From all the posts on this topic, it appears that the reasons could be broadly grouped into these 3 categories:
- A dumphouse
- Independence
- Necessity
Let me touch upon the last point first - necessity. It may be due to the following reasons:
- Children living abroad and cannot afford to have their parents with them.
- Parents do not want to settle abroad; am assuming that the parent is also in agreement with the child in employment abroad.
In such cases, elderly people could face practical difficulties, and in india, there is no dearth of such issues. Maintenance, bills, groceries, health and a hoard of other things would keep them on their toes when they ought to be resting peacefully. Hence, even though not desirable, an old age home might prove the ideal place for them, if they choose so.
The second category is independence - Modern parents, do show, in fact, a trend to go separate once their male child has been married, citing privacy and independence (either ways). Though this looks ok at first sight, on a deeper analysis, it would prove that the lack of tolerance is the factor which drives one to seek isolation to be independent. It simply means that the family, either the son or dil or grandchildren could intrude upon the elders' privacy and independence (and vice versa). When can this happen? On a honest analysis, it would show that the members lack maturity or understanding and hence the decision. One can still be independent while living with the family and getting along with them. The key is tolerance, understanding and love.
The final category is dumping the parents - nothing to speak of here, really. It along with lack of tolerance exhibits disrespect, failure to do one's dharma and a magnified arrogance.
Of all the 3 categories, only one is genuine. The other two are shams. And unfortunately, the majority of the cases fall under the latter.
While an old age home is not exactly the right thing to happen in a society, the truth is that it cannot be wished away.
But the spurt of such old age homes is definitely a bad indication.
Regards,
P.S. I wholeheartedly agree with sapr333's view on this topic!
maybe 20 years ago , i could have written this. i would have been saptha's age (he admits to 41, i believe).
i have been further schooled 20 years, in that famous institution known as hard knocks, and have come to appreciate the fact, that many a times, one may be forced to make a decision, knowing well that it will be regretted, but offered with no choice.
not that i wish ill on anyone here. but the reality of life, is ups and guaranteed downs. it is a rare lifetime where there is only one of this phenomenon.
for most of us, life has been up, materially and along with it a self confidence, i think, that certain rules must be obeyed and norms followed, regardless. regardless of whatever.
but there comes instances, where the choice is probably between the devil and the deep blue sea.
in the case of an imaginary son here, to whom under circumstances an old age home is the only option for elderly parents.
not all of us are blessed with wives who are willing to put up with in-laws, cantankerous in their old age. many a times, it is the sins of the mouth that cause the widest chasms.
when there are siblings, not everyone pitches in.
the ultimate son or daughter, who dumps his/her parent in an old age, may be doing it with a lot of regret.
even more a responsibility, if the son or daughter is an only child.
i believe in the essential good of people. we wish to do the maximum. 'but' is a qualification, i agree, for the timid or the spineless - i agree.
how many of us have the full spine all the time?
to sail through the storm that is life, i find, that it is far better to emulate the palm tree, than the banyan. the palm can withstands the wildest of winds, bend to let these flow through, and then rise again, perhaps bent but still alive. the banyan just breaks dead.
would we call the palm tree spineless? or one with survival skills? to be alive after a crisis, and bear fruit for another time?
so too, we should look upon the severe trials that come into our life. old age is one. i am on the cusp of seniority of years. i personally believe that i should set aside to take care of myself and my spouse in our declining states.
what if i could not?
would that be a burden on my children? after all i brought them into this world. it was not of their asking.
sure enough i gave a lot, but that is the cost of birthing a human being, done willingly and with love. to expect returns, i think negates all the giving.
if it comes back, there was love. if it does, there never was. in which case, there is no use seeking after what was a figment of your imagination.
i wish to say there are no right or wrong answers for this age old, old age situation. where, to our eyes, might be a cruel act, may infact be a liberation for some.
an elderly parent might find peace and tasty food at the right times, instead of hearing the harsh words of an unsympathetic daughter in law, now given a chance to vent her years old grudge agains the greed of the boys' parents of those years.
every bad deed comes back to haunt us. the term வீட்டுக்கு வீடு வாசைப்படி, i think, was coined, with empathy in mind. i am, for one, very reluctant to point fingers of faults at others, for when i point one finger at the other, three fingers of my own, point back at me. true.
while ensuring that we ourselves follow the principles that we believe, let us not be harsh on those whom we think are blatantly casting these away to garbage. we simply don't know the whole story.
simplifying elder caring into a box of rules, classifying some good, some agreeable and most as disgusting, i think is not doing justice to an issue made complex these days of fast moving change.
many a times, these days, the children apparently wish their parents to live with them, primarily to do baby sitting, cooking and housework.
to hire a nanny, a maid and cook would be something that the children may not wish or afford. hey presto, we have mommy daddy to fall back on.
personally, i have done my share of child rearing. children are demanding task masters. grandparents, in the role of a part time care giver, at random, for a few hours, can have the best of both the worlds - pleasure of your grand children and the convenience of handing the active toddler back to those who brought him or her to this world.
i, personally think, that it would be ideal, for elders, to live close enough to their grownup children, to see them regularly. but maintain their own household for many many reasons, not mentioned above, but can be imagined by the public.
and final look at the happy scenario of three generations living together under one roof. i see them in commercials, all smiling. a few real ones, but not so many smiles.
if it should be so, an open conversation always, is of absolute importance. open discussion. open arguements. thick skin. sensitivity. ability to 'get on' with things. no grudge holding. possible. yes. guaranteed.no. atleast that is what i think so.
thank you.
