renuka
Well-known member
Bekhabar is baat se us "divorcee" ke khwabon ka anjaam toh hona bura hi tha
Toote khwabon ki is dastaan ko sabhi kehte hain Om Shanti Om
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On Finding A Match For A Brahmin Widower
- Thread starter krish44
- Start date
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Bekhabar is baat se us "divorcee" ke khwabon ka anjaam toh hona bura hi tha
Toote khwabon ki is dastaan ko sabhi kehte hain Om Shanti Om
Continuing with the topic of finding a match,Most are careless while posting a profile on a matrimonial site. They might have a genuine intent to find a match. But translating it into a meaningful profile calls for some deep thinking on what to project and what are the specs of the prospective spouse.
A simple issue of posting a photo of a girl does not receive much attention.
I saw one photo of a girl sitting on a thinnai surrounded by cloth bags stuffed with clothes and huge water drainpipe nearby .She was shoddily dressed in faded salwar
kameez. Though I liked her academic profile , the photo was a turn off. When I contacted the relations for a better photo, I got back photo of the girl in maxis with a broom nearby kept upside down with
comment these are only photos readily available. Yet I persisted and said I want a photo with girl traditionally dressed in saree, The girls relative said I could contact
the girl in other end of the country who could oblige me with a photo and sent her mob no.
Not one to give up, I tried contacting and talked with father of girl instead this time with same request. He however instead put me into horoscope match cycle[I do not care about it].
He went into it and told me there are 18 porutham [lol-I do not know what 18 poruthams mean].He after going thru the profile also simply offered his daughter
unconditionally. I was stunned. I still have not succeeded in getting a photo.But I could get a girl on a platter unconditionally.
Would anyone marry off a girl and send a girl 1500 km away on basis of horoscopes?. the girl was educated holding a decent job. She is also a tamil brahmin
who says finding a match is difficult when there are people like this in this country? . I frankly do not know what to do with this offer
A simple issue of posting a photo of a girl does not receive much attention.
I saw one photo of a girl sitting on a thinnai surrounded by cloth bags stuffed with clothes and huge water drainpipe nearby .She was shoddily dressed in faded salwar
kameez. Though I liked her academic profile , the photo was a turn off. When I contacted the relations for a better photo, I got back photo of the girl in maxis with a broom nearby kept upside down with
comment these are only photos readily available. Yet I persisted and said I want a photo with girl traditionally dressed in saree, The girls relative said I could contact
the girl in other end of the country who could oblige me with a photo and sent her mob no.
Not one to give up, I tried contacting and talked with father of girl instead this time with same request. He however instead put me into horoscope match cycle[I do not care about it].
He went into it and told me there are 18 porutham [lol-I do not know what 18 poruthams mean].He after going thru the profile also simply offered his daughter
unconditionally. I was stunned. I still have not succeeded in getting a photo.But I could get a girl on a platter unconditionally.
Would anyone marry off a girl and send a girl 1500 km away on basis of horoscopes?. the girl was educated holding a decent job. She is also a tamil brahmin
who says finding a match is difficult when there are people like this in this country? . I frankly do not know what to do with this offer
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mkrishna100
Active member
Based on the above highlighted factors I do not know whether the Maid servant in the house is being offered unconditionally rather than the daughter LOL
mkrishna100
Active member
What is more funny is that they want a good looking groom when their own picture has a pic of broom kept upside down behind them as in the case pointed in Post No: 27 LOL
Another interesting aspect in these profiles is most write about what they do not want instead of what they desire in a match.
some interesting requirements of girls...
Location preference--Only where the girls work such as chennai ,or abroad if they are south indian tamil girls . Mumbai or delhi or abroad if they are north
indian tamil girls.bangalore is acceptable to both north and south indian tamil girls.... Their parents home should not be far away if in india
If the girls are working abroad in US and canada , they prefer those boys who are already there.They also specify which visas are acceptable to them.
One palgat iyer girl in bangalore had specified that any place other than kerala, tamil nadu and hyderabad is acceptable.
Then this language thing . Those tamil girls who are not from tamilnadu invariably say that they can only speak tamil ,not read and write.many say they are
comfortable with hindi/english.
narrow specs on birth stars acceptable or mars or rahu dosha in horoscopes can deter most from going near them.
most educated working types specify -liberal ,open minded, respect for women, need to support the girls parents physically and financially as the most desirable traits/requirements in
menfolk wanting to marry them.
Added to it higher edu.qualifications, MNC jobs earning more than them are of course a must
what has become common place is the need for girls to directly talk to boys several times online and thru dating more than once to fully verify compatibility with them.
They would reluctantly say yes only if they are fully satisfied.
In this dispensation parents role is very much diminished to comparing horoscope,family status match and be other wise general spectators.
Very few boys under the circumstances qualify for marriage with such stringent specs.
Most girls after a fruitless search for the ideal boy get disgusted and opt for anyone nearby from any community or religion in their workplace or nearby they are
comfortable with . this total disgust and exercising what is easily available option is exercised after several years of bridegroom hunting in many cases.
in many cases finalising a match is 8 to 12 years project from 25 to 37 years. after that the mad scramble to not miss the marriage bus with anyone available.lol
some interesting requirements of girls...
Location preference--Only where the girls work such as chennai ,or abroad if they are south indian tamil girls . Mumbai or delhi or abroad if they are north
indian tamil girls.bangalore is acceptable to both north and south indian tamil girls.... Their parents home should not be far away if in india
If the girls are working abroad in US and canada , they prefer those boys who are already there.They also specify which visas are acceptable to them.
One palgat iyer girl in bangalore had specified that any place other than kerala, tamil nadu and hyderabad is acceptable.
Then this language thing . Those tamil girls who are not from tamilnadu invariably say that they can only speak tamil ,not read and write.many say they are
comfortable with hindi/english.
narrow specs on birth stars acceptable or mars or rahu dosha in horoscopes can deter most from going near them.
most educated working types specify -liberal ,open minded, respect for women, need to support the girls parents physically and financially as the most desirable traits/requirements in
menfolk wanting to marry them.
Added to it higher edu.qualifications, MNC jobs earning more than them are of course a must
what has become common place is the need for girls to directly talk to boys several times online and thru dating more than once to fully verify compatibility with them.
They would reluctantly say yes only if they are fully satisfied.
In this dispensation parents role is very much diminished to comparing horoscope,family status match and be other wise general spectators.
Very few boys under the circumstances qualify for marriage with such stringent specs.
Most girls after a fruitless search for the ideal boy get disgusted and opt for anyone nearby from any community or religion in their workplace or nearby they are
comfortable with . this total disgust and exercising what is easily available option is exercised after several years of bridegroom hunting in many cases.
in many cases finalising a match is 8 to 12 years project from 25 to 37 years. after that the mad scramble to not miss the marriage bus with anyone available.lol
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Dear Tbsji
The status of boys in marriage market is greatly devalued.
In fact their condition is pathetic if they are in thirties and early forties .
The mediocre one in terms of education and salaries in india and the highly qualified types abroad are definitely facing a crisis .
One often finds that mediocre ones are on offer with freebies such as flats in the name of the boy, cars and no dowry declarations. There is a correlation between
mediocrity and looks. Their photos indicate that they have greying hair ,loss of hair at the front,pot bellies. Foreign types are at pain to explain that they are tee
totallers and are not on drugs. They also declare ,they belong to families of pucca brahmins observing all rituals,going to temples etc.
Being in foreign country puts them at a disadvantage. Their market is limited .Only the local girls or girls wanting an entry to US/canada from india might opt for
them.
These days girls are educated enough to find jobs or go for higher studies abroad without a foreign enabler.The big four in IT in india give girls postings abroad. so
they are
no longer need to depend on an obliging boy abroad.
Boys abroad are now getting bolder trying to find matches from all indian communities and do not also do not mind marrying mexicans or other not so well off white
skins. I am amazed at the break up of indian marriages abroad. Hundreds of indian brahmin girls have opted for separation leaving indian boys high and dry.
the mediocre boys in india in call centre ,data entry or such jobs are not accepted by girls who are moderately educated upto school level.Every girl knowing that
demography [about eight hundred plus girls to 1000 boys] is in their favour.
In india break ups are far less though it is happening faster than before.The disadvantage is our law courts are not fast enough in granting divorces. Lot of youngsters
are in trishangku state awaiting divorces.
In recent weddings I went every senior citizen had a personal sob story about their boys not finding matches -ages from 31-43 .it is sad.
The status of boys in marriage market is greatly devalued.
In fact their condition is pathetic if they are in thirties and early forties .
The mediocre one in terms of education and salaries in india and the highly qualified types abroad are definitely facing a crisis .
One often finds that mediocre ones are on offer with freebies such as flats in the name of the boy, cars and no dowry declarations. There is a correlation between
mediocrity and looks. Their photos indicate that they have greying hair ,loss of hair at the front,pot bellies. Foreign types are at pain to explain that they are tee
totallers and are not on drugs. They also declare ,they belong to families of pucca brahmins observing all rituals,going to temples etc.
Being in foreign country puts them at a disadvantage. Their market is limited .Only the local girls or girls wanting an entry to US/canada from india might opt for
them.
These days girls are educated enough to find jobs or go for higher studies abroad without a foreign enabler.The big four in IT in india give girls postings abroad. so
they are
no longer need to depend on an obliging boy abroad.
Boys abroad are now getting bolder trying to find matches from all indian communities and do not also do not mind marrying mexicans or other not so well off white
skins. I am amazed at the break up of indian marriages abroad. Hundreds of indian brahmin girls have opted for separation leaving indian boys high and dry.
the mediocre boys in india in call centre ,data entry or such jobs are not accepted by girls who are moderately educated upto school level.Every girl knowing that
demography [about eight hundred plus girls to 1000 boys] is in their favour.
In india break ups are far less though it is happening faster than before.The disadvantage is our law courts are not fast enough in granting divorces. Lot of youngsters
are in trishangku state awaiting divorces.
In recent weddings I went every senior citizen had a personal sob story about their boys not finding matches -ages from 31-43 .it is sad.
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what makes me wonder is with so many self imposed requirements and conditions , why do both boys and girls endlessly wait for that dream alliance?
I frankly think with some minor compromises all can easily get matches.
It is my experience that in tamil brahmin community one can easily get married jn three to four months if they realise both boys and girls have some plus and minuses,
one can hold on to essential requirements [a small subset of the total] and take the best out of the available at any point of time
there is nothing like a perfect match.
It happens after marriage,that both parties boy and girl compromise on day to day basis to make marriage work.
That they can do also before marriage to get a mate and take a slightly imperfect one and mould the person to suit ones requirement.
All the time rejecting a possible alliance on flimsy reasons putting impossible conditions is only increasing human misery .It is just an immature response to ground
realities of availability of plenty slightly imperfect and non availability of the perfect match
I frankly think with some minor compromises all can easily get matches.
It is my experience that in tamil brahmin community one can easily get married jn three to four months if they realise both boys and girls have some plus and minuses,
one can hold on to essential requirements [a small subset of the total] and take the best out of the available at any point of time
there is nothing like a perfect match.
It happens after marriage,that both parties boy and girl compromise on day to day basis to make marriage work.
That they can do also before marriage to get a mate and take a slightly imperfect one and mould the person to suit ones requirement.
All the time rejecting a possible alliance on flimsy reasons putting impossible conditions is only increasing human misery .It is just an immature response to ground
realities of availability of plenty slightly imperfect and non availability of the perfect match
Krishji you speak from a point of experience.Note that most people of marriageable age are young, immature and inexperienced. You know how to achieve a working marriage. Most young people do not. Their parents also do not train them.
All youngsters have been sold a fairy tale by both Hollywood and Indian movies. Everybody expects a prince and princess and a long fun period of courtship. And after that they expect to live happily every after (magically). There is a myth of "the one" that there is one right person waiting for each individual to get married to.
All youngsters have been sold a fairy tale by both Hollywood and Indian movies. Everybody expects a prince and princess and a long fun period of courtship. And after that they expect to live happily every after (magically). There is a myth of "the one" that there is one right person waiting for each individual to get married to.
Dream mates and marriages mostly turn out to be disasters and nightmarish when faced with realities of day to day living .
the fairies /prince charming turn out to be witches /demons when they confronted with fulfilling the needs and facing the pressures of modern living.
These days tolerance and giving space to mates has greatly reduced . there is very little room to accomodate ones spouse leave alone extended families such as
parents of either boy or girl. due to non availability of time and desire of both boys and girls to make more money in high paying jobs leaves very little to be shared
with each other. most run from crisis to crisis -physically and emotionally drained out to have any feelings for each other.
Separation due to work in different cities or due to lack of adjustment with each other is leading to institution of marriage is losing its sanctity. most continue in it due to lack of
alternative lifestyle which would be acceptable to society at large. many -specially who walk out of marriage find it very difficult to carry on in india as there is a
stigma attached to it - not that it deters these too much.These bravely carry on looking for an alternative dream match .lol
the fairies /prince charming turn out to be witches /demons when they confronted with fulfilling the needs and facing the pressures of modern living.
These days tolerance and giving space to mates has greatly reduced . there is very little room to accomodate ones spouse leave alone extended families such as
parents of either boy or girl. due to non availability of time and desire of both boys and girls to make more money in high paying jobs leaves very little to be shared
with each other. most run from crisis to crisis -physically and emotionally drained out to have any feelings for each other.
Separation due to work in different cities or due to lack of adjustment with each other is leading to institution of marriage is losing its sanctity. most continue in it due to lack of
alternative lifestyle which would be acceptable to society at large. many -specially who walk out of marriage find it very difficult to carry on in india as there is a
stigma attached to it - not that it deters these too much.These bravely carry on looking for an alternative dream match .lol
renuka
Well-known member
True...its a myth that 'the one' exists...the truth is there are multiple "the ones".
Life was never meant to be monogamous/monoandrous...its just that the multiple "the ones" show up at different stages of our lives...and keeping everyone happy is the key to 'they all lived happily ever after"
If one seeks and waits for 'the one" in an Ekam Advaitam manner.. he/she only lives "Happily Never After'!LOL
When it comes to Lovvu kindly dont apply the philosophy of Advaita! Choose some other philosophy..there is more "Bhava and Bhakti" in Dualism!LOL
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R
It requires a lot of faith in human being of other sex after a not too good experience with one.
it could be regarded as triumph of optimism .
most get drained of positive feelings after one disaster.
Not many can hit sixers in second innings after failing in first innings.lol
It requires a lot of faith in human being of other sex after a not too good experience with one.
it could be regarded as triumph of optimism .
most get drained of positive feelings after one disaster.
Not many can hit sixers in second innings after failing in first innings.lol
In the 1950s and 60s girls who were widowed could not even consider re marriage. It was simply accepted by all concerned that she will move to her parents house and will be cared for by parents or brothers. Time has changed. It is now the fate v of widowers to suffer. While we can feel sorry for the gentleman present day conditions are against him.
VM
No need to feel sorry.
It might be for all we know easier for a widower than an unmarried male to get married again. Does it sound surprising?
If widowers are trying for divorced or widowed types , the population of these is pretty large.
Secondly, These girls are mature and clear about what they do or do not want.
Most of these do not care for horoscope match or stars or dosha -a big hurdle removed.
Only these girls are more practical and worry about their job dislocation if the boy is from another city/country, acceptance of her/his kid incase they have any .
some would like to make it clear that they would like to have further kids with the person they marry even if the person has a kid from earlier marriage
Most of them would like to decide themselves and not take the chance of leaving it to parents after their past experiences and would like several discussions and
meetings before they jump into marriage bond again. I suppose they should be shivering deep inside at the prospect of going on with it again. Once bitten ,one tries to be careful . I can understand that.
So the terms of engagement are very clear for man to decide if he wants to opt for them or not.
also their engagement/marriage are likely to be simple affairs after their past experience of marriage and separation.
I will inform you when I succeed in finalising the marriage of this widower.
I have taken it as a challenge to my capabilities as a match maker.lol
No need to feel sorry.
It might be for all we know easier for a widower than an unmarried male to get married again. Does it sound surprising?
If widowers are trying for divorced or widowed types , the population of these is pretty large.
Secondly, These girls are mature and clear about what they do or do not want.
Most of these do not care for horoscope match or stars or dosha -a big hurdle removed.
Only these girls are more practical and worry about their job dislocation if the boy is from another city/country, acceptance of her/his kid incase they have any .
some would like to make it clear that they would like to have further kids with the person they marry even if the person has a kid from earlier marriage
Most of them would like to decide themselves and not take the chance of leaving it to parents after their past experiences and would like several discussions and
meetings before they jump into marriage bond again. I suppose they should be shivering deep inside at the prospect of going on with it again. Once bitten ,one tries to be careful . I can understand that.
So the terms of engagement are very clear for man to decide if he wants to opt for them or not.
also their engagement/marriage are likely to be simple affairs after their past experience of marriage and separation.
I will inform you when I succeed in finalising the marriage of this widower.
I have taken it as a challenge to my capabilities as a match maker.lol
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What I am noticing is the % failures in IC & IR marriages involving a Brahmin girl! It is close to 50%..The best thing the girls can do is to get out of such marriages and go for a Brahmin boy who is widowed or aged....This could be a win-win for both...This involves breaking shackles!
I hope you succeed . My best wishes
Brahmin boys involved in divorce cases with brahmin girls are less in number. They do also happen
also IC/IR marriage break ups get more publiicity among families and friend circles.
you are of course right , the pressures that IR/IC couple face after marriage is far more than marriage within community.
in arranged marriages within the community , parents help in ensuring that couple stay together . in IC/IR marriages they feel secretly happy that marriages are not
working out. In india it is difficult to manage without family support absorbing the pressures of urban living. Most brahmins find it difficult to accept person belonging to
other castes ,religion as part of their family
Thanks.
Many times those who try persistently succeed in getting what they want.
I have seen that by simply bonding and reaching out to people one can succeed and achieve what one sets out to do.
renuka
Well-known member
????
I dont get it here....first a girl tries IC/IR marriages....then if it is heading towards failure..she is supposed to get out of it and then try to get married to a TB widower or divorcee...has anyone thought of the kids of the TB girl?
Would the TB male divorcee/widower be so open minded as to love her IC/IR child as his own?
Instead of getting out of a marriage of any kind so soon...why dont people learn to identify the problems and work it out...I feel in India everyone wants to project their identity too strongly and no amalgamation takes place.
Recently a person from India whom I know was telling me that if I ever come to Chennai to inform his family cos he is well connected to a particular well known saree shop and he could get me the required discounts.
So I asked him "are you related to the owner of the shop"
He said "No No..the owner and I are not the same caste...its just that we are family friends"
I was thinking "why drag in caste here...a simple No would have done for an answer" but I did not tell him what I was thinking cos he was with a Non Indian person at that time..so I did not want a Non Indian to get into a caste discussion and let them know the weakness of a disunited Hindu thinking.
R
This caste thing.Ugh
Irrespective of caste , a male widower /divorcee with a kid/no kid normally does not accept a girl with a kid irrespective of caste. It is the male mindset more
than caste.yet he would expect the girl to accept his kid thru someone else.
equally interesting is off springs of B-NB match do not get a brahmin match if father is NB . But if mother is NB and father is B , the off spring can get a brahmin
match. It is a patriarchal system. the child gets the caste of father and not mother.
Brahmins like to be exclusive. In the event of IC/IR match in family , most if at all they accept, it is a reluctant yes.mostly , the non brahmin entrant into the family
does not get the same treatment as others . they mostly are made to feel uncomfortable and kept away from many functions/rituals exclusive for brahmins only
Caste identity takes precedence over marital happiness. Not many help IC/IR matches tide over marital crisis, They suffer alone. Sad but true.
In a recent family wedding , we had a youngster a relation belonging to another religion [ a medical doctor] who was part of extended family.Father non hindu,mother
iyengar . Though all wanted him at the wedding as a doctor in attendance as we had many very senior citizens, some wondered if it was wise to have invited him to
the wedding. Even the hotel where we stayed, the reception wanted to know if the boy was part of the wedding group.lol
This is how we function.Even after 30 years of inter religion wedding , off springs do not get positive welcome.
This caste thing.Ugh
Irrespective of caste , a male widower /divorcee with a kid/no kid normally does not accept a girl with a kid irrespective of caste. It is the male mindset more
than caste.yet he would expect the girl to accept his kid thru someone else.
equally interesting is off springs of B-NB match do not get a brahmin match if father is NB . But if mother is NB and father is B , the off spring can get a brahmin
match. It is a patriarchal system. the child gets the caste of father and not mother.
Brahmins like to be exclusive. In the event of IC/IR match in family , most if at all they accept, it is a reluctant yes.mostly , the non brahmin entrant into the family
does not get the same treatment as others . they mostly are made to feel uncomfortable and kept away from many functions/rituals exclusive for brahmins only
Caste identity takes precedence over marital happiness. Not many help IC/IR matches tide over marital crisis, They suffer alone. Sad but true.
In a recent family wedding , we had a youngster a relation belonging to another religion [ a medical doctor] who was part of extended family.Father non hindu,mother
iyengar . Though all wanted him at the wedding as a doctor in attendance as we had many very senior citizens, some wondered if it was wise to have invited him to
the wedding. Even the hotel where we stayed, the reception wanted to know if the boy was part of the wedding group.lol
This is how we function.Even after 30 years of inter religion wedding , off springs do not get positive welcome.
tbs
0
hi
i agreed...its true....we can talk a lot abt against casteism/racism....but still ..its in our DNA....
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