S
sudeshwer
Guest
I find number of TB forum members are from USA or on and on living there. I wish to start this debate to find different experience:
Elderly Indian Immigrants
Our children go to US Universities for higher education, at a young age of around 20. After overcoming the initial cultural sock and home sickness, they start integrating themselves with American way of life. They pick accent while talking, adopt American vocabulary, dress like American kids and so on. Within a short period, they decide that they do not want to return to India after graduation and they want to make a carrier in America.
Some other young Indians go to America on H1B visa, seeking jobs in American companies. They too go through the stages described above, but the stages are shorter and they get their bearings faster.
Parents of all these children are reconciled, thinking that their children are heading for a better life. This is what they have always strived for (better life for their children).
Once they are well anchored in their job, they marry the girl settled in America but known to them since their school or college days, or with a girl they have come across in their job or with the girl selected by their parents in India and approved by them. In most cases, girls too have a job, making the couple financially very happy. They purchase a good house and two cars and start a happy life.
They remain in touch with their parents and other friends and relatives trough e-mail, telephone and periodic visits to India. Their parents and siblings also visit America for brief period and feel very happy to see the effluence of America and living standard of their children.
The life moves on. Now they decide to have their own children. They think that if children are born in America, they will become American citizens by default. Good idea, but for a few days they will need full time help to run their house and help the new mother. Parents or parents-in-laws willingly agree to go to America for six months or so, to help them.
Now the problems start. If both parents are working, the life is very tough, for both the parents as well as children. Demanding schools with tough rules, dropping the kids to school (which is seldom in the same direction as their job), arranging with someone to pick up the kids from the school and keep them at baby sitter’s place and pick them up in the evening. Oh! It is tough job. What about cooking and helping children with their home work, both simultaneously?
Back in India, their parents are growing old. Grownup children naturally worry about them. Now that they are retired, why not they come to America and we become a nice big joint family? Good idea again. What is missing is that there is very little experience of living in joint family on both the sides. No doubt, parents have some past experience of living with their parents in a joint family, which gives them some enthusiasm of living again in joint family.
They arrive in America with lots of dream, like playing with grand children, being taken care of by son and daughter-in-law and so on. Initially they devote themselves to their grandchildren, picking them up from school and ferrying them to garden etc., and thinking they would be so happy in this country with big houses, the food, the cars, and above all son and daughter-in-law. They get impressed with big houses, two cars, lawns and well maintained trees, huge open spaces, wide clean and smooth roads, huge retail stores like Wall Mart-K Mart etc., huge malls, huge well maintained gardens and what not?
Within a short time, the reality dawn upon them. They don’t speak English and whatever little English they know is not enough to understand American accents. They do not drive, they can’t go anywhere themselves. They can only go out when their children take them out. Very few Indian TV channels are available, since they are very costly. It takes time to get acquainted with American news channels and news papers. When children are at home, they want to see cartoons, so TV is not free for you. After a long working day their son and daughter-in-law want their privacy. They discover that in the changed family dynamics older members have no voice in decision-making, whether about buying something or in any other domestic matter.
Many who have come here to join their grown children, had fulfilling lives, back home; but life in this country is not smooth on emotional terrain, they often feel that they are living under their children’s roof, not in their own house. In India there is a favourable bias toward the elders, here people think about what is convenient and inconvenient for them. They find their children have become bicultural through universities and work places.
They left familiar homes, some even though smaller in sizes, with shortage of electricity or running water; for modern houses in communities in US towns, relying on their children. They came anticipating a great deal of family togetherness. Unfortunately American society isn’t organized in a way that responds to their cultural expectations.
Young couples who need to work to support families, think grandparents are happy to do baby-sitting. There is a misguided assumption that baby-sitting is sustenance enough for the aging. They forget that aged people are also social beings. How much can they talk to their grandchildren? They need to talk to their son, their daughter-in-law and make their own friends.
In India, they would walk to the grocery store, go to next door neighbour to have tea, talk about common things like the wheat prices and so on. The visiting culture is missed by many immigrant elders. Back home anyone can knock on the door anytime, to relieve the pressure. Here nothing is similar.
Their problems go unnoticed because they often do not talk about it. The problems are very personal, and within the family. Gradually their mouths get sealed. That is why they become happy when they meet people of their age, at some public place like garden where they can open their mouth; they know that these people will understand what they say.
Is there any solution to the problems of these elderly immigrants? If you can think of one, write on some blog.
It is not necessary that my assessment of the situation is accurate. There may be several infirmities, please do not hesitate to differ or criticize.
Elderly Indian Immigrants
Our children go to US Universities for higher education, at a young age of around 20. After overcoming the initial cultural sock and home sickness, they start integrating themselves with American way of life. They pick accent while talking, adopt American vocabulary, dress like American kids and so on. Within a short period, they decide that they do not want to return to India after graduation and they want to make a carrier in America.
Some other young Indians go to America on H1B visa, seeking jobs in American companies. They too go through the stages described above, but the stages are shorter and they get their bearings faster.
Parents of all these children are reconciled, thinking that their children are heading for a better life. This is what they have always strived for (better life for their children).
Once they are well anchored in their job, they marry the girl settled in America but known to them since their school or college days, or with a girl they have come across in their job or with the girl selected by their parents in India and approved by them. In most cases, girls too have a job, making the couple financially very happy. They purchase a good house and two cars and start a happy life.
They remain in touch with their parents and other friends and relatives trough e-mail, telephone and periodic visits to India. Their parents and siblings also visit America for brief period and feel very happy to see the effluence of America and living standard of their children.
The life moves on. Now they decide to have their own children. They think that if children are born in America, they will become American citizens by default. Good idea, but for a few days they will need full time help to run their house and help the new mother. Parents or parents-in-laws willingly agree to go to America for six months or so, to help them.
Now the problems start. If both parents are working, the life is very tough, for both the parents as well as children. Demanding schools with tough rules, dropping the kids to school (which is seldom in the same direction as their job), arranging with someone to pick up the kids from the school and keep them at baby sitter’s place and pick them up in the evening. Oh! It is tough job. What about cooking and helping children with their home work, both simultaneously?
Back in India, their parents are growing old. Grownup children naturally worry about them. Now that they are retired, why not they come to America and we become a nice big joint family? Good idea again. What is missing is that there is very little experience of living in joint family on both the sides. No doubt, parents have some past experience of living with their parents in a joint family, which gives them some enthusiasm of living again in joint family.
They arrive in America with lots of dream, like playing with grand children, being taken care of by son and daughter-in-law and so on. Initially they devote themselves to their grandchildren, picking them up from school and ferrying them to garden etc., and thinking they would be so happy in this country with big houses, the food, the cars, and above all son and daughter-in-law. They get impressed with big houses, two cars, lawns and well maintained trees, huge open spaces, wide clean and smooth roads, huge retail stores like Wall Mart-K Mart etc., huge malls, huge well maintained gardens and what not?
Within a short time, the reality dawn upon them. They don’t speak English and whatever little English they know is not enough to understand American accents. They do not drive, they can’t go anywhere themselves. They can only go out when their children take them out. Very few Indian TV channels are available, since they are very costly. It takes time to get acquainted with American news channels and news papers. When children are at home, they want to see cartoons, so TV is not free for you. After a long working day their son and daughter-in-law want their privacy. They discover that in the changed family dynamics older members have no voice in decision-making, whether about buying something or in any other domestic matter.
Many who have come here to join their grown children, had fulfilling lives, back home; but life in this country is not smooth on emotional terrain, they often feel that they are living under their children’s roof, not in their own house. In India there is a favourable bias toward the elders, here people think about what is convenient and inconvenient for them. They find their children have become bicultural through universities and work places.
They left familiar homes, some even though smaller in sizes, with shortage of electricity or running water; for modern houses in communities in US towns, relying on their children. They came anticipating a great deal of family togetherness. Unfortunately American society isn’t organized in a way that responds to their cultural expectations.
Young couples who need to work to support families, think grandparents are happy to do baby-sitting. There is a misguided assumption that baby-sitting is sustenance enough for the aging. They forget that aged people are also social beings. How much can they talk to their grandchildren? They need to talk to their son, their daughter-in-law and make their own friends.
In India, they would walk to the grocery store, go to next door neighbour to have tea, talk about common things like the wheat prices and so on. The visiting culture is missed by many immigrant elders. Back home anyone can knock on the door anytime, to relieve the pressure. Here nothing is similar.
Their problems go unnoticed because they often do not talk about it. The problems are very personal, and within the family. Gradually their mouths get sealed. That is why they become happy when they meet people of their age, at some public place like garden where they can open their mouth; they know that these people will understand what they say.
Is there any solution to the problems of these elderly immigrants? If you can think of one, write on some blog.
It is not necessary that my assessment of the situation is accurate. There may be several infirmities, please do not hesitate to differ or criticize.
