Amavasai Tharpanam

[sangom]

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Hmmm... How true Shri kunjuppu Sir! It is a hopelessly vicious circle. The Vadhyars work at the pleasure of the Grahasthas. The Grahasthas complain that the Vadhyars cheat and fleece them. There seems to be truth in both accusations. The type of 'mockery' you have cited seems to be a 'happy'(?) case of mutual concurrence between the Vadhyar and the Grahastha. So they both do not complain. Heartburns arise only in two types of situations: (1). The Vadhyar is an old-timer, still having the remnants of some conscience, but the Grahastha cares two hoot about all that. (2). The Grahastha wants the function to be carried out in the prescribed way but the Vadhyar is either incompetent or indifferent. Rarely, we have situations where both are interested in ensuring things are done properly.

Incidentally, my son's marriage is to take place on the 16th. As I belong to a Vadhyar family myself and it is only my own sister's son and own brother's sons will be in the brahmavarnam, I hope the 'mockery factor' may not be of a high value, though I have to wait and see how things really turn out!

Dear Shri CLN, Shri Kunjuppu,

The observations which Kunjuppu makes regarding the marriage (which he attended) shows how time brings in changes in our functions, rites, and rituals — may be imperceptibly too. As long as the household concerned does not "boast" they are following the sastras meticulously and all that, I for one, don't have any comments or complaints about the changes/departures from the "average norms" observed by Kunjuppu. The problem comes only when people go along with the times and also claim to be very strict about "aacaarams" and "saastram", that there is hypocrisy.

I feel such changes have always been there and it has never been possible for the Brahmans to swim straight across a running river. Similar changes are bound to continue and take our community to a situation in which the secular (I mean the non-dharmasastraic) elements will predominate, in due course of time. We may not like that change but we will not be able to stop it happening.

What CLN refers to "cheating" by vaadhyars is more of a "business" sentiment, I believe, than an informed evaluation. For example, if a vadhyar demands Rs. 15,000/= for a poonal, may be because the parents of the boy are very highly paid IT people, someone like the boy's grandfather (remembering those golden days when the vaideekam expenses for a poonal used to be in the range of Rs.100 or Rs.200), expects a certain quantity and quality of mantras from the vadhyar and assembled purohits (who are brought by the main vadhyar). More often than not, a busy, popular vadhyar will have a couple of marriages, three or four upanayanams etc., if it is an auspicious day (muhoorta naaL). So the main vadhyar posts one able assistant in each place, and pays just spot visits to all the places so as to coincide with the brahmopadesam, gotra-changing and mangalya dhaaranam etc., in as many spots as possible. Thus he pockets a small fortune that day, but the said grandfather is disappointed because of the non-presence of the main vadhyar all through the function and concludes that they were short changed.

This is how things go today.

 

[sangom]

CLN,

my heartiest best wishes and greetings to your son & his spouse to be,

for a happy, contented & healthy life together. God Bless.

Shri CLN,

I too join Kunjuppu in wishing all the best to the young couple-to be.

 

[CLN]

Thank you Shri Sangom ji!

This marriage is not the culmination of a smooth sequence or events. I gave an indication of what it is in my post in another thread some days ago - I think it was in response to a post about how Tabras marriages are not necessarily strictly among Tabras. In this specific case, the bridegroom (my son) is a Tamil Brahmin whereas the bride is a Maharashtrian Brahmin. My wife is NOT in favour of it and is not likely to attend the function!

So, I keep my fingers crossed.

 

[kunjuppu]

CLN,

i pray mrs CLN changes her mind.

how can one convince someone, that the consequences of a particular action has a lifetime of ripples?

conditional love. i wish you sir, the best of nerves, to go through this function, and its aftermath. God Bless.

 

[B Suresh Kumar]

Dear CLN
I join with Kunjuppu in praying that Mrs KLN changes her mind. I pray to almight to give you the strength to conduct the marriage smoothly

 

[CLN]

Thanks to all of you who have expressed support to me and are joining me in my prayers for every thing to go on smoothly. I hope to report about how the function went through after it is all over.

Who knows? Miracles do happen at times!

 

[sangom]

Thank you Shri Sangom ji!

This marriage is not the culmination of a smooth sequence or events. I gave an indication of what it is in my post in another thread some days ago - I think it was in response to a post about how Tabras marriages are not necessarily strictly among Tabras. In this specific case, the bridegroom (my son) is a Tamil Brahmin whereas the bride is a Maharashtrian Brahmin. My wife is NOT in favour of it and is not likely to attend the function!

So, I keep my fingers crossed.

I hope you have conveyed my view — that your wife will be commiting a grave mistake which she will not be able to set right in future easily — if she remains adamant now; as mother of the boy it is just easy to attend the marriage and bless her son and dil for a happy and long married life and then remain separate if she is not able to get along with the dil. Where is the maternal love if she shows such attitude? I request you to tell her that we (my wife and I) have a dil from Indore/domiciled in Baroda, and we find her very very different in ALL matters from us, but a very loving, affectionate person which makes us forget all the differences. Request your Mrs. not to prejudge the dil and also not to distance her son by her own folly.

 

[CLN]

Shri Sangom ji,

Much water has flown under the bridge. Her ego is clouding her judgment and she is not of the 'listening' (to anybody) type/tribe!
Anyway, there still is a week ahead. We shall see.

Meanwhile I am acutely conscious of a distinct possibility - Shri Suresh Kumar might be feeling right now that I have hijacked his thread, started for a very different purpose!

 

[sangom]

Shri Sangom ji,

Much water has flown under the bridge. Her ego is clouding her judgment and she is not of the 'listening' (to anybody) type/tribe!
Anyway, there still is a week ahead. We shall see.

Meanwhile I am acutely conscious of a distinct possibility - Shri Suresh Kumar might be feeling right now that I have hijacked his thread, started for a very different purpose!

CLN,

I hope Suresh does not; after all, all of us will be very happy to see (know) that your son's marriage went off smoothly and your wife also attended it. I hope and pray for that.

 

[CLN]

That was very kind of you Shri Sangom Sir!

With such good will being focussed from kind and great souls I sincerely hope that every thing will go on smoothly. People believe that collective prayers do have a strong positive effect. In this situation, I think it won't be amiss if I attached the marriage invitation to this post, inviting each and every member to the function. So I am taking the liberty of doing so. I know, you, my well-wishers, are scattered all over the world. Of what significance is mere physical distance when minds unite and bless? Those who are nearby and can physically attend are most welcome to do so. Others, can still send their positive mental vibrations of wishes and blessings for a smooth function without any untoward happenings.

If you go through the Invitation, you will not find my wife's or her father's name anywhere! That is in compliance to a stern condition delivered to me by her with a veiled threat!

 

[siganeswarie]

tharpanam can be done before sun rises at 5am
it will makes our relax
if cant we can done after 8.30am
b suresh kumar
it depends on ability of time we have in daily routine
and activity we have
so better before our activity begin u should perform tharpanam

 

[CLN]

tharpanam can be done before sun rises at 5am
it will makes our relax
if cant we can done after 8.30am
b suresh kumar
it depends on ability of time we have in daily routine
and activity we have
so better before our activity begin u should perform tharpanam

Now the thread has been brought back into the track after my 'hijack'!
I take this suggestion to perform Tharpanam before sunrise is a purely personal suggestion, only based on reasons of exigency and expediency!

 

[saidevo]

namaste shrI Suresh Kumar.

It seems to me that the only option you have to avoid undesirable items in meal is to do your own cooking on the tarpaNam days, if that is possible.

 

[sangom]

That was very kind of you Shri Sangom Sir!

With such good will being focussed from kind and great souls I sincerely hope that every thing will go on smoothly. People believe that collective prayers do have a strong positive effect. In this situation, I think it won't be amiss if I attached the marriage invitation to this post, inviting each and every member to the function. So I am taking the liberty of doing so. I know, you, my well-wishers, are scattered all over the world. Of what significance is mere physical distance when minds unite and bless? Those who are nearby and can physically attend are most welcome to do so. Others, can still send their positive mental vibrations of wishes and blessings for a smooth function without any untoward happenings.

If you go through the Invitation, you will not find my wife's or her father's name anywhere! That is in compliance to a stern condition delivered to me by her with a veiled threat!

Dear Shri CLN,

Our Best Wishes, once again. That is all I can say, after seeing the resolve of your better half!

 

[sangom]

Now the thread has been brought back into the track after my 'hijack'!
I take this suggestion to perform Tharpanam before sunrise is a purely personal suggestion, only based on reasons of exigency and expediency!

As I have tried to say through my different posts, it is one thing if a person gets satisfaction by scrupulously following the saastram, and a different thing if the idea is just that we remember our ancestors on certain days, because we cannot always be thinking of them. After all, but for their sacrifices we won't be here today. In the latter case it does not matter if tarpanam is done before sunrise also, for example if one has to catch a train at 6.00 A.M. Everything depends on the mind.

 

[KRS]

Dear Sri CLN Ji,

I am not a poster person for anyone in this Forum. My dad passed away when I was 5 years old. I did not have any guidance of a fatherly figure in my life even though I lived with my uncle, who was my dad's younger brother.

I grew up essentially alone and where I am today is all because of my own efforts (by the way, I don't attribute this to my own brilliance, but rather because, I now understand that my life was pre ordained to be so.)

I got married in the USA, against the wishes of my mother, because it just happened that way. When she was searching for a bride for me, and I supported her in doing so, an improbable event happened. I met a person, which was love at first sight on both sides.

I disappointed my mom, who as a young widow had to endure so many things. I really felt bad, but talking to her at that time, she was more concerned about our relative's reaction than any objections that she could logically provide. She only said 'I don't like American girls - look at the way they are shown in American movies!'.

Fast forward 20 years. My wife became her favorite DIL. Why? Because of humanity. My wife was a Jewish American who was to her the model of a DIL in our epics. When my wife passed away suddenly, my mom was the most affected on the personal level.

Please show this posting to your wife and remind her that her son is still marrying within the fold of Brahmins. Not only that, he is marrying someone that he is very fortunate to love when marrying her. I know our model is 'marry and love' but here it is a guaranteed 'love and marry and love'. After all is it not a parent's wish and dream that their children are happy? Please ask your wife, what makes her think as a human being that this won't make her son happy.

By the way, I know of instances where the children of my closest relative (sibling) have been married with arranged marriages. Both DILs are very nice, but they are here in USA and because my sibling could not adjust to the way of life here, both sons are not close to their parents (I don't blame them, because I know the detailed circumstances).

Please tell your wife she is making a great mistake. Instead of getting a loving DIL, she is paving the way to surely having a life without affection from her son and his sons/daughters. Is this worth it?

This is the greatest folly of our community. Instead of acting on humanity, we act on the edicts of Shastras that are dead and gone. And we are the losers. And this makes us dried up emotionally as human beings.

Religion is for our benefit. There is no religion in the universe that can be called a religion if it creates strife against our normal human condition.

Sorry for the lengthy posting. I feel for you.

Regards,
KRS

 

[CLN]

Fantastic indeed, Shri KRS! Your analysis is really masterly!

I am really overwhelmed at the concern and sympathy shown by the members. If not any human effort, these expressions of pure goodwill of all of you will certainly create a strong positive impact, I believe, sooner or later. Thank you all!

 

[CLN]

Sangom: "Everything depends on the mind"

I totally agree! In fact, that is exactly what I also tried to convey when I pointed out that the suggestion to perform the tharpanam before sunrise is a personal suggestion. I intend no offence here to siganeswarie who has given this suggestion, but I feel that any decision should be a personal decision of the karta, as per 'exigency and expediency' and not that of any body else. This does not necessarily mean that the karta has defied dharmashastras, as long as his sincerity and devotedness have not been compromised; therefore, there is no need for any sense of guilt to be attached to such a deviation.

 

[B Suresh Kumar]

Dear CLN
I am happy that my thread has been used and many prayers are being offered for the smooth functioning of the marriage.
This is more a general forum where we can discuss and if possible form our own rules

 

[B Suresh Kumar]

namaste shrI Suresh Kumar.

It seems to me that the only option you have to avoid undesirable items in meal is to do your own cooking on the tarpaNam days, if that is possible.

Dear Saidevo,
Good suggestion but it is not possible for me to carry provisions and cooking stove wherever I go. I keep on moving about.

 

[CLN]

Dear CLN
I am happy that my thread has been used and many prayers are being offered for the smooth functioning of the marriage.
This is more a general forum where we can discuss and if possible form our own rules

While I thank you for your observation I must admit I had unintentionally encroached upon your space, so to say. But, such things happening in Forum discussions cannot be completely ruled out. The fact that how just a casual reference by me to my son's marriage in my reply post to Shri kunjuppu's lament over how corrupted the time-honoured practices of the past have come to be led to all the good wishes pouring in from all directions, though there might be some others, who might have frowned upon my unintentional hijack!

All this only shows the intrinsic worth of the Forum. It shows how the Tabras who make this Forum are kind, good-hearted, alert to each other's needs and noticeably well-informed! I think I did mention some thing to this effect in my welcome post also to you some days back.

 

[B Suresh Kumar]

Dear CLN sir,
I have gone through your invitation and I am glad you were my indirect guru. I am student of Kendriya Vidyalaya. I joined Kendriya vidyalaya in 1966 the year it was started in Jabalpur and passed HSC in 1972 from KV Gill Nagar Chennai.
My son is also a product of Kendriya Vidyalaya. His entire schooling was in KV he studied in KV Ashok Nagar and Madurai.
I am proud to have studied in Kendriya vidayala.
I am Having classes in AVC colloge of Engineering Mayiladuthurai on 14th 15th and 16th
My best wishes for the marriage.
My mothers native is Kozhiyuthi, close to Mayiladuthurai.

 

[CLN]

What a nice thing, Shri Suresh Kumar!

I did my PUC and B. Sc (Physics) from A.V.C. College, of course, when it was an up and coming institution still. It is a well-known fact that KVIANS are generally doing extremely well in life all over the world. I am very glad that both you and your son are KVS products. Who knows? I might have even visited your son's class either in KV Ashoknagar or KV Madurai, during my round of inspections!

The world is a small place indeed!

 

[B Suresh Kumar]

Dear CLN sir,
hope your sons marriage would have gone off well.
did your wife change her mind at the last minute

 

[CLN]

B Suresh Kumar: hope your sons marriage would have gone off well.

Yes!

did your wife change her mind at the last minute

No!!