Ungrateful children?

[kunjuppu]

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Being an only son, who left his mother care of relatives, I am as guilty as the rest. It did not matter that she lived with me for a few years, but yearned for India, and finally fulfilled her wish to die in India. I have lost count of relatives who advised my mother that she should demand her due from her only son - come back to India and take care of her. but mom would not do that.

dad being very sick did not want to come to canada. after his death, i forced mom to a canadian domicile to a citizenship, and whose stay was made bearable only by the birth of my twins.

but almost daily, i wonder, about my own acts, and not taking care of my mother (who spent her own energy of life to take care of a sick parkinsons diseased father on her own), is probably the top of my regrets, should anyone ask me to list them (there are quite a few btw).

i came across this blog, which is an article from kalki. it tells partly about savithri vaithi and vishranthi. vishranthi i have heard since 1970s i think, and my own aunt is a leading member in running the show.

what touched my heart is the description of the author taking savithri's hands into her own. simply touching.

and one of those rare occassions, when kanchi mutt and i agree, what nobility is.

here it is for you to read, think it over and ponder. maybe.

old age homes, abandoned parents and vishranthi

even when they are the sole caregiver to their parents, somehow daughters do not appear to take the issue so hard, even here in the forum. i have helped through my aunt, to place an elderly couple of member here into an old age home, and member lives in toronto. after all that was done, the comment on the phone was, that she could not be bothered too much, and some similar expression of callousness. and not a word of thanks either to me or my aunt, who went out of the way to find a somewhat nice brahmin centred old age home, at a very modest cost (this was very important for this toronto lady as she did not want to send any money from here)

such is life!!

 

[P.J.]

Dear Kunjupu Sir

There are many parents who are left uncared cared even though their sons an daughters live in India itself due to many reasons such as, In laws of the daughters, unsympathetic wife,no sufficient earning to maintain parents, no sufficient earning to provide medical care, etc etc.

I would say that those sons and daughters who join their parents in some Paid old age homes like Vishranthi are much better than those who completely neglect them.

We had the same Dilemma before moving to US and obtaining Green Card; We can manage our self with our own income, but there will be a time when when one of us will GO, and other has to stay alone an manage.

This thought made us to migrate to US, and stay with our son as our daughter is in UK.

We Visit India India/ Chennai once in 18-24 months to check up our health.

 

[tbs]

hi K sir,
now im the ONLY SON for my mom.....my father died when i was 5 yrs old...i had younger brother...who left home very young age...

now im taking care of my mother.....my mother lives in chennai alone last 40 yrs....she left palakkad gramam very young age....

being young widow in palakkad gramam very tough...like last episode AVAL ORU THODAR KATHAI SERIAL....there are


many unsung heroines even in our own community....i went to veda patasala..when i was 7 yrs old....my journey started

alone from my child hood...hostel life....army life.....now in USA life too.....i believe in astrology....so life based on

every individual's pre destined karma....AFTER ALL OUR LIFE IS NOT ON CUSTOM MADE....

 

[sangom]

Being an only son, who left his mother care of relatives, I am as guilty as the rest. It did not matter that she lived with me for a few years, but yearned for India, and finally fulfilled her wish to die in India. I have lost count of relatives who advised my mother that she should demand her due from her only son - come back to India and take care of her. but mom would not do that.

dad being very sick did not want to come to canada. after his death, i forced mom to a canadian domicile to a citizenship, and whose stay was made bearable only by the birth of my twins.

but almost daily, i wonder, about my own acts, and not taking care of my mother (who spent her own energy of life to take care of a sick parkinsons diseased father on her own), is probably the top of my regrets, should anyone ask me to list them (there are quite a few btw).

i came across this blog, which is an article from kalki. it tells partly about savithri vaithi and vishranthi. vishranthi i have heard since 1970s i think, and my own aunt is a leading member in running the show.

what touched my heart is the description of the author taking savithri's hands into her own. simply touching.

and one of those rare occassions, when kanchi mutt and i agree, what nobility is.

here it is for you to read, think it over and ponder. maybe.

old age homes, abandoned parents and vishranthi

even when they are the sole caregiver to their parents, somehow daughters do not appear to take the issue so hard, even here in the forum. i have helped through my aunt, to place an elderly couple of member here into an old age home, and member lives in toronto. after all that was done, the comment on the phone was, that she could not be bothered too much, and some similar expression of callousness. and not a word of thanks either to me or my aunt, who went out of the way to find a somewhat nice brahmin centred old age home, at a very modest cost (this was very important for this toronto lady as she did not want to send any money from here)

such is life!!

Dear Kunjuppu,

This is one of the aspects of Indian social life which has undergone a sea-change in the last 20 years or so. And I hold the indiscriminate "aping the west" syndrome for this change. The software (IT) boom was the primary cause for this thoughtless "aping".

Today, every one knows about his or her "rights" only, and not about "responsibilities" here in India. So, a son/daughter has come to think that it is his/her right to be brought up with all the comforts and conveniences as shown in TV serials and the many TV advertisements, cinemas etc. Expensive and revealing clothes as per the latest trend, cell phone/smart phone and its limitless use and privacy to do whatever they want, mixing with the opposite sex as per the current trend among their peers, gifting to the many friends of costly items, celebrating birthdays and many other things in the western way (putting out lighted candles, smearing cake over the face, alcoholic drinks-if possible, and so on.

Since parents do find it difficult to meet all such demands, the girls easily take to small-time call girl business and earn for themselves while the boys sometimes get enticed by regular mafia gangs to work for them and thus earn to meet their wants. In this process sometimes the boys get into criminal cases also.

Anyway, by the time the youngsters reach their middle age, they have the feeling that their parents enjoyed very nice sex and produced them but the same (bloody) parents cruelly failed them during their growing age. They therefore have no respect or regard for the parents; if at all, it is dislike, hatred and absolute enmity. It is futile to think of correcting this social downfall; it has to run its full course. In this process there will be innumerable parents who will die a miserable death, uncared for.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

A good article. But it links NRIs with Vishranthi Home. There is absolutely no relationship. Vishranthi home was started by the Monday Charity club of Mylapore for Destitute old women. It is not a paid old age Home.

Vishranthi Charitable Trust

The moment I read the article it struck me since my wife was in the Executive committee of Monday Charity Club and a Volunteer in Vishranthi. I have been to that place a number of times.

Of course there are some paid old women there. I remember an old Patti in her eighties who was staying there because she needed company. Her husband was in U.S but the Patti reused to go. So instead of staying alone in her house in Mylapore, she decided to stay in Vishranthi with her car and driver.

I would request the members to donate to Vishranthi. I had written about Monday Charity Club and Vishranthi years back in this forum.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

Dear Kunjuppu,

This is one of the aspects of Indian social life which has undergone a sea-change in the last 20 years or so. And I hold the indiscriminate "aping the west" syndrome for this change. The software (IT) boom was the primary cause for this thoughtless "aping".

Today, every one knows about his or her "rights" only, and not about "responsibilities" here in India. So, a son/daughter has come to think that it is his/her right to be brought up with all the comforts and conveniences as shown in TV serials and the many TV advertisements, cinemas etc. Expensive and revealing clothes as per the latest trend, cell phone/smart phone and its limitless use and privacy to do whatever they want, mixing with the opposite sex as per the current trend among their peers, gifting to the many friends of costly items, celebrating birthdays and many other things in the western way (putting out lighted candles, smearing cake over the face, alcoholic drinks-if possible, and so on.

Since parents do find it difficult to meet all such demands, the girls easily take to small-time call girl business and earn for themselves while the boys sometimes get enticed by regular mafia gangs to work for them and thus earn to meet their wants. In this process sometimes the boys get into criminal cases also.

Anyway, by the time the youngsters reach their middle age, they have the feeling that their parents enjoyed very nice sex and produced them but the same (bloody) parents cruelly failed them during their growing age. They therefore have no respect or regard for the parents; if at all, it is dislike, hatred and absolute enmity. It is futile to think of correcting this social downfall; it has to run its full course. In this process there will be innumerable parents who will die a miserable death, uncared for.

Sangom,
I would like to disagree. We tend to glorify the past. 50 years back in my village most of the houses were occupied by older Brahmins. Their sons had gone out to cities to earn a living. These old people did not want to go and live with their sons because it meant living in an alien city. Nor were the sons really keen on having them, because their village attitude was not acceptable to them now.

The sons came back to the village after retirement. But not all of them did. Only those whose wives were also from the same village or village nearby came back.

The older people stayed alone in the village and died there. Some of them went and stayed with their sons when the sons wanted money by disposing of the village property.

These old people died broken hearted in the alien city. Or died alone in the village. But do you know something. They never complained. They were happy with their temples, village tank/gossip and old friends.

My father came back to the village after retirement because my mother was also from the same village. They lived alone till my father was 80. Then my brothers forced them to shift because they were bothered about people talking about their abandoning the parents. My parents shifted with my brother who was in Chennai. They were happy there. There were many people from my village in Chennai. Almost the whole village. Then my sister in law is also from the same village.

Let me come back to my point. The sons of the earlier generation were no better than the present generation. They also exploited their parents. They dumped their children with their parents for school education. They visited the parents when it was convenient for them. As the children grew older the number of visits decreased. Then to save their face in society they forced the parents to move to alien cites.

I do not think a Tamil Brahmin moving to U.S/U.K is any different from the Tamil Brahmin moving from Thiruvidaimarudhur to Bombay. Same reasons (MONEY), same problems. I think it is better because it took three days to reach Thiruvidaimarudhur to Bombay. You can reach faster from U.S. Again you could not even hear your son on Phone. Now you can see him and talk to him.

 

[P.J.]

A good article. But it links NRIs with Vishranthi Home. There is absolutely no relationship. Vishranthi home was started by the Monday Charity club of Mylapore for Destitute old women. It is not a paid old age Home.

Vishranthi Charitable Trust

The moment I read the article it struck me since my wife was in the Executive committee of Monday Charity Club and a Volunteer in Vishranthi. I have been to that place a number of times.

Of course there are some paid old women there. I remember an old Patti in her eighties who was staying there because she needed company. Her husband was in U.S but the Patti reused to go. So instead of staying alone in her house in Mylapore, she decided to stay in Vishranthi with her car and driver.

I would request the members to donate to Vishranthi. I had written about Monday Charity Club and Vishranthi years back in this forum.

Vishranthi collects initial deposits for those who wish to stay long and for those who wish to stay 6 months or less monthly payments are to be made.
::::Welcome to Vishranthi Old Age Village:::ld age home, cottages, pariyaram, kannur, kerala

They have more donations from locals and also from NRIs to maintain them.

Some years back when we wanted to Donate some New Sarees , they advised us to donate those Sareees to less
funded old age home.!!!

 

[P.J.]

hi K sir,
now im the ONLY SON for my mom.....my father died when i was 5 yrs old...i had younger brother...who left home very young age...

now im taking care of my mother.....my mother lives in chennai alone last 40 yrs....she left palakkad gramam very young age....

being young widow in palakkad gramam very tough...like last episode AVAL ORU THODAR KATHAI SERIAL....there are


many unsung heroines even in our own community....i went to veda patasala..when i was 7 yrs old....my journey started

alone from my child hood...hostel life....army life.....now in USA life too.....i believe in astrology....so life based on

every individual's pre destined karma....AFTER ALL OUR LIFE IS NOT ON CUSTOM MADE....

tbs Sir

after reading your post, my respect for you increased to many folds!!

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

Vishranthi collects initial deposits for those who wish to stay long and for those who wish to stay 6 months or less monthly payments are to be made.
::::Welcome to Vishranthi Old Age Village:::ld age home, cottages, pariyaram, kannur, kerala

They have more donations from locals and also from NRIs to maintain them.

Some years back when we wanted to Donate some New Sarees , they advised us to donate those Sareees to less
funded old age home.!!!

This is a totally different place in Kannur, Kerala. The article was talking about the place I mentioned. The one run by Ms. Savithri Vaithi.

 

[sangom]

Sangom,
I would like to disagree. We tend to glorify the past. 50 years back in my village most of the houses were occupied by older Brahmins. Their sons had gone out to cities to earn a living. These old people did not want to go and live with their sons because it meant living in an alien city. Nor were the sons really keen on having them, because their village attitude was not acceptable to them now.

The sons came back to the village after retirement. But not all of them did. Only those whose wives were also from the same village or village nearby came back.

The older people stayed alone in the village and died there. Some of them went and stayed with their sons when the sons wanted money by disposing of the village property.

These old people died broken hearted in the alien city. Or died alone in the village. But do you know something. They never complained. They were happy with their temples, village tank/gossip and old friends.

My father came back to the village after retirement because my mother was also from the same village. They lived alone till my father was 80. Then my brothers forced them to shift because they were bothered about people talking about their abandoning the parents. My parents shifted with my brother who was in Chennai. They were happy there. There were many people from my village in Chennai. Almost the whole village. Then my sister in law is also from the same village.

Let me come back to my point. The sons of the earlier generation were no better than the present generation. They also exploited their parents. They dumped their children with their parents for school education. They visited the parents when it was convenient for them. As the children grew older the number of visits decreased. Then to save their face in society they forced the parents to move to alien cites.

I do not think a Tamil Brahmin moving to U.S/U.K is any different from the Tamil Brahmin moving from Thiruvidaimarudhur to Bombay. Same reasons (MONEY), same problems. I think it is better because it took three days to reach Thiruvidaimarudhur to Bombay. You can reach faster from U.S. Again you could not even hear your son on Phone. Now you can see him and talk to him.

Shri iniyan,

I am not glorifying the past and whatever you wrote about your particular village may be true. But the open dislike, hostility etc., were not there; if at all, those sons/daughters would have liked not to have the burden of the parents/parents-in-law. The society (I refer to the tabra community in each place) in many places had some relevance and people were at least sensitive to "what people will say", just as your brothers did.

Over the last one or two decades there has been a definite and palpable change in the scenario. To gloss over it by saying that this was the condition which always existed, will not be truth. Today, girls ask their prospective grooms, even in their very first meeting, whether the "unwanted luggage" will always remain with them after their marriage; that is the extent of the change.

Not many of the tabra parents are lucky - like yourself or myself - to live honourably on our own income. Those are the people who have been shortchanged by this social change.

 

[P.J.]

This is a totally different place in Kannur, Kerala. The article was talking about the place I mentioned. The one run by Ms. Savithri Vaithi.

Vishranthi run by Savithri Vaithi also collects donations

Vishranthi Charitable Trust

In this one they have not given the Sponsorship amount for one year. I know it is considerably high.

I am also from Chennai only.
When we wanted to donate some 80 Sarees on Sathya Sai Baba's 80 th Birth Day, we were told to donate it to some other old age home as they have plenty of Sarees with them in stock, they wanted instead any money donation.

 

[tbs]

tbs Sir

after reading your post, my respect for you increased to many folds!!

hi paddhu sir,

thank you for your kind words.....

 

[Anand Manohar]

Paddu Sir

Running a 'Home' for the destitute is a tough ask. Smt Savitri Vaithi has been doing excellent work.
There are both paying and non-paying inmates who are being cared for.

About 15 years ago, I gave a Maruti Van [ interiors modified for commuting patients ] because
that was the need of the hour then. It is possible that there was no dearth of sarees when you offered them.

The land on which the Sholinganallur Home stands was gifted by my Chitti. The Home in Neelankarai
has come a long way and is equipped with a hospice, regular medical attendance etc.

I have also been involved in running some errands for Smt Savithri Vaithi - just for the thrill of it. While
doing some 'collections', I found people were just downloading their surpluses and non-usable items.
In essence they were just pretending to 'donate' things that they would've otherwise thrown in the
garbage.

I once had to hang around the gate of a 'donor' who made sure that all the obsolete items that had
accumulated over a period of time and collecting dust in their lofts, all found their way to my car boot
to be carted to Vishranti ! [ It didn't matter to me that they treated me like some sort of a rag-picker ]

But then, that's the way people are - all supposedly from good families, well-to-do, and well educated.

I am sorry if you felt offended, but I guess it might have been better to have called and ascertained
as to what might have been the necessity at that point in time, especially for an institution being
run solely on donations.

Yay Yem

 

[prasad1]

Paddu Sir

Running a 'Home' for the destitute is a tough ask. Smt Savitri Vaithi has been doing excellent work.
There are both paying and non-paying inmates who are being cared for.

About 15 years ago, I gave a Maruti Van [ interiors modified for commuting patients ] because
that was the need of the hour then. It is possible that there was no dearth of sarees when you offered them.

The land on which the Sholinganallur Home stands was gifted by my Chitti. The Home in Neelankarai
has come a long way and is equipped with a hospice, regular medical attendance etc.

I have also been involved in running some errands for Smt Savithri Vaithi - just for the thrill of it. While
doing some 'collections', I found people were just downloading their surpluses and non-usable items.
In essence they were just pretending to 'donate' things that they would've otherwise thrown in the
garbage.

I once had to hang around the gate of a 'donor' who made sure that all the obsolete items that had
accumulated over a period of time and collecting dust in their lofts, all found their way to my car boot
to be carted to Vishranti ! [ It didn't matter to me that they treated me like some sort of a rag-picker ]

But then, that's the way people are - all supposedly from good families, well-to-do, and well educated.

I am sorry if you felt offended, but I guess it might have been better to have called and ascertained
as to what might have been the necessity at that point in time, especially for an institution being
run solely on donations.

Yay Yem

I agree with your sentiment.
Even a donation should be useful to the the recipient.
From Upanishad:
Vājashrava, desiring a gift from the gods, started an offering to donate all his possessions. But Nachiketa noticed that he was donating only the cows that were old, barren, blind, or lame; not such as might buy the worshiper a place in Heaven.

 

[Anand Manohar]

Prasad Ji

Was it you who mentioned about your wife's lineage and the Burma roots and the
land route that they took ? How long [approx] back was that ?

I am right now here on the Indo Burmese border with settlers from erstwhile Madras State
- any names that I can mention, any recollection of past events / episodes / places ?

Some of the people here are [maybe] as old as the mountains and their memories like that
of a modern day computer !

It's a great feeling - I just met these folk at the Prayag about 50 days ago but it seems like
we've known each-other for centuries.

Just let me know if there is a 'link' - we can probably take it on from there .

Guruvethunai
Yay Yem

 

[P.J.]

Paddu Sir

Running a 'Home' for the destitute is a tough ask. Smt Savitri Vaithi has been doing excellent work.
There are both paying and non-paying inmates who are being cared for.

About 15 years ago, I gave a Maruti Van [ interiors modified for commuting patients ] because
that was the need of the hour then. It is possible that there was no dearth of sarees when you offered them.

The land on which the Sholinganallur Home stands was gifted by my Chitti. The Home in Neelankarai
has come a long way and is equipped with a hospice, regular medical attendance etc.

I have also been involved in running some errands for Smt Savithri Vaithi - just for the thrill of it. While
doing some 'collections', I found people were just downloading their surpluses and non-usable items.
In essence they were just pretending to 'donate' things that they would've otherwise thrown in the
garbage.

I once had to hang around the gate of a 'donor' who made sure that all the obsolete items that had
accumulated over a period of time and collecting dust in their lofts, all found their way to my car boot
to be carted to Vishranti ! [ It didn't matter to me that they treated me like some sort of a rag-picker ]

But then, that's the way people are - all supposedly from good families, well-to-do, and well educated.

I am sorry if you felt offended, but I guess it might have been better to have called and ascertained
as to what might have been the necessity at that point in time, especially for an institution being
run solely on donations.

Yay Yem

Sri.Anand Manohar

It was not some used Sarees we wanted to Donate, we wanted to donate only all New Sarees only on the occasion of Sri Sathya Sai Baba's 80 th Birthday.
We did not want to give any money donation as we were told that Vishranthi receives huge funds locally as well as from those who settled in foreign countries.

Also i do not agree with your statement that Vishranthi runs solely on Donations, they collect Staying fees.

 

[P.J.]

Anand Sir

If Vishranthi is running this this old age home for destitute women and men EXCLUSIVELY, or for a few of them, it should not be difficult for them to accept some 80 New Sarees offered by us.
This old age home is over flowing with funds from various sources probably; will you be able to collect any details from them regarding number of destitute old aged women/Men living there and PAID Old age Men and women living there; also how much they charge initial deposit for long term residents and monthly maintenance expenses they charge?
and if possible please share it here, because, these information are not given by Vishranthi in any site.

 

[Raji Ram]

......... Since parents do find it difficult to meet all such demands, the girls easily take to small-time call girl business and earn for themselves while the boys sometimes get enticed by regular mafia gangs to work for them and thus earn to meet their wants. In this process sometimes the boys get into criminal cases also........

Dear Sangom Sir,

These comments seem to be too much of a generalization! I agree that a few girls and boys do such

things for getting good money but the percentage is less. When even a job in a BPO gives a salary

around 30 to 40 K, is there any need to go astray?

I have heard of many real episodes where the hard earned money of the parents was spent ONLY to

bring the children to a good life style and those children turn ungrateful, even while staying in some

other city in India! No need to go abroad to ditch the parents, right?

I have seen a few parents who demand their son to buy a cozy flat for them, fix A/C and other such

accessories there, with his money earned in dollars / pounds / euros. Some are really selfish.

So, not all the parents are :angel: s and all the sons /daughters are :evil: s.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

Ram's eldest brother was discussing the present day life with my son, when he first visited us from the U S of A.

Periappa was a kind of lamenting that most of the children in the next generation have gone abroad and all the

old parents are left in India. Then my son asked him, 'PeriappA! ThAthA had five sons and all of you went

to other cities to earn money and even when ThAthA became very old, no one was willing to go back to your

village and settle down! It was cities in India in your generation and it is foreign countries in the next

generation!'. PeriappA could not continue the conversation for a few minutes!

Till both the parents are alive, the life goes on a sort of smooth in India. When one leaves the world, it

becomes a problem for the single parent to be all alone and manage. If the health is bad, it worsen things

even with any amount of money given by children!

So, you need NOT regret because you fulfilled your mother's wish to stay in her place, till her end.

 

[kunjuppu]

thank you raji for your kind words.

there is a difference between duty and affection. someone here in this forum, has stated that his 80 year old mother is in chennai alone while he is in the usa, and he feels proud that he is taking care of her. even though mom stayed with me her last years, and left me, only to die in india, i still have a big regret, that due to circumstances, that i did not lend a helping hand to take care of dad, who had parkinsons.

parkinsons, like alzheimers, takes a toll, not on the patient but the care giver. it took a lot out of mummy, and she never complained about it or even asked for my help.

for the girls of the family, there is this custom driven psyche, that once married, the loyalty and care shifts to the hubby house. so it is left with the son, who these days often has issues with wife and mother living in the same place. this is a oil water situation under any circumstances, in my opinion, and that is one of the reasons, i had to leave my parents in india, when i could have easily brought them to canada, which is kind in these sort of things.

another example, my own cousin, the youngest of 4 children, brought his parents to canada, dad also having parkinsons, and delayed his own marriage till he was 40, the time when his disabled dad died. as he felt correctly, that it was too much of a burden for his mother to handle alone, be it in india or here in canada. his siblings helped out with the money, but it was him, every day and night, coping with the demands and agonies of a sick relative and giving his mother the needed break and helping hand.

a big regret...but life goes on.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

One of the elder brother's of Ram was the real boss of his house apparently doing NO work other then at office

till he retired. Then his wife was attacked by Parkinsons! She has slow deterioration due to medication. For the

past five years, he has to take care of her 24 x 7 x 365 (or) 366! He has a helping maid for about 4 hours in the

morning, when he gets time to run on errands outside home! Their only daughter is in Santa Fe! We all feel sad

for their plight but even while living in Sing. Chennai, we are only able to visit them once in a month!

I believe in karma theory more and more by seeing the suffering near and dear ones around me!

 

[Raji Ram]

A daughter seems to be more concerned about her parents than the son!

In this advt. the elderly gentleman says that his daughter bought a 'home' for his 60th birthday!

Nana Naani Homes

 

[P.J.]

A daughter seems to be more concerned about her parents than the son!

In this advt. the elderly gentleman says that his daughter bought a 'home' for his 60th birthday!

Nana Naani Homes

Raji Madam

Somehow i do not agree with you; we have a son and daughter, both are concerned about us.

 

[Raji Ram]

...... Somehow i do not agree with you; we have a son and daughter, both are concerned about us.

You are blessed P J Sir!