Today's young Girls and their mothers Behaviour during girl's alliance

[jaichand]

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Today there are no of Girls are less for Marriage and more of Boys. past 2 years most of the Boys's parents are facing hardship in getting married to their son's. The way in which Girl's mother behaves sending shock ways.girls does not want Mamaiyar nor mamanar with them after marriage. Boy should come back from US or UK within 2 years. or does not want a US settled boys at all.

1. One girl's mothers has put a question to my Friend when he spoke over ph for alliance for his Son, where will Boys mother and Father settle after marriage, my Friend replied , how many son you hae she replied one son and one daughter, Son married with them only is the naswer, and my replied same and had put down the ph.

My request is to girls and their mothers please do not wag with your tongue like this. It hurts a lot.Rest in next

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

I know many mothers of eligible girls talk through their hats. :rant:

But your post is NOT LESS CONFUSING to me sir! :dizzy:

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

WOW! I am seeing the second veteran newbie in the past 2 and 1/2 years.

 

[sangom]

Today there are no of Girls are less for Marriage and more of Boys. past 2 years most of the Boys's parents are facing hardship in getting married to their son's. The way in which Girl's mother behaves sending shock ways.girls does not want Mamaiyar nor mamanar with them after marriage. Boy should come back from US or UK within 2 years. or does not want a US settled boys at all.

1. One girl's mothers has put a question to my Friend when he spoke over ph for alliance for his Son, where will Boys mother and Father settle after marriage, my Friend replied , how many son you hae she replied one son and one daughter, Son married with them only is the naswer, and my replied same and had put down the ph.

My request is to girls and their mothers please do not wag with your tongue like this. It hurts a lot.Rest in next

Shri Jaichandji,

I know that you know that for quite some time now, the number of girls eligible for first-time marriage (I am excluding divorcee remarriages, by saying so) has become smaller and smaller whereas the number of boys looking for a bride has been increasing. Marriage is a sort of a market and when the supply of one item reduces but demand for it goes up, that item commands higher price as time goes. In the case of girls in the marriage market, this price increase does not necessarily show up as a sum of money to be paid to the girl/girl's parents but in the form of the boy and his parents behaving subservient to the girl's.

But since thee had been some "boy-supremacy" for about 100 or 150 years (possibly spanning 6 or 7 generations) we, especially the tabras have taken for granted that society will continue to behave in the same fashion, for ever.

Mahamahopadhyaya Dr. U. Ve. Swaminathayyar in his autobiography has clearly stated that during his father's youth, the paents of eligible boys used to be worried that their son had not got married, go in search of suitable girls and, if they (the boy's parents) were poor and could not meet the marriage expenses, seek financial help from Zamindars and other rich persons. In fact Ayyar's father's marriage was conducted in that fashion, as per his words.

Today we do not have to find out the money for the marriage expenses. But since it has become a custom to celebrate marriages in a very excessively lavish fashion, the boy's side has also to spend correspondingly lavishly. And since women have become emancipated and empowered, earn as well or even better than the boys do, and are capable of taking up almost any job, etc., there is an unspoken desire that the boy (husband) live according to the wishes of the girl (wife) and her parents.

I don't think it will be easy for us, in the prsent times, to go against this force. So, parents of boys have themselves to first become aware of this societal change and also bring up their sons in an atmosphere at home in which they will still have the old male supremacy or male chauvinism.

How parents of girls who also have sons will behave is not very different. They will enjoy the upper hand in their daughters' marriages but will have to become meeker when it comes to their sons' marriages; or else they should finalize interchange of girl and boy (பையன் கொடுத்துப் பையன் வாங்கல்).

 

[jaisiyaraam]

Namaste jaichandji,

...The way in which Girl's mother behaves sending shock ways...My request is to girls and their mothers please do not wag with your tongue like this. It hurts a lot...

All girls or their parents (mother ?) dont misbehave, some are bad apples. Its not good to generalize especially the negative aspects, for our own well-being we need to keep positive outlook, otherwise we will end up doubtful & paranoid.

Marriage institution is part of human (societal ? cultural ? religious ?) evolution, I guess, in coming years (generations ?) we will be done with marriage completely.
I am not equating marriage with love (companionship ?) because it is natural (God given ? in our genes ?) so love (companionship ?) will continue.
Love (companionship ?) existed long before marriage institution dawned upon "cultured" human beings.

Moreover, no one is putting knife on a boy (groom ?) to seek for a girl (marriage ?) so its in our own good to stay away from such people (girl ? girl's parents-mother ?). We all have choice (free will ?).

One who has belief (interest ?) in marriage (institution ?) should be patient enough to find the right girl (parents-mother ?) or should be optimistic (hardworking ?) enough to make a marriage work.
I strongly believe that no man-woman is 100% (not even 40%) compatible with each other (God made pair? Ek Duuje Ke Liye?), marriage is a everyday work/effort (love ?)

Moreover, one that believes in marriage (institution ?) should not get discouraged with bad apples (girls ? parents-mother ?) and should patiently wait for the right (loving ? compatible ?) girl (parents-mother ?)

Thanks,
Jai SiyaRaam

 

[padders]

Boys and girls are equals

I totally agree with what Shri Sangom and Shri jaisiyaram say. Nowadays boys and girls are equals. No one is superior to the other.
Being a woman,I am really glad that the tables have turned against male chauvinism. And yes, I have an adult son and an adult daughter,and do not believe in differentiating between the two.

 

[P.J.]

TB boys are very poor in Wooing Girls too although i do not recommend that!!
My brother in law's two sons and many of my relatives sons are waiting for more than 4-6 years for suitable alliance.
Some of the demands by Girl's side is most unreasonable, do not know how long this trend will last!

 

[XLR8R]

Today there are no of Girls are less for Marriage and more of Boys

That is a non issue, as only the poorest strata of society are really affected by this. The man who struggles for his daily bread does not even think about marriage (how will he provide sustenance for the wife?).For the rest of us, there are enough girls. Start looking harder.

or does not want a US settled boys at all.

Are you kidding me? A lot of girls I know today (especially TBs) are just waiting for a nice free ticket to solve all their problems!

My request is to girls and their mothers please do not wag with your tongue like this. It hurts a lot.

Well, you can't change people that easily. I think it is better that the discussion be confined to the boy and the girl and then bring parents into it later.

Marriage is a sort of a market

It is not, our society has made it into one. It is a mockery of women's rights, independence and accomplishments, when in the end, they themselves are conditioned to "sell" themselves like this and also believe they are magically more mature and need a richer man to protect their rights. A sane person should reject all this, but since there are cultural affiliations to consider, arranged marriage survives today. Luckily for me, a man who mostly eats just roti and rice doesn't really have a problem adjusting anywhere.

there is an unspoken desire that the boy (husband) live according to the wishes of the girl (wife) and her parents.

The basic and key tenet of any relationship is to adjust, adapt and change. Adaptation should go both ways as well. If it skews towards any one side, the relationship is less than idea.

also bring up their sons in an atmosphere at home in which they will still have the old male supremacy or male chauvinism.

Yeah right, thus feeding an endless cycle of a flawed system. It takes a few sacrifices to prove a point: Man up! Boys and girls have to be both raised in a way that they do not take the opposite sex for granted.Just the other day, I recall having a discussion with a 30-year old unmarried TB woman about her intent to get married soon. I discussed the gothrams, the cultural link (Tanjavur, the boy she was looking at was Palakkad Iyer) and other things (even the kundali, etc. though I'm not sure you call it a kundali). She was unhappy with the prospective groom's job, as he was always travelling here and there, and she had a steady job at Bangalore. So she didn't consider it ideal. I suggested to broaden the horizons and also start looking for boys say 1 to 3 years younger as surely there will be more unmarried younger men and many of them will have a steady job that she was looking for. She immediately scorned this idea saying there are maturity differences. That was when I had to remind her that she was speaking all this with a man 10 years younger than herself (I am 21 as of yesterday) and that maturity has nothing to do with your birth or gender but forms as a result of your experiences in life. She was still unable to accept the thought and continues looking for an older TB man and is still mulling that one prospective groom.You see, this problem of expectations goes both ways. In a relationship, both have to adapt, understand and adjust. When this is not there, there is no point marrying. If I wanted a caretaker, I can get one easily, if I have enough money.Male ego, female ego - it all needs to be thrown out the dustbin when the numbers are so low to begin with!

Some of the demands by Girl's side is most unreasonable, do not know how long this trend will last!

The demands are unreasonable, because they know they are in a position of power and that they are less in number. When the day dawns upon them that boys will summarily reject them for this (which, I suggest boys do) and not bat an eye in going for a NB girl or non-Tamil Brahmin girl, they will change very fast.The problem is, you are raising the girls to feel protected and special. You need to raise them to respect and understand equality and independence instead

TB boys are very poor in Wooing Girls too although i do not recommend that!!

I think that has a lot to do with their upbringing. I am an Iyer officially, but nothing about my TB identity is immediately apparent to the outside observer. I fit well into society in North as well as South India and never had to face any problems anywhere. Needless to say that I am not bad at "applying the butter", but wooing is not needed when there is mutual understanding

 

[Anand Manohar]

Paddu Sir

Your post # 6

I suggest you read [ if you have not already done so ] Sidin Vadukut's " Travails of South Indian Men "
- TB men too fall under the category - will make you laugh and nod in agreement.

I had earlier posted an extract, I'll see if I can find it - but you can find it in his blog.

Guruvethunai
Yay Yem

 

[suraju06]

Dear jaichand,

It would be quite interesting to know what will be the reply of the boy's parents if the girl says her parents would move in with her once the marriage is over. If the parents of the boy come across such harmless demands from the girl in a few cases, they would become wise and would ask this question to the girl's parents first.

We feel the pain only when the shoe in our foot bites.

Cheers.

 

[Raji Ram]

What goes up should come down! The time is over when the groom wanted the 'best' bride and rejected many girls.

Now the 'bride' wants the best 'groom' on earth! I agree that many parents of girls talk in an arrogant manner to others.

What I find is that matrimony sites are now matriMONEY sites! opcorn: Search is on and on and on by paying them..... :spy:

 

[Anand Manohar]

Tmt RR

Your post # 9

True, I agree with you on this count. But what about the ulterior motives of the Parents of
girls earning well and doing well in their careers ?

I know at least three such cases, wherein the 'stiff' conditions put up by the girls' parents just kept
repelling prospective grooms. Gradually these girls grew up to become " left-overs " in society further on
to get past their " best before" dates.

They are now old hags, kinky, rude and abusive - to be shunned like psychos. Certain natural processes and
yearnings have been left unfulfilled, both physiologically and psychologically because and only because of their
parents' financial insecurity. Parents now, passed-by with time.

They have nothing to look back at with pride and nothing to look forward to with hope. All that they are confined to
is a [horribly maintained] apartment, a TV that is on 24 hours, wall clocks that don't work and a few horribly
kept pets. From the kitchen to their bathrooms everything is in a mess - as is their lives.

Somehow, their parents never got the 'best groom' for them - so much for parental interference !

Guruvethunai
Yay Yem

 

[C RAVI]

Tmt RR

Your post # 9

True, I agree with you on this count. But what about the ulterior motives of the Parents of
girls earning well and doing well in their careers ?

I know at least three such cases, wherein the 'stiff' conditions put up by the girls' parents just kept
repelling prospective grooms. Gradually these girls grew up to become " left-overs " in society further on
to get past their " best before" dates.

They are now old hags, kinky, rude and abusive - to be shunned like psychos.

Shri AM,


Very true!!!!

I have first hand experience of knowing this by my interaction with a girl. I am not sure if her parents are commanding her OR only the girl is determined to meet her check list OR if both her parents and herself in unison are into it.

As for as personal choice of an individual is concerned, I have nothing to say against it. One's choice of living is one's right and there is nothing to comment on it.

BUT, my only highlight here is, the tendencies in 30+ single girls are very much like how you have stated above, highlighted by me in Bold.

Where as, single guys of 30+ age mostly never turns out to be bitter and develop rude and abusive tendencies. They get more casual and more jovial as they grow old as an unmarried person.

This is just as much as I could observe and are my personal opinion only.

 

[Raji Ram]

.............. Somehow, their parents never got the 'best groom' for them - so much for parental interference !

Dear A M Sir,

Better if you say 'mother's interference'! Can you guess why I say so? Today, I got two very curt replies from prospective brides' mothers,

when I started to talk about Ram's nephew who is a 6' 5" tall handsome guy! He is rejected for his height! Fathers rarely talk!! :tape:

I am expecting a huge group of avvaiyArs within the next 15 years, if the search is on like this for a perfect 'soul mate'!! :spy:

 

[Raji Ram]

We have discussed more than enough in our forum about this topic and when I commented about the undue demands by brides,

I got a 'bad' reputation mark, addressing me as RAM! I don't care for it anyway because I wrote only what I observed!

 

[P.J.]

Dear A M Sir,

Better if you say 'mother's interference'! Can you guess why I say so!! Today I got two very curt replies from prospective brides' mothers,

when I started to talk about Ram's nephew who is a 6' 5" tall handsome guy! He is rejected for his height! Fathers rarely talk!! :tape:

I am expecting a huge group of avvaiyArs within the next 15 years, if the search is on like this for a perfect 'soul mate'!! :spy:

RAJI madam

Why this trend among Girls now? might be many reasons but are they not going to be hard on them later on?
Late marriage means even normal delivery is doubtful; The outer beauty is very short, the more the girls delay , they also lose their charm.
Girls enjoy much more freedom after marriage unlike some 50 years back, then why they put unreasonable conditions?
One girl' mother which my brother in law tried for his son's alliance wanted the boy to shift his job to the locality where the girl is working!

 

[Raji Ram]

In my close family circle, there is a dark girl who has just completed her B.E and joined in a reputed I T company.

They are searching for a guy around 25 years, who has a master's degree, earning not less than 75 K per month,

owns a flat in Sing Chennai - fully paid (NO EMI), with at least one sibling and parents NOT willing to stay with

their son. They have rejected about a dozen prospective groom on different issues! :nono:

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear P J Sir,

Very rarely girls like to relocate! They want to settle in a flat near their parent's house. May be they are sure that boys find a new job

more easily! 'Raman irukkum idam Ayodhi' is a very old proverb! 'Raman irukkum idam Mithilai' is the new proverb! :lol:

 

[Iyyarooraan]

I think most TB members have not accepted the fact that males and females are equals. Now or in the near future those who are at their peak level will come down because of being lonely there at the peak. There two reasons for the imbalance. One the system is biased against male and the female is biased (mostly) against male. If the two agree that they are equals, then balance is possible. Otherwise, there will be more poles.

 

[kunjuppu]

In my close family circle, there is a dark girl who has just completed her B.E and joined in a reputed I T company.

They are searching for a guy around 25 years, who has a master's degree, earning not less than 75 K per month,

owns a flat in Sing Chennai - fully paid (NO EMI), with at least one sibling and parents NOT willing to stay with

their son. They have rejected about a dozen prospective groom on different issues! :nono:

raji,

pray explain the 'dark' connotation. i presume that is the skin colour as observed by you. come on raji, you too?

do you expect 'dark' girls to discount themselves because of their skin tone? have you not seen nandita das? the beautiest of beauties?

Stay UNfair and Stay Beautiful - Nandita Das | PINKVILLA

if we put this thought and prejudice our own children against our own kind, how can we look at ourselves in the mirror?

 

[kunjuppu]

now that everyone here has literally damned the today's umarried girls and their mothers, i wonder if some folks would turn around, and tell us how honest and understanding and empathetic THEY were when they married off their own daughters.

or whether they rejected vathiar, cooks and business men - on what basis?

personally i feel, that if we are today's boys' side, we are in a bind. the situation was reversed till 20 years ago. atleast in those times, the girls' parents may crib and cry, but very seldom i found them spewing venom, like some of the notes here.

the attitudes in the marriage market is a reflection of our community today. we have evolved into this. best is to accept it, and work around it to the greater aim, which is finding a mate. if you keep on cursing the girls and girls' mothers, do you think, someone is going to turn around and offer their girls to you?

 

[XLR8R]

Late marriage means even normal delivery is doubtful

That's a matter of luck. I know several women married at 20, giving birth at 22 and then essentially not being able to give birth again due to fibroids or ovarian cancer. Young age marriage has it's pitfalls too.

You can safely marry up to the age of 30 or so without problems. Delivery is only a problem at 35 or so.

The outer beauty is very short, the more the girls delay , they also lose their charm.

If someone marries based on external beauty alone, it is shallow to begin with. Secondly, it is quite possible to maintain good charm well into your 30s (even for women) and the only reason it doesn't happen is because women are led to believe it cannot happen!

They are searching for a guy around 25 years, who has a master's degree, earning not less than 75 K per month,

owns a flat in Sing Chennai - fully paid (NO EMI), with at least one sibling and parents NOT willing to stay with

their son. They have rejected about a dozen prospective groom on different issues!

Why, they sure are looking for a free ticket, aren't they? Why the master's degree? All such demands automatically assume the male should be "superior" to the female, thus undermining women's rights and independence! Such families are not respecting women's rights, and I have nothing more to say than that.

As for age; it is a different issue entirely, but then, I'm the guy who talks marriage issues with women 10 years my senior.....yeah, apparently I am very immature!

if we put this thought and prejudice our own children against our own kind, how can we look at ourselves in the mirror?

The bias against dark girls is only increasing due to bollywood influence; I have tried my best to dispel the popular opinion including social media campaigns to limited positive response. I personally have nothing against dark girls (some are actually very very attractive), but this desire to get fair is really very nonsensical. The fact that in India we have different skin tones (whitish, yellowish, brownish, dark, wheatish and everything in between) is a testament to our rich diversity.

If we do such biases against dark girls, the same should happen vice versa - yet, I see so many dark boys married to very fair girls. The hypocrisy! It should stop now.

You might think that my comments are sour grapes from a dark person, but I am a guy with an East Indian skin tone and I really disapprove of the bias against dark skinned girls!

if you keep on cursing the girls and girls' mothers, do you think, someone is going to turn around and offer their girls to you?

At some point, parents must realize that they have to trust their children. A well-educated and settled person doesn't just go and marry some idiot in a love marriage. If you have kids that have been educated to that level, you can safely allow them to choose their own mate (in fact, parents should encourage this). Arranged marriage today is increasingly archaic. You'd be surprised how many people still choose their own community and/or caste in a love marriage as well! It shows the youth is becoming aware of cultural considerations.

 

[tbs]

hi
the reality.. DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT GIRL OR GIRL'S MOTHER....face the challenges...if luck helps...we have plenty of gals....

if one pond fish is over...try another pond....or venture into big sea...there are many fishes in the sea....may be many different fishes.....better

than the normal pond fish....

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Kunjuppu Sir,

I expected to get your reply when I was typing the word 'dark'!

I do not say that dark is bad but the fair and very fair girls think that they have a big asset! No one can deny this. Have you

ever thought why so many varieties of fairness creams flood the market, now, even for men.

See this video please: John Abraham endorses Garnier Mens fairness cream

Most people of our community has the medium complexion and rarely there are very fair complexioned people. I wrote that

word dark because, previously girls were rejected by their complexion and now dozens of them seek the girl! :thumb:

 

[Raji Ram]

A very popular song when was studying in school!

KaNNaa karumai niRa kaNNaa