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[preethichandra]

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Respected all,


I am a 25 year old Software Engineer Preethi. I am a brahmin by birth(Iyer). I believe in God. 2&half years back, I fell in love with a guy in my company, I told my parents once I was sure about his character, what followed is 2 years of great pain and sorrow. My parents have been completely against this relationship and they have done everything to make me forget him. They are completely in a fit of rage because I choose someone who is not a brahmin. I can understand and empathize with them, but I find it very difficult to forget the guy, for whom I have been fighting for 2 years. Calling names of me & his family, calling the relationship as lust and what not.. All parties involved have been equally hurt and my parents threaten that if I marry him against their wishes, they will sell the house and move to outskirts, make my brother who is 10 years younger to me not to talk to me, dad will get VRS etc. But did I love for all these? Definitely no.. I wanted everyone involved to be happy and to take care of my brother & parents well! May be I shouldn't have fallen in love, but I cant change the past.


His family is okay with the relationship. His father passed away when he was young and his mom is in 60s. They want us to get married ASAP since he is 30 now and everyone in their circle are asking why is he not married now. He is a vegetarian by choice and they will allow me to follow my customs and rituals. I don't have the guts to leave my parents and marry him, nor marry someone else against my heart. I am in a fix, torn between two people whom I love the most. No one in my relatives know about this and I am not sure about their reactions as well.. All our lives have stalled and I just want to make a progress atleast now. I am seeking some sincere and serious advice from the elders here whom I think like my parents. Please let me know what can be done to make things a bit better

 

[yesmohan]

Respected all,


I am a 25 year old Software Engineer Preethi. I am a brahmin by birth(Iyer). I believe in God. 2&half years back, I fell in love with a guy in my company, I told my parents once I was sure about his character, what followed is 2 years of great pain and sorrow. My parents have been completely against this relationship and they have done everything to make me forget him. They are completely in a fit of rage because I choose someone who is not a brahmin. I can understand and empathize with them, but I find it very difficult to forget the guy, for whom I have been fighting for 2 years. Calling names of me & his family, calling the relationship as lust and what not.. All parties involved have been equally hurt and my parents threaten that if I marry him against their wishes, they will sell the house and move to outskirts, make my brother who is 10 years younger to me not to talk to me, dad will get VRS etc. But did I love for all these? Definitely no.. I wanted everyone involved to be happy and to take care of my brother & parents well! May be I shouldn't have fallen in love, but I cant change the past.


His family is okay with the relationship. His father passed away when he was young and his mom is in 60s. They want us to get married ASAP since he is 30 now and everyone in their circle are asking why is he not married now. He is a vegetarian by choice and they will allow me to follow my customs and rituals. I don't have the guts to leave my parents and marry him, nor marry someone else against my heart. I am in a fix, torn between two people whom I love the most. No one in my relatives know about this and I am not sure about their reactions as well.. All our lives have stalled and I just want to make a progress atleast now. I am seeking some sincere and serious advice from the elders here whom I think like my parents. Please let me know what can be done to make things a bit better

Miss Preethi,
It seems that you are very brave and outspoken.
Usually, these types of people will not easily fall in love. If they, then it may not be easy for them to retract.
You say that you don't have the guts to leave your parents and marry your lover. Your state of mind, as you say will not reconcile to marry someone else against your wish.
You want to marry the guy you love and also maintain cordiality with your parents like wanting to eat the cake and have it too.
Being a cat on the hot roof you are in a dilemma….. which side to jump?
You could not reconcile with your parents; so also your parents with you. You come to this forum stating that the elders here are like your parents. Is it with a fervent hope that some one in the community will give green signal so that you could convince your parents?
You only know to great extent how far your parents have commitments to stick to their ideas.
But, I am of the view, initially in case of love, both the lovers, could not read the mind/heart of each other as an open book, as “Love” is blind at least to some extent. One will show one’s true colour only at some point of time when crisis come.
Being aware of situation, why can’t you love try by putting to test your……love and lover?
You may try to keep the love & the lover away at a distance from your mind quietly for quite sometime. After all, 25 and 30 are not too late in these days.
Time is the best the healer for all wounds of the mind and also provider of good solution to any problem, in course.
Avoid thinking about the affair and talking about it to any body, particularly to your lover and parents.
Wait for some time; surprisingly, you will find a good solution as you could be the best judge.

 

[krish44]

Preethi

Play for time.

The average age of working girl for marriage is 28years. you are far below that age.You have allthe time in the world to get what you want. waiting does nobody harm.

The boy can easily afford to wait for you if he likes you.

If it is serious love , he will wait . If he does not , matter is resolved and you can have a clean conscience. In case he does , you might be in a dilemma to resolve the issue

Try using the time bought to work for your family to raise their economic status, fulfill their commitments . If you care and sacrifice enough that they are convinced

about your caring for them ,they might relent and let you have your way .Most families are reasonable . They will never come in the way of happiness of children

specially the sacrificing children, Try caring for your own family and I am sure they will support your choice of mate if he is good otherwise and is of different caste

 

[krish44]

In india you do not marry a man , You get a family along with it. The boy has parents. Also the family you get into might have different customs,food habits ,way of life

which you might have to adopt.love alone cannot make you put up with it.. you will find it difficult to get accepted by extended family of boy howver much you are open

and willing to change and adapt to new environment'.

It is not wise to give up own family support for any reason whatsoever . The back up is very essential to survive in india.I know of many cases only own family

become the only ones who care for someone in distress in marriage if it happens unfortunately.

In my family also my children married those whom they liked . One waited six years and the other four and both got family backing after that. you will also get if you

wait

 

[renuka]

Preeti dear...if you are facing that much opposition its better you break off with your boyfriend and take some time off and then marry the boy your parents choose.

I am not a TB but this is the advice I would give anyone regardless of caste..if something has so much opposition it will rarely work out.

Don't worry about not being able to forget the guy..time heals all wounds..we humans are programmed to survive at all odds.

We are not entirely even meant to be monogamous..really no kidding..but becos of rules and regulations of society we humans have been "trained" to be monogamous.

Now if you ask me..for a girl its important to have parental support in anything so that there is always some form of back up even if any type of marriage fails..be it love or arranged.

So dont worry..from being a member in TB forum for a while I can make out that a TB leads a life that is kind off complex with great emphasis of culture and tradition which at times can seem a tad too orthodox for present times..this is my honest opinion..it seems to me that you come from a very traditional family...so better for you to just listen to your parents and get married to the guy they choose.

You can always love again by falling in love with the guy your parents choose.

 

[tbs]

Preeti dear...if you are facing that much opposition its better you break off with your boyfriend and take some time off and then marry the boy your parents choose.

I am not a TB but this is the advice I would give anyone regardless of caste..if something has so much opposition it will rarely work out.

Don't worry about not being able to forget the guy..time heals all wounds..we humans are programmed to survive at all odds.

We are not entirely even meant to be monogamous..really no kidding..but becos of rules and regulations of society we humans have been "trained" to be monogamous.

Now if you ask me..for a girl its important to have parental support in anything so that there is always some form of back up even if any type of marriage fails..be it love or arranged.

So dont worry..from being a member in TB forum for a while I can make out that a TB leads a life that is kind off complex with great emphasis of culture and tradition which at times can seem a tad too orthodox for present time..this is my honest opinion..it seems to me that you come from a very traditional family...so better for you to just listen to your parents and get married to the guy they choose.

You can always love again by falling in love with the guy your parents choose.

hi

nice words....a good advice from a doctor....a practical woman......a mother of son.....who knows pain of son/child....

i had similar experiences......a small life experience advice......SUCCESS IN THE LOVEI S FAILURE IN THE LIFE.....

FAILURE IN THE LOVE IS SUCCESS IN THE LIFE....its ur life...its ur choice.....i dont like to write anything in this thread....

becoz i had gone similar kind of problem abt 30 yrs back with 10 yrs love feelings....

 

[krish44]

hi

nice words....a good advice from a doctor....a practical woman......a mother of son.....who knows pain of son/child....

i had similar experiences......a small life experience advice......SUCCESS IN THE LOVEI S FAILURE IN THE LIFE.....

FAILURE IN THE LOVE IS SUCCESS IN THE LIFE....its ur life...its ur choice.....i dont like to write anything in this thread....

becoz i had gone similar kind of problem abt 30 yrs back with 10 yrs love feelings....

If someone has failed 30 years back , it should not mean others should fail thirty years later.

franky after waiting for 3 yrs or so if family does not accept her decision, she should marry the person of her choice.

 

[krish44]

Times have changed. With education , economic independance of girl earning their own living in decent jobs, families should learn not to thrust their choices of mates on

adult 25 year olds. With Globalisation , the new internet generation cannot anymore honour narrow caste traditions and marry someone only because he has a specific

caste label. If families are unreasonable, an adult girl 25 plus should assert her right of choice and move away after giving due notice of three years or so...

She should also be careful about her choice of mate. Sometimes , a heavy price gets paid for a not so good choice. it is a bit risky.in a highly caste polarised state.

One requires some inner strength to stick to ones choice and make a success of IC?IR marriage.

 

[Raji Ram]

If the guy had chosen a girl from a lower caste than his, then his mom would play a different fiddle! :violin:

 

[CHANDRU1849]

The member has not mentioned about her parents' personal background. If they are very orthodox, and if she knows it (she is supposed to), why does she prefer an NB?

Is he the only fittest working with her?

The psychology of girls is rather puzzling.

 

[apsarathy]

Exactly!

 

[Vaagmi]

Respected all,


I am a 25 year old Software Engineer Preethi. I am a brahmin by birth(Iyer). I believe in God. 2&half years back, I fell in love with a guy in my company, I told my parents once I was sure about his character, what followed is 2 years of great pain and sorrow. My parents have been completely against this relationship and they have done everything to make me forget him. They are completely in a fit of rage because I choose someone who is not a brahmin. I can understand and empathize with them, but I find it very difficult to forget the guy, for whom I have been fighting for 2 years. Calling names of me & his family, calling the relationship as lust and what not.. All parties involved have been equally hurt and my parents threaten that if I marry him against their wishes, they will sell the house and move to outskirts, make my brother who is 10 years younger to me not to talk to me, dad will get VRS etc. But did I love for all these? Definitely no.. I wanted everyone involved to be happy and to take care of my brother & parents well! May be I shouldn't have fallen in love, but I cant change the past.


His family is okay with the relationship. His father passed away when he was young and his mom is in 60s. They want us to get married ASAP since he is 30 now and everyone in their circle are asking why is he not married now. He is a vegetarian by choice and they will allow me to follow my customs and rituals. I don't have the guts to leave my parents and marry him, nor marry someone else against my heart. I am in a fix, torn between two people whom I love the most. No one in my relatives know about this and I am not sure about their reactions as well.. All our lives have stalled and I just want to make a progress atleast now. I am seeking some sincere and serious advice from the elders here whom I think like my parents. Please let me know what can be done to make things a bit better

Dear Preethi,

1. A 25 year old girl from an obviously orthodox brahmin family should have known the extent of damage/disturbance she will be causing by her decision to go for a marriage with a NB boy. So your surprise or pain at being told not to go for the marriage is rather unbelievable. You expected this and perhaps thought that it will pass harmlessly. But that did not happen. Now you are wondering what to do. If you think your parents are important to you, give up this relationship and after a cooling off period of one or two years marry someone else from within your caste as suggested by your family. you can give up your lover but you can not give up your parents and get another set of them. You will have friends who will all encourage you to marry your love, you will have arm chair revolutionaries who will write poetry and encourage you to marry your love like Romeo and Juliet, like Ambikapathi and Amaravathi etc., etc., But you only can decide what is good and expedient for you. That depends on the bond between you and your family on the one hand and the bond between you and your lover. There is nothing great about his people being ok with your love. Every brahmin girl is okay for a NB boy's parent because there is nothing repugnant in getting a B girl into the family as DIL. Think well and decide.

2. You have said "May be I shouldn't have fallen in love, but I cant change the past". If you are so sure about your inability to change the past, what is the need for this post of yours asking for advice. Did you expect that people should all in unison say, "preethi you did well. forget your parents and marry your lover. Love is great. The world is always against lovers like you. etc., etc.,"?

3. Your parents gave you the education and with complete trust and faith in you sent you out to face the world. The education provided was not only to learn maths and technology, but also to learn how to have control over your heart and emotions. It appears your education had not helped you much in these areas.

Castes are unique to Hinduism. Without subscribing to the upper/lower or forward/backward nonsense, we can still take a close look at it. I see a lot of cultural values coming along with the castes. A lot of attitudinal and moral handed down wisdom and values come bundled with castes. When mixing of these values is done the result can be less than par because of compromises. When a girl looks for a lovable boy I believe she looks for not only character but also attitudes, values and culture to avoid unnecessary clashes later in life.

Think well and decide. My advice will be to forget the love and to listen to parents.

3.

 

[Raji Ram]

When the girl is unable to listen to her parents, will she listen to any of us here?

BTW, similar threads have appeared earlier in forum and at times, the OP was 'taking us for a ride'! :car:

 

[krish44]

Some like to make fun of seniors by asking for advice on such matters .

IMHO those who sincerely ask for such advise must be morons or close to it.

what anyway are they expecting from seniors in this forum

Those who give advise -well perhaps nothing better to do .

Nobody in any case listens to their advice in their own families.lol

 

[krish44]

Recommend the movie 'Masaan' reviewed by me elsewhere to preethi and all senior citizen of this forum.

they will realise what is happening in all B or C class cities or rural india.

Richa playing the character Devi makes a statement on behalf of all young working ladies.

Educated working women can make their choices boldly and confront the rotten division of people into castes and sub castes subjugating them to atrocities in the name

of caste .

This order artificially enforced would have to yield ground for emancipation of women.

Hiding behind undefined values and culture to justify caste division is sheer hypocritical in the least.

Using the caste name to continue an unjust social order

preventing them from making their choices freely requires condemnation

 

[Vaagmi]

Recommend the movie 'Masaan' reviewed by me elsewhere to preethi and all senior citizen of this forum. they will realise what is happening in all B or C class cities or rural india.Richa playing the character Devi makes a statement on behalf of all young working ladies.

I recommend the movie "அந்த ஏழு நாட்கள்' to be viewed by the girl and the senior members of this forum. What is this special thing about "the young working lady"? How is she different from the other young women as far as the emotions and their inter play is concerned? It has become a fashion these days for the arm-chair revolutionaries to goad these young girls to take a plunge into chaos and disaster. Particularly those oldies who have already lost the game because their children never listened to them or respected them and went their disastrous ways by choosing whatever they liked come and tell these poor gullible young women to take the disastrous plunge. They have one philosophy that is யாம் பெற்ற துன்பம் பெருக இவ்வையகம். LOL.. In Tamil they call this கண்டதே காட்சி கொண்டதே கோலம். These parents have miserably failed in their duties to their children and their wayward children are just monsters who have no love or respect for their parents.

Educated working women can make their choices boldly and confront the rotten division of people into castes and sub castes subjugating them to atrocities in the name of caste .This order artificially enforced would have to yield ground for emancipation of women.

Making a choice boldly does not necessarily have to be by choosing a NB match. It is like telling the women that they have to be bold and discard all those traditionally women's dresses like, chudithar, pant, skirt, saree etc., and wear only bikinis 24x7. Castes have meaning. Whether you like it or not, castes are meaningful groupings. Emancipation is not by reckless behavior. It is by getting modern and moving with times taking carefully measured steps.

Hiding behind undefined values and culture to justify caste division is sheer hypocritical in the least.Using the caste name to continue an unjust social order preventing them from making their choices freely requires condemnation

There is no hiding. It is all open. The religious and caste values are all well defined. If you do not understand it is your fault. The unjust social order is what people who did not understand the caste like you brought about. the upper/lower or forward/backward nonsense is the creation of people who never understood caste. For every hundred intercaste marriages taking place with the goading by armchair revolutionaries, there are a million same caste marriages taking place in the traditional way and the couple live happily. It is not as if only the intercaste couple live happily and all those couples from the same caste are living a miserable life. So intercaste marriages eminently deserve condemnation.

 

[vgane]

My suggestion is to forget this love matter...It will not give peace to your parents who have educated you and taken care of you all these years..If you ditch them now it is a greater sin...Forget all this love and infatuation and stay spinster or marry the person chosen by your parents...There is a love mafia at work to belittle the Brahmin community..It is a number game Preethi...Do not fall for this!

 

[cmano1981]

Parents and brother will be always part of the family as they are already sealed. If you trust the man you loved - taking all that comes back as effect good and bad - you have to take it - goahead and marry. Marrying late is not a good idea anymore. In current environment and due to different factors.. families are struggling to have children if they marry late. Ask that man to phone your parents and talk too.. somebody can break the ice.

 

[tbs]

The member has not mentioned about her parents' personal background. If they are very orthodox, and if she knows it (she is supposed to), why does she prefer an NB?

Is he the only fittest working with her?

The psychology of girls is rather puzzling.

hi

exactly.....especially software gals......lol

 

[tks]

There had been many such threads in the past. I am not sure if the opening post is about a true problem of a real person or it is about someone spinning a plausible story to see the typical reaction of the more frequent posters of this forum.

Assuming it is plea of real young woman in distress here is my suggestion for whatever it is worth.

1. Break off your relationship with this person for two years. Breaking off means you cannot have any contact of any kind, should not enquire about him in any manner and every day you think about him you should meditate in the name of your Ishta Devata for 1 hour that day.

2. Tell this man that you cannot see him for a period of 2 years and that he is welcome to pursue whatever path he chooses. This means if he wants to get married to someone else so be it. At the end of two years if you found he is married you can assume that is is Isvara's will and let it go.

3. Tell your parents that you have chosen to completely break off for two years because you love and care for them. Tell them that unless your mind changes and is open to getting married to someone else of their choosing you will not entertain the idea of getting married to anyone else. The reasoning is that it will be unfair to a prospective groom if you agree to marry while still thinking about this other person.

4. Tell your parents that you will do your best to change your mind in the two years. If that is impossible even after making a huge effort then they have to consider your wishes and support your decision.

My take is that your 'love' is just a mere infatuation and your mind has spun this love out of watching too many movies.
Your parent's may be objecting due to their concern for your future welfare and for their caste-ego-identity. But they should hopefully see that you are taking steps to forget this person. If after two years of this sacrifice you have undertaken, your feelings for this person is still the same then try to reason with them with other elders to support your commitment. They are likely to support you then.

The most likely outcome is that he will get married to someone and your own mind will become open to get married in a more traditional sense.

I know you are not likely to listen to this kind of advice in which case I wish you all the best!

 

[tbs]

hi

love is nothing wrong.....guts required for both....life is 2 type....move against the water...or flow with the water,,,,in reality...

both are hard.....ask ur conscious.....ready to face consequences....

 

[biswa]

I think Mr. TKS's advice is the most balanced and concerns most angles. I think it may be sound advice even outside ICMs in case parents object for some reason.

 

[Raji Ram]

There had been many such threads in the past. I am not sure if the opening post is about a true problem of a real person or it is about someone spinning a plausible story to see the typical reaction of the more frequent posters of this forum.
.............

Ms. Preethi has not responded to any of the posts.

Are we wasting our time here?

 

[renuka]

Dear Preeti,

I feel in India when it comes to an intercaste marriage there is seldom "good'wishes" from either side.

In the Indian scenario it becomes a caste clash with each caste trying to project themselves over the other and no one thinks of the couple who want to marry.

Further more in an IC marriage sometimes or most of the while couples think they can continue living per their culture without any change.
The Brahmin wants to "Brahminize" the home and the Non Brahmin wants to "Non Brahminize" the home.

This is unfair cos its not fair to impose individual cultures on each other.

It always better to have one direction in a house that is respect the husband's culture and follow it for the sake of a direction for children or both husband and wife try to work out a neutral 'new culture' that is a more open concept pf Hinduism without the need to impose too many cultural or caste elements. That is they should create a Mixed Caste culture by taking beneficial elements from both cultures and discarding not so beneficial elements.

But how many can think on these lines?

So the best option for those who can't accept their husband's culture or a new mixed caste culture is to marry their own kind..it would be fair to both.

 

[tks]

Ms. Preethi has not responded to any of the posts.

Are we wasting our time here?

In the past, posts by newbie members seem to appear in the middle of a thread. The only explanation I can think of is that perhaps they are initially screened and approved prior to posting but once approved they may appear sequentially based on date & time of posting. So if there is a real Preethi and it is a she, then her response may appear in a few days