Yet another failed marriage

[sravna]

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Dear Renuka,

You are right. What we need to do is to figure out how we can make the marriage more happy than trying to do away with marriage itself.

 

[tks]

Affluence brings new choices. One can lead an independent life today without needing anyone else. It is not like people are working in a farm requiring many to work together or live in a village having interdependent roles to serve each other. Equality between man and woman is often mistaken to mean that they must both excel in the same chore.

It is understandable why there will be sharp rise of divorces all around the world. Not many divorces happen casually - there is unthinkable pain involved for people involved regardless of where they are from. So it will be silly to assume that many in any society just go through divorces willy-nilly. This suffering is but one example society is going through while more issues are brewing for so called middle class families in the future.

More older people will be put in old care homes by their children who have other needs. More children will be forced to compete at ever younger age. Some people already feel forced to register for school as soon they know they have conceived. A three year old is subjected to interviews and the competitive world. Middle class is living in a dysfunctional value system and they do not know that.. They think dysfunction is in other societies.

Part of middle class aspires to ape the west without knowing about their own heritage. They run away from the religious types who many times tend to be largely ignorant of the real basis of tradition and equate religious tradition to morality. Some even see the tradition providing avenue to be parental and assert their narrow-minded views from a closet hiding under God's name.

I am sorry to see many TB tend to excel in hypocrisy - they condemn the west, while wanting their children to go West so they themselves can make a trip.

With the above trends as but few examples it is easy to see such separations happening.

Regardless in this specific sad story , since the Girl came in H4 visa, even if there were marital problems the boy needs to reach closure by not appearing to abandon his new wife who came without the right to work and be independent. It is possible the marital issues may be entirely due to her and even then he has the duty to make things right so there is no perception of abandonment.

The girls parents probably fear their narrow-minded TB circle condemning them. So they are unable to talk about the issues and to find a resolution.

However I would like interpret their action with possible wisdom in their thinking - they may still hope to set things right especially if the separation is out of ego issues. In that case it is far worse to create an irreparable situation which can never be pardoned. So if they are taking time to figure this out I can understand that. I dont think they need to be counseled to seek divorce and punish the boy in my view at this time. It is better to create an environment for the couple to reach that decision where they can talk through their issues perhaps with an impartial person.

However if I were Prasadji I would counsel the parents of the girls to ignore narrow minded TBs and not give them importance. With that pressure off they may be able to take right actions ...

 

[tbs]

hi renu,

So basically long lasting does not mean happiness..its just like the stainless steel plates that can last a lifetime and take in all the dents and finally we get a dysfunctional plate!LOL

you are right...recently i met a guy....who completed his 25th yr marriage anniversaary....i asked abt his family journey....

he summed like wise....it was arranged marriage....so love started after maarage...it lasted abt initial 5 yrs...then he got

first child....after 5 yrs second child....the wife become mother more than a wife....she spends more time with children...

after some yrs...she was completely neglected her husband.....she became fulltime mother ...part time wife....

i asked how was last 25 yrs married life...he just replied....initially koncham kudithanam for first 5 yrs...then balance

20 years verum kuppai kottinen.....குப்பை கொட்டறது என்றல் வெறும் ஒரு அர்த்தம் இல்லாமல் தாம்பத்திய வாழ்கை ...

this is reality for many married guys now a days...

 

[suraju06]

Relatives have become non committal because they do not want to be blamed later for having given a good certificate. Boys and girls themselves have become adept in hiding their true selves. We are migrating across the country and hence our sources to know about the boy/girl have become extremely limited. What can you make out of a family or its cultural background if the boy is from Tirunelvely or Nagerkoil and the girl is from a palghat brahmin family settled down in Agra for three generations. So these days we engage a private detective to find out things for us. Only thing you have to take care is to tell the detective clearly what you are looking for from his team. I have seen a report from a detective which said some thing like this "the boy was seen in the company of four friends in a hotel eating. while two of the friends lit a cigarette this boy did not smoke. So he does not have smoking habit". And the amount charged by the detective agency is quite high. So those families who can not afford investing in such a venture the outcome of which is unpredictable cross their fingers and pray to God.

Cheers.

 

[prasad1]

Affluence brings new choices. One can lead an independent life today without needing anyone else. It is not like people are working in a farm requiring many to work together or live in a village having interdependent roles to serve each other. Equality between man and woman is often mistaken to mean that they must both excel in the same chore.

It is understandable why there will be sharp rise of divorces all around the world. Not many divorces happen casually - there is unthinkable pain involved for people involved regardless of where they are from. So it will be silly to assume that many in any society just go through divorces willy-nilly. This suffering is but one example society is going through while more issues are brewing for so called middle class families in the future.

More older people will be put in old care homes by their children who have other needs. More children will be forced to compete at ever younger age. Some people already feel forced to register for school as soon they know they have conceived. A three year old is subjected to interviews and the competitive world. Middle class is living in a dysfunctional value system and they do not know that.. They think dysfunction is in other societies.

Part of middle class aspires to ape the west without knowing about their own heritage. They run away from the religious types who many times tend to be largely ignorant of the real basis of tradition and equate religious tradition to morality. Some even see the tradition providing avenue to be parental and assert their narrow-minded views from a closet hiding under God's name.

I am sorry to see many TB tend to excel in hypocrisy - they condemn the west, while wanting their children to go West so they themselves can make a trip.

With the above trends as but few examples it is easy to see such separations happening.

Regardless in this specific sad story , since the Girl came in H4 visa, even if there were marital problems the boy needs to reach closure by not appearing to abandon his new wife who came without the right to work and be independent. It is possible the marital issues may be entirely due to her and even then he has the duty to make things right so there is no perception of abandonment.

The girls parents probably fear their narrow-minded TB circle condemning them. So they are unable to talk about the issues and to find a resolution.

However I would like interpret their action with possible wisdom in their thinking - they may still hope to set things right especially if the separation is out of ego issues. In that case it is far worse to create an irreparable situation which can never be pardoned. So if they are taking time to figure this out I can understand that. I dont think they need to be counseled to seek divorce and punish the boy in my view at this time. It is better to create an environment for the couple to reach that decision where they can talk through their issues perhaps with an impartial person.

However if I were Prasadji I would counsel the parents of the girls to ignore narrow minded TBs and not give them importance. With that pressure off they may be able to take right actions ...

Well said. But the girl's parents are not asking my advice, so I am not going to volunteer.
Thanks for a measured post.

 

[tbs]

hi
here in USA... H4 is typical problem.........i know many H4 stories.....H4 is a dependent visa...only for married couple allowed...

not able to work...even gal has 4 ph.ds and 6 masters...she has to cook and and stay home only...even she cant work even

in gas station....she can study....many conditions are applied....so highly educated gals are having many problem...even

just 1 hour cooking/cleaning...then othe times ....talking with parents/with friends through internet chatting....no expense

for many hours chatting...then problem started...the parents/friends misguide them....here there is no chaacha/batthijaa...

no proper relatives...only friends are relatives....many times misguided.....this is very typical sad story in young IT professionals...

thaane raaajaaa... thaane mantri.....

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear TBS Sir,

The dependent visa is much better off than marrying a man with a green card. The girls go on dependent visa, then start

studying in a nearby university, change to student visa. Later on they get a job and move to H1 visa. That is what any smart

girl does. The girl makes sure that her husband will pay for her education and help her to get her masters degree in the U S of A.

But the girls who marry a green card holder can not even join her husband for about two years after the wedding! One such girl

in my circle of relatives is waiting in Trivandrum for the past one year and another girl has brainwashed her husband to return to

India and he has agreed to move by middle of 2013!

 

[tbs]

Dear TBS Sir,

The dependent visa is much better off than marrying a man with a green card. The girls go on dependent visa, then start

studying in a nearby university, change to student visa. Later on they get a job and move to H1 visa. That is what any smart

girl does. The girl makes sure that her husband will pay for her education and help her to get her masters degree in the U S of A.

But the girls who marry a green card holder can not even join her husband for about two years after the wedding! One such girl

in my circle of relatives is waiting in Trivandrum for the past one year and another girl has brainwashed her husband to return to

India and he has agreed to move by middle of 2013!

hi RR madam,
yes..... That is what any smart

girl does. The girl makes sure that her husband will pay for her education and help her to get her masters degree in the U S of A.

but not everyone does........thats the problem.....

 

[sankara_sharmah]

People need to take marriage very seriously. It should be viewed as a lifetime commitment. To facilitate that, enough care should be taken to find the right match and selection should be made for the right reasons and not for superficial ones like the status, wealth etc. But very unfortunately we find this superficial mindset beginning to pervade the society. Unless this mindset reverses we will find the marriage relationship very fragile and easily breakable.

So I think we should at least first try to bring the symptom under control even if we find the real problem formidable. In that direction getting a divorce should be made very difficult and dissuaded by law and any relationship other than marriage should be made illegal. By these and other forceful measures we thus not let the situation go out of control as it is happening in the west. It is like disciplining the children.

Then we can think of long term solutions by trying to educate the impressionable young generation especially about the importance of values and that only a principled life is the way to lasting happiness.

IMO the girls parents were right in a deeper sense because they do not want to give up on the marriage so easily but that sentiment unfortunately as I said would appear not sensible given the prevailing mindset of people. Only when people begin to see beyond the superficial they begin to appreciate such sentiments which are grounded in values.

Marriage is taken as a serious commitment all over the world. Just because there are a number of Divorces in the West, it does not mean that the society there does not take marriage seriously. Catholic religion does not permit divorce. Society has always tried to prevent break up of marriages. The catholic religion has tried for centuries to ensure that there are no divorces. But without success.

Divorce is one of the biggest trauma in one's life. Almost everyone who has gone through a Divorce needs psychological counselling. A cursory search on Google would reveal that. And there are also other serious consequences of a Divorce. No one opts for a divorce happily except people like Zsa Zsa Gabor.

The cost of the Divorces to the society is also huge. Many Indians seem to think that the the society in the West is happy about Divorces. The fact is they are not.

Let us not assume that Tamil Brahmins are the only people who value marriages.

Live in relationship is an attempt to address the problem of Divorce. Talking about Live-In relationship, it is a very serious affair. It is not a one night stand as many Indians would like to believe. The Live-In couple think that a marriage is a very serious relationship which should not be entered into unless one is sure about the chances of success.

What we in India especially the Tamil Brahmins are trying to do is to control the lives of their children. You arrange the marriage and think that you shoudl decide whether the marriage should continue or not.

The concerned girl should continue to suffer because the parents want to protect/preserve their standing in the society. This is total selfishness and has nothing to do with principles or values.

 

[renuka]

Marriage is taken as a serious commitment all over the world. Just because there are a number of Divorces in the West, it does not mean that the society there does not take marriage seriously. Catholic religion does not permit divorce. Society has always tried to prevent break up of marriages. The catholic religion has tried for centuries to ensure that there are no divorces. But without success.

Divorce is one of the biggest trauma in one's life. Almost everyone who has gone through a Divorce needs psychological counselling. A cursory search on Google would reveal that. And there are also other serious consequences of a Divorce. No one opts for a divorce happily except people like Zsa Zsa Gabor.

The cost of the Divorces to the society is also huge. Many Indians seem to think that the the society in the West is happy about Divorces. The fact is they are not.

Let us not assume that Tamil Brahmins are the only people who value marriages.

Live in relationship is an attempt to address the problem of Divorce. Talking about Live-In relationship, it is a very serious affair. It is not a one night stand as many Indians would like to believe. The Live-In couple think that a marriage is a very serious relationship which should not be entered into unless one is sure about the chances of success.

What we in India especially the Tamil Brahmins are trying to do is to control the lives of their children. You arrange the marriage and think that you shoudl decide whether the marriage should continue or not.

The concerned girl should continue to suffer because the parents want to protect/preserve their standing in the society. This is total selfishness and has nothing to do with principles or values.

Dear Sir,

I agree with what you wrote..we Indians of any caste somehow try to sweep lots of things under the carpet just for the sake of holding head high in society.

Many people suffer silently in unhappy marriages.

Partly our mindset is to blame..divorcees are still viewed negatively.

I remember when I was receiving proposals there was a family who is also mixed caste like me had proposed their son in marriage to my family.

During the vetting process of looking into family background etc we got to know that the
lady was a Tamilian married to a Punjabi.

It was her second marriage cos her marriage with her 1st husband( a Tamilian) did not work out and she remarried after the divorce.

My father did not accept the proposal cos he said he could not accept the fact to have a Sambandhi who had taken another husband after her divorce.

I felt that my father had judged a person just becos she was a divorcee.
My brother did ask my father what difference does that make if she had remarried..my father said he wanted a sambandhi whom he could have a high regard for.

That is our Indian mindset.

Children of divorcees here have a hard time getting life partners.

 

[renuka]

hi renu,

So basically long lasting does not mean happiness..its just like the stainless steel plates that can last a lifetime and take in all the dents and finally we get a dysfunctional plate!LOL

you are right...recently i met a guy....who completed his 25th yr marriage anniversaary....i asked abt his family journey....

he summed like wise....it was arranged marriage....so love started after maarage...it lasted abt initial 5 yrs...then he got

first child....after 5 yrs second child....the wife become mother more than a wife....she spends more time with children...

after some yrs...she was completely neglected her husband.....she became fulltime mother ...part time wife....

i asked how was last 25 yrs married life...he just replied....initially koncham kudithanam for first 5 yrs...then balance

20 years verum kuppai kottinen.....குப்பை கொட்டறது என்றல் வெறும் ஒரு அர்த்தம் இல்லாமல் தாம்பத்திய வாழ்கை ...

this is reality for many married guys now a days...

Dear TBS Garu,

This can happen to woman too..some men neglect their wives and expect them to stay faithful to them till death do us part!LOL

I feel both husband and wive should pay attention to each other so that no one feels left out.

Motherhood does not mean end of romance..in fact if both husband and wife share the responsibility of raising kids the husband won't feel neglected and wife also will feel appreciated.

 

[vgane]

I would like to share the story of another failed marriage...The difference is that in this I shall also give reasons for the failure

The Tambra girl is a qualified engineer from TN from middle class back ground who got married to another Engineer (from a wealthy Middle East background) working in USA...It was an arranged marriage celebrated with pomp & grandeur....

The girl accompanied the boy to USA...I do not have the details of Visa

Within 1 year the girl was sent back by the boy...

What could have gone wrong?

The boy is from decent back ground...Did he have vices?

Was he after any other girl?

Did the marriage get consummated?

Is the boy medically fit...Wsa he suffering from depression...

Does he have any ailment?

These were the thoughts in our minds

But the truth was different...It came out soon

The girl while studying in College had a fiancee who was fanatically in love with her

The girl shared her liking to her parents...

As he is from different caste & state/region the parents admonished the girl

The girl was put through a psycho counselling session & was made to forget the boy

As far as lover boy is concerned, he was spoken to and asked to forget the girl..Probably he asked for some money & was therefore given a neat sum so that he does not pursue her.

The parents got a good alliance for the girl & this chapter was forgotten

The smart lover boy took the money & came to US to pursue his advanced graduation

He soon got details of his lover

He got hold of her mob no ...Contacted her

One fine day he visited her at her home

The husband who noticed suspicious behaviour from his wife starting tracking her calls

Soon he noticed these numbers

He installed secret video at home

The girl was caught

She was sent back

My story ends here

Who is to be blamed in this?

I leave this to the group.

 

[renuka]

I would like to share the story of another failed marriage...The difference is that in this I shall also give reasons for the failure

The Tambra girl is a qualified engineer from TN from middle class back ground who got married to another Engineer (from a wealthy Middle East background) working in USA...It was an arranged marriage celebrated with pomp & grandeur....

The girl accompanied the boy to USA...I do not have the details of Visa

Within 1 year the girl was sent back by the boy...

What could have gone wrong?

The boy is from decent back ground...Did he have vices?

Was he after any other girl?

Did the marriage get consummated?

Is the boy medically fit...Wsa he suffering from depression...

Does he have any ailment?

These were the thoughts in our minds

But the truth was different...It came out soon

The girl while studying in College had a fiancee who was fanatically in love with her

The girl shared her liking to her parents...

As he is from different caste & state/region the parents admonished the girl

The girl was put through a psycho counselling session & was made to forget the boy

As far as lover boy is concerned, he was spoken to and asked to forget the girl..Probably he asked for some money & was therefore given a neat sum so that he does not pursue her.

The parents got a good alliance for the girl & this chapter was forgotten

The smart lover boy took the money & came to US to pursue his advanced graduation

He soon got details of his lover

He got hold of her mob no ...Contacted her

One fine day he visited her at her home

The husband who noticed suspicious behaviour from his wife starting tracking her calls

Soon he noticed these numbers

He installed secret video at home

The girl was caught

She was sent back

My story ends here

Who is to be blamed in this?

I leave this to the group.

Dear sir,

I need some clarification here...

Referring to the highlighted portion:

Probably he asked for some money & was therefore given a neat sum so that he does not pursue her.

The word Probable is used..

Next line is :

The smart lover boy took the money & came to US to pursue his advanced graduation

When we do not know for sure if he asked money..how do we know he took it?
Does not make sense right?

No self respecting man will fall for all this blank cheque given by girls family.

A self respecting man will show them the middle finger and walk off for trying to offer money to forget their daughter.

Further more what type of family will offer money cos this money offering runs a risk of black mail.

I somehow do not buy this story..it is making the guy seem like a villain here and the girl some innocent sweet thing.

I feel the proper story is the girl planned with her boyfriend to come to USA and to continue their relationship and may be she was planning to marry him eventually but she got caught much before that.

Well frankly speaking the girl should have told the prospective groom up front the truth and told him that she does not want to marry him cos she loves someone else.

She should not have ruined his life too and at the same time she and her boyfriend should have got married cos they were above the age of consent.

But I admire her boyfriend..he really loved her enough to get her back by hook or crook!

 

[tbs]

hi
like this story...the boy did masters in USA...good job in USA...he is very particular abt arranged marriage....the gal did

engineering in TN ....a prestigious college.....well off both parents...even political ministers attended in grand show marriage....

millions of rupees spent on lavish marriage....she had an affair in college....the boy is in chennai....the gal is H4....i know full story...

one fine day....i think valentine's day .....the boy saw the email from her previous lover...slowly susficious....daily problem...

ended in domestic violence....even she hit the boy....but local gal supported her for police actions....within 8 months....

everthing over....court case etc...i was invited for jury....but i rejected....the gal got friensdship from local neighbor,,,,

who is single mother...a divorcee...she spoiled this tamil gal....the boy left USA...got divorced in india.....the gal is still

in USA....all alone with local gal...now i dont have any contact....the sad story of the boy....a very religious boy...he said last

word......he has always think abt his parents wishes....in fact gal parents know the story before marriage....but they kept secret

and never told anything to the boy's parents....he loves his parents very much....the gal's parents cheated them....

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,

There might have been a master plan in this story by the girl and her boy-friend. I pity the poor guy who married that girl!

There are many stories of betrayal by girls. One of the close friends of my son, also an IITan, was well settled in the U S of A

with a good salary. His so called girl-friend took monetary help from him to find a good university to continue her studies

and he organized for everything including her air ticket. As soon as she landed there, he met her at the airport only to be greeted

by her with these words, 'You are so great, aNNaa! Even if had a real brother, he would not have helped me so much! I shall

never forget what all you have done for me!' and left with a better looking lover guy, who was also awaiting her arrival! That

'aNNaa' guy had to visit a psychiatrist a few times, to get rid of depression! Some girls are really very smart! hwell:

 

[SANDHYAV]

hmmm............, going to a lawyer the girl gets a bit of counselling any way. not going to a psychiatrist does not make the girl smart.
For a change in the first story i blame the girl.I think the girl showed her entire profile only after few months, and the boy puked, and both the boy and girl have enough money for a divorce and new life.

 

[P.J.]

Elders in those days used to cross check every thing about the girl/ her family back ground etc through various sources before finalizing an alliance.

 

[sravna]

Marriage is taken as a serious commitment all over the world.


I differ on this sir. The fact that many divorces are filed for flimsy reasons doesn't support your claim.

Just because there are a number of Divorces in the West, it does not mean that the society there does not take marriage seriously. Catholic religion does not permit divorce. Society has always tried to prevent break up of marriages. The catholic religion has tried for centuries to ensure that there are no divorces. But without success.

Divorce is one of the biggest trauma in one's life. Almost everyone who has gone through a Divorce needs psychological counselling. A cursory search on Google would reveal that. And there are also other serious consequences of a Divorce. No one opts for a divorce happily except people like Zsa Zsa Gabor.

At least now it is no longer a trauma that it used to be in India. Things can only get better, fortunately or unfortunately. Please don't mistake that I like to see people traumatized. But the fact is only when you were involved in the relationship you get that emotional reaction.

The cost of the Divorces to the society is also huge. Many Indians seem to think that the the society in the West is happy about Divorces. The fact is they are not.

Let us not assume that Tamil Brahmins are the only people who value marriages

West is not happy about divorces. But they are not sad about them either.

And the value that Tamil Brahmins attach to marriage is so pervasive in the community that one cannot find a single tamil brahmin who devalues marriage.


Live in relationship is an attempt to address the problem of Divorce. Talking about Live-In relationship, it is a very serious affair. It is not a one night stand as many Indians would like to believe. The Live-In couple think that a marriage is a very serious relationship which should not be entered into unless one is sure about the chances of success.

Can one be happy that it is not just a one night stand? Even an institution that is meant to be sacred and as a lifetime commitment can be desecrated in no time, how long is this live-in alternative going to last?

What we in India especially the Tamil Brahmins are trying to do is to control the lives of their children. You arrange the marriage and think that you shoudl decide whether the marriage should continue or not.

The concerned girl should continue to suffer because the parents want to protect/preserve their standing in the society. This is total selfishness and has nothing to do with principles or values.

Let us not put the blame squarely on one or the other. Each has a part. May be the parents wanted to protect their standing in society. But to tell that their act is totally selfish is an unsupported assertion.

 

[P.J.]

In case divorced parents have children, they suffer more than the divorced parents.
They are deprived of the affection either one of them. No amount of affection shown by grand parents or any relatives can possibly compensate the loss of affection from one of their parents.

 

[renuka]

Dear Renu,

There might have been a master plan in this story by the girl and her boy-friend. I pity the poor guy who married that girl!

There are many stories of betrayal by girls. One of the close friends of my son, also an IITan, was well settled in the U S of A

with a good salary. His so called girl-friend took monetary help from him to find a good university to continue her studies

and he organized for everything including her air ticket. As soon as she landed there, he met her at the airport only to be greeted

by her with these words, 'You are so great, aNNaa! Even if had a real brother, he would not have helped me so much! I shall

never forget what all you have done for me!' and left with a better looking lover guy, who was also awaiting her arrival! That

'aNNaa' guy had to visit a psychiatrist a few times, to get rid of depression! Some girls are really very smart! hwell:

Dear RR ji,

It is becos mothers these days are misguiding daughters too.
They teach them how to chase after only son's of well to do families..when these girls might not have equal standing in terms of status and education.

I know lots of Indian girls out here who hold small jobs and only want to marry a person earning at least RM 10,000 a month, owning a big car, having an posh apartment etc.

They do not want to contribute a single cent to the house and want to spend off their own salary but the husband has to fork out everything for the family.

Becos of this many girls are still unmarried hoping to catch a big fish!

They just want to walk into luxury.

Even now when I go out and people meet me and my son...some women have told me "Doc make your son also a doc and get him married to my daughter and since he is the only child all your property will eventually be my daughters"

See how mother's these days think?

 

[renuka]

Can one be happy that it is not just a one night stand? Even an institution that is meant to be sacred and as a lifetime commitment can be desecrated in no time, how long is this live-in alternative going to last?

Dear Sravna,

These days everything comes with an expiry date..the only advantage of a marriage is the children are not born out of the wedlock and for legal purposes they can inherit property.

Otherwise I feel there is not much difference between a live in relationship and marriage.
It is still two people sharing their life on daily basis.

The difference being that the married one is legally committed and the live in relationship is NOT legally committed..that's all.

Frankly I do not really feel marriage is sacred or not sacred.
I don't think it is a holy or an unholy institution.

Marriage is a contract for the continuation of species.

 

[prasad1]

Marriage is taken as a serious commitment all over the world. Just because there are a number of Divorces in the West, it does not mean that the society there does not take marriage seriously. Catholic religion does not permit divorce. Society has always tried to prevent break up of marriages. The catholic religion has tried for centuries to ensure that there are no divorces. But without success.

Divorce is one of the biggest trauma in one's life. Almost everyone who has gone through a Divorce needs psychological counselling.

The cost of the Divorces to the society is also huge. Many Indians seem to think that the the society in the West is happy about Divorces. The fact is they are not.

Let us not assume that Tamil Brahmins are the only people who value marriages.

Live in relationship is an attempt to address the problem of Divorce. Talking about Live-In relationship, it is a very serious affair. It is not a one night stand as many Indians would like to believe. The Live-In couple think that a marriage is a very serious relationship which should not be entered into unless one is sure about the chances of success.

What we in India especially the Tamil Brahmins are trying to do is to control the lives of their children. You arrange the marriage and think that you shoudl decide whether the marriage should continue or not.

The concerned girl should continue to suffer because the parents want to protect/preserve their standing in the society. This is total selfishness and has nothing to do with principles or values.

Sir,
It looks like TB's have their head buried in the sand. Fortunately the Indian constitution framers were not TBs. These TBs would have prescribed slavery for the girls. Sati would be still accepted. Divorcee or widows would be treated like lepers, and shunned from society.

We will never know the true reason for most of the divorce, as we are not sitting in the divorce court room. So why speculate on the reason for failed marriage?
Let us say we had a painting worth crores of rupees, your 5 year old child accidentally poured paint over it, and destroyed the painting. Would you be still debating the reason of why your child behaved that way? Should we be discussing the punishment that should be meted out to the child?

Or accept that accident happened, and that the blame lies with you also.

When there is no mutual respect in a marriage, that marriage for all practical purpose is broken. It is like a mirror is shattered into small bits, you can glue all the pieces together like a jigsaw puzzel, but you can not see the correct image. On the other hand if the glaze is gone from one end you can still see image on other parts.

A marriage is a "bundhan" of misery if there is no respect.
A marriage should bring happiness to both parties MOST of the time.

 

[sravna]

Dear Sravna,

These days everything comes with an expiry date..the only advantage of a marriage is the children are not born out of the wedlock and for legal purposes they can inherit property.

Otherwise I feel there is not much difference between a live in relationship and marriage.
It is still two people sharing their life on daily basis.

The difference being that the married one is legally committed and the live in relationship is NOT legally committed..that's all.

Frankly I do not really feel marriage is sacred or not sacred.
I don't think it is a holy or an unholy institution.

Marriage is a contract for the continuation of species.

Dear Renuka and Shri Prasad,

The fact that marriage is not sacred is today's situation. It was meant to be sacred.

Right now we are living on the periphery of reality and so the spiritual underpinnings are not obvious to us. We will see and are in fact seeing many such breakdowns of such purposeful systems and the emergence of inane ones in the name of liberty and equality.

Who are these people kidding? Do they really think that equality and liberty in the real sense are guaranteed in the so called liberal societies? It is simply not enough to make utterances. Woman does not become equal to a man by donning the attire he does or by say, accomplishing a task that is a man's. I would respect someone more when he does something that I cannot do more than when he does what I can do. So the idea is to earn EQUAL RESPECT. I think that is what equality is really about.

Women in India have not been short of respect in the past. Of course some evil practices happened but every civilization has a dark period. Those were the dark days of India. IMO there is far more evil that is practiced now in the name of pragmatism and that has in fact been institutionalized. They are not as evident as say a sati is but certainly no less deleterious.

It is not the TB alone who are burying their head in the sand but a whole lot of others who can do nothing but to play along with those who run the evil and corrupt system.

 

[prasad1]

The fact that marriage is not sacred is today's situation. It was meant to be sacred.

Do you mean to tell me that marriage was there between man and women in antiquity?
Animals live and prosper, and continue their species without this "ceremony". Marriage is a binding created by mankind. Other animals form similar bond for survival of their species.
I agree with renuka's position that there is nothing sacred in a manmade rule.

 

[Raji Ram]

.... It looks like TB's have their head buried in the sand. Fortunately the Indian constitution framers were not TBs. These TBs would have prescribed slavery for the girls. Sati would be still accepted. Divorcee or widows would be treated like lepers, and shunned from society............

Objection your honour! Tambram girls are no more slaves. They have become very bold!

Dear Renu! Please go through the Tamil matrimony site and check the partner preferences of girls.

Then you will understand. Sati has vanished long back. Tambram widows are seen on stage when

their son or daughter gets married. They dress up nicely like any other lady! You are talking about

the previous generation! If a boy's parents happen to be orthodox, the number of alliances reduce

to a great extent. That is trend the of the day! Actually boys are scared to get married! :fear: