Why don't we share our pain & happiness

[vgane]

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I was really shocked yesterday when we came to know that some one very close in the family did not share with us that his wife passed away...He was highly educated ...She was suffering from Cancer & the death happened 2 months back...Many of the close relatives were not informed

Why are we not sharing our pain..When we are in trouble why don't we share our grief...Don't we commiserate with other's anguish...Are we not humane...Are we not tender hearted to express kind words...Why do we feel that others are mean, merciless and harsh

I decided to probe..Do we share our happiness...Do we think others are jealous and will think harm for us...Why are we thinking like that? What a tragedy! This will not take us anywhere!

 

[sravna]

I was really shocked yesterday when we came to know that some one very close in the family did not share with us that his wife passed away...He was highly educated ...She was suffering from Cancer & the death happened 2 months back...Many of the close relatives were not informed

Why are we not sharing our pain..When we are in trouble why don't we share our grief...Don't we commiserate with other's anguish...Are we not humane...Are we not tender hearted to express kind words...Why do we feel that others are mean, merciless and harsh

I decided to probe..Do we share our happiness...Do we think others are jealous and will think harm for us...Why are we thinking like that? What a tragedy! This will not take us anywhere!

Dear Shri Vgane,

The purpose of sharing pain is to reduce it and that of sharing happiness is to increase it. This is the normal expectation when people are willing to treat others pain and happiness as their or at least to a reasonable extent as their own pain and happiness. It is indeed a tragedy that people are moving away from such empathetic attitude. So no wonder one is less inclined to share one's pain and happiness with others.

Unless people seriously reflect on this and try to incorporate some empathy in themselves or at least behave in such a way we are heading towards a serious societal crisis.

 

[vgane]

Unless people seriously reflect on this and try to incorporate some empathy in themselves or at least behave in such a way we are heading towards a serious societal crisis.

Dear Shri Sravna,

When persons who think are close to us behave like that it is distressing...We need to definitely introspect...What is wrong with us...It is perturbing me...They live in the same city...There could be differences among family members..But do we go to this extent?

 

[sravna]

Dear Shri Sravna,

When persons who think are close to us behave like that it is distressing...We need to definitely introspect...What is wrong with us...It is perturbing me...They live in the same city...There could be differences among family members..But do we go to this extent?

Dear Shri Vgane,

People seem to think that sharing their problems does not help them in any way but what you have mentioned is really not understandable. It is really sad that the gentleman chose not to abate his pain by not sharing the news with others.

 

[renuka]

Some prefer to be personal...its their personal choice cos sometimes other humans are fake.


Sometimes we might be looking for sympathy but what we get in return is not what we would have imagined.

Especially these days social media has made people cold and brutal in words.

Some write nasty comments even when one is in distressed and seeking out for some comforting words.

Then they say "Oh that is the risk you take when you go open about your problems"

So 99.99% of human beings are good for nothing..they only rejoice and blame people when things go wrong.

So some choose to be quiet.

I know very well when a person is sick with Cancer etc..so called well wisher relatives would say stuff like "Aiyoo..what Karma did you have that your are suffering now..you are such a good person how come this happened...I can only think of of some Pavam you did in some previous birth''

So you see its to avoid such people those who are dying prefer to die in silence.

We should just respect a persons choice of not sharing his pain or even happiness.

 

[mkrishna100]

An uncle of mine who was staying with his wife alone ( all his Children are abroad ) , once did not inform any one of us when his wife was operated and was bedridden .Accidentally one of our relatives visited him and learned of the same and asked him why he did not inform any of other relatives for which he sarcastically replied the following " what is the use , would you have footed my medical bills or sat with me at the hospital or would any other relative be willing to do the same . All of you would just come and visit us for name sake after the operation is over and bring some fruits etc ,chat for a few mts and then go over " .
Actually this uncle of mine never mixed with any of the relatives even before and his wife was a notorious one not allowing anyone inside the house and he himself felt guilty of calling for help when he was in crisis and so decided to keep quite and suffer in silence as he knew for the way his wife treated others , no one would help him or his wife . No doubt most of the family members were upset with him and his wife but they definitely would have helped him if he asked for help but he choose to remain silent because of his own guilt .

I feel Vgane's relative may also come under such a category .

 

[vgane]

I feel Vgane's relative may also come under such a category .

There is a huge difference..He is the richest in our family..He was the most educated...His wife is from a very rich family..But she very friendly with all his relatives..She was not all class conscious..very sincere and devoted to her husband and children..I feel sorry about him...May be life without her was dark for him....But can he take such a step in frustration...Are we not there to empathize his loss?

 

[mkrishna100]

But can he take such a step in frustration...Are we not there to empathize his loss?

But what about his Children ? Why did they keep quiet ?

 

[vgane]

But what about his Children ? Why did they keep quiet ?

It is our attitude..Avalukku therinju enna agap pordhu...We are in a cocoon...The world ends within ourselves...Our children do not cross our opinion normally in such matters

 

[yesmohan]

Some people are of the sort that they would share the moments of happiness with all people around; but confine their agony / grief / moments of sorrow within themselves.

Moreover, on the death of the cancer patients, people want the quick disposal of the body; even most of the visitors make the visit with a lot of aversion / dislike / a bit of abhorrence............ in mind.

 

[renuka]

I feel most of us are forgetting that some people grief differently.

They might go into isolation for a while...even be depressed mostly...keep their feelings to themselves and over time they learn to talk about their feelings.

So we should learn to respect their feelings and their mode of coming to terms with their grief.

Believe me...the worst thing anyone wants when one seeks personal space is having a relative trying to invade that personal space.

Sometimes caring for someone might just be leaving them alone till they seek you.

We Indians are busy bodies..imposing creatures and do not know how to draw the line when it comes to personal space and privacy.


Not everyone wants to share their happiness or sorrow...cos that makes us an open book for comments from others and its rare to find a human these days who does not compare and contrast and comment upon each episode of happiness or sorrow.

The best one can do if one really cares for someone is just keep a silent watch on the person who is in grief...to make sure he does not slide into major depression or contemplates suicide.

One can just be on friendly terms without the need to talk about his loss or make him feel guilty as why he did not choose to share his problems.

Let him unload to you if he wishes....advice him if he seeks your help....if he doesnt unload....just respect his decision.

After all no two humans are alike.

May be he could better equipped to handle all situations.

 

[vgane]

Renukaji,

I brought this to this forum as our community never shares the pain...The community consciousness is very low..We want to wallow in grief..We think that only we have to find a solution...Ava enna ninaippa? Avalta sonna nambala patti mattama ninaika mattala....The sharing at the right moment is very low in the community...In some cases sharing happens after years & other person who could have helped in case it was known in the first instant itself, would not be able to help in such matters!

 

[renuka]

Renukaji,

I brought this to this forum as our community never shares the pain...The community consciousness is very low..We want to wallow in grief..We think that only we have to find a solution...Ava enna ninaippa? Avalta sonna nambala patti mattama ninaika mattala....The sharing at the right moment is very low in the community...In some cases sharing happens after years & other person who could have helped in case it was known in the first instant itself, would not be able to help in such matters!

Dear Vgane ji,

The higher the education status of a community the less they share their sorrow or even happiness.

If you go to a village where the education level might not be as high...the whole village would know even if a Lungi gets stolen and the Natamai would have to pass a Theerpu eventually!

The news network among the lesser educated puts BBC and CNN to shame.

As one becomes more educated..their expressions of emotions becomes more "politically correct" and polished... in that process one stops sharing.