Dilemma on Marriage when parents are very orthodox

[navy-eswaran]

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dear all
this is why i put a post explaining why boys are not getting a match. please read http://www.tamilbrahmins.com/showthread.php?t=8624
the boy wants everything favourable to him in this age. unlike the old days when Marriage was to dump a girl (i wanted to use the word kick out the girl from home) to avoid SOLPECHU from other madisar mamas in the society, now it is a PARTNERSHIP. buddy you have to cross half the bridge if you want to meet the girl. we all talk about "Periyaval" and run to Kanchi every month, but seldom heed to his advice.(about pattu,pattu mami)(among other things like simple wedding/feeding to poor etc)
the girl has also feelings,needs,likes,dislikes,hobbies,relations,honour,self respect and more brains. Just see around you and recollect how your mother who had little formal education and came from a village ran the house with pittance received from your father.
lastly i do hope and pray that you get a nice girl as a wife and prosper in life.
best wishes and pranam
navy-eswaran

 

[Raji Ram]

Time has changed. Groom's parents are nicknamed as the last of the navagrahams, by the modern girls!! :dizzy:

That is why I always think, "Blessed are the parents who DON'T depend on their sons for financial aid''!

 

[Janaki Jambunathan]

Time has changed. Groom's parents are nicknamed as the last of the navagrahams, by the modern girls!! :dizzy:

That is why I always think, "Blessed are the parents who DON'T depend on their sons for financial aid''!

It is also true " Blessed are the children whose Parents dont mess up their Maariage"

 

[krish44]

Why is everyone discouraging Sri S. Puranam.?

This over reaction phase from girls is a passing phase.

When they get tired of not getting suitable matches , they might turn inwards and try to take the available boys in brahmin caste and try to remould them to their

requirements.

some are getting taken for a ride in self made relationships with boys.

All girls are vulnerable at sometime or other.

At that time they turn extra reasonable and may opt for a traditional person.

Strange things happen in life.

Marriage is one of them.

When sparks fly , it is always between improbable people.

I know one Mod delhi doctor -a tamil brahmin iyengar girl who ended up marrying a tamil brahmin boy well educated scientist in atomic energy . He had a tuft. Yes

tuft kept out of conviction . She married him . She thought his education and brilliance compensated his tuft.In two years she made him part with his tuft and changed

his dress to jeans and T shirts. He now looks mod and hen pecked now



.

 

[Raji Ram]

I am not discouraging SP, Krish Sir! After looking for alliances for highly educated and well placed boys in our family circle,

I write what we have experienced. It is rare to find orthodox female with a doctorate degree because even when a degree holder

joins a BPO and starts earning, she becomes a liberated woman and demands a man with six digit salary /month, as her match!

Please check the matrimony sites and find out!

BTW, get a good match for SP. I shall await the 'lunch meeting' at my sweet home!

 

[Raji Ram]

........... I know one Mod delhi doctor -a tamil brahmin iyengar girl who ended up marrying a tamil brahmin boy well educated scientist in atomic energy . He had a tuft. Yes

tuft kept out of conviction . She married him . She thought his education and brilliance compensated his tuft.In two years she made him part with his tuft and changed

his dress to jeans and T shirts. He now looks mod and hen pecked now.

Rusi kaNda poonai sonnapadi kEtkum!! :hail:

 

[shunyampurnam]

I request everyone to please read post #7 and post #18 (I am not allowed to give links). I had posted them before this thread got derailed but they seem to have appeared only now because of moderation. I regret now that I was not very clear in my articulation of what type of suggestions I am looking for when I started this thread. My apologies for my mistake.

It is clear to me that my parents and I will have to make compromises. So repeating again and again that there is no girl who is orthodox and is simultaneously well-educated does absolutely nothing to help me. I knew this long before my parents ever started the topic of marriage. My question to the ladies and elders in this forum is what type of expectations are acceptable.

Let me given an example. Dressing; It seems that most females feel any type of restriction placed on their dressing made by their husband or in-laws as sexist. If my parents had their way, my future wife would only be allowed to wear a sari or a salwar kameez when going out and a nightie when at home. Mini-Skirts, t-shirts and jeans will probably be banned. I have female friends who wear a combination of a loose t-shirt or a kurti and loose jeans. Some even add a shawl. According to me this dress no more or no less modest than a salwar kameez and I think it is quite elegant (especially if the shawl is nice!). And I could definitely convince my parents that there is nothing wrong with dressing this way. I am sure there are many Iyer girls who would not find it sexist if I demand that they are not allowed to wear mini-skirts or tight jeans or tight t-shirts or tops that show the arms fully but everything else is fine. I think this is a sensible and intelligent compromise. But as I had mentioned before, I do not know much about what is seen as acceptable as I studied in an insular institution where I had a sum total of three female Tamil Brahmin friends. This might be seen as very sexist (and in fact will be seen that way by some of my female friends) by Iyer girls.

I am asking specifically what are the expectations on my side that are not considered draconian and sexist by females today. If you look at marriage profiles they do not seem to deal with such issues. Most marriage profiles literally have no data more than information that a girl is available for marriage. These are hardly profiles with detailed hobbies, likes and dislikes, and expectations that actually have consequences in day to day interaction. Most girls just write only about income, height and educational qualification. Few of them write things like broad minded, honest, open, supportive. These are the important expectations. I feel that maybe they want to defer the important questions to when they meet a prospective groom personally. But according to me, at this stage, people operate on instinct and do not really choose rationally. For instance, if I were to meet a prospective bride personally ("arranged date"!) and I dress the way I usually dress for my lectures, simple shirt, simple pant and vibuthi everywhere on my forehead, a modern Iyer girl might reject me solely for my dressing style. Now I can't really blame her. Girls and boys alike are attracted to stylishly dressed people. It is possible that in terms of conversation, I might have been the most interesting 'date' she had but she would still not marry me for reasons that will utterly not matter in day-to-day interaction. On the other hand, the same girl with the same exact conversation might accept me if I wore a dress shirt, tucked in and no vibuthi. People automatically assume that anyone who wears simple clothing and so much vibuthi on forehead cannot possibly be broad-minded and will be draconian. This is fallacious argument and I am slightly annoyed that many people in this forum are accusing my parents of being incorrigible and obstinate just because they are orthodox and old-fashioned. Orthodoxy and broad-mindedness are not mutually exclusive. My parents are wonderful people. Every single person in my class (most of my class were Tamil Brahmins) were forced to study engineering by their parents. One of them wanted to be a Paleontologist but his parents were not supportive so he ended up studying bio-technology. My parents told me I can study what ever I want and take how much ever time I want as well for studies. So I have a Ph.D. in pure mathematics. Even now my parents agreed to wait some more time for marriage so that I can do postdoctoral research. I have time till next April and they told they will not give me any more time (I will be 28 by April). They said they have no problem if I get married a few years later but they want to start looking next April so that they feel secure. Since my parents have been so good to me, it is not right that I prioritize only my wants and expectations in a bride just because they are old-fashioned. That is why I started this thread. So I urge people to please refrain from unnecessary name-calling my parents. It adds nothing to the discussion and helps me in no way to resolve my problem. Since most most people in this forum are elder to me, I apologize in advance but please read Matthew 7:5.

 

[GNANA SUNYAM]

Thank you all for replies! ..........

Any more viewpoints are most welcome.

dear shunyampurnam,

i am still confused about your requirements.

there are numerous brahmin girls i know from different language backgrounds and i can suggest them for you.

i showed them your post and almost every one of them is confused and are unclear about what you want.

many of them commented, 'koozhukkum aasai meesaikkum aasai'.

none of them want to observe madi, pathu, theettu etc. however they can keep the home neat, clean and tidy. they can be at peace with you, adjust with you if you adjust with them over minor differences. almost every one of them want to do away with rituals but they wish to hold on to meaningful, sensible traditions and customs. unlike women of mid-twenties they freely mingle with men short of falling in love or romance, they are broadminded, they honor parents and would respect in-laws provided the in-laws do not interfere in their personal matters and wishes. neither would they interfere in others personal matters.

please let me know your opinion sir.

 

[GNANA SUNYAM]

sir,

further to my post #32, please be specific sir.

are you particular about mother-tongue, sect, sub-sect etc.

would you mind if the girl is older than you and/or more qualified than you?

would you accept if one of the parent of the girl is not brahmin?

would you mind if the girl is westernized brahmin girl?

are you particular that horoscopes should match?

 

[shunyampurnam]

Unfortunately my posts are appearing very late because of moderation and people are not seeing them as the discussion has moved to a different page. I have tried to be more clear on what my dilemma actually is in posts #7 and post #18. I personally would we be absolutely delighted if a girl who is more qualified than me is willing to marry me. I am indifferent to the other factors you have mentioned also except for age. Even brahmin does not matter as long she is pure veg and does not smoke drink or gamble. I know this is irrational but somehow girls older than me make me uncomfortable. I don't know why but I think just social conditioning. But my parents will have a problem with the factors you have mentioned. Please do read my earlier posts to get a sense of what I am driving at.

sir,

further to my post #32, please be specific sir.

are you particular about mother-tongue, sect, sub-sect etc.

would you mind if the girl is older than you and/or more qualified than you?

would you accept if one of the parent of the girl is not brahmin?

would you mind if the girl is westernized brahmin girl?

are you particular that horoscopes should match?

 

[a-TB]

Thank you all for replies!

@krish44 I have a Ph.D. in Matheamtics and am currently working as a faculty in a prestigious institution. I am 27 years old.
@Raji Ram I am NOT expecting abrahmin doctorate girl with madi and acharam! I agree there is none. Nowhere did I say that in my post I am looking for this magical unicorn. You have misunderstood my dilemma.
@tbs and a-TB you have also misunderstood my dilemma.

Let me try articulate my dilemma more clearly. Here is the exhaustive list of my expectations and my parents.

Parents: Orthodox girl.
Me: Ph.D. + interesting and varied hobbies.

Also me expecting a girl with a Ph.D. is for a rather stupid reason. I did my Ph.D in an insular research institution where 90% of my friends where are also doing a Ph.D. Even more so, all the female friends I have had after high-school are Ph.D. scholars (my UG was done in an all boys college). All the female faculty in the institution I am working in are also obviously researchers and most of them are my mothers age. Furthermore, all my female cousins are significantly older than me and I do not have a female sibling. In short, I literally have had no interaction with females of my age who are not researchers. So the requirements of a Ph.D. is there only for familiarity sake. I would be glad to marry is a girl who is a commerce student or an engineer or an arts student who also has interesting hobbies that have some similarities with my hobbies. There are literally no other expectations on my side. Don't care about social/economic status or looks/height/weight/complexion and other things are usually mentioned in marriage profiles. This is something that surprisingly my parents and I both agree upon. Of course, my parents would expect horoscope matching and girl younger than me but 90% of the girls on matrimonial websites make these demands so I am not mentioning them.

My dilemma is more on what compromises to make as krish44 seems to have understood. But I find krish44's answer slight unhelpful as I already know that I cannot have the cake and eat it too! My question is how exactly to do a tight rope walk? To put it in abstract terms, how do I intelligently compromise so that I find a girl who simultaneously satisfy these three conditions:

[1]. She is happy marrying me for who I am.

[2]. I am happy marrying her for who she is.

[3]. My parents are happy that she and I are getting married.

a-TB says that everything in my profile is a liability and so according to him there is no girl who satisfies condition [1]. tbs says that I have unrealistic conditions and should be a bhramachari. tbs seem to be to be of the view that there is no girl who will satisfy condition [2]. Raji Ram says that there is no girl who satisfies condition [2] and [3] simultaneously (which is actually rather obvious as magical unicorns don't exist!).

Any more viewpoints are most welcome.

SP: Something does not add up. Is your post mainly about how you manage your parents expectations? - No general advice is possible then.

Is it mainly about finding someone as a wife?
If so, can you state why you want to get married (saying for the sake of parents is lame )? What do you have to offer a woman who want to think about marrying you (your phd is meaningless for this, it is not a job application) ?

If you want to stay unmarried, there is no need for a thread of discussion

 

[krish44]

Sorry SP the thread has taken a different turn since your subsequent posts got loaded later and details about you were not clear to me.

!.My interest in your CV was plainly to assess your academic and job profile , along with interests and hobbies which form the basis of selection of any groom.

2. you are ready to cast your net wide and accept girls who are well educated in disciplines of commerce, engg or arts.

3. your parents are orthodox and have expectations of the girl observing some acharams . Your concern is the girl is acceptable to your parents.All boys whether their

parents are orthodox or liberal have this expectation


4.Everyone wants to marry a girl for what she is and vice versa.

5.Most traditional families believe in star and horoscope match.

6.You are 27yrs old . So age is on your side.

You are like all boys except your fear is parents are orthodox and not liberal.

So what?

There are many girls in matrimonial forum who indicate that their family is orthodox.

but the economic strata to which the girl belongs becomes a consideration.

It is generally found that parent in professions such as sanskrit teachers,sastrigal , or from rural areas with less exposure to modern living still retain their orthodox

life style. Urbanisation and exposure to attractions of modern living changes the mindset of people.

It would be a good idea if you narrow your search to a limited circle acceptable to your parents first. you might add your requirements of education and job hobbies

and interests.

dilution can take place on subsects . Your sect preferance might be OK. But you could extend it to iyengars also, Avoid girls from metros and concentrate on small

towns and rural backgrounds in the age group 22-26 yrs.

You are exaggerating the orthodox bit. It is just one more criterion. It is not a crime that your parents are orthodox. the rigours of orthodoxy can be reduced but cannot

be done away with. We cannot choose our parents . We can definitely choose girl we want to marry based on our specs and desires and hoping to balance parents and

wife. All do that and I am sure you can also.

with best wishes

 

[shunyampurnam]

It is not about how to manage my parents expectations. That part I can take care. But rather which of my parents are reasonable and which are not. Even 30 years ago my parents expectations would have seemed extremely liberal and generous. They and I both don't care about height/weight/looks and economic status. Eventually my parents will have to compromise on some of their expectations and I will have to compromise on mine as well. Is it not wiser to figure out what compromises have to be made even before one starts searching for a bride? It seems from some of the replies that so many people have a laundry list of expectations and by trial and error compromise one by one till they get married. I just want to do this reduction of expectation intelligently instead of by trial and error. I should have made this clear right at the opening post. My apologies for being unclear on the opening post. I made it look as if my parents and I are completely rigid. This is untrue. Please read some of my earlier posts which should start appearing one by one to get a sense of what I mean by intelligently reduce on expectation.

And regarding on why I want to get married. I had mentioned this, I want to get married because happiness multiplies when you have someone special to share it with. And of course parents happiness also plays a major role but this may not be a lame reason. A significantly large number people do get married because there parents are forcing them. Of course this does not imply that it is not a lame reason. Can you tell me a non-lame reason for getting married? I am not sure there are any! It is a matter of perspective of what is a lame reason and what is not.

What do I have to offer? I am not sure what to answer expect saying it depends on what you mean. From marriage profiles of girls, all I can glean is a girl's material expectation and in a few profiles certain personality expectations like broad-minded, open, honest, supportive. I can only say whether I can offer these or not. Most girls expect a professional qualification (specifically B.Tech or MBA or BE or CA from what I understand of the term professional). I don't have this qualification. I am not conformable talking about income and other stuff in a public forum but I will just say that girls will probably not reject me for my income but rather for my parents orthodoxy and my eccentricity.

Regarding personality requirements, I am not sure. Am I am a broad-minded? I don't know; It is completely subjective. My close friends who are atheists and nihilists consider me broad-minded but I am sure many people on this forum would not consider me broad-minded at all. My parents think I am closed-minded because I oppose them using silk! Similarly, for the other personality requirements. It is completely subjective. People have to meet me and engage me in a conversation and decide for themselves.

Regarding looks. Here I can give a clear-cut answer. I am average or maybe even below average in looks.

But if you ask me personally, what I have to offer, I would say it is the fact that I have such rich and varied hobbies. Maybe it is just blind arrogance, but I sincerely doubt anyone can spend an hours time with me and come out of it feeling bored. Of course, I may have this false arrogance solely because I have spent time with only researchers and they have peculiar tastes. As I have mentioned, the main reason I have Ph.D. as an expectation is because I have not interacted much with females who do not have a Ph.D. For all I know, they might find me tedious and boring. The feeling might be mutual as well!

And it is not as if I am averse to getting married. It is just that it is not a big deal personally if I do not get married. There is a big difference between wanting to stay unmarried and not minding being single. Please do not conflate the two.

SP: Something does not add up. Is your post mainly about how you manage your parents expectations? - No general advice is possible then.

Is it mainly about finding someone as a wife?
If so, can you state why you want to get married (saying for the sake of parents is lame )? What do you have to offer a woman who want to think about marrying you (your phd is meaningless for this, it is not a job application) ?

If you want to stay unmarried, there is no need for a thread of discussion

 

[shunyampurnam]

Thank you for your encouraging reply. Your suggestion is very pragmatic. My parents and I both would have absolutely no problem if marry a girl who is a Sanskrit teachers daughter or a girl from a village. What do such girls expect form a husband in general? Would she like the idea of moving from a rural place to a big city? And do such marriages work? I am curious what such marriages are based on. Admittedly, it is not clear to me what marriages are based upon even when bride and bridegroom are modern urbanized upper middle-class people. I asked a few of my friends why they chose the girl they chose and their answers are, to put it mildly, stupid. They stay stuff like they liked their interaction in their "arranged date". If I probe for more specific details they stay silent and at best say something vague like "I felt this was the girl for me!". Some of these guys are currently doing cutting-edge research in some of the most advanced labs in the world and the best they can come up with is "I felt this was the girl for me!". This is why I am insisting on a girl with rich and varied hobbies as my only non-flexible expectation. Regardless of whether the marriage is a happy one or not, it at least won't be boring!

 

[shunyampurnam]

4.Everyone wants to marry a girl for what she is and vice versa.

I am not sure this is true. From my experience most people absolutely do not marry their spouse for who they are as a person. Most guys marry a girl based on looks and most girls marry a guy based on money/status/educational qualification and sometimes intelligence and talent. This is just an observation based on what I see with my friends and cousins and may not reflect reality.
Looks, intelligence and even talent are just genetic accidents. They are not included in what I meant by marry a girl for who she is. A person is to be judged based on the conscious choices he/she makes in his/her life. Our choices determine who we are and not our genetics which we cannot choose. As you have mentioned, we do not choose our parents but we have full control over how we treat them. What a person really is can only be determined when they have ultimate power over somebody else. A good person is one who has absolute power over somebody else but still treats them as an equal. There are very few good people on this planet. But I am digressing!

 

[Mayuram V.Sankaran]

Shunyapurnam has written: (To quote)
"Apart from my parents expectations, I have a lot of expectations as well. I am quite a unique person. I perform 'trikhala sandyavandahanam' and I have studied vedic chanting semi-formally. But I also spend a lot of time playing video games and watching Japanese Anime. I have great interest in Indian philosophy and love the writings of Radhakrishnan and have great faith in the teachings of Ramana Maharishi. I am a die hard fan of Madurai Mani Iyer. Note that these are not contradictory in a way; I just want to point out that this combination of interests is quite rare. I am also researcher at a prestigious institution and would prefer it if my future wife is highly educated (preferably a Ph.D).
He has also written in reply to a comment: (To quote)
"Also me expecting a girl with a Ph.D. is for a rather stupid reason. I did my Ph.D in an insular research institution where 90% of my friends where are also doing a Ph.D. Even more so, all the female friends I have had after high-school are Ph.D. scholars (my UG was done in an all boys college). All the female faculty in the institution I am working in are also obviously researchers and most of them are my mothers age. Furthermore, all my female cousins are significantly older than me and I do not have a female sibling. In short, I literally have had no interaction with females of my age who are not researchers. So the requirements of a Ph.D. is there only for familiarity sake. I would be glad to marry is a girl who is a commerce student or an engineer or an arts student who also has interesting hobbies that have some similarities with my hobbies. There are literally no other expectations on my side. Don't care about social/economic status or looks/height/weight/complexion and other things are usually mentioned in marriage profiles. This is something that surprisingly my parents and I both agree upon. Of course, my parents would expect horoscope matching and girl younger than me but 90% of the girls on matrimonial websites make these demands so I am not mentioning them."
The obvious answer to the dilemma seems to be:
Do give up the idea of fulfilling both your parents' expectations and yours as well. Think of fulfilling your expectations only for you are the one that is getting married and not them. Marriage is not for bringing a daughter-in-law to their home, but to take a wife into your home. If you think along those lines, consonant with modern-day thinking, there will be no question of a 'dilemma' with regard to your marriage.
Your parents, if they are reasonable people, cannot choose a girl for you in marriage according to their own preferences and predilections, if you do not consent to their choice of a bride for you. After all, it is your life ahead and they cannot prevail over your wishes. They cannot do so, for instance, even with respect to the marriage of your younger brother, if he comes of age and wishes to marry a girl of his choice for he has to make a home with her and she will not be, and cannot expected to be, moving into their home.
This is so, even if they are 'rich' people and you, or your brother, for that matter, will be totally 'disinherited', if both of you do not meet their expectations and act in line with their preferences in this regard. Simply put, how long will you two continue to be the 'children' of your parents and not 'grow up' to be 'adults' and marry on your own when you are in a position to do so and make a home of your own to have your own children according to your plan of life? At some point of time or other in your life, when you are viable in the outside world, you have to move out of the 'cloister' of your parental home and make your own life even if that means, breaking a tradition!

 

[renuka]

Thank you all for replies!

@krish44 I have a Ph.D. in Matheamtics and am currently working as a faculty in a prestigious institution. I am 27 years old.
@Raji Ram I am NOT expecting abrahmin doctorate girl with madi and acharam! I agree there is none. Nowhere did I say that in my post I am looking for this magical unicorn. You have misunderstood my dilemma.
@tbs and a-TB you have also misunderstood my dilemma.

Let me try articulate my dilemma more clearly. Here is the exhaustive list of my expectations and my parents.

Parents: Orthodox girl.
Me: Ph.D. + interesting and varied hobbies.

Also me expecting a girl with a Ph.D. is for a rather stupid reason. I did my Ph.D in an insular research institution where 90% of my friends where are also doing a Ph.D. Even more so, all the female friends I have had after high-school are Ph.D. scholars (my UG was done in an all boys college). All the female faculty in the institution I am working in are also obviously researchers and most of them are my mothers age. Furthermore, all my female cousins are significantly older than me and I do not have a female sibling. In short, I literally have had no interaction with females of my age who are not researchers. So the requirements of a Ph.D. is there only for familiarity sake. I would be glad to marry is a girl who is a commerce student or an engineer or an arts student who also has interesting hobbies that have some similarities with my hobbies. There are literally no other expectations on my side. Don't care about social/economic status or looks/height/weight/complexion and other things are usually mentioned in marriage profiles. This is something that surprisingly my parents and I both agree upon. Of course, my parents would expect horoscope matching and girl younger than me but 90% of the girls on matrimonial websites make these demands so I am not mentioning them.

My dilemma is more on what compromises to make as krish44 seems to have understood. But I find krish44's answer slight unhelpful as I already know that I cannot have the cake and eat it too! My question is how exactly to do a tight rope walk? To put it in abstract terms, how do I intelligently compromise so that I find a girl who simultaneously satisfy these three conditions:

[1]. She is happy marrying me for who I am.

[2]. I am happy marrying her for who she is.

[3]. My parents are happy that she and I are getting married.

a-TB says that everything in my profile is a liability and so according to him there is no girl who satisfies condition [1]. tbs says that I have unrealistic conditions and should be a bhramachari. tbs seem to be to be of the view that there is no girl who will satisfy condition [2]. Raji Ram says that there is no girl who satisfies condition [2] and [3] simultaneously (which is actually rather obvious as magical unicorns don't exist!).

Any more viewpoints are most welcome.

Dear Shunyam,

When we marry someone..if they are a carbon copy of us in interest and hobbies it could spell boredom.

Some healthy amount of differences always adds some spice to life.

There is no guarantee that anyone will be truly happy in anything be it marriage or life 24/7.

Its the ability to adapt to situations that makes one sail thru life.

Most people talk about hobbies..but how much time is allocated to hobbies really?

Not much..once we get married..have kids..plan for future..saving for child's education etc..our life changes..its not all about having a cake and eating it both..its about knowing which cake to bake and which cake to eat and serve others.

When we get married..initially bcos of the hormonal high we feel "happy"..then after a few years we get used to a daily routine and couples almost live in auto-pilot mode..that is life.

Parents feel happy to see their children married but does it stop there?

Nope..parents want to shape the lives of their children and we know that is not really possible once they become adults.

So the best is actually getting to know a few girls thru an arranged scenario if you are not keen for a Lovvu marriage.

Learn to know a woman for what she is and not what she is supposed to be.

Who knows..you might fall in love with the idea of just accepting a person as she is..she might turn out to be something you could never imagine.

Why create mental impressions of someone you have not yet met and expect them to fit into the fantasies of our self or even our parents? Won't that spell disaster of the divorce kind?

Be fair to the person too..let her be herself...you be yourself..and both of you will find a way to be a functioning unit.

 

[sravna]

Dear ShunyamPurnam,

Getting oneself married is getting into an important relationship in your life. To me more than the person, the sanctity of the relationship matters. Every person in his or her inner self is the same. It is up to the other person to bring out the right qualities of that inner self and be happy in the relationship. Of course there are external factors that may matter but even if they are satisfied they do not add much to the quality of happiness.

But it is also true we cannot spend our married life trying to to bring out the right qualities in the other person. So if I were you, I would not think about anything else other than the person being reasonably mature and reasonably satisfying the external factors. It is then totally up to me to make the marriage a success

Wish you all the best!

 

[tbs]

hi

marriage is adjustments and compromises......nobody is really marriage happy....everybody makes compromises/adjustments

to be happy .....its hard to explain the word HAPPINESS......EVEN GODESS PARVATI WENT TO DAKSHA PRAJAPATI YAGA

AGAINST LORD SHIVA'S STORY....WE KNOW THE END RESULT OF THIS MYTHOLOGICAL STORY.....SO BE PRACTICAL

AND REALITY OF THE WORLD....

 

[vgane]

Dear SP,

I think your fears are unfounded...You should be able to find a wife who is younger, educated and well employed! But most important is minds meeting! It is not that your parents are unique in terms of madi & acharam! There are many Brahmin families in Chennai who would be in the same bracket!

You have a fabulous qualification and impeccable credentials! Age is your plus point!

It just requires 6 months of work & I am sure we will have an alliance for you!

Best Wishes,

VGane

 

[shunyampurnam]

Dear Shunyam,

When we marry someone..if they are a carbon copy of us in interest and hobbies it could spell boredom.

Some healthy amount of differences always adds some spice to life.

There is no guarantee that anyone will be truly happy in anything be it marriage or life 24/7.

Its the ability to adapt to situations that makes one sail thru life.

Most people talk about hobbies..but how much time is allocated to hobbies really?

Not much..once we get married..have kids..plan for future..saving for child's education etc..our life changes..its not all about having a cake and eating it both..its about knowing which cake to bake and which cake to eat and serve others.

When we get married..initially bcos of the hormonal high we feel "happy"..then after a few years we get used to a daily routine and couples almost live in auto-pilot mode..that is life.

Parents feel happy to see their children married but does it stop there?

Nope..parents want to shape the lives of their children and we know that is not really possible once they become adults.

So the best is actually getting to know a few girls thru an arranged scenario if you are not keen for a Lovvu marriage.

Learn to know a woman for what she is and not what she is supposed to be.

Who knows..you might fall in love with the idea of just accepting a person as she is..she might turn out to be something you could never imagine.

Why create mental impressions of someone you have not yet met and expect them to fit into the fantasies of our self or even our parents? Won't that spell disaster of the divorce kind?

Be fair to the person too..let her be herself...you be yourself..and both of you will find a way to be a functioning unit.

I agree with your viewpoint quite a bit. Your reasoning is also mostly solid. I have written a lot yesterday regarding my expectations. These posts are appearing only now because of moderation. Please read them; they are in Page 4. You will find that I am not as rigid and naive as you seem to think. I also definitely want to marry somebody for who she is.

One objection I have is with regard to hobbies and interests. First of all, I would love it if my life-partner has lots of interest different from mine. I think I have made that clear that I am not insisting on a "CC" of myself. But the reason, I am insisting on a lot of hobbies and interests is that most of my day is spent either on research, lecturing, music, video games, etc. Literally everything I do in a given day is something I love doing. Of course some chores and other miscellaneous things take up time but these add up to just a few hours a day. Now, if I get married obviously the number of hours spent in chores would double or triple but I want the rest of the day to be filled with activities that either my life-partner is passionate about or I am passionate about or both of us passionate about. For instance, I spend at least a couple of hours a day on video games. My life-partner on the other hand might be an avid long-distance cycling enthusiast. Then a neat compromise would for me to accompany her on her cycle trips on one weekend and she returns the favour by playing video games with me on the next weekend. You needn't sacrifice your hobbies after you get married, you just need to figure out how to make your and your spouses hobbies a part of the marriage. And, I absolutely do not buy this argument about no time for hobbies. Come on, you mean to say that you cannot allocate time because it is spent on plans for future, etc.. What are you planning so much that it is eating into all your time? If your spending a considerable amount of time planning for the future then I am sorry to say your living life wrong. The happiest people are those who are immersed completely in the present moment. Please google midnfulness to understand why I am stressing this with so much conviction. My happiest moments have always been I have been completely engrossed in a research paper, or a wonderful melody or an artistic video game, etc. And I don't want this to change after marriage. Hence the reason I am looking for a partner who is passionate about a lot of hobbies some (NOT ALL) of which are similar to mine.

 

[Raji Ram]

Most of the members writing here feel that to follow madi and AchAram daily is almost impossible for this generation girls.

There used to be a saying that a marriage will finalize if 'anjukku reNdu pazhuthillai', meaning that if 40% of the expectations

are fulfilled, a marriage would be finalized. But now a days, the expectations are more and orthodox way of living is declining

in the well educated families and they stick to AchAram only on special days like poojAs and srAddhams!

If couples live away from their parents, then adjusting to the orthodox way of life for a few days in a year may not be a problem.

But, if they have to live together under the same roof, life will be surely miserable for all of them!

 

[krish44]

Dear S Purnam
If you float a profile in tamil matrimony , Try the following profiles of girls who are traditional and who declare they are orthodox.

All are well educated, employed .iyer girls

M 2924299, M3843445,M 3744824, M 3669896,M3977285, M 3978453, M 3883015, M39499585,M3520955, M3979433, M3832232, M 3936278.

This should convince you that you are not alone as an orthodox person.There are 12 profiles for your requirements to prove others talking here do not know the

ground realities. Orthodoxy is wide spread. At least in profiles they say they are orthodox.

All you need to do is that after registering your profile and paying a fee , you can do keyword search with words 23-25 yrs ,orthodox and get amazing results.lol

You have a wide choice for pick and choose.

With best wishes

 

[krish44]

Most of the members writing here feel that to follow madi and AchAram daily is almost impossible for this generation girls.

There used to be a saying that a marriage will finalize if 'anjukku reNdu pazhuthillai', meaning that if 40% of the expectations

are fulfilled, a marriage would be finalized. But now a days, the expectations are more and orthodox way of living is declining

in the well educated families and they stick to AchAram only on special days like poojAs and srAddhams!

If couples live away from their parents, then adjusting to the orthodox way of life for a few days in a year may not be a problem.

But, if they have to live together under the same roof, life will be surely miserable for all of them!

We have to first consider how the boy can get married first to an appropriate traditional orthodox person.

Then methodically decide how much of orthodoxy he can junk or dilute based on needs of modern living.

your formula of living at optimal distance from parents inlaw comes much later only if they cannot live under the same roof.

You feel living a few days in a year with orthodoxy or acharam for special days is based on your experience .

what approach the new generation will take , is yet to be seen

 

[CHANDRU1849]

When we get married..initially bcos of the hormonal high we feel "happy"..then after a few years we get used to a daily routine and couples almost live in auto-pilot mode..that is life.

This is the reason there are frequent change of partners in the West, to avoid monotony. Right.