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Nice, Clean Humour-02

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Life

Once upon a time, there lived a farmer who owned a big hayfield. The farmer's son decided he would go to the city to earn his living, so one day he packed all his bags and left home. But when he got to the city, the best he could do was a job as a bootblack at the railroad station...

...Now the father makes hay while the son shines.
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In a U.S. Western town, a notice runs thus: "In this town, last year, 4029 died of gas. 2 inhaled it; 27 put a match to it; 4000 stepped on it."
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Guest to lift man: "Why do you keep calling me 'son'?"
"Well I brought you up, didn't I?"
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A policeman stopped a lady and asked for her license. He said "Lady it says here you should be wearing glasses".

"Well I have contacts..." the woman answered.
"I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket!"
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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks, "What for?"
She responds, "I want to kill my husband."
He says, "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
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An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
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Beware of the Dog!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me....Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign....people kept tripping over him."
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It is difficult for me to distinguish between mockery of Hinduism and a poem written for fun. As a poem, it is good. But the contents thereof are sarcastic. In my opinion, ignorance is the cause of sarcasm. raja48
 
I have come across a similar one. It is about our cadre in Central Govt. service. The saying goes like this if a frog is put in water, then it tries hard and comes out. If you put two neither will come out in the sense that if one frog tries to jump, the other will pull it down and vice verse. If two people of my service remain in a place heirarchically, then neither will get promotion because they will be fighting among themselves and try to see that the other one does not get a better deal. raja48
 
Clever Dog:

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man who was already in the butcher shop finished his purchase and noticed the dog.

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put a paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
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namaste Raja.

Thank you for reviewing/appreciating postings from my collection of nice, clean, humour. As for the limericks on Hinduism, here is why I posted them:

They sure take a dig at Hinduism about one or the other concept, but then they also reveal the author's right or wrong understanding of Hinduism.

For example, in the limerick on Atman, the last line "A new understanding I've got, man." speaks a lot about the author's surprise at the depth of philosophy in Hinduism.

Making fun without any dveSham--hatred, perhaps assists learning for some. Don't we make fun of our gods and avatars in our fiction and films?

gopaindu said:
It is difficult for me to distinguish between mockery of Hinduism and a poem written for fun. As a poem, it is good. But the contents thereof are sarcastic. In my opinion, ignorance is the cause of sarcasm. raja48
Click to expand...
 
Subject: Indian View of why the raid on OBL was successful

A different view: why the raid on OBL (Osama Bin Laden) was successful??

10 Reasons:
1- Manmohan Singh is not the President of the USA.

2- Barack Obama doesn’t take orders from Sonia Gandhi.

3- Osama was hiding in Pakistan. (Instead, had he been hiding in India our security agencies would have given
a wrong lead to the US Navy Seals about his whereabouts and completely misled them).

4- He didn’t surrender himself to Indian government. (If he had done that, the Indian Government would have
given him total protection as it is now giving Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab as honored State Guests).

5- CIA was overseeing the ‘operation Geronimo’ and not the CBI which would have completely bungled the
operation because it is now over-worked in saving a host of petty criminals like Kalmadi, Raja, Kanimozhi,
Dayalu Ammal, Ashok Chavan, Shahid Balwa etc etc etc.

6- Amar Singh didn’t leak the tape showing Obama’s orders to the Pentagon to eliminate Osama.

7- In Pakistan no one tried to save him. (Had he been in India an army of human rights activists headed by
Teesta Setalvad, Shabana Azmi, Arundhati Roy, Binayak Sen and Mallika Sarabhai etc. would have formed
a human shield around him. They would have also convinced President Obama that the real culprit was
Narendra Modi. So, Modi would be on the run now!!!)

8- He didn’t meet Ekta Kapoor. She could have given him tips to be alive again.

9- He didn’t request Rajnikant who would have fought with the US forces single-handed to save him (the
Super Star would have also video taped that fight and included it in his next block buster)

10- His lack of knowledge of geography. Osama thought Abbotabad was in India somewhere near Hyderabad --
a safe haven for terrorists.

A point every terrorist should remember
No one is safe in Pakistan.....not even Osama Bin Laden.
Every one is safe in India......even Ajmal Kasab!
 
Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" said Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you fool. Somebody has stolen our tent."
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Michael DeBakey

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
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I enjoyed the humour relating to Homes and Watson. However, I could not understand the saying of Michael Debakey especially the portion relating to Debakey's reply that try doing your work with the engine running. I presume that Debakey is paid more for the job because he performs operations while the patients are alive and if Morris tries to do the same i.e. engine running, he wo'nt be alive. Pl. confrim. Keep posting such humour and make the people live happily at least for a few moments when they read your jokes/humour posts. thanks. bye.
 
Nice Clean Humaour

Dear Saidevo,(Ref.Sl.No.39, NIce Clean Humour)
Thanks for the Kanini Kavacham. I went through it. It was enjoyable on the whole. I must admit that some of the terms I could not comprehend due to lack of awareness of Computer Terminology. Further, I think, it should either be portals or folders and not portars appearing in one place. The imagination and forming the thoughts into a poem, is not easy like text and for that attempt, writer (may be your also but I am not sure) should be appreciated. bye.raja48
 
Quips

The greatest trial of patience is a stammering barrister examining a stuttering witness in the presence of a deaf judge.
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Snakeskins make the best shoes.
And banana skins make the best slippers.
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Sign at a cobbler's shop:
We doctor your shoes, heel them, attend their dyeing and save their soles.
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"I'm sorry to hear that your factory was burnt down. What do you manufacture?"
"Fire-extinguishers."
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What part of the car causes the most accidents?
The nut that holds the wheel.
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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
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Some minds are like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Do you know what Pakistan's National Airline--PIA--stands for ?

"Please Inform Allah" (as soon as flight takes off).
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Socialism: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and gives you milk.
Fascism: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and sells you milk.
Nazism: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and shoots you.
Capitalism: You have two cows, you sell one of them and buy a bull.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows, the government takes both of them, shoots one of them, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
Democracy: You have two cows, and they both go on strike.
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Quibbles

Mr. Little lived in a little house in a little town, and he worked for a very little salary. The neighbours wondered how Mr. Little and the whole Little family could get along on such a small salary. He was asked: "Mr. Little, how do you and Mrs.Little and the seven little Littles get along on such a little salary?"

He replied, "Every Little helps."
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In a forest where bananas grow
A fly stepped on an elephant's toe
And the elephant with tears in his eyes
Said "Aah pick on somebody your size."

What can you break with only one word?
Silence.
What flower is in between your nose and chin?
Two lips!

Can February march?
No, but April may.

What travels faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you often catch the cold!

What bird is present in every meal?
The swallow.

What is the difference between a school, car, robber and cholera ?
A school breaks up, a car breaks down, a robber breaks in and cholera breaks out.

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do scientists call it 're'search when looking for something new?

If vegetable oil's made of vegetables, and olive oil's made of olives ... what is baby oil made of?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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Classroom

Student: Sir, would you punish a person for something that he hasn't done?
Teacher: Never.
Student: Thank you sir,I haven't done my homework.

Why is that the colour of the vein is green even though the blood flowing through it is red?
'Coz it is similar to a watermelon.

Father: Well son, how are your school marks?
Son: They are under water dad.
Father: What do you mean?
Son: Below "C" level.

Two boys trying to outwit each other.
Boy1: My father built the Alps.
Boy2: You've heard of the Dead Sea? No? Well my father killed it.

Father: At last I've cured my son of biting his nails.
Neighbour: Really? How did you do that?
Father: I knocked all his teeth out.

Mother, scolding her child: If you fall from that tree and break your legs don't come running to me.
 
Tough Negotiations

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church. if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord, but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your Cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church if you Would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news."

The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, "that the Church will get $500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" says the Pope, "We would have to lose the Brittania Bread Account!!!"
 
Courtroom utterances: These are questions asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials.

Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15th.
Q. Which year?
A. Every year.

Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up?
A. "Where am I Cathy?"
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.

Q. Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed?

Q. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy did you check for the pulse?
A. No.
Q. Did you check the blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive nonetheless?
A. It is possible he could be alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Overheard while sitting in court.
One advocate to the other, after a girl had passed them: 'She has a supreme court figure.'
The other: 'What do you mean?'
First one: 'No appeal.'
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The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Travel

(A group of mad people in an aeroplane)

Pilot: (to the head of the mad guys) Why is there so much noise?
Head: Sir, wait a minute. I'll silence them. (goes inside).

Pilot: What did you do, it's absolutely silent inside! Head: Simple sir. I told them all to go out and play in the open space.
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A man sat on a train, chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly the old lady sitting opposite him said: "It's no good talking to me young man. I am stone deaf!"
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A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
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Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing not more than fifty feet from them.

The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes. Then, as the bear slowly approached them, he furiously attempted to lace them up.

The second man, somewhat confused, looked at the first man and said, "Whaddya doing? Running shoes ain’t gonna help! You can't outrun that there bear!"

"I don't need to outrun the bear, buddy," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."
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The best accounting firm

Three accountants were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two accountants, he said, "At Price Waterhouse Coopers, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned to the others and said, "At KPMG, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third accountant finished his job and walked straight to the door, and speaking over his shoulder as he left, he said, "At Shah & Patel, we don't pee on our hands."
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Tintumon jokes

Dad to Tintumon: When I beat you how did you control your anger?
Tintumon: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Tintumon: I clean it with your tooth brush.
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Dad: Do u know how to swim?
Tintumon: No.
Dad: A dog is better than you! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do you know how to swim?
Dad: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what's the difference between you and a dog?
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Tintumon called FM radio & said: "I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card and an ID card of Mr.Mani, No.13, Halls rd, kannur..."

Radio jocky: How honest! So you want to return his purse?

Tintumon: No. I just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him.
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Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.

"Dad," tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up..."
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"...what bus should I take home?" Tintumon finished.
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Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers."
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Teacher: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon: BA
Teacher: For Sodium?
Tintumon: NA
Teacher: What will we get if 1 atom of Barium and 2 atoms of Sodium combines?
Tintumon: "BANANA"
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The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program.

“There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning. Wouldn’t it be better to hear one at a time?”

Tintumon shouted, “Okay – you start.”
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Teacher: Imagine you are a millionaire and write ur life history.
Tintumon didn’t write.
Teacher: Why are you not writing?
Tintumon: I’m waiting for my secretary to take notes...
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teacher: Write the passive voice of "I made a mistake" ?
Tintumon: "I was made by a mistake."
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Tintumon: Dad, there is a small PTA meeting at school tomorrow.
Dad: Wat do you mean by a small PTA meeting?
Tintumon: It's just you, me and the Principal!
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Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking.
Tintumon: Declare the variable TITANIC as float!
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Episodes: Wildlife Offence

A forest ranger catches a man sitting by a make-shift campfire in a state park. To the ranger's horror, the man has just cooked an innocent bald eagle and is having it for dinner. Consequently, the man is put in jail for his crime.

On the day of his trail, the conversation in the courtroom went something like this...

The judge asked of the man, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

"Yes I do, your honour. But, if you’ll allow me to argue my case, I can explain what happened."

"Proceed."

"Well, to be honest, I got lost in the woods and I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was desperately hungry. Anyway, I saw a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish and I figured, if I followed the eagle, I might be able to steal the fish. After some time, I happened upon the eagle sitting on a tree stump with the fish. I threw a stone in the eagle’s direction, hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off... The rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head. Anyway, since I accidentally killed the eagle, I figured it was a blessing in disguise. And so, your honour, I ate the bird to save my own life."

"Very well," replied the judge. "The court will take a fifteen minute recess and return with a verdict."

Some fifteen minutes later...

"In the court’s opinion, due to your extreme circumstances and the fact that you had no poor intentions, the court will dismiss all charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers to the man, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honour," the man replied, "It’s hard to explain... but, I suppose it is tastes something like a California Condor or a Spotted Owl."
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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
==========
 
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