Is Iyer-Iyengar marriage acceptable?

[i_m_abi]

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Hi all! I am pretty new to this forum, I am from a tamil iyengar family. My parents are searching for a prospective groom and we had a discussion on this topic. I have seen many iyer-iyengar marriages these days and thought that it was very common. Even one of my cousin is searching for a tambrahm groom(iyer/iyengar). This again reinforced my belief that iyer-iyengar marriages are usual. But when i spoke with my parents, they were against this idea. They told me that different customs and cultures between the two sects will make it difficult for the girl in future. I am thinking anyways post marriage, every girl will have to learn the customs of her in laws, so why segregate these two. In my humble opinion, most tambrahms worship both shiva and vishnu. So, I don't think citing a deity as a deterrent factor is convincing. I would be glad if elders in this forum can share your thoughts on this. If I had blurted out something wrong, please pardon me. I am just learning things. Thanks for reading!

 

[sravna]

Acceptable. Shiva and Vishnu are one. Nitpicking on that can be ignored and real compatibility between partners matters more.

 

[renuka]

When Vishnu as Mohini and Shiva could bring about Hariharan(Dharma Shastha)..why should any Iyengar and Iyer have any problem?

 

[pbkhema]

Hi all! I am pretty new to this forum, I am from a tamil iyengar family. My parents are searching for a prospective groom and we had a discussion on this topic. I have seen many iyer-iyengar marriages these days and thought that it was very common. Even one of my cousin is searching for a tambrahm groom(iyer/iyengar). This again reinforced my belief that iyer-iyengar marriages are usual. But when i spoke with my parents, they were against this idea. They told me that different customs and cultures between the two sects will make it difficult for the girl in future. I am thinking anyways post marriage, every girl will have to learn the customs of her in laws, so why segregate these two. In my humble opinion, most tambrahms worship both shiva and vishnu. So, I don't think citing a deity as a deterrent factor is convincing. I would be glad if elders in this forum can share your thoughts on this. If I had blurted out something wrong, please pardon me. I am just learning things. Thanks for reading!

The smrtis do not say anything about Iyer Iyengar. They speak only about the Sutram. For example if the bride and groom are from Apathamba Sutra then no problem

 

[sravna]

When Vishnu as Mohini and Shiva could bring about Hariharan(Dharma Shastha)..why should any Iyengar and Iyer have any problem?

When Vishnu and Shiva are one Hariharan is also no different from them. Form matters only in as much you are not able to grasp the whole or are more comfortable with forms.

 

[Mur61]

Hi all! I am pretty new to this forum, I am from a tamil iyengar family. My parents are searching for a prospective groom and we had a discussion on this topic. I have seen many iyer-iyengar marriages these days and thought that it was very common. Even one of my cousin is searching for a tambrahm groom(iyer/iyengar). This again reinforced my belief that iyer-iyengar marriages are usual. But when i spoke with my parents, they were against this idea. They told me that different customs and cultures between the two sects will make it difficult for the girl in future. I am thinking anyways post marriage, every girl will have to learn the customs of her in laws, so why segregate these two. In my humble opinion, most tambrahms worship both shiva and vishnu. So, I don't think citing a deity as a deterrent factor is convincing. I would be glad if elders in this forum can share your thoughts on this. If I had blurted out something wrong, please pardon me. I am just learning things. Thanks for reading!

Better than marrying a christian or muslim or any other caste for that matter...

 

[a-TB]

Hi all! I am pretty new to this forum, I am from a tamil iyengar family. My parents are searching for a prospective groom and we had a discussion on this topic. I have seen many iyer-iyengar marriages these days and thought that it was very common. Even one of my cousin is searching for a tambrahm groom(iyer/iyengar). This again reinforced my belief that iyer-iyengar marriages are usual. But when i spoke with my parents, they were against this idea. They told me that different customs and cultures between the two sects will make it difficult for the girl in future. I am thinking anyways post marriage, every girl will have to learn the customs of her in laws, so why segregate these two. In my humble opinion, most tambrahms worship both shiva and vishnu. So, I don't think citing a deity as a deterrent factor is convincing. I would be glad if elders in this forum can share your thoughts on this. If I had blurted out something wrong, please pardon me. I am just learning things. Thanks for reading!

In the end it all comes to how dogmatic families involved in an alliance are. Even within Iyangar - Iyangar weddings one can have problems of adjustment. It is fine to look in the beginning for families within your traditions. If there is a seeming match, it is all great. Otherwise expand the search. It is nice that you are working with your parents and looking for harmony. Please make a list of attributes that are non-negotiables in a prospective groom. That list has to be small. That will help to be more objective. Your parents want the best for you. But sometimes a single criteria like 'boy from Iyangar family' could end up compromising other important attributes that you may find important Have a open conversation with your parents on your non-negotiable list. I wish you all the best

 

[prasad1]

In your life after marriage, you will find that customs within community customs vary. So, there has to be a compromise. If you accept compromise your chances of getting married increase. Do accept your parents' wishes but that should be one of the other thousand things. Your parents are of a different generation and their views are about 50 years old. Please accept the generational gap.
Best of luck.

 

[i_m_abi]

In the end it all comes to how dogmatic families involved in an alliance are. Even within Iyangar - Iyangar weddings one can have problems of adjustment. It is fine to look in the beginning for families within your traditions. If there is a seeming match, it is all great. Otherwise expand the search. It is nice that you are working with your parents and looking for harmony. Please make a list of attributes that are non-negotiables in a prospective groom. That list has to be small. That will help to be more objective. Your parents want the best for you. But sometimes a single criteria like 'boy from Iyangar family' could end up compromising other important attributes that you may find important Have a open conversation with your parents on your non-negotiable list. I wish you all the best

Very detailed and helpful!

 

[a-TB]

Very detailed and helpful!

Great. If you need any help in coming up with a list of attributes please ask. You have to ensure superficial things don't mask important attributes. Often in marriage area most people only contribute by saying what they dont want. But that list has to be small. Also if a person is found, will such a person want you. These are practical things. It is hard to gauge this aspect but one who approaches the marriage with a view to control the other is bad news. The control could be about money often.

I know a few parents that went through looking for alliance both in India and USA. I can share findings of any references if you want You have to ask very specific question to be helpful. Again all the best

 

[i_m_abi]

Great. If you need any help in coming up with a list of attributes please ask. You have to ensure superficial things don't mask important attributes. Often in marriage area most people only contribute by saying what they dont want. But that list has to be small. Also if a person is found, will such a person want you. These are practical things. It is hard to gauge this aspect but one who approaches the marriage with a view to control the other is bad news. The control could be about money often.

I know a few parents that went through looking for alliance both in India and USA. I can share findings of any references if you want You have to ask very specific question to be helpful. Again all the best

Thanks again!

 

[CHANDRU1849]

In your life after marriage, you will find that customs within community customs vary. So, there has to be a compromise. If you accept compromise your chances of getting married increase. Do accept your parents' wishes but that should be one of the other thousand things. Your parents are of a different generation and their views are about 50 years old. Please accept the generational gap.
Best of luck.

Don't ride two horses simultaneously. Be specific.

Both parents and children have to sacrifice to preserve the practices let alone religion. It seems Brahmins are very sensitive and whenever expectations are not met, switching sides seems to be common. The Association has to play a major and decisive role in keeping the community in tact.

This generally happens in Muslim community.

 

[thebigthinkg]

Acceptable to whom..?
Between individuals marriage is about asymptotic freedom. Like Earth and Sky, word and meaning, like bi-star vasishtar and arundhati, two independent individuals with different characteristics live as two independent entities (not master-slave), but always bound together. They don't make sense without each other. Whomever you are ready with for these, marriage works at individual level.
Between families, in a patriarchal society like ours, the bride adopts the customs, cultures and rituals of grooms' family. If you do the same, then there is no issue on these, as these will be widely different from birth to death (if you plan to follow them).

 

[shwetha05]

Why not. We have come a long way but we have forgotten our core responsibility. We have to become united . Not binna binna . As chanakya or Adishankaracharya fought for us to be united and go into path of self realisation through the saara of vedas . Which is the vedanta. Not get drowned in rituals and making more fragments of humankind