories of the past?
forget the past and forgive the perpetrator to free you from suffering any more.



Coming to recommending some known persons for alliance; yes, without involving yourself too much.

Very true, PJ ji! I just realized what kind of a meritorious deed it is to make someone realize their dreams -- of getting a good marriage to a decent groom who will keep the girl happy. I should never miss the chance for anything.

Already I missed the good chance of providing support for someone's education earlier. There is girl who was my husband's niece who wanted to do MS here in USA, having finished her BE with excellent grades in India. Her parents were curious (although did not ask us directly) if we (me and my hubby) would be able to provide room and food for the girl so she could stay in our house for the day and pursue her studies. For some reason, I refused this to my hubby (I felt they were making use of me for strange reasons). Now I feel very bad for having missed that opportunity to have helped that girl. She never did her MS but employed extremely well in Canada.

I will never pass up this opportunity to do some good. Thanks.

 

[P.J.]

Smt JR Ji

More importantly, please do not hold on to past negative emotions anymore; get rid of it by forgetting and forgiving.

 

[JR]

Smt JR Ji

More importantly, please do not hold on to past negative emotions anymore; get rid of it by forgetting and forgiving.

Very true, I will forgive and forget. Thank you.

 

[renuka]

Very true, PJ ji! I just realized what kind of a meritorious deed it is to make someone realize their dreams -- of getting a good marriage to a decent groom who will keep the girl happy. I should never miss the chance for anything.

.

Dear JR,

Dont even think on terms of a deed being a "merit" or "demerit".

If we think that a deed we are doing is a merit to a great extent we are sort of expecting gratitude from the person we helped and if that does not happen we might feel "hurt" all over again.

Knowing from the past history of this family..I have no idea if they are going to be expressing gratitude or not..they might or they might not..who knows?..

So the best is just do the deed and not attach yourself to the idea of merit or demerit so that what ever reactions from the person we helped wont excite us or depress us.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu mAtAji,

Living like Lord Rama, who was supposed to control his emotions - happiness / sadness - is not very easy! :nono:
So........ Let us all brag our plus points and happily receive the appreciations form those whom we help! :clap2:

 

[renuka]

Dear Renu mAtAji,

Living like Lord Rama, who was supposed to control his emotions - happiness / sadness - is not very easy! :nono:
So........ Let us all brag our plus points and happily receive the appreciations form those whom we help! :clap2:

Dear RR ji,

Its not that hard actually....in fact there is nothing to control.

Its just application thats all.

For example in the past when I felt "hurt" or "excited" by anything I realized that the feeling of hurt/excitement is becos I expected someone to fit into the mental mould I had created in my mind.

It was my mental impression that made me feel bad or good. If I did not create a mental impression then there is no reaction to any action.

So like wise if we render any help to anyone at the back of the mind we expect them to be grateful to us and if they prove to be ungrateful we feel hurt. If the person proves to be very grateful we get excited and feel glorified.

So if we just render help without expecting anything we do not feel excited nor hurt whatever the outcome.

I find leading life that way very much easier to the mind. It might seem cold and mechanical but actually its very nice.

regards

Mataji Renu

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,

I am liked in my family circle for making the place 'kala kala'!

If I start acting as per your advice, then I may be called 'Robot Raji'! hwell:

 

[renuka]

Dear Renu,

I am liked in my family circle for making the place 'kala kala'!

If I start acting as per your advice, then I may be called 'Robot Raji'! hwell:

I have a song for you..

All the Raji fans....Thalaivi!

Dont miss the chance! Thalaivi!

Lungi Dance! Lungi Dance! Lungi Dance!

 

[krish44]

Dear RR ji,

Its not that hard actually....in fact there is nothing to control.

Its just application thats all.

For example in the past when I felt "hurt" or "excited" by anything I realized that the feeling of hurt/excitement is becos I expected someone to fit into the mental mould I had created in my mind.

It was my mental impression that made me feel bad or good. If I did not create a mental impression then there is no reaction to any action.

So like wise if we render any help to anyone at the back of the mind we expect them to be grateful to us and if they prove to be ungrateful we feel hurt. If the person proves to be very grateful we get excited and feel glorified.

So if we just render help without expecting anything we do not feel excited nor hurt whatever the outcome.

I find leading life that way very much easier to the mind. It might seem cold and mechanical but actually its very nice.

regards

Mataji Renu

RRji

Run for your life

Mata Renukaji is on indoctrination spree.

You are doing wonderful being heart and soul of all get togethers

What is life if ones good action is not reciprocated with gratefulness by the receipient of ones largesse.

we do not expect to be rewarded monetarily for good acts

definitely appreciation is in order .

three cheers for rajiramji

Pl boast and we are waiting to hear your boasts and applaud,lol

 

[renuka]

Dear Krish ji,

Life is very simple...

Never forget the good others do unto us and always forget the good we do unto others.

 

[Raji Ram]

....... Pl boast and we are waiting to hear your boasts and applaud,lol

en modesty thadukkiRadhE...... ! (Please read this in 'Sivaji Ganesan' style!) :lol: