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My jokes in Tamil and English
- Thread starter rgurus
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rgurus
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பெரியவர்: (பையனைப் பார்த்து) இப்ப நீ கையில வெச்சிருக்கியே இந்த செல்ஃபோனைக் கண்டு பிடிச்சவர் யார்? சொல்லு பார்க்கலாம்.
பையன்: எங்க அப்பா.
பெரியவர்: என்ன உளர்ரே.
பையன்: ஆமாம் சார். நான் இதை போன வாரம் தொலைச்சுட்டேன். ஒரு வாரமா தேடு தேடுன்னு தேடினேன். கடைசியிலே நேத்து சாயந்திரம் பீரோவுக்கு அடியில் இருந்த இந்த செல்ஃபோனைக் கண்டு பிடிச்சது எங்க அப்பாதான்.
பையன்: எங்க அப்பா.
பெரியவர்: என்ன உளர்ரே.
பையன்: ஆமாம் சார். நான் இதை போன வாரம் தொலைச்சுட்டேன். ஒரு வாரமா தேடு தேடுன்னு தேடினேன். கடைசியிலே நேத்து சாயந்திரம் பீரோவுக்கு அடியில் இருந்த இந்த செல்ஃபோனைக் கண்டு பிடிச்சது எங்க அப்பாதான்.
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rgurus
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My password is
sitaramlakshmanbharathsathrugnahanumandelhikejriwal
I don't follow it
It is Sita Ram Lakshman Bharath Sathrugna Hanuman Delhi Kejriwal
Why such a long password?
My bank wants my password to have five characters with one capital.
Ok. Why Kejriwal?
They want one special character in the password.
sitaramlakshmanbharathsathrugnahanumandelhikejriwal
I don't follow it
It is Sita Ram Lakshman Bharath Sathrugna Hanuman Delhi Kejriwal
Why such a long password?
My bank wants my password to have five characters with one capital.
Ok. Why Kejriwal?
They want one special character in the password.
OP
OP
rgurus
Active member
******************************************
சட்டம்னா சட்டம்தான்
நீங்க போன வருஷம் உயிரோடு இருந்ததற்கான சான்றிதழை கொடுக்கத் தவறிட்டீங்க. நாங்களும் அதைக் கவனிக்காம உங்களுக்கு பென்ஷன் கொடுத்துட்டோம்.
சார், ஆனால் இந்த வருஷம் நான் உயிரோடே இருப்பதற்கான சான்றிதழை கொடுக்க நேராவே வந்திருக்கேனே சார்.
அதையெல்லாம் நீங்க போன வருஷம் உயிரோடு இருந்திருக்கீங்கற சாட்சியமா ஏத்துக்க முடியாது. சட்டம்னா சட்டம்தான்.அதுக்கான போன வருஷ சாட்சியத்தைத் தந்தாலொழிய உங்களுக்கு இந்த வருஷம் பென்ஷன் தர முடியாது.
சட்டம்னா சட்டம்தான்
நீங்க போன வருஷம் உயிரோடு இருந்ததற்கான சான்றிதழை கொடுக்கத் தவறிட்டீங்க. நாங்களும் அதைக் கவனிக்காம உங்களுக்கு பென்ஷன் கொடுத்துட்டோம்.
சார், ஆனால் இந்த வருஷம் நான் உயிரோடே இருப்பதற்கான சான்றிதழை கொடுக்க நேராவே வந்திருக்கேனே சார்.
அதையெல்லாம் நீங்க போன வருஷம் உயிரோடு இருந்திருக்கீங்கற சாட்சியமா ஏத்துக்க முடியாது. சட்டம்னா சட்டம்தான்.அதுக்கான போன வருஷ சாட்சியத்தைத் தந்தாலொழிய உங்களுக்கு இந்த வருஷம் பென்ஷன் தர முடியாது.
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rgurus
Active member
A very real episode that happened
We used to undertake stock verification every year in our college and check the various items of consumables and nonconsumables. During the internal stock verification, our department staff will go to the other departments for verification and vice versa. Once in four years or so, the AG's office will send its audit staff for this purpose. This was more or less an established practice going on for years. First time, when our department stock was verified under nonconsumables (NC) by the external staff, we found an item marked 'stone'. Everybody was wondering what it could be and why a stone of no specifications should find an entry in the NC register! When we asked our storekeeper, he said it was there in the register for a long time and immediately brought a stone of some odd shape and size weighing about 5kg from the stores, which he had religiously preserved over years and said that this was what he was showing to all the parties which came there for stock verification including those from AG's office and this practice was going on for several years without any hitch or hindrance. We were at our wits end to know why and how a stone found a place in the register meant for NC items which invariably included lab and field equipment, machinery and so on. This was really bothering me a lot, but the verification staff took it lightly and left it at that without questioning or doubting. After the stock verification for the year was over, I became curious and wanted to unravel the mystery about the stone. Our storekeeper who was in charge and who had been there even before most of us joined the department, swore by what was entered in the NC register and when I asked him since the item entry was very old, I would like to see the previous register from which this was copied. After a search for it over a few months, he located the old register from which this item was copied. When we went through it carefully, I found that the item is not stone but stove that we use in our labs then and because of the illegible manner in which it was written, probably the person who copied it might have written it as 'STONE' instead of 'STOVE'. Many years have rolled by with the stone gathering no mass (with no one raising any doubt about it) and when I said that it could be corrected, that idea was promptly rejected on grounds that there was no stove there in the department and when all the verification parties so far had accepted what was entered in the register without any fuss, why create a new problem now unnecessarily!
At least till I retired, it remained as stone and my 'saba vimochanam' (deliverance from curse) to convert it into stove as Rama did to Ahalya, did not fructify and I do believe that it still continues to remain a stone even after twenty five years of my retirement without redemption!o
We used to undertake stock verification every year in our college and check the various items of consumables and nonconsumables. During the internal stock verification, our department staff will go to the other departments for verification and vice versa. Once in four years or so, the AG's office will send its audit staff for this purpose. This was more or less an established practice going on for years. First time, when our department stock was verified under nonconsumables (NC) by the external staff, we found an item marked 'stone'. Everybody was wondering what it could be and why a stone of no specifications should find an entry in the NC register! When we asked our storekeeper, he said it was there in the register for a long time and immediately brought a stone of some odd shape and size weighing about 5kg from the stores, which he had religiously preserved over years and said that this was what he was showing to all the parties which came there for stock verification including those from AG's office and this practice was going on for several years without any hitch or hindrance. We were at our wits end to know why and how a stone found a place in the register meant for NC items which invariably included lab and field equipment, machinery and so on. This was really bothering me a lot, but the verification staff took it lightly and left it at that without questioning or doubting. After the stock verification for the year was over, I became curious and wanted to unravel the mystery about the stone. Our storekeeper who was in charge and who had been there even before most of us joined the department, swore by what was entered in the NC register and when I asked him since the item entry was very old, I would like to see the previous register from which this was copied. After a search for it over a few months, he located the old register from which this item was copied. When we went through it carefully, I found that the item is not stone but stove that we use in our labs then and because of the illegible manner in which it was written, probably the person who copied it might have written it as 'STONE' instead of 'STOVE'. Many years have rolled by with the stone gathering no mass (with no one raising any doubt about it) and when I said that it could be corrected, that idea was promptly rejected on grounds that there was no stove there in the department and when all the verification parties so far had accepted what was entered in the register without any fuss, why create a new problem now unnecessarily!
At least till I retired, it remained as stone and my 'saba vimochanam' (deliverance from curse) to convert it into stove as Rama did to Ahalya, did not fructify and I do believe that it still continues to remain a stone even after twenty five years of my retirement without redemption!o
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rgurus
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நம்ம தலைவர் முதல்முறையா பிளேன்லே டில்லிக்குப் போகப்போறாரு. அவருக்கு ஜன்னல் ஓர ஸீட் தான் வேணுமாம். எங்கிட்டே சொல்லி புக் பண்ணச்சொல்லியிருக்காரு.
ஜன்னல் ஓர ஸீட்னா வேடிக்கை பார்த்துக்கிட்டே போகலாம் இல்லியா? அதுக்குத்தான் சொல்லியிருப்பாரு.
அதெல்லாமில்லை. அவர் வெத்திலைபாக்கு போட்டு சதா மென்னு துப்பிக்கிட்டேயிருப்பார். அதனாலே எச்சில் துப்புறதுக்கு சௌகரியமா இருக்கும்கறாரு.
ஜன்னல் ஓர ஸீட்னா வேடிக்கை பார்த்துக்கிட்டே போகலாம் இல்லியா? அதுக்குத்தான் சொல்லியிருப்பாரு.
அதெல்லாமில்லை. அவர் வெத்திலைபாக்கு போட்டு சதா மென்னு துப்பிக்கிட்டேயிருப்பார். அதனாலே எச்சில் துப்புறதுக்கு சௌகரியமா இருக்கும்கறாரு.
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rgurus
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யமன்: உன் பதிபக்தியை மெச்சினேன். உன் கணவனின் உயிரைத் தவிர வேறு ஏதேனும் வரம் கேள்.
நவீன சாவித்திரி: தர்மராஜனே. என் கணவரும் நானும் இப்போது டிவியில் முடிவே இல்லாதது என்ற சீரியல் பார்த்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறோம். அந்த சீரியல் முடியும் வரை அவர் உயிரோடு இருக்க வரம் தருமாறு தங்களை வேண்டிக்கொள்கிறேன்.
யமன்: (சற்று யோசித்து) சரி. அப்படியே தருகிறேன். ஆனால் அந்த சீரியல் முடிந்த பிறகு ஒரு நிமிடம் கூட தாமதிக்காமல் உன் கணவனை நான் கூட்டிச் சென்று விடுவேன்.
ந. சாவித்திரி: நன்றி பிரபோ. அப்படியே ஆகட்டும்.
(யமன் அவள் கணவனை விட்டுவிட்டு தன் லோகம் சென்றடைகிறான்.)
சித்திரகுப்தன்: என்ன மகாராஜா. வெறும் கையோடு வந்திருக்கிறீர்கள். சென்ற காரியம் என்ன ஆயிற்று?
யமன்: அவர்கள் இருவரும் முடிவே இல்லாதது என்ற சீரியல் பார்த்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறார்களாம். அதைப் பார்த்து முடிந்த பிறகு அந்தப் பதிவிரதை தன் கணவன் சத்தியனை யமலோகத்திற்கு எடுத்துச் செல்லுமாறு மன்றாடி வரம் கேட்டாள். நானும் அவ்வாறே செய்வதாக அவளுக்கு வரம் கொடுத்து விட்டேன்.
சி. குப்தன்: தவறு செய்து விட்டீர்களே பிரபோ. சீரியல் பெயரோ முடிவே இல்லாதது. அது ஒரு கெகா சீரியல்.
யமன்: அப்படியென்றால்?
சி. குப்தன்: மெகாசீரியலென்றாலே அதில் நடிக்க வரும் குழந்தை நட்சத்திரங்கள் நடித்து முடிக்கும் வரையில் உயிரோடு இருந்தால் கிழவனாகவோ, கிழவியாகவோ ஆகிவிடுவார்கள். அப்படி நடித்துக் கொண்டிருக்கும்போதே இறந்து விட்டால் அவர்கள் நடித்த பாத்திரத்தைக் கதையில் சாகடித்து விட்டோ அல்லது அவருக்குப் பதில் இவர் என்று வேறு ஒருவரை அந்தப் பாத்திரத்தில் நடிக்க வைத்தோ சமாளித்து விடுவார்கள். மெகாசீரியலை முழுவதுமாகப் பார்த்தவர்களே பூலோகத்தில் யாரும் கிடையாது. நாமே அந்த மாதிரி பல பேரை இங்கே பார்த்திருக்கிறோம். இப்போது சத்தியன் பார்த்துக்கொண்டு இருப்பதோ கெகா சீரியல். பெயர்வேறு முடிவே இல்லாதது. இதை எடுத்து முடிக்க ஒருயுகம் போதவே போதாது. மெகா சீரியலை விட பல மடங்கு பெரியது. அதனால் இப்போது அவனை இங்கு கொண்டு வர வாய்ப்பேயில்லை. நீங்கள் இப்போது அவனுக்குக் கொடுத்திருக்கும் வரம் சாகாவரம். இப்படி ஏமாந்து விட்டீர்களே.
நவீன சாவித்திரி: தர்மராஜனே. என் கணவரும் நானும் இப்போது டிவியில் முடிவே இல்லாதது என்ற சீரியல் பார்த்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறோம். அந்த சீரியல் முடியும் வரை அவர் உயிரோடு இருக்க வரம் தருமாறு தங்களை வேண்டிக்கொள்கிறேன்.
யமன்: (சற்று யோசித்து) சரி. அப்படியே தருகிறேன். ஆனால் அந்த சீரியல் முடிந்த பிறகு ஒரு நிமிடம் கூட தாமதிக்காமல் உன் கணவனை நான் கூட்டிச் சென்று விடுவேன்.
ந. சாவித்திரி: நன்றி பிரபோ. அப்படியே ஆகட்டும்.
(யமன் அவள் கணவனை விட்டுவிட்டு தன் லோகம் சென்றடைகிறான்.)
சித்திரகுப்தன்: என்ன மகாராஜா. வெறும் கையோடு வந்திருக்கிறீர்கள். சென்ற காரியம் என்ன ஆயிற்று?
யமன்: அவர்கள் இருவரும் முடிவே இல்லாதது என்ற சீரியல் பார்த்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறார்களாம். அதைப் பார்த்து முடிந்த பிறகு அந்தப் பதிவிரதை தன் கணவன் சத்தியனை யமலோகத்திற்கு எடுத்துச் செல்லுமாறு மன்றாடி வரம் கேட்டாள். நானும் அவ்வாறே செய்வதாக அவளுக்கு வரம் கொடுத்து விட்டேன்.
சி. குப்தன்: தவறு செய்து விட்டீர்களே பிரபோ. சீரியல் பெயரோ முடிவே இல்லாதது. அது ஒரு கெகா சீரியல்.
யமன்: அப்படியென்றால்?
சி. குப்தன்: மெகாசீரியலென்றாலே அதில் நடிக்க வரும் குழந்தை நட்சத்திரங்கள் நடித்து முடிக்கும் வரையில் உயிரோடு இருந்தால் கிழவனாகவோ, கிழவியாகவோ ஆகிவிடுவார்கள். அப்படி நடித்துக் கொண்டிருக்கும்போதே இறந்து விட்டால் அவர்கள் நடித்த பாத்திரத்தைக் கதையில் சாகடித்து விட்டோ அல்லது அவருக்குப் பதில் இவர் என்று வேறு ஒருவரை அந்தப் பாத்திரத்தில் நடிக்க வைத்தோ சமாளித்து விடுவார்கள். மெகாசீரியலை முழுவதுமாகப் பார்த்தவர்களே பூலோகத்தில் யாரும் கிடையாது. நாமே அந்த மாதிரி பல பேரை இங்கே பார்த்திருக்கிறோம். இப்போது சத்தியன் பார்த்துக்கொண்டு இருப்பதோ கெகா சீரியல். பெயர்வேறு முடிவே இல்லாதது. இதை எடுத்து முடிக்க ஒருயுகம் போதவே போதாது. மெகா சீரியலை விட பல மடங்கு பெரியது. அதனால் இப்போது அவனை இங்கு கொண்டு வர வாய்ப்பேயில்லை. நீங்கள் இப்போது அவனுக்குக் கொடுத்திருக்கும் வரம் சாகாவரம். இப்படி ஏமாந்து விட்டீர்களே.
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rgurus
Active member
A real anecdote
My real first celluloid hero:
In the year 1955 or so, when I was doing my engineering at Coimbatore, one day, I went for some shopping along with my friend in Seventy Feet Road in R.S Puram. Another friend of ours who was a day scholar, happened to come to that shop with one of his friends who looked senior in age and size compared to us. That friend introduced the new person as one Mr Mohan ( if I remember correct) and said that he was a cine actor; and that was enough to electrify us .We both were thrilled to the core and even as we could recover from our state of ecstasy, he introduced us to him. We felt honoured and shook hands with him. The very feeling of seeing a cine actor in flesh and blood at such close quarters and the fact that we got the privilege of touching and feeling a cine actor enthralled us in no small measure. In those days I was, so to say, a cine fanatic and to have a sacred dharshan of an actor and that too a hero was considered a matter of great lifetime achievement, a moment of great pride and an unparalleled honour and all the words at my command are inadequate to express the thrill that I experienced then. Immediately the actor himself came forward to talk to us (oh! what a great honour) and told us that he had acted in a picture as a hero to be released in a theatre at Coimbatore shortly and requested us to see that picture without fail. We couldn't believe our own ears ( I could hear properly at that time) and eyes and we felt that the purpose of our birth has been fulfilled. We said we would definitely see the picture at the earliest and after a few pleasant exchanges, handshakes and Namaskarams, we left the place most reluctantly with a heavy heart, our heart full of grief over the fact that we had to take leave of this cine actor so soon. No need to say that night was a sleepless night for us, the hero occupying the entire space of our heart, brain and mind and what not. We had to wait for three full days for the picture to be released which looked as though we were waiting for ages, (yugas and yugas). At last the picture was released and as you could have rightly guessed, we two were the first and second to enter the theatre to see our hero in the silver screen. That was a dream come true situation. After some unwanted and irritating wait for a few minutes, the picture started. I think the name of the picture is Nagadevathai. In the first scene, there came a prince whom we could not make out, who was bitten by a venomous snake and died. The heroine was a princess who had married the hero who had met with this sad end and the princess started crying aloud and praying, she being one of the chastest ladies comparable to Seetha, Savithri, Anusuya, Ahalya and so on, and after about half an hour, one Demi Goddess appeared before her in all her splendour and glory, moved by the copious tears shed by the princess and her incessant and sincere prayers and asked her as to what boon she wanted. The princess being a great chaste lady on the lines of Savithri asked for the life of her husband whose body was lying in a boat nearby. As usual after some hesitation, the Demi-goddess stipulated certain impossible conditions on fulfilling which, she said that her husband would revive and join her and after offering the boon the Devathai disappeared. The princess thanked the demi-goddess profusely and in fulfilment of the requirements of the boon, she towed him in a boat to different sacred shrines and temples across the country, overcame many of the obstacles and that was the rest of the picture for the next two hours. The dead prince was lying dead all through with his face covered with wreaths of flowers and festoons. In the last scene, the Devathai reappeared with a sense of satisfaction and sprinkled some holy water in the dead man's face and to the utter delight of the princess ( and to the audience) the dead man came alive and then the picture ended with a happy duet song. All the time we were wondering as to where our hero was whom we were not able to identify and when we came out of the theatre, to our great disappointment, we were told that the one who died at the beginning of the story and came back to life at the end of the story was our hero whom we were searching for throughout the picture. I can never forget this great experience of mine not only in this life but also in my many more Janmas in future to which I am ordained.
My real first celluloid hero:
In the year 1955 or so, when I was doing my engineering at Coimbatore, one day, I went for some shopping along with my friend in Seventy Feet Road in R.S Puram. Another friend of ours who was a day scholar, happened to come to that shop with one of his friends who looked senior in age and size compared to us. That friend introduced the new person as one Mr Mohan ( if I remember correct) and said that he was a cine actor; and that was enough to electrify us .We both were thrilled to the core and even as we could recover from our state of ecstasy, he introduced us to him. We felt honoured and shook hands with him. The very feeling of seeing a cine actor in flesh and blood at such close quarters and the fact that we got the privilege of touching and feeling a cine actor enthralled us in no small measure. In those days I was, so to say, a cine fanatic and to have a sacred dharshan of an actor and that too a hero was considered a matter of great lifetime achievement, a moment of great pride and an unparalleled honour and all the words at my command are inadequate to express the thrill that I experienced then. Immediately the actor himself came forward to talk to us (oh! what a great honour) and told us that he had acted in a picture as a hero to be released in a theatre at Coimbatore shortly and requested us to see that picture without fail. We couldn't believe our own ears ( I could hear properly at that time) and eyes and we felt that the purpose of our birth has been fulfilled. We said we would definitely see the picture at the earliest and after a few pleasant exchanges, handshakes and Namaskarams, we left the place most reluctantly with a heavy heart, our heart full of grief over the fact that we had to take leave of this cine actor so soon. No need to say that night was a sleepless night for us, the hero occupying the entire space of our heart, brain and mind and what not. We had to wait for three full days for the picture to be released which looked as though we were waiting for ages, (yugas and yugas). At last the picture was released and as you could have rightly guessed, we two were the first and second to enter the theatre to see our hero in the silver screen. That was a dream come true situation. After some unwanted and irritating wait for a few minutes, the picture started. I think the name of the picture is Nagadevathai. In the first scene, there came a prince whom we could not make out, who was bitten by a venomous snake and died. The heroine was a princess who had married the hero who had met with this sad end and the princess started crying aloud and praying, she being one of the chastest ladies comparable to Seetha, Savithri, Anusuya, Ahalya and so on, and after about half an hour, one Demi Goddess appeared before her in all her splendour and glory, moved by the copious tears shed by the princess and her incessant and sincere prayers and asked her as to what boon she wanted. The princess being a great chaste lady on the lines of Savithri asked for the life of her husband whose body was lying in a boat nearby. As usual after some hesitation, the Demi-goddess stipulated certain impossible conditions on fulfilling which, she said that her husband would revive and join her and after offering the boon the Devathai disappeared. The princess thanked the demi-goddess profusely and in fulfilment of the requirements of the boon, she towed him in a boat to different sacred shrines and temples across the country, overcame many of the obstacles and that was the rest of the picture for the next two hours. The dead prince was lying dead all through with his face covered with wreaths of flowers and festoons. In the last scene, the Devathai reappeared with a sense of satisfaction and sprinkled some holy water in the dead man's face and to the utter delight of the princess ( and to the audience) the dead man came alive and then the picture ended with a happy duet song. All the time we were wondering as to where our hero was whom we were not able to identify and when we came out of the theatre, to our great disappointment, we were told that the one who died at the beginning of the story and came back to life at the end of the story was our hero whom we were searching for throughout the picture. I can never forget this great experience of mine not only in this life but also in my many more Janmas in future to which I am ordained.
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rgurus
Active member
Do You Have Mustard Oil?”
The Shopkeeper Says: “Are You Santa Singh?”
Guy, Clearly Offended, Says: “Yes, I Am But Let Me Ask You Something,
If I Had Asked For Olive Oil, Would You Ask Me If I Was Italian?,
Or If I Had Asked For Bratwurst, Would You Ask Me If I Was German?,
Or If I Asked For A Kosher Hot Dog, Would You Ask Me If I Was Jewish?,
Or If I Had Asked For A Taco, Would You Ask If I Was Mexican?,
Or If I Asked For Some Irish Whiskey, Would You Ask If I Was Irish?”
The Shopkeeper Says: “No, I Probably Wouldn’t”
The Guy Says: “Well Then, Because I Asked For Mustard Oil, Why Did You Ask If I Am A Santa?”
The Shopkeeper Replied: “Because , You’re In A Liquor Store“
The Shopkeeper Says: “Are You Santa Singh?”
Guy, Clearly Offended, Says: “Yes, I Am But Let Me Ask You Something,
If I Had Asked For Olive Oil, Would You Ask Me If I Was Italian?,
Or If I Had Asked For Bratwurst, Would You Ask Me If I Was German?,
Or If I Asked For A Kosher Hot Dog, Would You Ask Me If I Was Jewish?,
Or If I Had Asked For A Taco, Would You Ask If I Was Mexican?,
Or If I Asked For Some Irish Whiskey, Would You Ask If I Was Irish?”
The Shopkeeper Says: “No, I Probably Wouldn’t”
The Guy Says: “Well Then, Because I Asked For Mustard Oil, Why Did You Ask If I Am A Santa?”
The Shopkeeper Replied: “Because , You’re In A Liquor Store“
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rgurus
Active member
Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.
Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'
'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'
Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'
'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'
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