Hello everyone, I'm 28 year old male, while looking for the bride for past one year i found some sharp contradicting things prevailing only in brahmin society:
1. 3 to 4 eligible, qualified bridegrooms for every bride, ( when i say eligible, qualified it refers to decently talented,educated men earning decent salary to live a contemplery,happy life)
i know decent percentage of young brahmin men(more than 50%) are highly educated, talented ,hard working,intellectuals
a) Now my first question is why there is so much shortage of bridegrooms only in brahmin society?,not in non brahmin society? is it because of large scale female foetus abortion? in 80s and early 90s (or) not going for second child when first one is male!
I have seen some non brahmin community like chettiar where eligible Bride vs bridegroom ratio is around 1:1.
Dear Ragavan , i was a lurker on this forum around some 5 years ago and i guess there was a similar topic on the same lines. Fast forward 5 years and the same discussion seems to happen with the same points being raised again when i visited the forum recently. Chiefly i see that Men's family cribbing that the status quo seems in our tambram society to be lost. Hence i thought i shall provide my perspective for whatever it is worth and hence registered and posting.
There is always two sides to a coin.
Now my experience is that i have been on both sides of the fence to speak (i.e) Like yourself i went through the same issue with Bride searching and i have a sister where even before staring the search we get alliances from top doctors/IAS/IPS officers for their son's alliance who also have a very good skills sets like MS in ENgg/MBA from IIM/IIT et al. Now should i be angry that it proved to be a mess for my searching and that i had to do a MS from a Top US univ (Spending close to 20L of my parents money in the process if i may add) just to find a bride whom i liked for should i be elated that we are getting tons of proposals for my sister before even starting the search ? Well neither because what cannot be cured has to be accepted.
For you first question on why such a less number of brides (i presume bridegroom is a typo) from what i can gather there are multiple reasons,
a) Considering the Shabby treatment meted out to Brides in the 60's/70's/80's ..etc and since Bhramin community was the first one to get educated/urbanized and hence better access to those tools for sex determination/abortion this did play a role though not a major role. What i mean is that if the first Child is a girl , people did not abort but if the second was a girl in some cases parents did abort. Though this ratio is very less.
b) Second was that parents who had son thinking that they have hit a jackpot either never had another child or they had two sons. Biologically more male children generally get born than female.
c) Third parents who actually had two daughters generally were upper middle class family and hence highly educated their daughters. This meant that migration to foreign lands became more prevalent and also marrying to someone who had already settled in United States and rest.
d) Fourth around 20% to 30% of Bhramin bride marriages is love marriage from a very rough sample of marriages which attend between my immediate family and friends circle. Though it is no one prerogative to comment on life choices made by anyone the end result is that in Bhramin Birdegrooms the ratio of Arranged Vs Love marriages is very less and hence the available pool increases. Simple case of supply and demand.
e) Very rich people daughters normally get married and settle in US itself with a Bridegrrom while for their sons the would keep looking for Brides in India.
Hence to answer your query on the lack of brides , well it is not just fetus abortion but a multitude of factors listed above.
Now coming the issue of eligible bachelors for every bride , i guess we can classify brides into multiple sections. Everyone (including me) wanted/wants a bride who is fair, slim...etc , preferably an engineering graduate, family with no encumbrances ... etc. But due to points mentioned from (a) to (e) this ratio is very less/minuscule in fact (probably less than 5%). Yes one can say that Beauty is just skin deep, culture is more important ...etc these are vague terms and biology is strong factor , if not one would not see these many fairness creams in market.
Even in these cases people generally fix these alliances between family/friends and these profile does not even come to internet most of the times. In cases where these profile comes to Internet there will be at-least 10-20 very eligible (i.e. excellent family + excellent education qualifications (i.e. MS/MBA from IIM..etc) + no encumberences..etc) and chances of them accepting a BE graduate is very less indeed.
Now in next category of having reasonably good looks + reasonable qualifications there is still intense competition and in cases where they accept a BE graduate they would in some cases will come with the pointers which you had mentioned below. End of the day Good Looking (or) well educated (say BE) (or) both profiles are less due to skewed Bride Vs BrideGroom ratio and hence it needs some stoke of luck and heavy amounts of patience. It is not good but it is the reality and one needs to accept the same.
Now coming to my story when we heard of this issue of not find bride's from my cousins who were in same rat race and when we started searching the same issue was there. I am good looking , was earning around 1L per month back in 2008 itself, both dad/mom are government professionals , good amounts of property and still nothing. When i say nothing it means that not the kinds of lofty dreams which i had set for myself. The only other option was to compromise on some factors (chiefly looks) or make myself more eligible. Thankfully since i had time on my side (since i was only 26) and had family backing (i.e financial support) , i finished GRE, used my existing work experience to get into a Top 10 US university and got a piece of paper in 1.5 years. Now the tables got changed and for a change Birdes parents were interested and alliance got fixed and i got married around a year back.
Now is the piece of paper worth it ? Well i would say yes while others would say it is a waster of time and effort , that money could have invested in FD...etc. Well for each man his own.
b) Even with that i have seen unpteen no of cases where the parents of bride post for the seek of alliances in various matrimonial sites,forums,magazines just for the name sake ( to just know how much eligible bridegrooms are coming forward 15 or 20 or 25, thereby feeling very comfortable and confident that anytime they can marry thier daughter after 6 months or 1 year or 2 year or.. after 5 years)
when approached by the parents of bride they tell mundane,foolish reasons such as:
- we are seeking within a age diff of 3 years
- we want bridegroom to earn 60K and above
- our daughter is a post engg graduate(just for the degree sake??),we want bridegroom to be a post engg graduate.
- we want bridegroom to be in the same profession
- our daughter is telling now!!? to post pone alliance seek for 6 months.
- our daughter is too busy with the work !!? we have not yet talked to her
- 100% astromatch is required(not even 90%
- we are seeking from a particular sub sect only(wheres a love marraige with a non brahmin is OK)
- we have to ask our daughters bigfather, grandfather or great grandfather(who will be in his ancestral town and will take one month or .. ? to come)
- our family astrologer has gone on yatra
Then i came to the conclusion that since every eligible bride is getting 8 to 10 or 20 proposals from eligible bridegrooms, the parents of the bride or the bride herself is confused, undecisive which one to choose a sofware engr or charted accnt or govt engr or US NRI or mangement proff... etc..
They think what is the guarntee that life will be happy if any one of the above is chosen..? is it not better to to postpone temporarily..?(or indefinetly..??)
I don't really understand what the blaming is about. Please note that the Brides family is doing a favor to the Bridegroom family since they would spend on their daughters education , spend money on jwellery and marriage expenses plus any expenses after marriage. In some cases where Bride is the only daughter there is expectation (in some sections) that she would help her parents if required and it would not be a one way stream.
Also everyone here talks about good mannered , cultured, soft spoken ...etc are more important than family background or education. My question is on how exactly would one keep measuring the same ? It is not like anyone is going to come and say that his son does not have those traits. In that case when there are 500 profiles the family background , education , salary, horoscope does play a role in the final selection. It is a fact that BE now is similar to BSE of the olden years and a PG does go a long way in the search. Also some of the excuses given are just used to mention they are not interested and have better offers in hand and hence not be taken personally. So let ask you on why a prospective bride should choose you over the 50 others having the same skill sets ? Unfortunately one need to stand apart from the crowd to get noticed and trust me the crowd is huge.
And let me add that from my personal experiences , more or less Brides to find candidates who fit the requirements and the vast majority seems to be happy. What looks like mundane , foolish reasons are not so mudane , foolish from the Brides family point of view and i feel that it not anyone's prerogative to judge since they do not owe anything to anyone and it is at the end of they their daughter.
The ability to accept this and hence either one needs to come up to Brides expectations or reduce the expectations from a Bride. Change in status quo is always difficult but that is what is needed. probably one can offer to share the marriage expenses , say that a portion of the Brides salary could be given to their parents , brides parents (in case of single child) can stay with us if needed, can work after marriage/children and his parents would help share the work load and in general being more responsive to their needs. The days of expecting super woman/catwomen traits from Birdes are long gone.
Finally i keep seeing that all the members are suggesting marriage to girls from other community. Not to break the bubble but for each person his/her community is the best. Hence while they will be receptive in taking brides , not many would actually give brides to the bhramin community. Thus if one is capable he can find someone to love within his immediate surrounds but if one is looking like a Ambi then that probability is also less.
I did not post this to hurt anyone's sentiments but just to highlight the actual facts from being at the both sides of the divide so to speak and bashing of Birdes family seems to be going on to 11+ pages where one has to reliase that one one owes anything to anyone else.
