Who is more possessive? Men or Women?

[Raji Ram]

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It is said that women are more possessive than men and they want to have all the best in the world for themselves.

They are possessive about their dear ones and friends. And till now, I was under the impression that men take things

very easy and are also unassuming. But at times I find that men tend to be more possessive. Recently, I came across

a friend who gets agitated when I am friendly with some other person! Does this nature depend on an individual or

is it because men do not reveal their real nature to others?

Members views are most welcome.

 

[dvrrajakumar]

Possessiveness is basically divided into 3 types;
Child - I like it I want it; momentary
Women - I feel secured I want it; Safety
Men - This is mine I want it, Ahankar

Every one of us have all the three states to varying extent in our mind some having C more and W less and M more, they may be basically as per the age and sex child or women or men.

In all cases it is the minds personification that it is spinning around that object let it be animate or inanimate, useful or less useful, it gives security or not does not matter and so on.

That is how the basic human mind works. Even at the death bed one thinks he wants to live further, and does not want to die even at 99 years.

The minute wonderful two way communication (always it is one way communication - the information goes to Aatmaa compulsorily) is there between mind and Aatmaa then the Possessiveness or பற்று நிலை will go away and Detachment or possessiveness-less state பற்றற்ற நிலை will come. This is not a very great thing that only Gnanis can do. When you mature (somebody even at 90 they donot mature) then this happens. That is the time one has control over their senses. In many cases this happens, once they are taken to a point of no return or something great happens eg. say diabetic; children dies in front of you, you loose many suddenly severely; you find that something yonder is controlling you when it dawns. But nowadays we are always going for alternative ; Sugar-Sugar free; Fat-Fat-less, Potassium-Potassium free, Sodium-Sodium less, Running short of money-Loan or Credit card and so on.

When at 61, when I went to CMC Vellore, and I saw so many, so many are suffering with so many serious diseases, slowly it dawned on me that attachment should be shunned for the body that is slowly I am having less possessiveness of many things which otherwise, I had lot of possessiveness of everything on the earth earlier. Of course you can write comparing possessiveness and attachment (also the personification of possessiveness) showing so many examples from our Hindu classical literature right from RV to Upanishads to Puranas.

Once when it dawns on you that you are possessive of this and that then you will start thinking of reducing the same.
Anyway you can write many many things, but I stop here.

Prof.D.V.R.Rajakumar

 

[renuka]

Dear RR ji,


YES! You are right! Men are more possessive..and they strive for all the attention but they will never admit it.

Most females are mainly En Purushan Thaan Ennakku Mattum Thaan possessive but otherwise they dont get too possessive of anything else!LOL

But males are possessive right from their cars to wife/wives and to even Chinna Veedus!

The average Indian male is the most possessive of God's creation!


Its a great thread you started..lets hope our nice Maamas in Forum share their opinion.

 

[renuka]

Possessiveness is basically divided into 3 types;
Child - I like it I want it; momentary
Women - I feel secured I want it; Safety
Men - This is mine I want it, Ahankar

Every one of us have all the three states to varying extent in our mind some having C more and W less and M more, they may be basically as per the age and sex child or women or men.

In all cases it is the minds personification that it is spinning around that object let it be animate or inanimate, useful or less useful, it gives security or not does not matter and so on.

That is how the basic human mind works. Even at the death bed one thinks he wants to live further, and does not want to die even at 99 years.

The minute wonderful two way communication (always it is one way communication - the information goes to Aatmaa compulsorily) is there between mind and Aatmaa then the Possessiveness or பற்று நிலை will go away and Detachment or possessiveness-less state பற்றற்ற நிலை will come. This is not a very great thing that only Gnanis can do. When you mature (somebody even at 90 they donot mature) then this happens. That is the time one has control over their senses. In many cases this happens, once they are taken to a point of no return or something great happens eg. say diabetic; children dies in front of you, you loose many suddenly severely; you find that something yonder is controlling you when it dawns. But nowadays we are always going for alternative ; Sugar-Sugar free; Fat-Fat-less, Potassium-Potassium free, Sodium-Sodium less, Running short of money-Loan or Credit card and so on.

When at 61, when I went to CMC Vellore, and I saw so many, so many are suffering with so many serious diseases, slowly it dawned on me that attachment should be shunned for the body that is slowly I am having less possessiveness of many things which otherwise, I had lot of possessiveness of everything on the earth earlier. Of course you can write comparing possessiveness and attachment (also the personification of possessiveness) showing so many examples from our Hindu classical literature right from RV to Upanishads to Puranas.

Once when it dawns on you that you are possessive of this and that then you will start thinking of reducing the same.
Anyway you can write many many things, but I stop here.

Prof.D.V.R.Rajakumar

Dear Prof,


Nice post but just one small correction:

You wrote:

Child - I like it I want it; momentary
Women - I feel secured I want it; Safety
Men - This is mine I want it, Ahankar

Let me kindly beg to differ.. for Men its like Ajit Kumar shouting in Mankatha movie 'Gimme More Gimme More!"

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Prof. Rajakumar Sir,

Thanks for the nice post. I appears from the classification that men are more possessive

because it is very difficult to satisfy one's ahankAr.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,

Men always feel proud of their job, status and family.
I have also seen men boasting about their not so efficient spouse!! :kev:

 

[krish44]

more than gender specific , it is age specific

most start as not being so possessive ready to share many things

as they grow older act mean and possessive about spouse, relatives, friends , pets, even many lifeless things also

BTW possessiveness has nothing to do with efficiency regards spouse

after all own spouse only naa .lol

 

[Raji Ram]

It is not age specific, Krish Sir. You must have observed that some kids share their toys with others and some don't!

Most of the children are possessive of their parents! They won't let their parents to carry / konjify other children!

 

[krish44]

It is not age specific, Krish Sir. You must have observed that some kids share their toys with others and some don't!

Most of the children are possessive of their parents! They won't let their parents to carry / konjify other children!

What you say is partly true. but children have only a few items like toys and parents to be possessive about.they are made to share toys and parents with other siblings

what about adults . the list expands to include plenty of items and persons.is there any attempt at sharing anything.?. more wealthy a person is , the less likely is he to share it with others. similarly the case with women as regards their men . they try to see he is kept under wraps though in many cases it is not worth keeping them that way.both gender adults suffer from this malady.

 

[dvrrajakumar]

"Every one of us have all the three states to varying extent"

Prof.D.V.R.Rajakumar

 

[Raji Ram]

............ what about adults . the list expands to include plenty of items and persons.is there any attempt at sharing anything.?. more wealthy a person is , the less likely is he to share it with others. similarly the case with women as regards their men . they try to see he is kept under wraps though in many cases it is not worth keeping them that way.both gender adults suffer from this malady.

There is a difference between 'bossing' a person and being possessive, imho.

One of the couple dominates the other to some extent, in every successful marriage! If both have dominating nature, they

will be a fighting couple. I have seen such couples who try to prove 'naN pidhichcha muyalukku mooNE kAl' most of the times!

Rarely there will be equality! Being possessive makes the person agitated even if help is extended to anyone other than him / her.

I have also seen some mAmAs not allowing the mAmi even to chat with his male friends (friends in law!!). But, I wonder whether

it is a sort of bossing or possessive nature!

 

[Raji Ram]

There was a movie in which a lady who loves and adores her son chooses a good looking, hardworking, orphan servant girl as her D I L.

When the girl helps her husband in his daily chores, the mother gets annoyed and asks the girl not to come in between her and her son.

The son tries to pacify the ladies but the hatred grows. Finally at one stage, he beats his wife for not respecting his mother and tells that

he will divorce her and get another spouse. With a broken heart, the girl commits suicide. But, the police arrests the mother suspecting

that she might have lighted the girl after pouring kerosene on her. Finally, the mother repents and is also released by the intervention of

an intelligent lawyer.

Look at the plight of being possessive to a son, when he has a wife to take care of his needs!! :tsk:

 

[Vaagmi]

We all possess things, assets, relationships and relatives. We turn possessive only when there is a fear-an insecure feeling- that we may lose what we possess. It can be a toy, a candy, a friend, a lover or a spouse or any other assett. The fear can be about real threat or a perceived threat. Repeated reassurance by concerned a concerned person may help. A MIL-DIL situation in which there is a lot of palpable tension because of competing possessiveness-es can be handled well by a son/husband who is mature.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Vaagmi Sir,

What is the difference between bossing and possessive nature?

 

[krish44]

We all possess things, assets, relationships and relatives. We turn possessive only when there is a fear-an insecure feeling- that we may lose what we possess. It can be a toy, a candy, a friend, a lover or a spouse or any other assett. The fear can be about real threat or a perceived threat. Repeated reassurance by concerned a concerned person may help. A MIL-DIL situation in which there is a lot of palpable tension because of competing possessiveness-es can be handled well by a son/husband who is mature.

spoken like an experienced veteran. where are the mature sons/husband.
most mature is the man who does not come between mother and wife . A
natural balance strikes. if both appreciate the fears of the other , there are .
likely to be no issues. but normally never happens. normally possessive mothers end up with possessive daughter in law also.

 

[Raji Ram]

In my extended family, two of the 'ammA kOndu's ended up in divorce. Both are educated guys but could not say anything against

mother, to support the spouse! High time the mothers learn not to interfere with the sons, after they get married. They have to also

understand that if a guy loves his wife, it does not mean that he does not love anyone else in the family!

After all, 'Lovvu' is different from 'Love'!

 

[krish44]

There is a difference between 'bossing' a person and being possessive, imho.

One of the couple dominates the other to some extent, in every successful marriage! If both have dominating nature, they

will be a fighting couple. I have seen such couples who try to prove 'naN pidhichcha muyalukku mooNE kAl' most of the times!

Rarely there will be equality! Being possessive makes the person agitated even if help is extended to anyone other than him / her.

I have also seen some mAmAs not allowing the mAmi even to chat with his male friends (friends in law!!). But, I wonder whether

it is a sort of bossing or possessive nature!

it appears some want exclusive tags to a relationship.these do not like their spouses to pay attention to others .perhaps they feel insecure about their spouse or their relationship with others.
also the fear that the spouse may find others interesting and attractive.

these feelings normally vanish after a few years of marriage when married relatonships stabilise.

 

[vgane]

It is said that women are more possessive than men and they want to have all the best in the world for themselves.

They are possessive about their dear ones and friends. And till now, I was under the impression that men take things

very easy and are also unassuming. But at times I find that men tend to be more possessive. Recently, I came across

a friend who gets agitated when I am friendly with some other person! Does this nature depend on an individual or

is it because men do not reveal their real nature to others?

Members views are most welcome.

RR Madam,

Men are possessive about their wife(ves), their property & their kids, women are more possessive about their husband, children, the parental jewellery, dresses , food that they cook and their own make up kit

So there is nothing like women are more possessive than men!

 

[krish44]

In my extended family, two of the 'ammA kOndu's ended up in divorce. Both are educated guys but could not say anything against

mother, to support the spouse! High time the mothers learn not to interfere with the sons, after they get married. They have to also

understand that if a guy loves his wife, it does not mean that he does not love anyone else in the family!

After all, 'Lovvu' is different from 'Love'!

most marriages take time to stabilise.

initially there are these issues in the best of marriages

in course of time , interpersonal relationships develop between son , wife and mother and the

relationship matures into one of mutual tolerance.

if wife and mother live under the same roof both should find different roles for each other and

avoid situation of conflict to be resolved by son .if one of them is career type and the other a

housewife , the set up remains stable .money also spoils everything in a relationship.more money

more issues relating to it. mostly the career types get into difficulties after marriage.

 

[Raji Ram]

Most of the marriages are marred by the mother in law who is possessive about her son!

Does it mean that women are more possessive by nature? A million dollar Q !!!

 

[krish44]

Most of the marriages are marred by the mother in law who is possessive about her son!

Does it mean that women are more possessive by nature? A million dollar Q !!!

when wives get their own child , they will return son to her mother in law . until then MIL has to be patient. it is normal for women to be possessive about their sons. somehow , they do not care as much about daughters.they accept that daughters will find their matches and go away

 

[Vaagmi]

Dear Vaagmi Sir,

What is the difference between bossing and possessive nature?

dear RR,

Possessiveness is more deeprooted. It is an outcome of insecure feeling which is raw. Bossing is an instrument used to put someone on a tether and is deliberate. Bossing can be a manifestation of underlying insecurity and possessiveness. Bossing can be contained by defensive and offensive countermeasures. Possessiveness has to be handled more carefully. It involves handling brittle minds. A lot of talking with concerned individuals and sharing private moments is necessary for that. Only with that kind of heavy investment possessiveness can be contained. It requires maturity and patience.

 

[vgane]

Most of the marriages are marred by the mother in law who is possessive about her son!

Does it mean that women are more possessive by nature? A million dollar Q !!!

The womans possessiveness of a son is more than mans possessiveness of his son ..Here pure economy plays..The mother is more dependent on a son to take care of her in old age..So the possession is more..Also 10 months in the tummy syndrome (பத்து மாதம் வயிற்றில் சுமந்தேனே) also affects the psyche of a woman!

 

[Vaagmi]

1)Most of the marriages are marred by the mother in law who is possessive about her son!

2)Does it mean that women are more possessive by nature? A million dollar Q !!!

1)Most of the marriages...............a MIL who is possessive about her son and a DIL who wants to destroy that possessiveness overnight.

2)It just means the son is stupid.

 

[renuka]

I have written this many times in Forum that many Indian females suffer from Reverse Oedipus Complex.

They become possessive of their sons and see their DIL as a competition!

Most of the while these females are not getting enough attention from their husbands and they look for an alternative male attention and get fixated on their sons.

They want their sons to adore them and put them ahead of any other female and end up ruining their son's marriages.

I always wonder ... even if a son chooses his mum over his wife what will he do when he requires carnal pleasure?LOL

So the son himself becomes angry..hot tempered and depressed finally or might resort to an extra marital liaison.

A mother should know that even if she is not getting any attention from her husband..she has no right to ruin her son's life..doesnt she want her son to be happy? after all how long can she stay with a son?? Its a wife that finally looks after a man....a true loving mother will never compete with a DIL.

I have noted that most Indians as we age tend to glorify abstinence and that is why all the problem starts..cos if an older lady is not getting attention from her husband she is going to become possessive of her son.

I have noted out here in some Non Hindu communities that encourage sexual relationship between husband and wife even till ripe old age..MIL and DIL problems are hardly ever present cos MIL is busy herself and has adequate attention from her husband.


So if any son wants to have a successful marriage without their mothers interfering..he better send his parents on 2nd honeymoon and not Vanaprastha!LOL