Worth Reading article about how parents are facing problems nowadays

[P.J.]

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Worth Reading article about how parents are facing problems nowadays



பெற்றோருக்கு வயதாகிவிட்டால், அதிலும் தள்ளாமை வந்து விட்டால், அவர்களுடைய நிலைமை பரிதாபத்துக்குரியதாகி விடுகிறது. புண்ணிய வசத்தால் சத்புத்திரனைப் பெற்றிருந்தால், அவர்களை அவன், அன்பும், ஆதரவும் காட்டி சந்தோஷமாக வைத்திருப்பான். இப்படிப்பட்ட நல்ல பிள்ளைகளை தான் சத்புத்ரன் என்கின்றனர். இன்னும் சில புத்திர ரத்தினங்களும் இருக் கின்றனர்...

பெற்றோர் படாதபாடு பட்டு, படிக்க வைத்து ஆளாக்கி, உத்தியோகம் கிடைக்க செய்து, ஒரு கல்யாணத்தையும் முடித்து வைக்கின்றனர்.


பையன் கல்யாணமாகி, மாலையும் கழுத்துமாய் வந்து நமஸ்காரம் செய்யும்போது, உள்ளம் பூரித்து, அகமகிழ்ந்து ஆசீர்வதிக் கின்றனர். அதன் பிறகு தான் பிரச்னையே ஆரம்பமாகிறது. மனைவியின் பின்னாடியே சுற்ற ஆரம்பித்து விடுகிறான் பையன். மனைவி சொல்லே மந்திரமாகி, பெற்றோர் இரண்டாம் பட்சமாக போய் விடுகின்றனர். மனைவி நல்ல குணம் உள்ளவளாக இருந்தால், மாமியார், மாமனாருக்கு மரியாதை கிடைக்கும். எதைச் செய்வதானாலும் அவர்களிடம் ஒரு வார்த்தை சொல்லிவிட்டுச் செய்வாள். எது நல்லது, எது வேண்டாதது என்று கேட்டு செய்வாள்.


கொஞ்சம் வசதியுள்ள குடும்பத்திலிருந்து வந்த பெண்ணானால் மாமியாரை, மாமனாரை அவ்வளவாக மதிக்க மனமிராது. "அவர்களை என்ன கேட்பது, எனக்குத் தெரி யாதா?' என்பர். இவள் சொல்கிறபடி ஆடுகிறவனாக கணவன் இருந்து விட்டால், வயதான பெற்றோர் பாடு பரிதாபகரமாகி விடுகிறது. பெற்ற பிள்ளை கூட, மனைவியின் பக்கம் சேர்ந்து, இவர்களை ஒரு பாரமாக நினைக்க ஆரம்பித்து, இரவு, பகலாக ஆலோசித்து, இவர்களை ஏதாவது, "முதியோர் இல்லத்தில்' சேர்த்து நாம் நிம்மதியாக இருக்கலாம், நினைத்த சினிமாவுக்கு போகலாம், இஷ்டம் போல் வரலாம், சந்தோஷமாக இருக்கலாம்...' என்று தீர்மானம் போடுவான்.


"முதியோர் இல்லம்' எங்கே இருக்கிறது என்று சிரத்தையாக விசாரித்து பெற்றோருக்கு ஆயிரம் சமாதானம் சொல்லி, அவர்களை அங்கே கொண்டு போய் சேர்த்து, பணத்தையும் கட்டி விட்டு வந்து விடுவான். பெற்றோரும் மனம் நொந்து போய் அந்த இல்லத்தில் தங்கி, திரும்பிப் போகும் பிள்ளையை ஏக்கத்தோடு பார்த்துக் கொண்டே கண்ணீர் சிந்துவர்.


ஆனால், பெற்றோரின் வயோதிக காலத்தில் அவர்களுக்கு வேண்டிய சவுகரியங்களைச் செய்து கொடுத்து, அன்பையும், ஆதரவையும் அளிக்க வேண்டும் என்று சாஸ்திரம் சொல்கிறது. அதை விட சிறந்த தர்மம் வேறு எதுவுமில்லை. ஆலயங்களுக்குப் போக வேண்டாம், தீர்த்த யாத்திரை செய்ய வேண்டாம், ஷேத்ராடனம் செய்ய வேண்டாம், இவைகளில் கிடைக்கும் புண்ணியத்தை விட, மிக அதிகமான புண்ணியம் பெற்றோரின் வயோதிக காலத்தில் மனம் குளிரும்படி நடந்து கொண்டாலே கிடைத்து விடும்.


பிள்ளையைப் பெற்று, வளர்த்து, ஆளாக்க என்னவெல்லாம் செய் திருப்பர் என்பதை பிள்ளைகள் எண்ணிப் பார்க்க வேண்டும். இவன் பிறந்தவுடன் அனாதை இல்லத்திலா கொண்டு போய் சேர்த்தனர். கண்ணும், கருத்துமாய் பாதுகாத்து, இரவு, பகல் பாராமல் ஊட்டி வளர்த்தனர். அப்படிப்பட்ட தாய், தந்தையருக்கு கடைசி காலத்தில், "முதியோர் இல்லம்' தானா கதி! தாய், தந்தையருக்கு வயோதிக காலத்தில் பணிவிடை செய்வது எவ்வளவு பெரிய புண்ணியம்.
***


வைரம் ராஜகோபால்

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[vgane]

One important thing is that parents should help their children during the formative years but should not lead them to be fully dependent on them for financial needs...Control the purse strings till the end...This is the way to control the wayward children!

 

[sarang]

Parents too must enter vanaprasta - reduce their involvement, resposibilities, interference and devote more time a d energy in spiritual, social and other worldly activities.

 

[P.J.]

One important thing is that parents should help their children during the formative years but should not lead them to be fully dependent on them for financial needs...Control the purse strings till the end...This is the way to control the wayward children!

vgane Sir

Nowadays as both husband and wife works, children do not expect any money from their parents;they do not want any interference in their way of living from the elders.

Elders do not have an option to live alone away from their son, simply because a stage will come when one will be left at the mercy of their children.

There the problem starts, any children put them in old age homes as the cost of medical care is very high in foreign countries ( most children nowadays working in foreign lands) or even if they live in India, they do not want to bear the entire expenses of maintaining their parents (even he is a single person now) and would require sharing among with his brothers.

Men staying alone after the death of wife is very difficult, but somehow women manage to adjust.

 

[P.J.]

Parents too must enter vanaprasta - reduce their involvement, resposibilities, interference and devote more time a d energy in spiritual, social and other worldly activities.

It is always not possible to get aloof and involve in spiritual activities, they would like the affection of their grand children.

The problem is to maintain them and pay for their medical care; if the children are living in US/UK or any other western countries, the cost of medical care to high in those countries; then there is no other option but to send the parents back to India for medical care.

Everything will be ok as long as both the parents are alive, but once one leaves, the other will have a problem of managing all alone.

 

[krish44]

It is always not possible to get aloof and involve in spiritual activities, they would like the affection of their grand children.

The problem is to maintain them and pay for their medical care; if the children are living in US/UK or any other western countries, the cost of medical care to high in those countries; then there is no other option but to send the parents back to India for medical care.

Everything will be ok as long as both the parents are alive, but once one leaves, the other will have a problem of managing all alone.

I recently heard about a male parent 80 years living in senior citizen home in south india with wife. when the wife died suddenly , their only child a girl in US landed to pick him up and take him to US temporarily. for 3 months. she now wants her extended family to take care of him which they are reluctant to do. what do we do with these types. still the mindset that girl need not take care of parents.

 

[krish44]

vgane Sir

Nowadays as both husband and wife works, children do not expect any money from their parents;they do not want any interference in their way of living from the elders.

Elders do not have an option to live alone away from their son, simply because a stage will come when one will be left at the mercy of their children.

There the problem starts, any children put them in old age homes as the cost of medical care is very high in foreign countries ( most children nowadays working in foreign lands) or even if they live in India, they do not want to bear the entire expenses of maintaining their parents (even he is a single person now) and would require sharing among with his brothers.

Men staying alone after the death of wife is very difficult, but somehow women manage to adjust.

parent abuse is maximum in families where both son and daughter in law both work and money is not a constraint in india. money is hardly the only issue in india.There is also the mindset married girls[daughters] should not take this responsibility in families where the girl is a housewife and non earning. similarly working DILs would like to keep their parents and not boys parents. one way is elders should learn to be independent economically and also have a workforce consisting of servants and the like to take care of themselves . dependence on others specially children should be avoided as far as possible. another smart solution is having a large flat in parents name before marriage and integrate the daughter in law with it and build economic inter dependance. I know one relative who sold of his sons bachelor flat [a small one] and brought a Duplex in his and wifes name before marriage and added daughter in law to the family. the son and daughter in law had to stay with them .it had a bad ending . the daughter in law made the son change his job to another town and took the boy away.. what happens to a parent ,I have come to the conclusion ,cannot be predicted or guessed. it is only fate

 

[P.J.]

Dear Sri.vgane Sir

Many news reports says that only through servants, information about elderly couple are given to outsiders who can go to any extend of harming them , and even murder them for monetary gain.

Life is very hard in old age, and couple living alone is not always easy.

in our case, we have our own income, and manage ourselves financially in India, but the question arises when one of us Go, what the other person will do to manage?our daughter is in UK, and son is in US.

Relatives and friends have their own family and related problems;
At best we can visit them only occasionally, but staying with them is out of question as they also will be moving to their son/ daughter's home when situation demands.

I am already 75, my wife 68.

So we made up to live with our son and got green card; we visit Chennai once in 18-24 months for medical requirements/ checkup, etc

Daughters usually wish to help parents, but there also there are some constraints like the place where they stay like UK, etc

In UK , there is no green card facility, and you are to leave after 6 months visitors Visa; Visiting UK again and again is also not welcomed by UK immigration authorities.

Even if the daughter stays in India, there are more chances of her In laws staying with them; conflict of ego, and other related problems will be too much to tackle.

Staying in old age is like traveling in a Train where you have unknown company; in train travel the company is for a short period, but if we we stay in old age home, the company is longer.

Due to modern age of life style of most of the young couple like going for meditation, yoga, Gym, clubs, the elderly are left to look after the kids if they are young and needs attention.

Due to their busy life, young couple finds it hard to manage when one of the parents falls sick, due to office work coupled with their personal schedule .

There is no simple solution to this, but it all depends upon the family, their set up, where they live etc etc.

Even in our case, if one of us falls sick, needs extensive medical care, we have no other option but to return to Chennai as the cost of medical care in US ( even with medical insurance ) is sky high!!

We also understand that neither our son/ nor daughter in law can take long leave to be with us in that situation, as our young grand children are going to School, needs their presence all the time.




This is life in old age!!

 

[mkrishna100]

There is not simple solution to this, but it all depends upon the family, their set up, where they live etc etc.

This is the key .

 

[krish44]

This is the key .

my solution - convert my flat into old age home staffing with loyal servants
ensure at least one member of my family is in india and periodically keeping in touch'
have emergency fall back for everyone in the family thru planning

 

[Raji Ram]

Loyal servants? :spy: Where are they????

 

[Raji Ram]

My vote is for a good senior citizen home. Most of them are commercial but
the people who have vitamin M can easily live a comfortable life! :couch2:

 

[krish44]

Loyal servants? :spy: Where are they????

RRji my servants both ladies have been with me for over 10 years. I consider them as also family. they are south indians from poor families. I do not intend parting with them as I have trained and brought them up for my requirements . one became my cook after training and the other I use for washing utensils ,cleaning and washing clothes. both got widowed last year . now they get delhi govt pension. they have a good lifestyle . I have ensured that. My driver is also a south indian ,beside driving is an excellent odd jobs man doing market work-provisions etc,bank work for me . I trust them fully. any emergency they run into, I bail them out. they are all non brahmins.I prefer it that way.one has offered to nurse me when I grow older if required. if you care for the poor ,they reciprocate.you know when I got involved in an accident a few years back my toilet cleaner carried me a furlong to put me into a vehicle to hospital and probably saved me. one needs to care only for someone to reciprocate

 

[krish44]

My vote is for a good senior citizen home. Most of them are commercial but
the people who have vitamin M can easily live a comfortable life! :couch2:

convert your home into old age home and staff it with servants. you have anyway vitamin M. couple of servant families will bless you for employing them

 

[Raji Ram]

Good piece if advice, Krish Sir! But I live in Sing. Chennai!

 

[krish44]

Good piece if advice, Krish Sir! But I live in Sing. Chennai!

sing. chennai -does it mean singapore or chennai- sorry if it is personal

 

[Raji Ram]

​It is short and sweet form for SingArach Chennai!

 

[P.J.]

Raji Madam

Even if senior citizens have lot of money to support them, will they be happy ?

I don't think so... they need love and affection from dear and near ones which is missing nowadays due to changing life style.

Young couples are too busy throughout their professional life, and whatever time they get , they use it for Yoga, Meditation, gym, clubs etc.

Children are also put into various coaching classes like, music,dance, swimming, soccer class, Tennis, judo training , etc

The whole family does not have time for the oldies.

Coming to old age senior citizen home: it is like our General Section, no one agrees with the other, ego; boasting about how they were, boasting about their Children in FAR OFF Lands, ..... the life is like oil on water...

Pattum padathatha...

Every senior citizen may not be interested in doing meditation at a particular time, or doing prayer at a particular time; it is not the the way they lived.

 

[krish44]

​It is short and sweet form for SingArach Chennai!

what makes you think chennai cannot get you loyal and honest servants?.of course in chennai,they have got used to freebies and welfare measures in ample measures. what I find is many senior citizens get food delivered home in brahmin dominated localities such as T nagar,ashok nagar,nanganallur etc -items other than rice and curd - with specific requirement of less spice and salt to suit them. it takes the burden of cooking from senior citizen . beside those living near temple in nanganallur depend on the temple extensively -even good families visit at breakfast, evening times for prasadam which is fresh and hot which they say is better than most hotels.some of these put money in hundi to salvage their conscience so that they are giving something back. I used a cook for my children when they stayed for education there. she was employed 9 months every year for four years. she of course did not belong to TB caste.Also I had a punjabi house wife in an apartment in nearby society who supplied north indian home cooked food thanks to my north indian background. she did it just to help me since she was originally from delhi. her son was doing engg. and later went to US for higher studies. I still meet her whenever I am in chennai. chennai people can be very helpful when they want to be. only we have to learn to relate to them

 

[krish44]

Raji Madam

Even if senior citizens have lot of money to support them, will they be happy ?

I don't think so... they need love and affection from dear and near ones which is missing nowadays due to changing life style.

Young couples are too busy throughout their professional life, and whatever time they get , they use it for Yoga, Meditation, gym, clubs etc.

Children are also put into various coaching classes like, music,dance, swimming, soccer class, Tennis, judo training , etc

The whole family does not have time for the oldies.

Coming to old age senior citizen home: it is like our General Section, no one agrees with the other, ego; boasting about how they were, boasting about their Children in FAR OFF Lands, ..... the life is like oil on water...

Pattum padathatha...

Every senior citizen may not be interested in doing meditation at a particular time, or doing prayer at a particular time; it is not the the way they lived.

Pj sir
you are very correct when you say young couples and children are busy with their life to care for oldies.
call it my selfishness as an oldie . I have deliberately decided that helpless poor and NBs are my constituency and I should support them and employ them at very good terms to look after me.
Of course boasting about their children in foreign lands by senior citizen in welfare homes and other places is a common sight in tamilnadu.if you have not come across them go to ayodhya mandapam or senior citizen homes in coimbotore or chennai suburbs

 

[kunjuppu]

what makes you think chennai cannot get you loyal and honest servants?.of course in chennai,they have got used to freebies and welfare measures in ample measures. what I find is many senior citizens get food delivered home in brahmin dominated localities such as T nagar,ashok nagar,nanganallur etc -items other than rice and curd - with specific requirement of less spice and salt to suit them. it takes the burden of cooking from senior citizen . beside those living near temple in nanganallur depend on the temple extensively -even good families visit at breakfast, evening times for prasadam which is fresh and hot which they say is better than most hotels.some of these put money in hundi to salvage their conscience so that they are giving something back. I used a cook for my children when they stayed for education there. she was employed 9 months every year for four years. she of course did not belong to TB caste.Also I had a punjabi house wife in an apartment in nearby society who supplied north indian home cooked food thanks to my north indian background. she did it just to help me since she was originally from delhi. her son was doing engg. and later went to US for higher studies. I still meet her whenever I am in chennai. chennai people can be very helpful when they want to be. only we have to learn to relate to them

dear krish,

one thoda request. pls split your post into 2 or 3 paras. easier to read

back to the subject: caste plays a huge part in chennai. tambrams will not as a rule have cooks from other castes. how many ads we have seen here for brahmin cooks? a 2nd rate brahmin cook is still preferred to a first rate from another caste. people have excuses - parents living and all that s*&t. there is no other word for sheer prejudice.

but other castes are the same. recently in neeya naana, ladies, openly and without shame, said, that they will not have other castes inside their house (even if the other caste is 'higher'). especially in the kitchen. and never in the pooja room.

to our credit, there was a brahmin lady, who openly said, that she had no problem, re maid entering the kitchen or pooja room. she was another human after all. and a hindu too. unsaid loudly, was everyone was referring to dalits.

most tambram renters will not give to NBs, though some may relent to veggies of other castes. particularly so in middle class areas of chennai like mylapore tnagar etc.

they would not mind foreigners, because with these, you can get a fat rent. also in posh areas, there are no restrictions. when someone is paying 50,000 inr per month, his caste religion nationality foodhabits dont count

 

[P.J.]

Nowadays Brahmin maami Cooks go for Srartham samyal, Mangali pendu samayal, and other one day type Samayal and they charge not less than Rs 400- 500 per day plus Transport cost; they do not want to be tied up in one house earning monthly salary.

Many Brahmin well to do families nowadays train their maids in helping side helps like cutting vegetables, cleaning vessels, washing cloths, ironing , going to Grinding machine shop like that.

Some also allow them to cook Idly/ Dosa, Side Dishes , etc

It all depends upon the mindset of the MAAMI of the House.

 

[krish44]

dear krish,

one thoda request. pls split your post into 2 or 3 paras. easier to read

back to the subject: caste plays a huge part in chennai. tambrams will not as a rule have cooks from other castes. how many ads we have seen here for brahmin cooks? a 2nd rate brahmin cook is still preferred to a first rate from another caste. people have excuses - parents living and all that s*&t. there is no other word for sheer prejudice.

but other castes are the same. recently in neeya naana, ladies, openly and without shame, said, that they will not have other castes inside their house (even if the other caste is 'higher'). especially in the kitchen. and never in the pooja room.

to our credit, there was a brahmin lady, who openly said, that she had no problem, re maid entering the kitchen or pooja room. she was another human after all. and a hindu too. unsaid loudly, was everyone was referring to dalits.

most tambram renters will not give to NBs, though some may relent to veggies of other castes. particularly so in middle class areas of chennai like mylapore tnagar etc.

they would not mind foreigners, because with these, you can get a fat rent. also in posh areas, there are no restrictions. when someone is paying 50,000 inr per month, his caste religion nationality foodhabits dont count

sorry . I shall write in paragraphs for ease of reading . Not many read my posts . you are my most loyal reader
when I rent my flat ,my first preference is north indians then south. . I prefer only two or threee singles
I prefer vegetarians/eggetarians . I have no caste bias. I have a bias for educated youngsters. for non veg ,I have told them to eat out. I turn a blind eye to their lifestyle-smoke,drink and partying.only I tell them not to fall foul of conservative neighbours ,security and police. I never talk to them or meet them . They can call if they want. they are told to look after my house like theirs. if anything is missing[mine is fully furnished with expensive fittings and accessories ,I quietly replace them


pooja room is a dicey business . when my son bought a flat my sambandhi was only interested in pooja room . where it will be and direction god photos will face.at the rented flat since he is a saivite he planted a linga in the pooja room of my sons place though he did not mind giving his daughter to him a vaishnavite.

Also he put framed photo of some bearded character he called his guru whose permission he took [ he I learn put wedding invitation before him before marriage and prayed like hell]to part with his daughter to my son.At this my wife drew the line and told him to take the bearded fellow photo with him back which he has refused so far . compromise -when we visit my daughter in law quietly removes it and puts it back when her father comes visiting. my son does not go near the pooja room

I have no problem with any caste in my pooja room. I do not perform any pooja. my wife does . so it is healthy coexistence.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear P J Sir,

Money alone can not bring happiness to anyone! Love, affection and good health are also needed to be happy. But, for most of

the seniors, children live in far off lands and can spare only one hour / week to chat over skype! In such a situation, maintaining

a house, attending to all odd jobs becomes a problem, when we grow old. The senior citizen homes have many varieties. Some

offer full freedom where as some have timings even to pray! Most of the brahmins are born with ego and can't stop bragging about

their children's status, education, their grand kids and of course about their own intelligence! So, we have to get used to all these.
Only then, life will be good in Sr. Ctzn homes! eace:

 

[Raji Ram]

Update for P J Sir.

Fees for cooking for fifteen persons (maximum) on poojA / sradhdham day = Rs.1,500/
If there are 20 persons, it is Rs. 2,000/ opcorn: