Yet another failed marriage

[prasad1]

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A friend of mine (A rich professional Tabra from respected family) had a grand wedding for his only daughter 2 years ago. The girl 25 is very talented artist and highly educated. The marriage was arranged by matching Jadagam and the boys family was also known to the girls family though some distant relation. The boy is very well qualified and highly recognized auto designer. The marriage was blessed by Kanchi Shankaracharya, as the girl’s side is well connected.
The boy got lured to USA by a major auto company with an H1 visa.
The girl also came to USA after 4months on H4 visa. We went and helped them move and settle here in USA. Things seemed to be moving along, as we have some friends in their town that could keep an eye on them.


After 6 months the girl told us that she is going to India for cousin’s wedding. She was expected back in 20 days but nothing happened. So we asked the girl’s parents about her plans. We were told that the girl was going through some health problem. So we wait for few more weeks, again nothing happens. Then we find out that boy is going to India, he asks the girl’s parent to meet him in Delhi airport. We find that the boy has not communicated with the girl since she left for India. No e-mail, no phone call absolutely no effort at has been made. In addition when girl or the girls family made any effort to talk with him he refused to talk with them. In the meantime my friend contacted the boys parent to find out the reason, it seems they were non-committal. We tried to call the boy he was pleasant but pretended as if nothing happened.


On the day he arrived in Delhi airport, he would not stay as he was on his way to Mumbai to see his parents. My friend was upset and told that they have to meet face to face. The next day the girl’s family went to Mumbai to confront. The boy’s side refused to meet them. We advised the girl to decide the outcome of marriage one way or the other. But the girl’s father was reluctant to accept, the reality. They asked the boy to stop in Delhi on his way back, but he skipped and came back to USA.


I was appalled at my friend that he was putting the girl through a wringer. We advised that they should proceed to divorce. Somehow the Indian parents were not willing to accept the reality that the marriage is broken.


Last month against all advice they sent the girl alone to USA. I was angry at the girl’s parent that they sent her here without invitation. Fortunately my friend picked her at the airport, and took her to meet the boy. The boy did not respond well, he opened the door but the very first question to girl was why did she come. Next day the girl went back to India crying.

I will never understand the girl’s parents, how can they put the girl in such emotional state, that too alone. Why would they not accept that the marriage is over?

 

[mkrishna100]

[h=2]Yet another failed marriage [/h]

I am not surprised .

I will never understand the girl’s parents, how can they put the girl in such emotional state, that too alone. Why would they not accept that the marriage is over?

It is tough to accept the fact that marriage is over . I know of many families who go through these sort of situations and just for the sake of society they try to do a patch up and keep the marriage working . Sometimes the fact that they have another daughter to be married can also be a factor in these things .

 

[amala]

But what is the reason for the boy's sudden change? I totally understand where the girls parents are coming from. There is no closure unless you know why someone who is totally fine with you (i'm completely assuming here) the next moment ceases communication and acts like his wife is a total stranger. Especially if that someone is your spouse!. Plenty of weirdos around thats for sure and Prasad Sir you seem to know quite a number of them D Just kidding! please don't yell at me!)

 

[prasad1]

Amala,
The price of longevity and being socially active. LOL
I do not know it is sudden change or the girl's side trying to cover up.

 

[Govinda]

Whatever be the reason, the boy is solely responsible for the security/safety of his wife (acc. to US law or the Parasara/Manu smriti). InterPol can be called and the boy will be deported to India, for his irresponsibility.

The same should be followed by all seniros/managers at work, they should serve pinkslips to the men who dont treat their wives well, in the name of ego/status/arrogance based on status/career/position or education. Women should be excused for any reason, according to our smritis.

 

[biswa]

But Mr. Prasad, without knowing the diagnosis, how can one administer the right medicine?

 

[prasad1]

But Mr. Prasad, without knowing the diagnosis, how can one administer the right medicine?

Mr. Biswa,
You are right, the girl's side is so full of guilt or shame that they do not want to confront the situation. We have been telling them to be honest to their child, but this "people will talk" comes in the way. I knew that the marriage has ended at least 6 months ago.
I agree with what Mr. Govinda says.
My problem is with girl's parents, I told them that if this was my child, i would have filed divorce papers in India. I would never send my child alone to face this "person" alone. Fortunately there was no physical violence involved, but you never know how it turns out in an emotional situation. They are well off, and they do not need the boy's money, but I think you should teach him a lesson. Marriage was conducted in India, divorce in India and sue the boy in India.

 

[prasad1]

Whatever be the reason, the boy is solely responsible for the security/safety of his wife (acc. to US law or the Parasara/Manu smriti). InterPol can be called and the boy will be deported to India, for his irresponsibility.

The same should be followed by all seniros/managers at work, they should serve pinkslips to the men who dont treat their wives well, in the name of ego/status/arrogance based on status/career/position or education. Women should be excused for any reason, according to our smritis.

I do not know smritis, but I fully agree with you. It is the boy's responsibility.

 

[Raghy]

Whatever be the reason, the boy is solely responsible for the security/safety of his wife (acc. to US law or the Parasara/Manu smriti). InterPol can be called and the boy will be deported to India, for his irresponsibility.

The same should be followed by all seniros/managers at work, they should serve pinkslips to the men who dont treat their wives well, in the name of ego/status/arrogance based on status/career/position or education. Women should be excused for any reason, according to our smritis.

Sri. Govinda, Greetings.

There are responsibilities to be adhered by both spouses for a marriage to stay together. In this case, the reason for the friction is not clear. I wouldn't be blaming any one of the spouses in a hurry.

Cheers!

 

[biswa]

I still didn't get what we in software engineering call "the root cause". What caused the marriage to be over? Was the girl suffering from depression or homesickness because of the H-4 visa existence? Was the guy a wife beater?

Or is the punishment more severe than the crime?

 

[renuka]

I knew a TB friend(Malaysian TB) whose sister married a TB from USA.

He(the guy from USA) used to beat her up and no reason was given.

Ok the reasons I am going to state are kind of medical but as mature adults I think we can understand the gravity of the situation.

The marriage was failing and no one knew the reason and then one fine day the girl called her brother who is a doctor here and told him that after 2 years of marriage they were still not able to consummate the marriage.

Then the brother took her to a doctor who conducted a medical examination on the girl and it was a case imperforate hymen which was hindering the sexual intercourse and the girl underwent a minor surgery and then marriage was consummated.

Now the couple are living happily.

So I hope all this aspects are also taken into account in this case if there is any sexual related problem for both the girl and the guy.

Sexual orientation of the guy also need to be considered cos if he is a closet gay then surely a marriage will not last.

Also need to find out if the girl actually liked someone else before and is unable to connect emotionally with her husband..like the movie Mouna Ragam.

This couple need separate counselling so that both can tell their version of the story.
If counselling is done together chances are both might hide some important points and facts.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear friends,

Now a days, the 'give and take' policy has a new meaning: 'You give and I take!' This is only one of the hundreds of unhappy

marriages! Whether the wedding happens in India or abroad, unless there is mutual trust and love between the partners, the

marriage will not survive!

Early this year, a boy from one of my close relatives got married to a Tambram girl, born and brought up in North India. The boy

is the younger of the two sons. They have a family business and very affluent. The parents wanted the unity of the family even

after the weddings of the two sons. Since the parents of many girls wanted the partition to be done before the wedding, they chose

this girl from a lower middle class family and requested the girl and her parents to stay with them to see their life style and when

everyone seemed to be satisfied, they proceeded with a grand galA wedding at their home town. The boy's side made all the

arrangements and spent lakhs of money and gifted silk sarees and stuff to all the relatives! Till the wedding was fixed, the relatives

were not informed. The reason they gave was that someone might advise the girl's parents to get the partition done and spoil the

alliance! Now, I hear that the divorce is over a couple of months back!! How is it possible within a few months? Everyone will wonder...

It seems after the wedding was over, the girl told the boy's parents that she is not a graduate and was in a mental hospital for a few

years for treatment! She will get violent if something that she does not like happens! A detective was sent to her place and documents
were collected to prove her statement. So......... The court gave the judgement - 'Marriage is Null and Void'!! :faint:

Can the boy or girl ever be called an unmarried person?


P.S: My advocate brother in law says: 'Now a days, people seem to fix the date of consultation with a lawyer even before they fix

the wedding date!'

 

[prasad1]

My Idea to post this thread was not finding fault, or try to fix the broken marriage. I am sure they all tried that.
My problem is with the girl's parent. Why would you not accept the reality, and support your daughter? Of course I am biased as I know this girl from her childhood. No one so young should suffer like this. It is better to accept that marriage is broken and let her live her new life with dignity and family support.

This false opinion of "society" is only relevant in India. I would not care one iota for someone else's opinion when it is the best interest of my child.

 

[tbs]

hi
sad stories of human life....i can understand the gravity....greed and material interests are main reasons in both sides....what next?

MORE INNOCENT DIVORCESS IN REMARRIAGE MARKET.... if a bachelor boy never get girl after 40 yrs of age...only option..

divorcee without child/or widow with a child....no affection /emotion in today's marrriage market....purely consumerism.....so sad...

 

[tks]

My Idea to post this thread was not finding fault, or try to fix the broken marriage. I am sure they all tried that.
My problem is with the girl's parent. Why would you not accept the reality, and support your daughter? Of course I am biased as I know this girl from her childhood. No one so young should suffer like this. It is better to accept that marriage is broken and let her live her new life with dignity and family support.

Prasdji

This false opinion of "society" is only relevant in India. I would not care one iota for someone else's opinion when it is the best interest of my child.

Since you were close to the girl and have known her from her childhood are you able to even venture a guess as what went wrong? Regardless of reason - even if she had done something wrong - I think the boy should be held to account regardless for abandonment. The girl's parent are unable to accept reality and they are suffering out of ignorance and hope

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Prasad Sir,

You live in the U S of A and the girl's family lives in India. Hence the difference in outlook of life!

Ram and I are friendly with a couple for many years. They separated after celebrating their silver jubilee wedding

anniversary! They are not divorced yet but live separately for the past 15 years! They are very good individuals.

Father lives alone, mother is with her daughter who is employed, drawing a good salary and son is working abroad.

The mother is unable to find matches for her daughter (38) and son (35) because she is separated from her husband!

Those who approach her for alliance, go away saying "thAyaip pOla piLLai; noolaip pOla sElai"! hwell:

 

[zebra16]

Those who approach her for alliance, go away saying "thAyaip pOla piLLai; noolaip pOla sElai"! hwell:

Many a times I feel that "useless" proverbs or idioms or phrases like these act as a rule of thumb when we deal with unknown people and sub-consciously these sayings (most of these pass off as ancient wisdom) act as poison and prejudice the mind from thinking rationally.

 

[ozone]

The same should be followed by all seniros/managers at work, they should serve pinkslips to the men who dont treat their wives well, in the name of ego/status/arrogance based on status/career/position or education.

And a similar reciprocity when the treatement is all well and good? shower them with raises, promotions, bonus etc.,? All male folks now should carry a NOC to office?
I get your point though

Women should be excused for any reason, according to our smritis.

any reason? I would expect it to apply to only those that respect and abide by the smritis, not to all and sundry - definitely not to those that defy or challenge them.
So, we now end up taking smritis (and religion) to the work place?

 

[SANDHYAV]

lets look at it in the opposite angle:

1. a marriage is considered successful to be very PRACTICAL if it had been happy for 40 years. so this is not a failed marriage. just a 2 day ritual is enough to be considered legal by court.
2. a marriage is over only after procuring a legal document from a lawyer

 

[Govinda]

And a similar reciprocity when the treatement is all well and good? shower them with raises, promotions, bonus etc.,? All male folks now should carry a NOC to office? I get your point though any reason? I would expect it to apply to only those that respect and abide by the smritis, not to all and sundry - definitely not to those that defy or challenge them. So, we now end up taking smritis (and religion) to the work place?

If you dont know how to resolve conflicts at home, you are no good anywere (work/society). Like Charity, ethics are learnt at home. These stupid western education (univ. degrees) dont value one's attitudes/behaviours for degrees. What a pity! We have commercial minded, corrupt rulers, who dont think of humane needs/conditions, but only aim for market profits.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

prasad,

Though divorces are becoming common among the Tamil Brahmins, the society/organized religion does not accept divorce. I know a girl who is a divorcee and who got married recently. Her father is on first name terms with one of the Peeta Acharyas. Their family has been closely associated with the Peetam for generations. But the Acharya refused to meet the couple or bless them. When I asked the Bride's father he told me that the Mutt was aginst divorce and there was a lot of opposition for her getting a divorce.

I am not posting this as a criticism of the attitude of the Peetams. I want to show the amount of opposition that the girl's parents would face if the girl takes a divorce. But what the girl's parents should realize is that it is the girl's welfare which is of paramount importance and not the approval of religious authorities.

In the particular case I quoted, the Mutt authorities had become cold towards the girl's parents when she got a divorce. But they were still accepted. The girl continued to met the Acharya even after her divorce and got his blessings. After her second marriage she met the Acharya alone and got his blessings.

The Tamil Brahmin society does not approve of Divorce. The peetams/Acharyas only reflect that attitude.

We can only hope that it will change.

 

[Raji Ram]

Many a times I feel that "useless" proverbs or idioms or phrases like these act as a rule of thumb when we deal with unknown people and sub-consciously these sayings (most of these pass off as ancient wisdom) act as poison and prejudice the mind from thinking rationally.

Very true, Sir!

But surprisingly, idioms like 'sEtril malarndha senthAmarai' are not considered!

There are many such proverbs for the birth stars of girls and boys!

For girls:

'peN moolam nirmoolam;

'kEttai jEttanukku AgAdhu'

'Ayilyam maamiyArukku AgAdhu'

'avittatthil pirandhAl thavittup pAnaiyilum thangam!'

For boys:

'chitthiraip piLLaiyin appA theruvilE'

'aaN moolam arasALum!' and so on.......

 

[ozone]

If you dont know how to resolve conflicts at home, you are no good anywere (work/society). Like Charity, ethics are learnt at home. These stupid western education (univ. degrees) dont value one's attitudes/behaviours for degrees. What a pity! We have commercial minded, corrupt rulers, who dont think of humane needs/conditions, but only aim for market profits.

I think it should be the other way - atleast thats what I feel, given that most folks spend their best part of the day at work and even much before they end up with the marraige. Based on what and how they resolve conflicts at work, their personal life can be guaged. It might be surprising to validate that those who end up with divorces might have had one too many jumps in the jobs too - but that may be not be statistically relevant or coherent. A person could switch switch jobs purely from a selfish perspective and the selfishness many times includes family as well

 

[sangom]

The marriage scene in India is very vitiated, according to reports. I presume the girl and her parents are located in or near ND, is this correct? If so, it may be worthwhile to bear in mind that there is, reportedly, a flourishing "Divorce Industry" in those areas (and also Bengaluru, I am told). There are lawyers specialized in this area and they are employing agents also; some marriage brokers themselves double up as touts for these divorce lawyers.

I strongly suspect that the girl's parents have acted in this case as per the advice of some such lawyer. While I am no expert in such matters, may be the girl coming back to India without any hubbub or commotion was not "legally" attractive and the lawyer wants to make a case under sec 496 which will make it an non-bailable offence and the girl's side may even have the boy's passport withheld by the court so that the boy's future is completely and irrevocably destroyed. May be that the girl and her parents did not want the boy to go to the US and he did not mind them. This sort of a small discontent is suitably made use of by the divorce lawyers and the norm is that once the court pronounces the monetary part of the punishment the lawyer takes half of it.

Even poor and middle-class families are reportedly lured by these lawyers into extracting the maximum money from the boy's side. People living in ND area are therefore doubly cautious to please the girl's side and keep them in good humour at all costs, it seems.

Divorce in such cases is not given easily and early, because, it seems, the longer the marriage lasts on paper, the longer the period for which the husband will have to pay the maintenance amount and this will increase the total amount of monetary punishment at the end of the case.

Though Shri Prasad sir states that the girl's side are rich people, they might have fallen into this kind of trap just to "teach a lesson" to the boy. It is worth making discreet enquiries on this possibility, imho.

 

[P.J.]

Prasad Sir

i feel sorry for the girl and her parents even if they are on the wrong side; in these types of cases, the girl and her parents suffer more; as both boy and girl are highly educated and fairly wealthy, probably their egoism played a major role in their disagreement.