How to tell if it's lust or love Vinita Chaturvedi,TNN

[prasad1]

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Many marriages end because what spouses thought was love was mere lust. Also, the primary problem with lust is that it can never be satisfied, and the absence of real love causes a person to lose interest in the flame of what they thought will last a lifetime.


So, if you are in a relationship of almost on the threshold of one, wait and ponder if you should really take that final plunge....


Here are some of the signs of lust:


1. You're totally in awe of the person's features.


2. You're focused on how 'cool' the person's appearance is.


3. Your conversations are always unreal and flirtatious.


4. You're obsessed around that person.


5. You're more like love birds than friends.


6. You're interested in having sex more than anything else.


7. You're more drawn to where that person is in life than the heart of the individual.


8. You're insensitive to everyone else around you and care only about what you can get through that relationship.


9. Lack of attention drives you to be a person you are never proud to be.


10. You place a greater focus on the fantasies than the actual facts and responsibilities of a relationship.

 

[vgane]

Everything gets over in 90 days ...Lust in 30 days & desire in 60 days (Asai arubadhu naal, Mogam Mupatu naal)..After that the stark reality emerges that one has act as husband & wife in front of all ie society ..So the rest is all drama!!

 

[krish44]

Many marriages end because what spouses thought was love was mere lust. Also, the primary problem with lust is that it can never be satisfied, and the absence of real love causes a person to lose interest in the flame of what they thought will last a lifetime.


So, if you are in a relationship of almost on the threshold of one, wait and ponder if you should really take that final plunge....


Here are some of the signs of lust:


1. You're totally in awe of the person's features.


2. You're focused on how 'cool' the person's appearance is.


3. Your conversations are always unreal and flirtatious.


4. You're obsessed around that person.


5. You're more like love birds than friends.


6. You're interested in having sex more than anything else.


7. You're more drawn to where that person is in life than the heart of the individual.


8. You're insensitive to everyone else around you and care only about what you can get through that relationship.


9. Lack of attention drives you to be a person you are never proud to be.


10. You place a greater focus on the fantasies than the actual facts and responsibilities of a relationship.

IMHO, lust is the basic reason for any relationship
.
if it ends up in marriage , well bad luck if you go by what vgane sir says is true quoting

some tamil saying

most people marry when they are young and are hot blooded. they could get attracted

physically to persons who are good looking ,

and there is a lot of deception about your own qualities and qualifications to be the ideal lover and you also fantasize about the nature and lifestyle of such persons .

sometimes it reaches the level of obsession to the level of ignoring well meaning advice of those around you ..

one does not analyse deeply

there is no friendship as such nor identity of interests .

when it by chance it ends up in marriage , the harsh realities dawns and realisation

slowly seeps in how insensible the whole thing was .

then a reassessment takes place . lust has to get replaced by friendship and tolerance .

when one realises there are some responsibilities attached to marriage, it can drive off all ideas of lust

a reasonable approach to life is do not marry whom you are physically attracted to.

we are better off with the indian system for marriage -horoscope match and do what mummy says .lol

 

[Iyyarooraan]

Be mutually attentive pals. No 2 thinking persons can agree. If the one of the 2 is a lady then you have a crowd of persons. Live in Humanity and with humanity. Tolerate and endure other person's intolerance. Rest is all sports and pastime.

 

[biswa]

Love or lust, it is just because of chemical hormones, isnt it? So all same in the end.

 

[renuka]

Have we noticed that invariably its always a female that comes up with a long list of what is lust and what is love.

Guys dont think about this at all!LOL

I too wonder why females especially Indian females keep wanting to downplay the role of sexuality in the husband and wife relationship.

The Sanskrit word for love between husband and wife is not Deiviga Kadhal as mostly imagined but its Moha(infatuation).

Love does not happen over night...attraction which has lust as the substratum is the precursor and that makes us get interested in a person and we then notice the person more and fall in love after we get close and get to know their nature.

I just hope Indian females would start to look at reality and not try to act sans lust and project a Sati Savitri image....for all you know in real life they might give Sunny Leone a run for her money!LOL


BTW just to add..my answers in blue below.

Here are some of the signs of lust:


1. You're totally in awe of the person's features.

Going by this all Indians marry cos of lust cos all males see their future wifes features in an arranged marriage and choose one with good features and mostly fair complexion!

BTW I totally disagree with the writer cos surely we love to see the face of the person we adore.
Dont poets describe the face of Lord Krishna ever so beautifully and also describe Goddesses so in detail..is that lust??? Nope..its just appreciation.

2. You're focused on how 'cool' the person's appearance is.

Cool or Hot have the same meaning when we are describing a person.

We say 'Wow he is cool...wow he is hot"!LOL

Its just shows our fascination and there is nothing wrong in that.


3. Your conversations are always unreal and flirtatious.

Hey who does not like flirting? Flirting with the person you love is the best turn and keeps the sparks of marriage alive! Well I guess the write is not a Libran..so she has no flirting skills!


4. You're obsessed around that person.

Obsession is neither love or lust..its a disorder that stems becos of low self esteem, lack of confidence and the fear of rejection.




5. You're more like love birds than friends.

There is a Sanskrit saying that says(I cant remember the whole saying but its like this...

A good wife is a like a friend in council ..a mother when she serves meals to husband and like a whore in bed.

So love bird or not..some action keeps the marriage going.


6. You're interested in having sex more than anything else.

What is wrong?? Sex is an extension of love.




7. You're more drawn to where that person is in life than the heart of the individual.

Well going by this..that means all Indian arranged marriages are built on lust cos all females are interested in the guys income more than anything else!LOL

If I like someone he surely has to be matching with me in terms of education and status in life..I dont aim for someone too way above me or too way below me..with equals we seldom go wrong.


8. You're insensitive to everyone else around you and care only about what you can get through that relationship.

Early stages of love..every phone call we only want it to be from that person..we would not like to talk to anyone else and pay him/her the most attention....after a while we get used to having that person as a part of our live and he/she joins the list of all those around us.
Just like when we get a new shoe we take care of it so well..after a while it joins the other old shoes on the rack.




9. Lack of attention drives you to be a person you are never proud to be.

Nope..not true..unless you are a very possessive and jealous person.


10. You place a greater focus on the fantasies than the actual facts and responsibilities of a relationship.

Fantasizing is healthy..that adds Garam Masala to marriage.

 

[renuka]

a reasonable approach to life is do not marry whom you are physically attracted to.

Better pray for immaculate conception too!LOL

 

[Vaagmi]

What happens first depends on:

1. How active your glands are.

2. How old are you and how long you have been in the "denial" mode.

3. what kind of movies do you see-whether they are " vaay moodi pesuvathu eppadi" or Miss Leone flicks.

 

[krish44]

Have we noticed that invariably its always a female that comes up with a long list of what is lust and what is love.

Guys dont think about this at all!LOL

I too wonder why females especially Indian females keep wanting to downplay the role of sexuality in the husband and wife relationship.

The Sanskrit word for love between husband and wife is not Deiviga Kadhal as mostly imagined but its Moha(infatuation).

Love does not happen over night...attraction which has lust as the substratum is the precursor and that makes us get interested in a person and we then notice the person more and fall in love after we get close and get to know their nature.

I just hope Indian females would start to look at reality and not try to act sans lust and project a Sati Savitri image....for all you know in real life they might give Sunny Leone a run for her money!LOL


BTW just to add..my answers in blue below.

moha remains moha and nothing else .ladies can give it a deivega twist .men and women can

imagine that it is love.women are looking for a person they would like to share their life with .

men are looking for ladies their parents would put up with.

so why mix up moha with all that .

living with another person is a different ball game . responsibility ,tolerance ,friendship and give and take . ..

there is no moha as such to start with as it is an arranged marriage to start with. only a peek at the person and a small date if permitted .

in many cases , it is like a job interview . there can be a bad choice or good depending on your luck.

 

[renuka]

moha remains moha and nothing else .ladies can give it a deivega twist .men and women can

imagine that it is love.women are looking for a person they would like to share their life with .

men are looking for ladies their parents would put up with.

so why mix up moha with all that .

living with another person is a different ball game . responsibility ,tolerance ,friendship and give and take . ..

there is no moha as such to start with as it is an arranged marriage to start with. only a peek at the person and a small date if permitted .

in many cases , it is like a job interview . there can be a bad choice or good depending on your luck.

Not all ladies want to give Moha a Deiviga twist.

In fact who wants a male who wants to "pray" to his wife!LOL

Technically Deiviga Kadhal is just a state of hormonal denial....mostly the hormonal cocktail will be wrecking havoc in the mind and body but there is some amount of fear to act on it in case the girl rejects the male.

Some males know they dont stand much chance to get females..so they control themselves well like some sedated Discovery Channel Lion for sometime and then pounce on their prey once the get their licence(a.k.a marriage)..that time they will be singing a different tune and no more Devotional Love songs!LOL

Now coming to why females love to differentiate lust and love.. I feel as females age and note the effects of gravity on the now sagging assets...some amount of self esteem also gets dragged down by gravity.

Then there is a fall in the feeling of attractiveness..the zero gravity feeling one feels when the plane experiences airpocket turbulence on flight...that zero gravity fall makes some feel empty and so females spin this yarn about true love being different from lust so that they make themselves feel better and imagine that everything is alright.

Personally I feel lust is important for continuation of species and nothing to be ashamed of.

Lust or love..both release Dopamine and Endorphins.

After all even sage Kardama made himself into NINE forms to have conjugal bliss with Devahuti..that is really something cos I always thought 5 forms would suffice ..wonder what 9 would actually do!LOL

vibhajya navadhatmanam
manavim suratotsukam
ramam niramayan reme
varsha-pugan muhurtavat



TRANSLATION​

After coming back to his hermitage, he divided himself into nine personalities just to give pleasure to Devahuti, the daughter of Manu, who was eager for sex life. In that way he enjoyed with her for many, many years, which passed just like a moment.

 

[renuka]

there is no moha as such to start with as it is an arranged marriage to start with. only a peek at the person and a small date if permitted .

in many cases , it is like a job interview . there can be a bad choice or good depending on your luck.

Hello Krish ji,

But what makes us say yes? We can view may prospective grooms and brides but we will only say YES to the one who gives us the Something Happens Feeling (Kuch Kuch Hota Hai feeling) isnt it?

That is MOHA.

 

[krish44]

renukaji
a very interesting post
you can look at it clinically as only a doctor can .

ask any conventional lady. how many will concede that it is just compulsions of hormones and glands
moha and

deiviga kadhal is part of double speak carefully cultivated and nurtured. by all

if you ask many ladies , they would also insist that sex and creation of children are their religeous duty as part of marriage life

instead of enjoyment of physical relationship , they would talk of merits of abstinence.

men would like to lust and may not have the courage and have the fear of rejection uppermost when approaching a lady. so abstinence and denial are part of their life . given the oppurtunity and freedom , they may opt for moha if no strings of marriage are attached. there are more polygamists in thinking if not in action.incase the normal routes are denied they would go in for a settled marriage- a perfectly understood conventional option

I do not know if ladies think of love being different from lust due to concerns of aging and consequent loss of attractiveness as you have mentioned .

as far as kardama and devahuti are concerned , god bless them , they had to take nine personalities to enjoy conjugal life . I did not know it was that complicated . arbitrarily a number five is decided .why not four or six. is it a lucky number. lol

 

[renuka]

Answers in blue:

if you ask many ladies , they would also insist that sex and creation of children are their religeous duty as part of marriage life

Yes..they will say this just to paint a Sati Savitri image but in reality their estrogens will be wrecking havoc in the body and all effects of heightened state can be proved!LOL

Indians tend to down play sexuality to project purity when in fact sex itself can be a manifestation of pure love.

instead of enjoyment of physical relationship , they would talk of merits of abstinence.

That is becos they got bored of the same guy!LOL



I do not know if ladies think of love being different from lust due to concerns of aging and consequent loss of attractiveness as you have mentioned .

Lust is the substratum for attraction and that eventually leads to love..after a while everything dies down just like a carbonated drink that loses its fizz!

as far as kardama and devahuti are concerned , god bless them , they had to take nine personalities to enjoy conjugal life . I did not know it was that complicated . arbitrarily a number five is decided .why not four or six. is it a lucky number. lol

It was him who took 9 forms...she was just one form..so she had a nice time and gave birth to 9 daughters.

 

[krish44]

Hello Krish ji,

But what makes us say yes? We can view may prospective grooms and brides but we will only say YES to the one who gives us the Something Happens Feeling (Kuch Kuch Hota Hai feeling) isnt it?

That is MOHA.

in arranged marriages , moha is not primary . marriage is a joint decision of many involved . it is a family to family transaction.any girl who is not physically repulsive normally gets accepted if she passes the acid test otherwise . It can hardly be termed moha .kuch kuch hota hai is only in karan johar films .not in real life .lol

 

[renuka]

in arranged marriages , moha is not primary . marriage is a joint decision of many involved . it is a family to family transaction.any girl who is not physically repulsive normally gets accepted if she passes the acid test otherwise . It can hardly be termed moha .kuch kuch hota hai is only in karan johar films .not in real life .lol

Dear Krish ji,

Before any prospective groom comes..surely Ultrasound scanning,CT Scan,MRI would have been done by girls family and only then they groom's side can come to propose...so you see that is the time we get to see the groom and its the Kuch Kuch Hota Hai feeling that decides if we like the guy or not.

All the guys which I saw I never felt anything but when I saw my husband that time I was fond of actor Prashanth(that time Actor Prashanth was clean shaven).. and my husband sort of resembled him so I said yes.

Other mappillais all had mustache..so I said no to others.

See its so easy to get married!

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish ji,

Before any prospective groom comes..surely Ultrasound scanning,CT Scan,MRI would have been done by girls family and only then they groom's side can come to propose...so you see that is the time we get to see the groom and its the Kuch Kuch Hota Hai feeling that decides if we like the guy or not.

All the guys which I saw I never felt anything but when I saw my husband that time I was fond of actor Prashanth(that time Actor Prashanth was clean shaven).. and my husband sort of resembled him so I said yes.

Other mappillais all had mustache..so I said no to others.

See its so easy to get married!

yours may be an isolated case. otherwise the mother of the girl sells the groom to daughter based on his edu. and job credentials . only prospective mother in law can exhibit moha . and decide if the groom is suitable or not. she can add handsomeness as a criterion . only she might like actors of sixties era lol

 

[renuka]

yours may be an isolated case. otherwise the mother of the girl sells the groom to daughter based on his edu. and job credentials . only prospective mother in law can exhibit moha . and decide if the groom is suitable or not. she can add handsomeness as a criterion . only she might like actors of sixties era lol

Out here arranged marriages are not like this at all.

In fact some modern mapillasi also ask to see the girl on their own to meet them outside before parents come into the picture but I did not agree for such meetings cos I would not want to meet a perfect stranger without my parents. What if he is a serial killer?LOL

Its not Lovvu to meet a guy all on your own..cos you cant trust men..many have double standards ..if you agree to meet them they might think we are too out going..so its always good to act innocent before marriage and make the mappilais come to the house to view the bride! After marriage we can transform into our true selves!


But the final say here is with the groom and bride.If both like each other only then marriage takes place.

 

[krish44]

in arranged marriages,in case boy seeing girl is done traditionally. the boy accompanied by his

relations [mostly parents plus a relative or two] go to girls place . they see the girl as a group

. in addition in slightly progressive families , the boy and the girl get a chance to talk to each

other in the girls house itself for sometime .

meeting outside if it takes place , parents or atleast mother accompanies the girl to a meeting

place -relations place or coffee shop etc . there is strict supervision .

any other meeting takes place after engagement with or without the approval of

parents depending on the comfort level of both boy and the girl .

normally meetings are discouraged until marriage .

there is a fear one of the parties may back out after couple of meetings.

no one would like to spoil the reputation of girl by sending her unescorted anywhere with a

boy if the intent is marriage.

it is not very unusual that proposals fall through after couple of meetings .

there are many failed engagements and marriages getting stopped before marriage date these

days .

I know of many such cases. marriages are risky affairs these days

 

[dhikshita]

Everything gets over in 90 days ...Lust in 30 days & desire in 60 days (Asai arubadhu naal, Mogam Mupatu naal)..After that the stark reality emerges that one has act as husband & wife in front of all ie society ..So the rest is all drama!!

Sir,
I do agree with the first part of your comments which is colloquial. Does the second part i.e., 'so the rest is all drama' means the eternal life of mankind as some people believe in eternal life i.e., after death?. Will it denotes the saying of Kayame ithu poiyada verum kattru adaitha poiyyada ..... by The Great Saint Pattinathar. Can you clear me? or am I right in my writing or am I deviating from the nuance of the author.

 

[vgane]

Sir,
I do agree with the first part of your comments which is colloquial. Does the second part i.e., 'so the rest is all drama' means the eternal life of mankind as some people believe in eternal life i.e., after death?. Will it denotes the saying of Kayame ithu poiyada verum kattru adaitha poiyyada ..... by The Great Saint Pattinathar. Can you clear me? or am I right in my writing or am I deviating from the nuance of the author.

Dear Sir,

I am giving an earthy twist to marriage..After the initial hullabaloo over marriage, it dawns on the couple that they have to look at life differently..They have a partner to be taken care of..They have to manage the daily chores of the family..There is additional responsibility which is thrust on the couple..They may have to share that..They also have to manage the outside world!

 

[vgane]

What will the there in this marriage...Love, Lust, or Fatigue or may be ruing fate

ND Tiwari marries Rohit Shekhar's mother Ujjwala Sharma in Lucknow - The Times of India

 

[Raji Ram]

Sri. Tiwari might have married now because of fear of Karma theory! :decision:

If he cheats a woman in this birth, he might be born again to suffer because of his bad karma. :lol:

 

[sarang]

Property. Now mulayam yadhav's son by second wife, I.e. akilesh's step brother wants an equal share in politics, property and spoils.

What will the there in this marriage...Love, Lust, or Fatigue or may be ruing fate

ND Tiwari marries Rohit Shekhar's mother Ujjwala Sharma in Lucknow - The Times of India

 

[dvrrajakumar]

When You read madhurashtakam as an Atheist you will know that it is about lust

When you chant madhurashtakam with all devotion then you will know the love

This is the simple difference, otherwise in practical sense you can write ramayana or mahabharatha type lust or love stories otherwise "Kutram Nadanthathu Enna" serial

Lust lasts just for that 2 1/2 minutes
Love lasts for ever
Because you do love yourself intensely
I am injured, I am suffering
When somebody else suffers,
It is Prarbhdha Karma please bear it
I love myself
I lust my spouse
I give consideration to my children
I respect my friends
When I love others, then
I become Mahatma

Prof.D.V.R.Rajakumar

 

[vgane]

I lust my spouse

Dear Prof,

Why should it be always lust with wife

Wife is our equal partner in progress

It is also love in equal measure!

Lust is just a biological need which is not 24 x 7!

When lust is the only thing then pure love will not have a place!