Are seniors (whose children are in the US) taken for granted?

[padders]

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Oh dear! I seem to have opened up a can of worms. Of course, grandparents are indeed blessed if they have grandkids around, and vice versa. That was not the point of my post. I am not a grandparent, but I know how deep this attachment can be. People like PJ sir and Shri Kumar are indeed blessed to be with their grandkids. I merely observed that many elderly people make this trip unwillingly just to be of help to their children, but they'd much rather be home with their own friends and neighbors. I don't know how many young people read this forum,but I just wish they'd see things from the other side. They may be excellent sons or daughters, very loving to their parents, but still taking them for granted in this one respect.
To be honest, I too am guilty of "overpowering love." This point was brought home to me when my son told his (non-Indian/American/Western) friends that he now got hot meals because mom was at home. They were surprised and said when their parents come to visit, they expect the son/daughter to do the cooking! They jokingly said Indian moms are the best!

 

[prasad1]

Paddersji,

I am sure you do not know of the number of elderly parents who were lonely with no independent source of income being cared for by their children. No babysitting and elderly sick parents being cared for by their children.

It works both ways, so instead of feeling sorry for the elderly parents that you see as suffering, may be they are getting the care they deserve. In USA a green card holder or even a citizen who has not contributed, will not get Medical help without paying full price.

 

[P.J.]

prasadji ,
you are right; we take Medical Insurance here in US to cover for some not very urgent ailments, but in case the of serious illness, we have no other option except to go back to India for Medical Treatment.

In that case, to keep the Green Card Alive, we have to apply for Re Entry Permit, First time they give for 2 years, and for the second time application , one year period is given.

For Dental care, Separate medical cover is necessary.

So far by God's grace, nothing serious has happened either to me or to my wife , and who knows when and what will happen in future?

 

[P.J.]

Oh dear! I seem to have opened up a can of worms. Of course, grandparents are indeed blessed if they have grandkids around, and vice versa. That was not the point of my post. I am not a grandparent, but I know how deep this attachment can be. People like PJ sir and Shri Kumar are indeed blessed to be with their grandkids. I merely observed that many elderly people make this trip unwillingly just to be of help to their children, but they'd much rather be home with their own friends and neighbors. I don't know how many young people read this forum,but I just wish they'd see things from the other side. They may be excellent sons or daughters, very loving to their parents, but still taking them for granted in this one respect.
To be honest, I too am guilty of "overpowering love." This point was brought home to me when my son told his (non-Indian/American/Western) friends that he now got hot meals because mom was at home. They were surprised and said when their parents come to visit, they expect the son/daughter to do the cooking! They jokingly said Indian moms are the best!

padderji,

These things depend upon individual's mind; i have seen a few old couple who do not wish to leave their home for a longer period, even though their sons/ daughters are in India , living in the same City, calling them to stay with them, but since the couple are used to their own way of life , they refuse to go and stay with them.

They must have their own income, to maintain their regular needs plus medical emergencies; If some close relatives live in the nearby locality, they can be very much helpful when needed.

in our case , we have our own income sufficient enough to maintain our expenses.

 

[Nara]

The 'thaNNi kApi' the children drink will never be tasty for these mAmAs.

These mamas are stuck up. I just don't know how you people can drink the coffee you people make, chicory, yuk. If you shop for coffee beans assiduously, and make the coffee with proper equipment, and use proper truly organic milk, coffee you can make in the U.S. is just superb, infinitely more blissful than the sugary brown liquid that passes for coffee in Singara Chennai's Brahmin homes, and that is my considered fact

 

[P.J.]

There are parents who have only daughters, and when father in law of their daughter stays with her, parents of the girl may find it a bit difficult and adjust to live with them.

In such cases, parents may stay in their place, and occasionally will visit their daughters.

There are some sons who wish to share the joy of parents staying with them, so the parents rotate between two or three sons.

I may say that we are not very lucky since our daughter stays in UK, whereas we stay with our son in US; so we see our daughter/ our grandsons in UK only once in two years or so!!

 

[padders]

#27 and #28:
Prasadji and PJ sir:Indeed, I am well aware of these issues and don't mean to belittle anyone. I know many old people who have got green cards and have made the US their home along with their children and grandchildren, all existing harmoniously. This is actually the ideal situation.
But my post was made after hearing complaints from at least three people I know (not those with green cards but visitors) who just want to get back home as fast as possible. After the initial excitement, they settle down to a mundane routine of cooking/looking after the kids, etc. Maybe it is an individual experience, and more the exception than the rule. I don't know.
By no means did I imply that parents should be selfish or unhelpful. But neither should the children. It works both ways. Both parents and their children have to give each other space and not take each other for granted. That was the whole point of my post. If parents go voluntarily, that's fine.

 

[Raji Ram]

These mamas are stuck up. I just don't know how you people can drink the coffee you people make, chicory, yuk. ..........

Now you got it Prof Sir, why I say 'spirited' drinks are :yuck: ??

Taste differs! :hungry:

 

[P.J.]

Padderji

Tell me what we should do when our son and daughter are away? If we opt to stay in India , as i said earlier, there will be a time when one of us will leave; then the other one should decide to stay alone in India or stay in old age home or choose to stay with Son in US.

UK is not giving any Green Card and getting Citizenship there is almost impossible nowadays.
US is giving Green Card to parents of with certain conditions like , if we leave US, we are to be back in US within 180 days and that seems to be very fair.

We have all Tamil TV Channels , Netflix to see all Hollowood movies and documentaries, Wii games with sports plus to do Exercise, Skype to see all our close relatives any where; only thing we miss is going to our Traditional Temples.
We miss attending Functions like Marriages, Ayush Homams etc.but we are seeing the photos of the function later on.


There is a Hindu Temple in almost every US city with our Sasthrigal who can converse in Tamil, Telugu, Kanndam, also in some Cities Gurudwara, Tamil Sangam, Telugu Sangam ( although we are not member of any of them ) Tamil/ Telugu/Hindi Movies on Theaters including new movies, Bal Vikas Classes conducted by Chinmaya Mission for kids, Bowling, Casino, and other Entertainment Malls; also Very Fast Internet connection, and we can see most Tamil Movies in Net.

I spend time going with my grand children to their various classes like Soccer, Swimming, and take them to nearby Park for them to spend time in Swing, slides etc

Even Grand snack Sweets and Karams are available in Indian Stores here, Chat Items in Gujarati Shops!!
Idly /Dosa Batter is available in Indian Store; Temple Sasthrigal, can conduct any Rituals either coming to our home or at the Temple itself.

This November 2013, we are planning to perform the Upanayanam of our Grandsons here in US; Facility to do that is available in the Hindu Temple here , we will show the function in WEB for those who are not in US.


The life here is almost a routine one, morning and evening walk is very easy, very clean air, and Climate is not hot like Chennai; plus loving grand children !!

What more can we expect?

 

[Raji Ram]

Oh dear! I seem to have opened up a can of worms. ......

I should thank Sri. Praveen for moving this thread from chit chat to G D forum, as per my request!

F Y I Padmini, this is how each thread grows in G D forum!

 

[Raji Ram]

Now my experience at a coffee shop in Boston!

My son advised me to ask for latte coffee so as to get a nearer taste of Sing. Chennai coffee, when we were to travel to Philly by train.

I told Ram that I shall order this time because I know what to ask for! Agreed. I asked girl with a big grin on her face at the coffee

shop, with confidence, 'Two latte coffees please!' She asked something which I heard 'kimshugA?'. Oh, my! Clean bowled.... I ran back

to Ram for help. He could make out that the girl was asking about cream and sugar to be added in the coffee!

P.S: Are you not reminded of a scene at the coffee shop, from the movie 'English Vinglish'?

English Vinglish - Theatrical Trailer

 

[kkumar29]

Hi Padmini,

Your statement "Are seniors (whose children are in the US) taken for granted?" encouraged me to post. I think all children take their parents for granted. Parents are the only people who will love you no matter who you are, what you are. You can be yourself with them, without having to put on a front of being politically correct. Unfortunately when I moved out of India I did not have the financial strength to get them to visit me frequently and they too were sitting on their high horse and saying I will not be dependent on my son. How I wish I had all the facilities that are available now, then. Regarding my daughter taking me for granted, I consider that a privilege. I have spent my entire life making sure that she gets a good life, so why should that change now. To me nothing is more important.

When you have a grandchild the world view will change completely. Mark my words.

Cheers,
K. Kumar

 

[padders]

Yes, indeed, Raji, I've seen how it's grown hands and feet!

 

[padders]

Shri Kumar,
yes, I guess perspectives do change when we become grandparents! Waiting for that day!

 

[padders]

Pj sir, I absolutely agree with what you say.and if you're a permanent resident, you can have a full and active life.
Perhaps I've jumped the gun, but my post was not meant for folks like you, sir! Nor should it be taken personally.
cheers!
padders

 

[Nara]

Now you got it Prof Sir, why I say 'spirited' drinks ar

Taste differs!

Well, well, I am not a coffee extremist, I have no problem serving the nonsense that Chennai coffee is if that is what you prefer. But you don't want even a whiff of it that I enjoy. So, my dear Mrs. RR, there is no equivalency between our views, sorry.....

 

[P.J.]

Paddersji

Each family has there own tie ups, and in these days no one can stay for a longer period with sister/brother's family even if one is ready to pay for every thing.

old Couples or a single old person staying alone in Chennai or in any other City is always risky; old age homes may not suit everyone even if it has many facilities.

Health related cost is very high in Europe/US/Australia and India is best for it; so in case of serious illness there is no other way except to come back to India for Medical treatment; for that Re Entry permit can be used.

Instead of Visiting friends, relatives,Temples and doing nothing, it is better to be useful when one is old; this is my thoughts on this.

 

[mkrishna100]

Instead of Visiting friends, relatives,Temples and doing nothing, it is better to be useful when one is old; this is my thoughts on this.

:clap2:
I would add better to be useful at all stages of your life so that you are welcome everywhere and no one considers you a burden .

 

[P.J.]

Agreed mkrishna; as this op is about Seniors spending time with their Grand Children in US, i was writing that in old age it is better to be useful.

 

[mkrishna100]

Agreed mkrishna; as this op is about Seniors spending time with their Grand Children in US, i was writing that in old age it is better to be useful.

PJ Sir

I get your point but wanted to state that you just cant be suddenly useful at Old age one fine morning unless u develop that trait right from young age .I have seen many old people in my own family who are basically good people but a big nuisance as they are dependent on almost everything on others ( like wife , husband as the case may be or children and servants ) and they have not learned to be self reliant right from a young age and the problem is when they grow old they are a burden both to themselves as well as to others and such people are never happy either in India or in USA/UK/Canada .
Life is a continuous learning journey and retirement is only for the job we do but not for life and we must constantly keep learning and evolving ourselves as much as we can ( at least till we are physcially and mentally sound and healthy ) so that we are a less of a burden to others and more useful to them .
I will later share case of how lack of self reliance in simple things by old people is causing bitterness in many familes .

 

[Raji Ram]

........1. I think all children take their parents for granted. Parents are the only people who will love you no matter who you are, what you are. .........
2. When you have a grandchild the world view will change completely. Mark my words.

Dear Kumar Sir,

I beg to differ in two points:

1. Not all children CAN take their parents for granted. The parents should have a good heart filled with

unconditional love for children!

2. I have already given two examples of grandparents - living in India and living in the U S of A.

 

[Raji Ram]

Well, well, I am not a coffee extremist, I have no problem serving the nonsense that Chennai coffee is if that is what you prefer. .....

hwell: ..... That shows your generosity which I don't possess! :lol:
As you consider Chennai coffee as nonsense, I consider spirited drinks as nonsense! :decision:

 

[Raji Ram]

.... I would add better to be useful at all stages of your life so that you are welcome everywhere and no one considers you a burden .

Should I add the usefulness includes visiting friends and relatives too? :grouphug:

 

[Raji Ram]

..... I will later share case of how lack of self reliance in simple things by old people is causing bitterness in many familes .

Dear Krishna Sir,

I guess it all depends on the 'lady of the house' when it comes to bringing parents to their residence!

I have seen a few cases in which the parents were allowed to stay with the son till the father was alive. Once the father

left this world, mother was sent to the daughters to be taken care of! Very few Ds I L get along well with their Ms I L!! :sad:

 

[mkrishna100]

Dear Raji Madam

I am not right now bringing the issue of MIL or DIL . I just want to highlight the fact that many people suffer a lot in Old age as they become too dependent on others for even simple things and that causes lot of frustration and bitterness in the family .
I will just point out a case related to a friend of mine .
His father is 65 years or so and his mother was 60 . His mother had to have a heart operation .They have 2 children both males one ( my friend ) in early 30s working in USA as a software consultant and another is a younger brother working in an IT firm in India 26 years or so and both are unmarried . This is the family set up . Now due to this heart operation this lady had some of her sisters coming to her assistance for few days and all of them are 60+ and they did their best ( leaving their respective families ) and my friend also with great difficulty took 2 weeks leave from his work and attended his mom as best as he can . It was very good for 2-3 weeks and then she was also discharged and was well taken care of at home . Later her son had to leave for USA , the sisters also had to leave to attend to their respective families .
Now this women ,her husband and this other son are there at home .
This lady cant cook or not supposed to cook for few more weeks till she is completely healed . Now who will do the day to day cooking etc as the younger brother also has to leave for work early and he comes late at night ( typical IT Worker in Chennai ) . This is where the husband proved to be too useless . He hardly knows how to light a gas stove , boil water / milk , leave alone boiling rice . He is very afraid and shaky even to enter the kitchen . He has been all along used to only ordering and getting things done and he had his way .
They were forced to hire a cook but the cooks were very unpredictable and created a very big headache and they tried experimenting 2-3 cooks and all turned out to be useless and unpredictable and they decided to stop hiring cooks .
Then they ordered food from the hotel or outside caterer daily but it was not good for this lady who is not supposed to take spicy food and she needs specially prepared non spicy food . She needs simple kanji , curd rice and very mild cooked vegetables only which any simple cook can do and her husband could not do a simple boiling of water and milk for her .
Finally the lady forced herself to cook inspite of the Doctors warning her not to strain .
This led to lot of tensions between them and the wife told it is high time he learns this ( i.e simple cooking ) as now it is ok but what will he do if she dies .
The last I heard from my friend was that his father is reluctant to take some simple responsibilities understanding the seriousness of the situation and daily there is a fight between him and his mother .
My take is right now this person is 65 years .No one knows how long he / his wife will live .Suppose he dies soon , no problem but if he continues to live for 85 years , does he mean to say the next 20 years he is going to live like this being dependent on others ? Even if his sons get married there is no guarantee they will stay with him with the DIL cooking for him and his wife .
No one expects him to do an arusuvai samayal but at least he must know to do some simple things like boiling water , boiling milk , boiling rice etc .
This looks a very trivial issue but I see this as a source of big problem in many elderly couples in India especially in Chennai where they are staying alone with Children in USA /UK /Canada etc .
This is just one case and more I will share later .